I’ve posted on here a bit recently. Mainly just to get thoughts and worries out, but also reaching out to you ladies for support.
I’ve had two MMC in the last two years. (Also worth noting I had a late MC in another relationship in 2014 and I have no children) Because of this my relationship has become strained, esp when I was told my fertility was low and ivf might be the only option. It’s all me. Low AMH, 40, too old basically. Both MMC were natural conceptions, but neither made it passed 7-8 weeks. My partner said from the very first consultation that if ivf didn’t work he could not imagine a life without a child because that’s not what he wanted and had no interest in adoption (he was abandoned by his father as a baby so wants the chance to have his own kid and raise it). From the day of that consultation I’ve lived with this knowledge and it’s killed me. But I persevered to see if we could get it to work. Just before my consultation with the ivf nurse I fell pregnant naturally, just around my 40th. The ivf team agreed not to discharge because I was so early in the pregnancy. When I had the miscarriage I rang then the next week to get me back in the process. I was also told by a rather frank consultant (sometimes appreciated, sometimes not) that with my level of fertility at 40 I shouldn’t even qualify for a round on the nhs but because I’d started the process before 40 he would allow me to continue.
I needed another base line scan. I had this at 4 weeks after the miscarriage and the situation looked dire. One follicle, a cyst on each ovary. After my first MMC is took 10 weeks to get my period back. It’s been the same this time. In hindsight I should just have waited for my first bleed before the scan, but I was so eager to start the process. I’ve had to cancel the repeat scan twice. Once because I thought I’d started my period (I didn’t I bled for 24hrs and stopped), second because I found out I probably had an infection. My partner has passed on an STI.
I am devastated. I’m devastated for what he has done. For him risking my health in this already difficult journey. For destroying any chance I had at giving this ivf a shot, because surely if we’ve split I won’t be allowed to continue? He knew how much this meant to me, how this was my last chance. I feel like my life has been put on a childless path because he has been so completely selfish when times got tough.
Why am I posting all this? The reality is I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him I want nothing more to do with him. I was so sure. But 48hrs later I don’t know if I’ve ruined my own chances by being so rash. I guess I’m asking you guys, what would you do? I feel these are my options:
A) I say I want to give it another try. To give myself the chance to become a mum (but where is the self respect in this?! How do I do this and not feel like I’m being walked all over)
B) End the relationship and literally never see him again (this is the path I have already set in motion and it might be too late to stop it). But I do this knowing NHS ivf chance is gone. My chance to be a mother is as far away as it will ever be.
C) Realise the relationship has ended but ask if he would still do the process with me for the free round (again too desperate?)
D) I pay for ivf as a single person using a sperm donor. But again I do this knowing that the career I have would be very difficult as a single mum (I wouldn’t be able to get part time and “flexible” working isn’t something embraced in my work place. But they pay me well) It’s not impossible but it would be difficult and expensive. I could afford the nursery fees to allow me to work full time, but I would spend my whole monthly wage. I also don’t know how I could do school when it happened as I’m contracted to 8hrs a day but regularly work more and the school drop off and pick ups feel like they’d be impossible. I know I’m thinking very far ahead here, but I’ve never been one to fly by the seat of my pants and don’t want my life to end in complete mess.
To everyone of you that reads this, thank you for taking the time to read it, I know it’s a long one. If anyone has any experience of being in this situation Im desperate to hear from you. I need help because my life is at the biggest crossroads I’ll ever face and genuinely don’t know what to do. Any words of advise or thought are appreciated.
Thank you x
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COH1981
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Obviously I don’t know your partner or all the context, but sounds to me like he is not a great person to be in a relationship with, whether that is a romantic or co-parent relationship. He sounds difficult and manipulative.
If I were you I think I would cut my losses and stay clear of him (easier said than done I know!). I would either use a sperm donor, look into embryo adoption or regular adoption, or maybe think about how I might go about building a child free life (only you can decide what’s right for you of course).
