Anyone else scared this will push them apart?

[Savannah9]

Hi everyone,

first time poster, long time reader of all your stories which have helped me in so many ways.

I’m 33, partner is 38. OH had to have TESE to extract which was successful (he already has a son from previous which was natural), and on paper other than my thyroid issue (got that under control) I was “good to go”.

We have done 2 rounds of ICSI, our first round we got 5 eggs, 1 was damaged during the process, and only 2 were mature but they didn’t fertilise. That was a shock I guess you expect to get further than that if you at least are lucky enough to have eggs collected.

2nd cycle 4 eggs retrieved, we did AOA, 2 mature and both fertilised but on day 3 I was told they hadn’t developed to where they expected them to be (3-4 cells) so I had to make a decision in 20 mins whether to transfer 1 or not, which in itself was quite traumatic. We transferred 1 to try and give it a chance in its natural environment but unfortunately it just didn’t happen. Dr can’t explain it other than he thinks my quality of eggs are poor, he said not likely a sperm issue if they fertilised. My AMH was 11 a year ago so I do need it testing again. I mentioned PGT-A but dr feels if I am only getting small number of embryos it’s not worth it as it can damage them. He suggested we look at DE which was a shock.

We can’t qualify for nhs because OH has a son from 15 years ago, so we are having to fund it ourselves. I know it can be expensive but to me if you get the outcome you dream of then surely it’s worth it. OH doesn’t feel quite the same about the money lol

OH decided he wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue due to how much it was going to cost us and because I hadn’t really had any success yet and he didn’t like seeing me so upset after the 2nd failed cycle.

After a few weeks of letting him think I just couldnt take it anymore and said he needed to at least discuss it with me or tell me an answer, it turns out he thinks that there’s a reason it’s not been successful because he feels if we go through it again and it successful he’s worried something will go wrong and he’ll lose me. I understand why he feels that, but I’m not ready to stop and we’ve agreed to go ahead again with OE.

I have started reading ISWTE and following some of this plan for 3-4 months because I feel in my heart if it doesn’t work with my OE after this then I have surely done all I can and I’ve just missed my chance with my OE. However, I broached the subject of DE and he said he’s not sure how he feels about it but let’s focus on this first before we think about DE. he said when he’s 40 he doesn’t want to continue which to me feels unfair because you should stop when you’re both ready not because you’ve reached a certain age.

I guess my post is about how difficult it’s been doing this as a couple and surely I can’t be the only one feeling like this. I feel like it could push us apart if we let it, but i won’t let it.

As OH already has a son I guess his desire to become a parent doesn’t exist like mine does so I do try to understand his point too. We love each other very much and in all other aspects of life we are happy.

I’ve rambled enough now but I guess I’m just feeling alone and after some reassurance from other stories that it will get better, no matter the outcome… x

[Hidden]

Savannah9 👋 hey,

I'm in the same situation OMG! My partner 39 has a daughter who is now 10. We can't get pregnant as his sperm has low motility, its just so unfair!

After our recent failed cycle, things are tense from my end. Poor him, I'm always thinking should I be with him or leave. But I love him, we get on great, but he can't give me a child! Its so hard and upsetting. I dont have the answers and am really going through it atm but just wanted to share with you.

We also don't have NHS funding of course so I've done so many extra shifts at work.

Hope you guys are ok xxx

[Savannah9 in reply to Hidden]

Hi, thanks for your reply.

You sound like you’re in a difficult situation yourself, and sometimes our emotions take over how we’re really feeling. It sounds like you love your OH it’s just a bit of a tough part of your relationship and hopefully you guys will pull through and get the outcome you want xx

[JA-fnuk Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Did you take advantage of counselling session that should be offered while on treatment ? It might be helpful to discuss this situation with a 3rd person www bica.net [British Infertility Counselling Association] this is not a free service ,but they are specially trained in counselling people with fertility issues and their relationships

Take care

Janet

[Savannah9 in reply to JA-fnuk]

hi Janet,

we took advantage of one free counselling session together, although my OH wanted me to do it on my own I convinced him to join and he found it useful too, this could be something we revisit, thanks. Xx

[Systema23]

Hi Savannah9

I am in slightly the same situation as you. My partner doesn't have any other children, but like your partner he was very worried about the cost involved.

This process is lonely, and, especially so, if, for whatever reason, you do not feel supported by your partner. In our situation, although my partner is not thrilled by the prospect of spending all that cash on something which will probably not work (I am 40), and like you, I read ISWTE after my first cycle failed. I have been putting as much of it into practice as I can in the hope that it will work this time. That in itself is difficult, and I just hope and pray that it will work, against the odds, for both of us.

I wish you lots of luck with your next cycle. Sending you lots of baby dust

[Savannah9 in reply to Systema23]

Hi systema23,

it’s so hard when they focus on the money rather than what’s happening. But I do understand why because it is so expensive, but it’s just not as important to me.

I really hope the changes you have made reading ISWTE help and wish you all the luck in your next cycle.

It’s such a cruel situation, I wish it was different for us all x