My daughter aged 40 decided over a year ago to try for a baby on her own with IVF. I, and all the family are totally supportive, and I have been by her side every step. She has just had a 3rd failed transfer and is emotionally all over the place and physically exhausted. She has intimated that she doesn't feel 'ready to give up trying' but the toll on her mentally & physically has been more than she anticipated and is now contemplating her next move.
I am finding it difficult to know what to say to her - any advice appreciated.
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Beingamum23
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It's so nice that you're here asking how to support her - she's lucky to have such a wonderful mum. Do you live nearby? If so, could you go round and cook her a meal/do any housework so she can just relax and be looked after? I would say it is grief that we experience when an IVF cycle doesn't succeed, so look after her as you would a grieving person. And just let her know that you're there for her, whatever she needs, and that you love her xx
Thank you. I agree about the grief her first failed transfer was a chemical miscarriage and so was her last one. She puts a lot of pressure on herself and her self-esteem is really low. She is going to try a different approach if she decided to try again by freezing her embryo/s and taking a little more time to prepare herself - trouble is she feels she is running out of time
I just wanted to say. It’s so nice that she opened up to you and that you’re supportive as you are. I haven’t told my parents I’m going through this but really want to.
As I’m sure you’re aware it does take a massive toll on us mentally and physically, I tend to keep away from my parents as these points so they don’t see it.
It’s very cliche but it sounds like you’re supporting her already. I guess just always back her decisions that’ she makes, try not to react to any mood swings etc she maybe having and just be there for her.
Counselling and acupuncture has helped me, so maybe look into this… oh and if she isn’t on this community already, I’d really recommend she does. Only my darkest days I’ve communicated with people on here, which has really helped.
Thank you. If you can try to trust and include your parents/family - its such a mammoth thing to do alone. Of course finance is also another massive consideration on a non-funded IVF journey and I think this is contributing to her anxiety in case she is 'forced' to stop trying rather than reach that decision herself.
I really want to tell them and it is getting to the point where I am going to. I’m just worried my mum will say why did you leave it so late :/ I’m also 40. But I have a lovely relationship with my parents and I know they’d hate to think they were kept out of this. It’s interesting to hear it from a mother point of view x
I'd bet she wont say that to you. All the decisions/choices you have made in your life to this point have made you who you are. Share this with her and your dad. Meeting the right person at the right time (if that's what you want) doesn't happen for everyone, just as the yearning to be a mum surfaces at different times for every woman.
The last line here about the yearning surfaces at different times has really hit home for me and such a lovely way to put it. I have kicked myself up and down for not doing all this sooner (even though i started trying at 36!) So hearing such a caring point of view honestly filled my eyes with tears xxx
This is so true and brought a tear to my eye. You’re right, although I am married the yearn for children really and truly just was not there in my 20s/early 30s.
You sound like an amazing mum and your daughter is so so lucky to have you by her side, I’m sure she appreciates you more than you know. Xx
I just wanted to let you know we told my parents this evening. It was a massive thing for me (maybe blown out of proportion in my head) but something that played massively on my mind. They were sweet, said all the right things and very supportive. Since what you wrote I had in my head I was going to tell them within 2 weeks. What you said really hit home and maybe have me the push I needed. So thank you.
Well done you! Now you can make the journey together x
Today my daughter had her consultatnt follow up appointment - it was so hard for her as she was given some disheartening news which means she has to rethink how she moves forward or maybe even end her journey.
She is so exhausted physically and emotionally she needs to take some time out.
Ah I’m sorry to hear that :/ this process is absolutely draining and questionable as to whether to continue. I have also had 3 failed transfers - it doesn’t get any easier.
Just being there when she needs you will be a big help for her Listen if she wants to talk but let her do it at her own pace On our website fertilitynetworkuk.org there is more information about how to get support
I’ve recently started going to an online support group, getting to know people who are on this journey has given me hope and an opportunity to talk freely. A group might be helpful.
When she' ready be factual. Maybe do some research with her. Read about what to try next if she wants to change anything- testing for natural killer cells etc. Is she on enough progesterone. Look into relaxation - I found zita West meditation things relaxing, acupuncture. Anything that helps her feel more in control.
