45, 3 ‘top quality’ embryos transferred BFN

[peanut8176]

So saddened that after 6 years of trying naturally, including 3 IVF-ICSI cycles since 2020, facing so many interruptions and delays because the pandemic began, such a promising 3rd cycle has ended with a BFN 14dp3dt. A blood test yesterday confirmed it’s negative. The best thing I did was to get a laparoscopy in November last year which revealed I had been suffering with Stage 4 burned out and inoperable Rectovaginal Endometriosis, blocked tubes - one of which was open in a HSG 2019(!) - which answered why I had never fallen pregnant naturally. I really had to push for this, and I cannot stress how informative a lap - as well as a HSG exam - is. For my 1st and 2nd cycles I only produced 1-2 eggs, but for this 3rd one I produced 7 eggs, 2 they damaged with ICSI, 1 they had been waiting on but didn’t make it, 1 was immature but 3 fertilised normally with my embryologist grading them ‘top quality, 1 -minimal fragmentation’. I did this cycle because of knowing my tubes were now both blocked, we were trying naturally too but we now knew this was no longer an option. To have had all 3 transferred and at day 3, as recommended for my age, I had hope. But my dreams of becoming a biological mother ended yesterday. I am so in love with my partner and we wanted our biological baby, heartbroken.

[Hidden]

Oh love I’m so sorry, sending you the hugest hug. I am 45 in three weeks and was told at 43 to give up on own eggs. It took me a long time to grieve and i ended up getting some counselling. We’ve now moved onto donor eggs and have some embryos but can’t transfer for a while yet unfortunately. Feel free to message me if you want to chat/rant etc. having been there I know it’s a very lonely place with all sorts of emotions Hugest hugs xx

[peanut8176 in reply to Hidden]

Those virtual hugest hugs were so very much needed thank you from the bottom of my broken heart Daisy1245… It’s just the time it took to diagnose me that I’m now trying to comprehend. For years I was telling my GP how much I was suffering with abdominal pains, and she just sent me for allergy tests and bladder checks and everything else but a laparoscopy. Had I have been diagnosed earlier I would have retrieved my eggs at a younger age and potentially stood a chance, given I have been told my womb and lining are always ‘perfect’. I accept I need to grieve too and am going to give my clinic’s free counselling a go for the first time this cycle. It’s a bottomless financial pit plus I need to come to terms with everything and be happy again, and then yes they have now suggested I look into donor eggs. I mean no offence whatsoever because it may well be something I consider, but it’s just the heartbreak of never having a little ‘me’n’him’. My biggest cuddle back Daisy1245Xx

[FrancyItaly]

Just wanted to send you lots of love and a huge hug at this difficult time 💕

[peanut8176 in reply to FrancyItaly]

Thank you so much FrancyItay, I have just now finished a FaceTime call with my boyfriend who has had to go to Paris overnight for work, I insisted he gets on with work as it’s only one night, but I’ve spent 15 minutes sobbing, which I didn’t want to do as he’s already sad for me, us, so your love and huge hug are so comforting, lots of love and cuddle back 💞Xx

[Owengle123]

Hello lovely, I’m in a similar position to you and just wanted to reach out and give you a virtual hug. Life is so so hard at times. Xxx

[peanut8176 in reply to Owengle123]

Hi lovely Owengle123, thank you for your virtual hug to wake up to, but so sad to hear that you are in a similar position to me, life is indeed so hard to swallow at times. I guess only time can help me come to terms with the life that is meant for me - with my boyfriend, truly the love of my life (after a failed marriage when I was younger). Have a lovely SaturdayXoxoxo hugs back

[Booda21]

So sorry to hear this sad news. Sending lots of love and strength to you xxx

[peanut8176 in reply to Booda21]

Thank you so much for your empathy Booda21, I am new to this site but I had been recently avidly reading the love, connection, camaraderie and support on here so felt it would be a real help to join feeling so isolated, because friends and family can only understand so much, and I’m glad I did. Sending all my love back and wishing you nothing but the very best, have a wonderful SaturdayXxx

