Sorry.. had to vent!: I thought I was... - Fertility Network UK

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Sorry.. had to vent!

Char2383 profile image

I thought I was doing ok until last night.. our neighbours were in their garden having a drink and invited us for a catch up. We were on our way out but sat down for a quick catch up. They’re a really nice couple who we see now and again but not that often. The guy looked me in the eye and said they had great news to share and said that his wife was pregnant with a little boy. Honestly it stabbed me in the heart so badly I could’ve vomited on the spot….!

It’s not that I’m not happy for them, I genuinely am!! But to see the happiness and pride on his face, I just want that to be my partner so much. It’s such a brutal feeling. We went off to have dinner and I just had to wail in a side street before we went in. I’d held it together and did my best fake smile and congratulated them at the time. My partner said I did an amazing job of covering up how I’m truly feeling.

Sorry for the rant. You guys are probably the only people who would understand why I’m feeling like this. I’m so broken 💔

43 Replies

its honestly difficult and very normal to feel this way when uv been battling with ivf. some people just dont know how hard it could be when its so easy for them and they get pregnant naturally. dont loose hope ur day will come and dont give up. ur strong for getting this far.

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to Chantysal

Thank you for the encouragement, I really appreciate it x x

It's exactly that isn't it - like a knife to the heart. So many of my friends have become pregnant and had their babies while we've been doing IVF (mostly the first month of trying) and each time I am happy for them but heartbroken for me and my husband. There's nothing I can say to help except I know exactly how you feel. Sending love xxx

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to Millbanks

Thank you for your kindness, I truly feel my spirit is broken today but I know there’s no way out of this I just have to carry on.. Such an invisible disease. Thank you again lovely, your words helped x x

Millbanks profile image
Millbanks in reply to Char2383

So very true, but there are so many happy endings to this nightmare. Like you say, you just have to carry on, and we’re all behind you! Xx

It’s complete agony…. We’ve all been there. I won’t tell you all the numerous stories. It’s a pain no one understands if they haven’t been through it…. All I can do is send you a big virtual hug, keep strong and plough on , we’re with you 💪 xx

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to McQueeny

❤️ Thank you, honestly I’d feel so alone if it wasn’t for this community. Working on my resilience and strength, I just can’t imagine life without this pressure anymore. What on Earth did I even think about before this?!

McQueeny profile image
McQueeny in reply to Char2383

I know! It takes over your life completely, it’s so hard to think about anything else… Be kind to yourself and make some allowances for yourself when you can. IVF and infertility is by far the hardest experience I’ve been through. But you get through it - because you have to, and you push on x

I'm so sorry. I totally understand. I had a missed miscarriage just before the first lockdown. One of my best friends stopped by a couple of months later to stick a birthday card/present through my door and stand at least 2m away for a quick chat during which time I told her my sorry story but that I had been given the green light to try again. She said her and her boyfriend were going to be trying too. We were both naively excited about having babies at the same time. She got pregnant immediately and had a little girl. I have had 3 unsuccessful IVF cycles and no luck naturally since then and am now 45. I havent felt able to meet her baby yet even though people say it might be good for my body to hold a baby and remind itself what it is meant to do. A girl I went to school with who is a few months older than me also got pregnant and had a healthy baby girl around the time I should have had my baby. That felt very unfair because she already had two children. And another girl I knew who is two years younger than me got pregnant from a one night stand just after the first lockdown ended. All of these things feel so unfair but it is good to cry about them and deal with them a remind yourself of the positives in life and that your time will come. That's why it is good you were able to cry before going into the restaurant and that you have a supportive partner. I am hoping and praying for success for you that you will have a little one to play with your neighbour's little one soon. All the best xxx

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to Koala365

I’m really sorry to hear of your suffering, it’s such an impossible situation to be in. I really hope you get your good news soon, you deserve it! Thank you for your kind words and wishes, same for you too x x

Goldenegg1 profile image
Goldenegg1 in reply to Koala365

What you’ve got to remind yourself is that your being ethical and good to your body. Not risking your health with one night stands. I’ve got a mate who just doesn’t get my fertility journey and had herself got pregnant with out planing with her husband.

