Making decision to stop IVF

[LaraCRGH]

Hi everyone,

I've reached a point where I'm 95% likely not to continue with IVF and wondered at what point others may decide it's time to stop IVF?

After 6 egg collections over the last 18 months, culminating in one failed FET, I only ever managed to create one blastocyst, which is what I have just transferred and have just discovered failed. It was using an egg from when I was 42 and I'm 43.5 now.

I had a known donor and passionately wanted it to work with his sperm. I'm aware that switching the donor has the tiny possibility of better results, but considering the stats at age 43 (the consultant said 1.3 normal blastocysts out of 10), this very poor track record of ever creating blastocysts for me and the fact I've spent over £80k and now have very little extra funds to access, I think it's time to call it a day.

My embryos tended to disintegrate very early, and at that stage it is apparently most likely to be a result of egg quality, so I don't feel optinistic enough about my chances of using my own eggs. I've never been motivated to use donor eggs, even though I can see that is a fantastic option for many women.

One day I may look into adoption, depending on who I meet relationship wise, or maybe my other half might have children already.

I'm pretty sure my IVF journey is over now, so I just need to recover and look to other things in life. Anyway, I would love to know at what point others might decide or have decided to call it a day.

I can't thank this community enough for all the incredible and massively needed support along this very tough journey.

Thank you! Xx

[Orangeflowers]

I'm the same age as you and the quality of my blasts is pretty poor too. Wishing you strength whatever you decide. This is so tough xx

[Kmcdon]

Really hard decision but sounds like you are really thinking about what’s best for you. Wishing you health and happiness in the new year. Xx

[Twiglet2]

hi lovely I’m so sorry about the result of your transfer 😢 sending you a big hug 💜

I’m debating next steps just now and I’m writing a list of ‘what ifs’ to discuss in January with the wife. Things I might look back on and think ‘what if I’d just tried this’ and then I’m going to write the why not beside them as to why I’m not going to try that. If it’s sitting right with us that the reason(s) is/are compelling enough not to move forward then we will likely stop but if there’s something on the list that might give us a ‘what if’ regret as we move forward in life without a strong rationale not to then we will likely move forward and keep trying as we dont want any regrets. It kinda sounds like what you have ran through in your post already tbh and I’m sure whenever we stop we will still have the ‘I wonder what would have happened if I…’ thoughts which is kinda why I want the list to remind myself why we didn’t if that makes sense? (Or even why we did when it’s getting tough as this last round knocked the wind right outta me big time!)

For example for the donor eggs option maybe writing down why you don’t want to go down that road (perfectly understandable) might help you feel more confident in your decision to stop trying as that would be a lot of clinics recommended next step I think. That way you won’t forget the reason if you look back later in life as to why you didn’t go down that road?

Not sure if my rambling helps any sorry!! It’s where my head is at so thought I would share but feel free to ignore the crazy lady and her lists 😂🙈! I hope you find peace with your decision it is a tough one to make and whatever you decide remember how proud of yourself you should be for all you have done and are doing even now making this decision xx

[LaraCRGH in reply to Twiglet2]

I love it. Thank you so much. I'll do that today. It's very simple, but actually something I hadn't thought of and a fantastic idea. Good luck with your process too amd I hope it helps you find some clarity.

My god this is tough! Also, do you think part of how I'm feeling right now is hormonal, having had an abrupt end to all the medication and a period delayed all through the very nature of simply having an embryo transfer? I feel like I've been hit by a truck and am very tearful. Of course that's because of the bare facts of 18 months and 80k up the swanny with no results, but maybe it's also that my hormones are all over the place - do you think so Twiglet2 ? You've had a few embryo transfers haven't you...do you always feel a bit all over the place after the TWW is over and a negative result?? Xxx

[Twiglet2 in reply to LaraCRGH]

Oh yeah absolutely the hormones play a part as well as the normal grief type emotions taking over… that’s why I’m waiting a few weeks to make any big decisions personally but obviously thoughts are popping into my head the now (no matter how much I try not to think about it 🙈) so I’m writing them down for after new year but with no ‘decisions’ needed at this point. It’s what’s working for me right now but sometimes I do know straight away next steps but defo not this time so I’m thinking best to have all my hormones and emotions settle a little. It’s so blooming tough sometimes all of this! Xxx

[LaraCRGH in reply to Twiglet2]

Hi Twiglet2 , sending you lots of love and strength as it must still be raw for you following your recent failed transfer (I've just been reading back to get up to speed on your situation). Tonight might be a but difficult for us all, but let's hope that 2023 can bring us some more joy, in whatever form that might come. You are absolutely right about just waiting for hormones, emotions, upset etc to settle and subside before making any radical decisions.

Thank you for coming back to me so quickly and kindly - I really don't know how I would have got through the last few days without support from you and others on this forum and a forum for single IVF-ers on FB I'm on too.