In terms of your job/career, I think you need to decide if becoming a mum or your job is most important to you. If it’s becoming a mum, you’ll figure things out. Either your employers need to be more flexible (are there no other mothers working there?!), or you find another job.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate your input. I never thought I’d find myself here, asking strangers for help and advice. But I think it’s probably easier to offer advice to people you don’t know. Thank u x
Honestly. Having a baby when your relationship is as it sounds is never a good idea. You could go ahead with this and still end up the single mum that it doesn’t sound like you want to be. I know things look awful just now. But bringing a baby in to a negative relationship is not fair xxx
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. My honest opinion is that trying to continue with this guy would be very very hard. The fact he has cheated on you, at this of all times (there is never a good time!) speaks volumes. So unfair, not only emotionally but also to put your health at risk. All setbacks at our age are a huge worry and cause of stress, so having to deal with another problem through no fault of your own is dreadful. Also, for him to start your IVF experience with a bleak veiled 'warning' - as that's kind of how it sounds 'this has to work or else.. what, I find a baby another way?' - is a bit unfair. We all go into IVF knowing any single cycle is more likely to fail, statistically, definitely when a bit older, than to work. That's the reality, much as we wish it wasn't. We are playing a game of luck, and if we can we try to increase those odds by doing multiple cycle, helping things along, exploring what we can to increase the success rate. But ultimately, we have no control over this. The people for whom IVF fails would make just as good parents as those for whom it works, they just lack the luck or resources. My point is, I feel it's unhelpful for one partner going into this saying 'this better work' as it adds so much pressure. (I'm sorry too that your consultant sounds like a bit of a jerk! 😡). It's easy for me to say this as I've taken this path (temporarily! my backstory is insane and ridiculous) but if I were you I'd go for this solo. Through IVF if you can afford it or through adoption a bit further down the line if that would work for you. The good news here is that despite the tragedy of multiple MCs, you can clearly get pregnant, which is important. There are things that could be looked at to possibly help you. It's good that you're thinking of costs for schools etc already as if thinking solo you have to be able to plan all this out. But remember, a few years is a long time, and if you have a good job now there is no reason you can't get a similarly-paid role or even better in future, with more flexibility. Thinking of you today xx
I’m so sorry you hve gone through all this.Firstly stop blaming yourself about the fertility issues, it’s not fair but don’t look at yourself as some big problem.
Secondly he is trash … sorry yep I don’t know him but to do this while you are preparing to put yourself through the most rollercoaster of a ride aka IVF… when he doesn’t have to do anything and it’s all on you, is awful. Trust me I have been where you are and I took the man back for him to don it again … he however gave me an STI I will always live (herpes) with but I met an amazing man who didn’t care and we have been married 6 years, one son and now trying for a sibling. I too am 40 and struggling as my egg quality is not great anymore. What I’m saying I guess is this guy not only cheated but he didn’t use protection and put you at risk … next time it could be a worse STI or harm a pregnancy.
Ok so next - yes single parenting will be hard but you will find a way…. If you want to do this do this. With spark doner or maybe sperm and Doner egg …. But do not look back on life and think this man stole your chance. Even the way he told you if you can’t get pregnant that’s it and did not want to consider adoption or anything else shows a very self centred approach.
So try for this child without him … you will work out childcare while at work whether child minders, nursery, family help … or find a job that’s more flexible … you will find a way if this is what you really need in life.
I am so so sorry for the heartache but I feel from what you’ve written years from now it won’t be over him it will be over perhaps not trying. He is wrong. He has behaved Abhorrently , please stay strong xx
You’re a fighting talker and I like it! Thanks for the motivation. I’m hoping I have the strength you clearly have to see this through. I’m so happy your journey worked out so well. I hope I get as lucky as you x
I am really sorry to hear you are at such a difficult position. I hope you don’t mind me being honest but from reading your post your partner only cares about his own feeling and put himself before you throughout the process. As an outsider reading this hurts me because you deserve so much better than this. Do you really want him to be the father of your child? I am having fertility issues due to low AMH too, so I totally understand how you feel. I am looking into IVF and hopefully will be able to start soon. I have done loads of research recently, there’s so many ways to preserve your fertility, you could freeze embryo with donor sperm, freeze your eggs(even tho I read success rate is lower and you need to freeze loads to give it a best chance). I think you should sort out the relationship first and think about the next step of being a parent. You wouldn’t want your child to grow up in a stressful environment. Wish you all the best and big hugsss xx
Thank you for your reply. I hope your journey goes well for you. Fingers crossed for your journey. I know what I should do, but it’s not what I want to do right now. I’m in that horrible period where I just want it all to go away and be ok x
Hi Coh, I want to start of my saying how sorry I am to hear of what your going through. It certainly doesn't help having a partner who has absolutely no sympathy. You deserve to be with someone who will be kind and supportive. Having a child is the best thing that could possibly happen no matter how this child is conceived with IVF, adopted, surrogate, donor ect.