We know all to well the “grief” you feel when a cycle fails .It’s the weirdest feeling in the world like your grieving for something that never even existed but we get our hopes so high and with help from professionals you expect it to work .I had 2 failed rounds we had paid for a 3 rd and my partner refused because I was so mentally and emotionally drained I turned into a different person .In February last ye I caught naturally and my son is 4 months.I’m also 41 please please tell your daughter she isn’t to old.Maybe a few months out to regain her belief in herself and get a little confidence back that it will work may do her the world of good .Or even suggest to her joining the forum herself and she will have support here in abundance.It’s amazing the support of the girls here when kind of us really know each other personally.Plenty of gentle care for your daughter and chosen wise words will go a long way I wish her every success .I’m 42 in September and I’m planning my next baby before I’m really over the hill .Spreading baby dust your daughters way .We understand her pain xxx
oh wow, reading all these comments is just so overwhelming. I think you’re already doing a fabulous job in supporting her and it’s so wonderful that you’re also using resources to gain additional support for both of you actually. My mum has been my supporter (as well as my husband).
Tell her to just never give us hope, try the acupuncture as someone suggested. It’s costly, but I did it and actually think it helped my natural pregnancy. Spa days are a fabulous way to relax (before trying that is). Keep talking and not bottle it up. Counselling too…does she have an Employee Assisted Program offered through her work benefits package?? They can be great. Makes sure you also take care of you, as she needs you more than she realised.
One thing that didn’t help me and I love people for the attempt to support in this was way, but people are always telling me I’m so strong…I disagree, especially when I was sat crying in the shower to hide the pain. But I would not have gotten through without my family and especially my husband and mums, well they just rock and I wanted to be like my mum.
I did start my family journey in my early 20s, several failed IVFs. I then had my miracle pregnancy, which we sadly lost. But I’ve kept going…I’m in my mid 40s. I had my transfer at the end of Feb and am currently 3-4 weeks pregnant. I’m just at that anxious and worried stage, to make sure I keep this baby snuggled for 9months.
I wish you and your daughter all the best and truly hope things work out well for her xxx
This might be a weird thing to say but don't put your whole heart into this and make sure you have other things going on in your life as you don't want the ivf journey to consume you. Basically don't forget to have fun in life and what ever will be will be. Thats how I handled it x
You have hit the nail on the head - she was a different person around the first transfer - chemical miscarriage and she changed, became all consumed and its gotten worse. I've said exactly what you say - have some fun, walk away for a while but she is so anxious about 'time running out' that she can't take it on board. I'll keep trying
I'm 43 and also a a solo mum, currently 36 weeks but it took quite a few rounds to get here.
If she's having chemical pregnancies this is at least a good sign that she can get pregnant. At 40 though I would guess the reason for the pregnancies not progressing is because of chromosome issues with her eggs - only a small percentage will be viable at 40+ unfortunately.
To save the heartache of failed transfers it would be worth doing genetic testing of embryos so you know you're only transferring ones with the best chance.
Also for women 40+ there are slightly better success rates from frozen transfers so it's worth trying that (if she did genetic testing she would definitely need to do fet because it can take a couple of weeks to get the test results).
After about 4 failed rounds (including using eggs I'd frozen at 37) I actually switched to donor eggs - it's not for everyone but it's useful to plant the seeds of this idea as it can take a long time to process of that might be a route she wants to go down at some point.
Finally I would suggest she asks the clinic for an honest opinion on chances of success per round, so she can decide if she's prepared to go through the rounds, emotions and money that is likely necessary to get a successful pregnancy. For me, they said less than 10% per round, and after that I gave it one last shot with my eggs then switched to donor eggs.
I was presented with the opportunity last night to 'broach' the donor egg possibility. A couple of my daughters friends have been suggesting adoption which has really upset her - she feels they just don't fully understand? I gently introduced the possibility of donor eggs - she hadn't even gone there. Whilst she wasn't over the moon about the idea it did get her thinking that there maybe another route for her.
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