Her response to me is don’t you fancy a one night stand and bam baby ! What???? Yes I really would like to risk my sexual health with hiv, Hpv and all the rest of those nasties and still not end up preggers. Oh and then there is the conversation you have with your child when they say who’s my daddy well !!!!

I avoid talking with that friend about my journey but she’s the best with everything else. 🤫 don’t tell her!

Can totally relate and I do believe unless you have been through it you can't understand. My brother is having a baby and I found it so difficult at the beginning. I spent a month probably crying cause of how I was feeling. I felt bad that I was feeling bad if you can understand that. My way with dealing with this journey is to avoid situations with babies or baby talk but it really isn't always possible so when it happens it is difficult to face. A few weeks ago my dad told me I should go into these situations and not avoid them. I just said you cannot understand. It's like you said unless you are going through this nobody can understand. It is a constant battle with your feelings. You did very well in the situation.

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to Schnitzel84

Thank you ❤️ Yes I’m avoiding a lot of social situations, the pandemic has been a great way to avoid situations but things have changed now and it’s more difficult.. I’d love to enjoy spending time being sociable but I’m full of anxiety just thinking about it. I need to find an infertility group in my local area I think! xx

Koala365 profile image
Koala365 in reply to Schnitzel84

Totally agree that avoiding such situations is helpful but not always possible. On my second day back at work after my miscarriage two girls came up to me to tell me how with great excitement that one of our colleagues had announced she was pregnant and you could see her little bump etc, two other people stood right by my desk discussing the exciting news that someone else called Rebecca was apparently pregnant and then someone else insisted on showing me pictures of her baby grandson 😒 I decided to work from home the next day!!!

Schnitzel84 profile image
Schnitzel84 in reply to Koala365

I think I would have got up and left. It's so difficult and if people don't know it's not easy cause they don't know to be sensitive. When people show me baby pictures I just don't show any interest and I am not bothered about what they think. I am really not interested in their photos especially when it's some people who know what I am going through that show them to me. Some people just don't think! Unfortunately we have to face these situations daily. I think it gets a bit better with time. Hopefully our day will come. We are starting our 7th cycle soon and I am doing PRP before that. I also had a miscarriage last year. So unfair! The longer our journey gets the more I am loosing hope but we will see.

I can totally understand and sympathise. I've lost count of the times i've felt the way you did. I got married in May 2016 and there were people at my wedding who weren't even in a relationship at the time and they had a baby before us! It was such a joke! I got sick with all the pregnancy announcements on Facebook and i dreaded going out with people. I have a baby now but my mmc,failed fets and general ivf agony have left their mark.

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to gianna83

Yes I truly think this experience has completely changed me as a person.. I think a lot of us will have PTSD, there must be a path to healing but I’m sure it will be a long one x x

I’m the same, when friends have announced their news I have broke into tears and said was over joyed which I was but the tears was me been heartbroken for my self. It’s worse when people says oh you can have some of my partners super sperm….. really in sensitive but people just don’t realise and that’s a comment made when it’s actually myself who had infertility. I don’t think I could have gone to any more baby showers, or see another person pregnant it was sole destroying even one day in the clinic waiting for an appointment on my own and staff were all celebrating in a side room someone announced there pregnancy who worked there but I had tears rolling down my face and then I thought get a grip people have to work at these places and have families themselves but at the time it really hurt. The journey is incredibly hard, I never thought I would be writing on here having a baby after 4 attempts I never really like to say in these groups that we’ve been successful I know it gives people hope but I think it’s depends how feeling how you receive hearing success stories that in itself it’s hard in ivf. .it was our last go and that’s because I couldn’t possibly take any more emotionally or physically. It was successful in lockdown which was a whole different experience in itself with challenges right through to baby coming and husband only allowed certain visiting times.