Regarding work and childcare - there are breakfast clubs and after school clubs. Hopefully you'll boss will be supportive about your schedule. I hope things work out better for you. I hope what I've written is a help.
Oh Coh my heart goes out to you I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I have always found there's nothing more lonely than being with someone who isn't right, and especially someone who doesn't seem to care about you.
A bit more about me...
I'm 42, single and childless. I love my life though, I have a lovely supportive group of friends and close family. But... I do want a baby!
I decided just under a year ago to go it alone. I have done two unsuccessful rounds with my own eggs, and am about to do a third with donor eggs (and sperm).
I completely understand the career and financial concerns you have with regards to being a single mum. But having a baby with the wrong guy comes at a huge cost. If things are already bad between you, you could easily be in a situation where you can't even stand the sight of him before the baby has even arrived. Then you have a beautiful baby who you love more than the world, and you have to share it with someone who has treated you horribly. For the rest of your life, you will be tied to that guy. You won't be able to move away from them without their permission. You will need their sign off to choose a school. Your child will be spending 50 percent of their time with someone so morally questionable they think it's ok to cheat on a partner going through ivf. You may also have to watch as he goes on to have children with another woman, and tackle the family dynamic that this causes.
Apologies that the above is quite a brutal run down, obviously I don't know the guy so might be way off the mark! But for me, I couldn't imagine wanting to share my baby with someone who I don't want to be my life partner, no matter the cost.
I’m so sorry. This is a very difficult, complicated situation and only you can decide what is best.
However, as an outsider looking in and based on your post I would not involve your ex partner in your plans; I think he will let you down. I would combine b) and d) I think go for it on your own, you are a strong person. Don’t get too caught up worrying about nursery fees, there are different benefits and schemes available when you need some help so I wouldn’t let this stop you. He said he wouldn’t adopt but perhaps this option is still on your radar as a possible way of becoming a mother. I also think the incredible stress of knowing someone will leave you if the ivf doesn’t work and the pressure it puts on your body cannot be good for your health (not just your ivf health but your health in general) - so now you can focus on rest, eating well, exercise, meditation, nature, taking time for YOU (again, these are all very important whether you are doing ivf or not).
Best wishes with whatever you choose and please do keep in touch when you need people to talk to xxx
Hiya. I can only comment on your 3rd point. I’m single and a workaholic and over 40! I decided to go ahead using donor Sperm and now have a beautiful 11 month old girl. I am now thinking of having another transfer this month. My advice to you having done this, is don’t worry about how you will cope as a single mother as you will find a way. It’s hard at times but I’m thankful that’s she’s all mine and I don’t have to share her with anyone that I’m not happy with. I wish you all the best and feel free to message me if you want to talk xx
I was in the same situation and decided to leave my boyfriend at the time. I started the process of doing IVF alone but met someone else on the way and ended up going through IVF with him. Best decision and I’m confident had I not met this new man I would have completed the process alone and worked around the difficulties without regret. My friend is just about to give birth having done IVF with donor sperm alone and she hasn’t looked back either.
Do you need a man in your life who has upset you so much and only puts himself first? I think you will be stronger and happier without him.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is entirely your decision but I just wanted to say that your partner does not sound like a nice guy and you really need someone who is in it with you to be on this journey.. and don’t let him steal your opportunity to be a mum… I am so sorry that you are going through a difficult time. I wish you loads of strength and luck xx
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it must be so difficult. It’s easy for all of us looking in to say what we’d do in your situation but only you know what you should do. For me personally, I’d want to be as far away from him as possible as he doesn’t sound like someone who deserves to be with you. You can look into sperm donors and try as a single person, or there’s always the option to adopt as a single person if that’s something you’ve considered?