[Owengle123 in reply to peanut8176]

💗 I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in this! We might explore egg donation but it’s proving to be quite a lot for me to get my head around. Have a lovely Saturday too xxx

[peanut8176 in reply to Owengle123]

Me too, but I think I need to just grieve the change of what I can and cannot do and want to pay for going forward for now, still reeling from the BFN HPT and bloods Thursday 🥺 This said I am reading about epigenetics and it’s quite fascinating what we can pass on even with a donor egg. I even read an article in the Telegraph about advancements in using genes from both the donor and carrier. But we’re a while off from that I guess, ethics etc. But it was a really interesting article. 💞Xxx love to you Owengle123

[Hidden in reply to peanut8176]

Epigenetics is the thing that got my head around donor, and the fact my sisters children (own eggs) don’t look the slightest thing like her and yet no one every question if they are hers (which was always one of my concerns)! x

[peanut8176 in reply to Hidden]

Of course, I totally see this reasoning too, I guess it’s just the niggling confusion still there in me. I need to educate myself more about the ins and outsXx

[Positivechangeplease]

I’m so sorry, it’s such heartbreaking news. Such a long time and you must have had such hope and resilience. ❤️❤️❤️

[peanut8176 in reply to Positivechangeplease]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your empathy and understanding, I am new to writing on forums and this site really resonated with me, being so full of love, sisterhood and support and I really thank you for yours. It has truly been such a long, helpless, journey, I have literally felt like a mole not being taken seriously by GP’s for years with my suffering, then them dragging out referrals and correct investigations as I ended my 30’s and began my 40’s. Including the fertility clinic I have remained with (they pioneered IVF in this country) - I literally had to insist I get a laparoscopy - because after 2 failed IVF-ICSI attempts they told me to continue trying naturally which at that stage at 43/44 hadn’t worked for the past 6/7 years anyway! You know, I just hope I can help someone who may come across my feed and replies, as well as the virtual comfort I am receiving. My boyfriend returns tonight after being away overnight and I cannot wait to be back in his arms. Feel so vulnerable and lost. But I hope to be happy again one day💞💞💞 Positivechangeplease - your name couldn’t ring more true for what I need, have a lovely SaturdayXx

[Positivechangeplease in reply to peanut8176]

Awww I really feel for you I do. Yes, my name - when I created it was because I was also having a bad time and I just wanted it to change. For me eventually it has so far but I don’t want to make you feel worse. You’re such a strong person, after such disappointment hopefully together you’ll find a way forward. I have friends who after so much failed Ivf adopted. It’s not for everyone at all, but eventually everyone finds a path for them and think where they are now they’re so happy where life has taken them. ❤️❤️

[peanut8176 in reply to Positivechangeplease]

Aahh not at all worse, because positivity and success is what we all surely want for each other. Hearing successful stories, as well as yes similar stories, is what drives us; reading the strength, perseverance and dreams actually coming true of each of ours however which which way and when they happen. So I wish you nothing but happiness and continued blessings💞💞 thank you for taking time to share your empathy and kind, comforting words and you are right. Of one thing I am sure it is that every path in life reaches its own fruition and makes sense in the end, and for now I’m simply grateful that in my boyfriend I truly have the bestest friendship, the deepest love and the strongest arms to hold us both, and deep down despite my hurt and recently being shaken by my deceptively ‘top quality’ cycle, that our happiness will also come our way in the way and when it’s meant to. Thank youXx

[Hopecontinues]

My heart goes out to you. It's so difficult to come to terms with a BFN anyway, but when you're producing good embryos you really get your hopes up. I've been here and feel your pain. Massive hugs from me. X

[peanut8176 in reply to Hopecontinues]

Thank you so much from the bottom of mine💞That’s exactly it, we arrived with a realistic and calm feeling but then the embryologist filled us with so much excitement by making such a point of our 3 embies being ‘top quality’, ‘grade 1’ that the fall was so hard. Massive virtual cuddles back, they were neededXx