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to Sirius_star

That must’ve been really difficult, just another challenge to deal with in the IVF and infertility process! I’ve been encouraged to talk to friends and family which I have to a certain extent, but now it’s all they ever ask me about. It’s like I can’t escape from it.. Just want it to be over with and be successful or accept that it’s just not in the plan for me xx

Sirius_star profile image
Sirius_star in reply to Char2383

Talking is good it’s just really difficult because every time treatment starts you think not telling anyone this time but then you want some people to know so you can talk and they understand why your emotions are all over the place then the two week wait and after all the treatment impacts every single part of your life it’s just so hard. I hope you get there, be kind to yourself xxxxxx

I totally understand your pain. Our friends went through ivf the same time as us, they got pregnant first time, we didn’t. I avoid going into our village for fear of bumping into them. I think you did so well holding it together with your neighbours. Unless you’ve been through this no one understands the pain or the enormity of the process. Stay strong, please don’t lose hope x x

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to Babymagic37

Thank you ❤️ I think I’m at a low point as I’m having a break between treatments, the shift in hormones isn’t helping, or the uncertainty.. Thank you for your encouragement though it really helps x x

I totally relate and understand your pain. I send lots of hugs. I’m not sure what else we can do but vent, cry and grieve.

My husbands friend and her husband dropped by last weekend at the last minute to see us… we haven’t seen them in 3 years… it was to tell us that she’s pregnant with twins! To add insult to injury she told us that it had been a difficult time… implying IVF… my husband and I have been TTC for 9 years… failed IVF… constant pregnancy announcements during this time and all of our siblings have several children each…

I know it’s so flipping hard, but stay strong and be kind to yourself xx

It really is so hard, you just feel like you’re being punished! You must be pretty resilient after 9 years TTC.. I really hope you get your baby soon lovely, I’m amazed how many responses I’ve had to this thread which is good and bad in a way, such an invisible disease.. Take care x x

It’s really hard! I have developed resilience but every now and then a pregnancy announcement kicks me in the gut and sends me into a downward spiral for a bit and then I pick myself up, what else can you do! I do have to catch myself from being bitter as I did have a long stage of where I became very bitter about others but thankfully I managed to get past that!

Thank you so much for your kindness, in my heart I will never give up but after all this time and with me now approaching 40 my head now says otherwise…. Wishing you the very best xx

Thank you again ❤️ It’s nearly impossible not to have the ‘biological clock’ problem at the forefront. It’s very easy to read things online and think it won’t happen to you.. but I know at least 3 women who’ve had babies into their 40’s. Please don’t give up yet if your heart desires it, and thank you again for your support, I’m sending you exactly the same back, we can both do this xxx

It’s just brutal, as we are all grieving something we’ve never had. I’ve really struggled with a girl at work being pregnant. I read something recently which has helped me; when you see a pregnant woman (when not driving!), close your eyes and wish them a healthy pregnancy. It can make you cry with emotion but it’s almost a good feeling, giving out positivity & praying our time will come. Wish you all the luck x

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to Milly2021

Thank you Milly ❤️ Same to you x x

I've lost count of the times I've felt this way, with family and friends, hearing the news that you desperately want to be you. Then the guilt when you're in tears wishing it was you, feeling selfish for having these thoughts and feelings of resentment. Comparing yourself why then and not me. You're not alone chick. I really wish that you get your day to tell yoir news you've been so desperately waiting to tell, like me and all of us on here. Stay strong 💪 ✨ 💓 xxxx

Thank you lovely ❤️ Yes I needed to pick myself off the floor today! Really appreciate you taking time to read and reply, it motivated me.. I went for a jog and listened to a podcast not about infertility so small steps forward! That’s all we can do.. Take care x x

I completely get it! Had years of it where people you knew were casually announcing news and a partner at the time who was an insensitive git!

Now I’m back feeling the same when couples announce their news. I really want to do it all again because it’s awesome and nobody understands.

You can distance yourself politely from couple s who are expecting so you feel shielded from it.