Also, never ever blame yourself for your fertility issues, you didn’t cause them and you don’t deserve them. Overall I’d say that trying to become a mum as a single person is a hell of a lot better than trying to become a mum with a terrible partner. Sending you so much love and strength, I hope you find the right option for you ❤️
Hi, I haven’t read all the comments as I wanted to have a clear view on my thoughts ( I will read them later though). My view, it is not nice to be with a person that does not appreciate the other half. and if being a dad would have been his priority he would have been next to you on this journey and not putting your health at risk .
Don’t worry so much about being a single mum. There is always help on the way.
Also there is a website that is called “coparenting” , you never know! Maybe is worth to have a look.
Thank you for your reply! I know he clearly doesn’t appreciate me and it’s nothing to do with me and all to do with his issues. I’m just struggling to understand how someone can do this to a person they say they love x
OH my lovely what a huge pile of heavy stuff you are going through. Right in this instant it's going to be hard to make big decisions; it sounds like you made the most important one to break away from this man. IVF is a total mindfk, and can draw couples closer together as much as it creates big strains on relationships. It sounds like this person isn't capable of supporting you and the relationship & your instinct is telling you this. Even taking IVF and fertility out of the relationship equation, you're in the throes of a hurtful breakup and that's hard. Perhaps his life experiences mean he doesn't have the ability to support a close relationship; you can't be expected to "fix" him, or cajole him on board.And it doesn't sound like you may really want to be forever tied to this person.... And pause a second on the enormity of doing an ivf cycle - it's blooming hard! Your heart is still grieving from your m/c, and speaking as one who brushed off number 1 m/c (having family who'd experienced worse, i didn't rate our 1st early m/c as being as significant as their losses - yes, daft), and who didn't rate number 2 as valid (the pg was discovered the day we had our IVF consent form filling marathon - m/c within the week and sheer terror i'd be kicked off the list for ivf; i was not) it was the 3rd m/c after an unexpected natural pg which occurred after failed ivf1, the only nhs ivf we qualified for as i was 41 by the time we hit the top of the list - mndfk precisely - At that stage a kind GP explained to me that multiple m/c can creep up & really knock your stuffing.
What am i trying to say ? ....please be kind to yourself; don't feel you must make all these decisions at once. IVF on your own is something that is done and successfully so in this time and age. Yes that's a big decision, but you don't have to make it today. AMH is not the only thing to influence your outcome - The gent brings 50% of the ingredients, and well, who is to say this "guy" really has great quality ingredients - the NHS sperm tests are pretty basic ( we only discovered this once we set off on the private route)
Your job right now sounds fulfilling and a secure pay packet- what's to say that in 5 years you might want to change roles entirely and secure something else fulfilling and securely paid. At that stage you may be a mom to a toddler through private ivf, and i'll bet it could be tough to juggle, but people do find ways to make these changes. If you have the headspace, try and do some sums and see if you could save to do private ivf on a timescale that would work better for you.
I just want to give you a bloody great hug, and i know , I'm a random stranger but i'm rooting for you . xxx
Thank you for your kind reply. You made some points that have hit home. I actually read your message at 2am cause, you know, not sleeping that well. I’m a zombie at my desk right now. I’m going to go for my baseline repeat and then talk to the clinic about what now from here. I’m assuming they’ll pull the free round on the nhs if we’ve split up? Unless they’d let me transfer to do with a donor…..I don’t even know if they do this. I’m exhausted and just sad. Thank you for your support x
hey - you got through last night. Take this in stages, a wee bit at a time. build in a bit of treat time for you - if that's going for a hot chocolate in a cafe with a book, or doing something creative, a bit of gentle distraction can be good to unknot the shoulders. I'm sending soothing vibes and a wish that you get a better night's sleep soon. ( if it's due to meds, i found acupuncture a bloody godsend for helping me sleep) consider this random stranger in your corner x
I am so sorry you are going through this. I had a terrible situation not too dissimilar to this a number of years ago. I would say it is a personal choice and it is never black and white. But you need to ensure that you are confident in the decision that you make and that you feel the trust is there to continue your journey. There are always options of donor sperm or embryo.
