4th collection the worst one yet.

[NemoFish]

I had my 4th egg collection on Thursday. This one has crucified me financially (450iu ovaleap for 14 days), plus 6 months of DHEA, a failed scratch and the extra cost of another hysteroscopy which revealed nothing. We got 4 eggs, and I’ve had the call this morning to say all of them have fertilised abnormally. Three have been discarded already, and one is a three cell day 2 embryo which is not what they’d hope for.

I’m crushed. My eggs are obviously all complete crap and I’m never going to get anywhere. I haven’t stopped crying. Why is it so hard to have what others get so easily. I don’t even need two, just one baby and I would be happy. But I can’t even manage one shitty embryo. Im 37 and my AMH has plummeted over the last year. My time is running out. I have no chance of getting pregnant naturally either. To be honest I just don’t want to even be alive right now. This is unbearable 😭😭😭😭😭

[Joeysjourney]

I'm so sorry to read this. It's so so hard especially when you dont make it to transfer. I've had my 4th go too and it has been unsuccessful again. It's a relentless process. You deserve a few days in bed to cry and get it out of your system and I really hope you have people around you for support as well as us ladies on here.

I always find after the initial pain and upset I get a bit of strength back and come up with a new strategy. Although this time I'm a bit lost as to where to go next. Just saying, I understand, I see you and feel your pain.

Take care and sending huge hugs.

[Hopewhite]

Hi, I just wanted to send you a big hug, I’m very sorry that you’re experiencing such a hard journey, I know this journey can be very tough for the body, mind and soul xx

try to relax today, pamper yourself and do something nice to help you bounce back xx,

Give yourself a little break and once you feel stronger you’ll be able to think about your options more positively. Perhaps there are options to increase egg quality that you haven’t yet tried or other alternatives xx

Sending you love and positive thoughts your way , I hope everything improves for you and your dream comes true soon !, xxx

[Sososoxx]

I am so so sorry for all that you are going through. It’s brutal. Today is the worst day, but tomorrow, then the day after, and the day after that.. you will start to be able to think clearer and think about what’s next for you. Look after yourself, I’m sending you lots of love xx

[Skittles11]

Hey lovely, I feel so much for you - when you're in the depths of it all it is just indescribable. Such an awful feeling and incredibly upsetting. And it takes so much bloody energy to keep going in the face of what feels like continual stress and disappointment. It sounds like you put so much into this too so totally understand your feelings and how crushed you are. It is soul destroying and I can relate to some of what you describe. Please be kind to yourself. Lean on those around you. I remember you posted a pic one time of your lovely dog, and at these times some doggy cuddles should definitely be on the agenda.

Please take good care of yourself xx

[Hidden]

I just want you to know that I really understand how you feel. And I'm so sorry. At times, I feel like life and infertility is unbearable. But I have my faith/religion which keeps me going and my son in heaven/jannah (he was stillborn at full-term). I hope you have something and/or someone that gives comfort, hope etc. Without my faith, I'd be lost and I probably would have been suicidal. Please know that we are here for you. You can msg me anytime. I'm older 5 years older than you, you still have time. I'm never giving up. I hope you are okay 💖

[Bed12]

sending you lots and lots of positive energy. Like everyone else has said, please take some time to yourself, be with people who love you, take a few days to step back and just look after yourself and your precious life and try not to find the answers to this complicated ‘project’ we’re all going through in this moment. New possibilities and answers, solutions and ideas will come when you’ve taken some time away. Xxx

[Amzzzzzzzz]

I am so so sorry 😞 I get it unfortunately. I have extremely low AMH have for years, one time after a failed transfer I screamed & cried at my husband that my life was worthless & if I can’t have a child I’d rather be dead! You likely still have medication in you which will not be helping, I run for therapy & I got back out there & in time i felt better I hope you have a similar therapy you can turn too. I’m 44 & still no positive outcome & have spent thousands in treatment’s which don’t get any easier, I agree with you it’s so hard when others have no problem making babies so easily. I had a doctor who told me from the start my best chances were with Donor eggs, this is not an easy transition to make you need to mourn for your own fertility first but maybe start to give it some thought. I guess what I’m really trying to say is you are not alone but you are also still young you have an opportunity to be a Mum don’t give up but take a break first & find some happiness back.