Rant on here because we all get it. ❤️

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to Goldenegg1

Thank you ❤️ You’ve given me strength and made me feel less alone in all of this. Sending you strength too xxx

It’s understandable and honestly everyone one of going thru this journey felt like this multiple instances. Everyone one of my friends who said they were trying or planning either had one or two babies in my entire 5 yrs of infertility looking Bck I hv completed 5 IUI and 3 ivf cycles still can’t fulfill my dream . Sorry this agony is totally relatable

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to Babyhope8

I’m sorry to hear you can empathise with me, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I’ve realised today that all these feelings are valid and there’s no point in ignoring it, you almost have to face it head on to get past it. Emotions are things that pass through you, you have to acknowledge and feel the pain to get past it.. sending you loads of love and hope xxx

Completely feel your pain. It’s like a punch in the gut that no one can understand unless they’ve been there. We’re in a lose lose situation, you’re bitter if you avoid it, if you face it you hurt yourself. I’ve just turned 40, and it’s like I’ve known deep down inside that I was on a stop watch. Now I’ve finally met someone who wants kids and I can’t do it. I’m waiting to have my first round of ivf, but I’m not hopeful. I feel my relationship isn’t strong enough now, arguing about our situation constantly, frustrations bubbling over, how the fuck will it be strong enough to withstand ivf?! We probably won’t. But he can walk at any point and probably go get any random pregnant, I’m bitter, intensely bitter about the situation.

So I hear you, and I sympathise and you should know you’re not alone. You just do what you need to do to preserve yourself from going crazy, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Big hugs x

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to COH1981

Massive hugs to you too, you might be feeling the doubt in your relationship from the uncertainty of your situation.. chances are if you asked your partner right now they’d say that YOU are what’s important and they want to do this with you and no one else. If they can’t say that then maybe it’s not right. I’m sending you loads of strength going forward with this. It can happen for you given time, stay strong xxx

This happened to me last week and for the first time both me and my husband too felt like we could cry but we held it together and smiled and said how great the news was. Like you, we are happy for them but it brought up lots of sadness for ourselves over failed attempts. All I can say is that our time will come (whatever that looks like) and whilst its hard we have to take a big deep breath and just keep moving forward. I understand how you feel and wish you all the best for your journey xxx

Char2383 profile image
Char2383 in reply to Milly_Oz

Thank you Milly ❤️ If only we could take the uncertainty away.. even if someone could say it will work.. but you’ve got another 2 years to go! That would almost make it easier? Maybe it wouldn’t… I don’t know, this is my problem! I keep trying to find a solution and I can’t…! I’ve got to take my mind off it somehow… Today I’m going to bake a cake and wrap presents for my partners birthday. Have a lovely Sunday and I’m wishing you all the best too xxx

It’s so so hard isn’t it? A few months ago I’d gone to the city for a scan to check I was ovulating before my 11th transfer. Afterwards I thought I’d cheer myself up and have a look around the shops before heading home. In the space of 30 mins, 2 of my close friends called me to tell me they’re pregnant, one accidentally!! When I managed to get off the phone, I sat down on a bench, with hundreds of people around me and cried, and I mean really cried! People around must have thought I’d found out someone had died! Sometimes you just have to let it out or it will burst out of you when you least expect it!

Aww honestly I felt that when I read your message! I’m so sorry you had to go through that.. I did the exact same thing yesterday but on a beautiful sunny morning in a park… Everyone around me was so joyful and carefree, I just sat in the grass and cried (bawled) I keep thinking I’ll see other women just walking around crying and know that they’re going through infertility! I’ve done a lot of crying this weekend so I’m hoping the emotions are almost through me so I can start building up again.. sending you a massive hug and all the best wishes xxx

It’s definitely a process. At first I used to try and hold it together but after a few failed transfers, I was a wreck and I just let it all out. Always healthier to just feel what you’re feeling and don’t feel guilty about it. I always found after the failed transfer, it took me a while to feel anything (maybe I was in denial?), maybe 4 or 5 days and then when the progesterone started to dip towards getting my period, the emotions would come with it. By the time my period was over I always felt 100 times better!

Keep going, the next one could be the one! 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Sending virtual hugs your way, like all these lovely ladies I can relate to this so much, it scares me that this could be me my whole life after multiple failed cycles and hope fading. And we are the only people who can understand this. So vent and let fellow IVF warriors rant away with you. Sending you all the baby dust in the world xx

Thank you so much ❤️ It massively helps connecting with all of you strong women out there, this thread has got me through a really painful weekend and I’m feeling a bit better because of your comments, wishing you all the luck in the world too x x x

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