Thank you for your reply. It’s so nice strangers will take time out to help me. I’ve read your latest story, I have everything crossed for you. Good luck x
I honestly feel so crushed for you. This must be a terribly agonizing time. I think any option that involves your current partner, unless you are 100% certain that you want this commitment with him, I wouldn't pursue it. Why should you help fulfil his dream of being a father, when he has disrespected you in such a way? You are NOT out of options. I think D is the best option for you. Yes, it's not the most convenient when it comes to your career, but is a child convenient for any ones career? You can't reduce your hours in your current job, but there is nothing stopping you finding another employer. Get some extra savings behind you throughout the process, and then look for somewhere else? maybe! You can always find another job but you can't buy more time. If it is now or never, you need to decide whether you want to be a mum, or continue your career. (I obviously know its not that easy, but you know what I mean).
I hope you find some peace and decide what you want to do that makes you happy xx
Thank you for your words of advice. I don’t think I know what I want right now. All I think about it how much I want to hear from him despite being a total piece of crap. Time is not on my side x
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. What a nightmare. I can't imagine how you must feel. The MMCs would be difficult enough, let alone everything else that has happened to you in the last 2 years.
A few years ago my husband and I argued just before I went away to London with friends. I was feeling totally miserable as it took so long to find a partner and my dream was to have children , so to break up felt like I was losing that dream and I was heartbroken that might be happening to me.
Anyway, while I was in London there was this big feminist march on which I passed while I was killing time before my train home, and I was listening to the speakers and looking at the signs the ladies who were marching had made, and I realised - I can do this myself. I don't need a man. I can do it alone. I will be a mother whatever happens, because I'll make it happen.
You will feel the same in a few weeks or months when you're feeling stronger. You don't need this man, or any man, to fulfill your dream to become a mother, thanks to the kind sperm and embryo donors out there, or adoption if that's the route you choose. And you will make it work when juggling childcare and your job. I know you might lose your NHS funded round this time around, and that's really tough, but you can try again when you're feeling physically and mentally stronger, and that will give you time to save up too and do it your way in your own time.
Now however you need to take some time to grieve the relationship and the life that you won't be having with him. He's treated you appallingly but you loved him and you need friends, distractions and time to help you to get over it. It's so awful and I know everyone here is sending you lots of love to get through this. We're all here for you.
Thank you for following up! I’m doing ok thank u. I decided to completely cut him off, and did so more or less straight after I did this post. He is a terrible person and I’m glad, in hindsight, I have no ties to him. Children or no children he would have cheated on me and made my whole life a misery. He was a compulsive lier, and deep down I’d always known this but pushed it down into my gut because I wanted a family so badly. Desperation clouds all sense sometimes.
It’s been a very tough few months, but I’m more or less out of the other side. I think of him and I feel nothing. I’ve had to work more on forgiving myself.
I’ve taken the difficult decision not to pursue IVF. I don’t want to force something that isn’t meant to be and end up regretting that. Especially when I’d be on my own. I will just hope I can find a nice guy, maybe I’ll have that one good egg left and a miracle will happen, who knows. It was always about the family for me, not just the child. I guess I’ll never be 100% comfortable with the decision, but it’s one I hope I’ll make peace with in time. I have a niece and nephew who I adore, I’ll continue to be their favourite fun auntie, and just see where life takes me next x
That sounds really positive and you should be really proud of yourself for taking that difficult step and leaving that waste of space. I am confident that this will be the best decision you have ever made. Welldone you!! Taking back control!
You deserve so much better than a lying , unsupportive cheat.
I resonate with the wanting a family not just a child.
I was in that same situation and I met someone ( with a child ) when I was 40 ( just as I was about to commence IVF alone!) so you never know what’s around the corner. Have you considered freezing your eggs and storing them for the future just in case?
It’s when you aren’t looking and trying that opportunities fall into your lap
Bless you. You need to start looking after yourself. You don’t deserve what he has done and only you can decide what to do but going it alone would be exciting / scary. I’m sure you would manage and you’ll be less stressed as you won’t be worried your partner will leave you or cheat xx
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