Feeling a little lost and where to go next

[Papillonblue]

So my wonderful little sister (33) offered to be our donor at Christmas which is utterly wonderful, the offer however caught me off guard as I'd thought it was something she decided against.

She was due to have her contraceptive jab later that day and I naively told her to carry on as normal and have the jab as I didn't know what the next steps would be, and I would start the ball rolling by finding a clinic near to her in the new year. Having found a clinic they advised me she will need to have had 3 normal cycles before they can do any of the tests to see if she is a viable donor.

In my head I thought we would be ready to move forward in around Aug/Sep 23. However, having spoken to my sister this weekend she told me that her cycles have always been a little irregular & the nurse at her GP's said it would take a year for her period to return.

My fiancee is frustrated about the timeline as he's desperate to be a dad and I'm worrying we are wasting time (and if her irregular cycle means she won't be a suitable donor) He is keen that we go with a different donor, but I'm torn I dearly want to have that genetic connection if I can but also deeply aware I'm not getting any younger - 41 in Nov.

I'm petrified of making a wrong decision and missing the boat again (I'm struggling with not starting a family when I was younger although its a classic case of didn't meet the right guy until later)

Does anyone have any advice? I'm normally so logical that the right answer is obvious.

[minnesota_girl]

This is such a difficult one, and I emphathise with you, and I was in a similar situation earlier.

I was 41 also at the time and my younger sister (34 at the time) offered to be our donor, after 3 unsuccessful rounds of own egg IVF. Which was an amazing gift.

I was also really keen to get the genetic link - and I know that for some women, this has really worked for them, and worked first time. That wasn't fully my experience - I also had some delays as I'm in the UK and my sister is in America, and it took about a year to get everything sorted logistically and her over here (she had one small window where she could travel, and trying to align to that was a logistical nightmare, but we got there in the end!)

What we did find that was although she was ideal from a genetics perspective and has two kids so proven fertility, we discovered there were downsides also, as there's a lot less rigour to screening known donors - she was quite stressed through the process and also at 34 at the upper age range of normal egg donation. She did a round (and again as I say it took about a year from initially having the conversation with her to having the embryos frozen), had great success with egg quantity (23 taken, and 14 embryos at Day 3) - but then by Day 5 we only had 3 embryos of middling quality. I did a total of two transfers, one resulted in a chemical pregnancy, and the second (double embryo transfer) resulted in a non-viable pregnancy at week 7 scan, so I stopped meds and miscarried.

That process took me nearly another year to get over and recover from - and we eventually moved to donor egg cycle in Spain with an anonymous 21 year old donor - where they were very hopeful of our success probability and after my first transfer I'm 43, and currently and hopefully 16 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. 💗

There are a few ways to look at this. The first is time, you could argue we'd get to where we are now faster if we'd gone straight to donor eggs in Spain - and that may be true. Although I've also learned some extra protocol needs -again whether they would've been picked up in Spain isn't clear. But equally, I'm pregnant now, and it's hard to not just be grateful I'm here and understanding of that path it took to get me here. Those two years have passed, and I don't feel incredibly different or older - and in fact the year before this transfer I really grounded and tried to heal myself, take time with my husband to enjoy what we can, and our time together. Fertility is an age game, but DEIVF less so - we think time isn't on our side and I know on the grand scheme it isn't, but also on the grand scheme we adjust to bumps in the path and end up being grateful for whatever led us to getting where we want to be.

The other way to look at this is that we didn't really get a big upturn in quality when moving to known donor - again, that's not always the case for people. So it was always worth it to try, but now I'd happily have just gone to DEIVF in Spain because I'm sitting here now, at 43, with my baby bump just starting to show. And I don't think about the genetic link, I think it's my baby. Because it is.

Whatever road you take, you do still have time, even though it doesn't feel like it. Try imagining what it would feel like if 1 year from now you are pregnant, would that be enough to satisfy the wait? If not, you might want to consider donation abroad...but grieving genetic loss is a real thing, and for many of us, a known donor with a genetic link is worth the wait. We'll never know whether it's the right call until we do it, but for a lot of us, it's an option that has to be explored before moving to non-genetic egg donation.

I wish you all the best, and always happy to help re: anything around my experiences with known/anonymous donation xx

[Papillonblue in reply to minnesota_girl]

Thank you so much for your detailed and thoughtful reply, and congratulations! You are right I know that DEIVF doesn't have the same time limits, I guess I have a bit of an issue being an older mum that are playing into my fears we need to get things going quickly. It must have been a nightmare trying to organise the logistics with your sister, mine doesn't live close but thankfully the same country! I was ready to move on with an unrelated donor before she offered but now I feel I need to at least try before we close that door completely.

[minnesota_girl in reply to Papillonblue]

I get that completely, and felt exactly the same.

Also, I really struggled with the concept of being an older mom - I was 39 when we first started trying, and I came round to being ready a couple of years before my husband was ready, so I was already struggling with the idea of being 60 when my kids were 20. I still have moments, but I feel I've made my peace with this now, after the very real fear of *not* being a mother at all has kicked up into high gear across the last few years.

My husband has encouraged me to just think of it as an expectation mind shift - but i know it's hard, and it's been hard for me for sure.

Best of luck! xx

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Papillon lie. Lots to think about for your fiancée and yourself. However, I would have thought that your sister’s cycle could be manipulated to suit. I wouldn’t worry about being a slightly older mum,you will be a fine one joining an ever growing number of mums in their forties. I do hope all works well for you, even with a delay it will be worth it. Diane