Take care, Happy New Year (!) and good luck with steering a new path in 2023 when you're ready xxx

[Twiglet2 in reply to LaraCRGH]

thank you lovely 😊 and a happy new year to you too! Xxx

[Banana77]

Thinking of you - we will be stopping now too as hard as it is x

[LaraCRGH in reply to Banana77]

I'm very sorry to hear that Banana77 . It takes courage to stop as well as to actually go through the IVF, and Im sure your gut instinct about when to stop is right. Im still in a but of denial so I haven’t 100% got there yet but feel thay I will in the mext couple of weeks. Take care xx

[Poop84]

hi Lara I am the same stage and I think same clinic as you will dM you x

[LaraCRGH in reply to Poop84]

Thank you x

[Hopecontinues]

Hi, I'm really sorry to hear about your latest cycle. It's so heartbreaking to have failed collections/transfers and to spend so much money. I'm in a similar position, doing this as a single person, in my 40's and have had 5 failed transfers. For me, I had to know that I'd exhausted all options with my own eggs and I researched all the alternative treatments. I went to North Cyprus and had a cytoplasmic transfer, which is where they inject my eggs with plasma from the donor egg and it did improve the embryos. I also did tandem, which means I had the spare donor eggs fertilised with the same sperm and ended up with 2 donor blastocysts and 2 of my own.

The process was awful, I won't bore you with it, but the doctor wouldn't give me any information unless I was sitting in front of him and then he'd give me mere minutes to make life changes decisions. Now the reason I'm telling you this, is because I never wanted to use donor eggs, but in that moment when I had to make a decision, I just wanted to be a mummy and I didn't want to go through another egg collection again, or have another failed transfer, so I said put one of each in.

It sadly didn't work and neither did the next, but now I know I've exhausted all options with my own eggs and it's donor or give up. The last process made me ok with donor, but I still hear people talking about babies and saying "she looks just like her mother" and it makes me sad.

The thing that swung it for me though was reading about epigenetics. There is also research out there which proves that mothers and babies swap cells constantly in pregnancy and that the mother will still have cells from the baby in her body years later. There is a strong bond built in carrying a child.

To answer your question, I decided enough was enough with my own eggs, when I'd spoken to about 10 different doctors and they all said the chances were practically zero, then I tried that one last crazy procedure which I wouldn't recommend and in that process moved to donor. I will give this a go and if it doesn't work, I'm going to get busy living.

Best of luck with whatever you decide and be kind to yourself. 6 egg collections is a hell of a thing to go through, especially on your own. You are a strong woman.

X

[LaraCRGH in reply to Hopecontinues]

Hi Hopecontinues ,

I think I need to speak to a few different fertility consultants to get some feedback from someone other than my one fertility doctor who has taken me through the last 18 months (even though I rate him highly).

When you spoke to all these different doctors, did you just contact the fertility clinics and manage to have free conversations, or were you paying a few hundred quid a time for their advice? Also, did you speak with doctors from outside of England as well?

I think this is what my next step needs to be. If I keep getting told I have a 1% chance with my own eggs that will help me to accept that I need to stop the IVF, but I think I need a few doctors to tell me this.

I have several friends who all have babies who conceived using unknown donors when they were 43, 44 and 45, so I still find it hard to accept that I'm not able to do what they seemed to he able to do easily. I don't say that in any way not being genuinely delighted for them, and I'm only saying I just need a bit more convincing about why I need to give up this dream.

Thank you for any advice you can share about getting as much feedback as possible from consultants quickly.

Lxx

[Hopecontinues in reply to LaraCRGH]

Hi,It was a combination. I paid for some consultations in the UK with recommended clinics who deal with older women. They were very expensive, but said there is a chance, you just have to keep trying, it's a numbers game. One of those clinics does have success and the doctor is on YouTube talking about his alternative approach, but at the time I spoke to them they had a big waiting list.

I spoke to doctors at clinics in Spain and Greece and didn't pay for the sessions, but that was over the years. I was actually thinking about using each clinic. 2 of the Greek clinics I was researching PRP and was going to have that, but the feedback from most people on here was that it didn't work for them.

Most doctors pushed me towards donor. I remember going for egg collection in Greece and they told me how low my chances were of success. They were so surprised at the quality of my eggs though. They said I had very little fragmentation, but unfortunately the cells weren't dividing quickly enough, so I had to have a 2 day transfer.

What made me go abroad was the level of care and the personal approach. I'll PM you the clinics I spoke to.

X

[LaraCRGH]

Wow Hopecontinues , you have also been through one hell of a journey so far. It's so unbelievably hard. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I really hope the donor embryo route will work for you! I have heard a bit about epigenetics now and I do think it sounds utterly incredible and clearly there is the dynamic process of developing and co-creating that takes place, so the child that is born from you would be very different to the child born from me if we were given exactly the same embryo. The major stumbling block for me is that I'm not one of these women who always wanted to be pregnant or to give birth. In fact I've never been keen on either, well fairly terrified of child birth however it happens, even if by cesarean. So that makes me lean towards the idea of adoption. But really I would want to be in a solid partnership before considering adoption, so I need to get cracking trying to find someone!! I've decided to get a second opinion from the London Women's Clinic about my chances, and if they say less than 5%, I don't think I'm going to put myself through anymore IVF with an unknown donor. I will start to look into adoption, and who knows - maybe I could adopt one my own. People do it, but I'd rather do it with someone... So let's see what the future has in store for us both. I feel very hopeful and positive from what you've said that you're going to make it! Sending lots of love, strength and luck for you in creating your little family xxxx