[Lily_82]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately I had bad experience at my 4th collection also when for the 1st time got 0 eggs. Luckily had another cycle in the package so tried to plan it asap. In my next cycle got some eggs so only because we have 1 bad cycle it doesn’t mean it will keep happening.

I appreciate it’s impossible to be positive straight away but that’s not the end of your journey yet. Look after yourself and let us know if you want to chat or anything xx

[NemoFish]

Thank you to everyone who replied. I’ve been in a terrible state the last two days but your kind words are really helping. I have one more cycle paid for, I just don’t know if I can stomach it. Or the £3k for medication again. My head is all over the place. It doesn’t help than my Nan died last week and I have her funeral this week. I’m unsure if I’ll even go, my cousins aren’t exactly a subtle bunch.

I’ve been cuddling and crying on the pug, he’s looking at me like I’m mad. I think at some point the donor conversation is going to come up with my partner. Just never what I imagined 😭😭 xx

[soccerkt6 in reply to NemoFish]

oh lovely, I’m sending you such a big hug. On my third cycle we ended up with no embryos and it was more devastating than I could have prepared for. It’s a shitty, shitty thing to go through. As others have said, I would just take some time away from fertility stuff for now. Give yourself the time and space to grieve your nan and you can come back to the fertility questions when you feel ready. While DE is obvs a big decision, perhaps just knowing that option is on the table will help you give yourself permission to take some time away from the grind of successive IVF cycles, which is so hard both mentally and physically.

Sending you lots of love xx

[Flora14 in reply to NemoFish]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through I nearly cried reading your post as it resonated so much with me I have had 6 egg collections or maybe 7 I can't even remember and 9 failures my worst round was actually the highest dose round !and I also had another bad round on DHEA then the one after still only 2 embryos As I do have low AMH and afc but better quality again So please don't think you're next egg collection might be a write-off as it might be better. I don't have a good outcome yet I pray I will but I am 40 now and doing one final egg collection using human growth hormone then I think I'm going to have to move to donor eggs which absolutely devastates me but me and my partner just want to move on now. But on the flip side knowing that donor is an option is actually what's keeping me going I don't think I could cope if I knew that this was game over. I feel like once that final decision has been made to go with donor I'll probably have a bit of a breakdown but I feel like I've started to grieve my own eggs over 7 years of failed treatment.

Totally get what you mean by saying what everyone gets so easy.

I get really angry when people complain about things like The school run I just think some of us would give anything to do the school run!! Sending hugs xx

[Trying7years]

Hi, I'm not from the UK, but this forum has been extremely helpful. In my home country, fertility is not covered by our health system or private insurance. My husband and I have tried everything for over 7 years: OI, IUIs, and IVF. In our last round of IVF, 5 eggs were collected but only 1 was mature. It did not make it to day 3, much less day 5. By that time we had spent over £30k in treatments.

The doctor told me I have possibly a 1% chance with my own eggs. I have never felt so helplesss and angry before... the worst is I felt I could not look my husband in the face. He's the best and always supportive and I couldn't even give him this one thing we've both wanted.

I decided to take a break from IVF for at least 6 months, to clear my mind and cleanse my body from drugs. I went on a version of an anti-inflammatory diet (no flour, sugar, dairy) and dropped all the hormonal weight and then some. I also tried to really hone in on our emotions and what we really want for life.

In doing research, we eventually came around to the idea of donor eggs... we flew to Cyprus, did a donor egg treatment and ended up with 2 5d blastocysts which were transferred 2 weeks ago. I flew back home 24 hours after.

On 11dp5dt, I went for the beta HCG test and it was 454.

A different journey is now starting for us. I just wanted to share my experience. Btw, I turn 40 in October.

Sending you best wishes and prayers for your dreams to come true <3