I'm really struggling with not being able to conceive and starting counselling next week. How do you cope? It's so hard finding enjoyment in anything, as all I want to do is have a child and be a mum. I have no interest in socialising, exercising or doing anything that would usually bring me happiness. Luckily work keeps me busy 9-5 on weekdays but I find evenings and weekends really hard where I'm lonely and depressed. I end up just going to bed early to waste the days away.
I feel I can't keep living like this, it's wasting years of my life being depressed and miserable. I don't like to socialise as everyone else is moving on with their lives and want to be surrounded by positive/happy people rather than someone who's depressed and doom & gloom. Most of the family know about our fertility struggle as I told my mum who told other family members, and I've ended up crying when asked the baby question so I've had to let others know. People knowing doesn't really help, as although they know why I'm depressed, they don't change their behaviour so they still talk about the subject which hurts.
I feel my life is on hold where I can't plan anything in advance i.e. holidays as you can't fly after you're so many weeks pregnant, and will be unwell in the first trimenster, my career is impacted where I want to qualify for maternity leave and pay, I can't drink, consume caffeine, use hot tubs, do strenuous exercise etc. I'm just so fed up of it all and want it to be over.
Just had to get this off my chest xx
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CoralCats
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I'm sorry you're finding this so hard. I think we all have our bad times but it sounds like you're quite depressed so I'm glad you're going to counseling.
I think you just have to live your life as best you can and don't let infertility stop you as if you put off nice holidays etc it will make you more miserable. My counsellor told me you have to focus on other things that make you happy and not make every action in your life about improving fertility etc. Do some things just to make yourself happy.
If you feel your current friendship group is focusing on families etc try and gravitate towards others who aren't focused on that. As going out is such a big distraction and makes me happy.
But keep coming on here and chatting to ladies in a similar position as that also helps x
I have bad days and worse days. I've been especially down this weekend. I went for a meal with my family this weekend, and my sister has a 6 month old. I ended up getting upset so I just feel like I ruin days out and put a downer on everything. Seeing my family gets me out the house but I think it'd be best I didn't go.
Sorry you've been through a lot. You'll be a great mum but life's so cruel xx
Many of the feelings you’re feeling is normal for someone trying to conceive. It took me three years, a laparoscopy, a MRI, going on levothyroxine and bromocriptine drugs, 6 months of clomid and finally IVF with ICSI to get my little baby. Once it happens you’ll forget about it all!
I notice you’re currently trying clomid, and haven’t done ivf yet. If you’re worried about ivf please don’t be!! It’s nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be and obviously worked well for us, and would hopefully work well for you with PCOS. You have a diagnosis and that’s great - there will definitely be options for you to try. I know time seems to drag at the moment but it will pass.
Id say book the holidays, have a few drinks & a bit of caffeine just don’t go crazy binge drinking!! You only really need to completely stop all that if you get pregnant- the odd glass of wine and cup of coffee / Coca Cola won’t do any harm at all!
As for the holiday - book it, what’s the worst that can happen? You get pregnant & have to cancel - that’s the most amazing reason to have to cancel a holiday ever and I’m sure you’d be so ecstatic about being pregnant you wouldn’t care about the holiday! Xx
Iam so sorry you are enduring the fertility journey. I know how hard it is and the trauma that it causes. It's really good that you're getting counselling! Good for you in recognising that you want things to change! 🤗🤗🤗🤗
4 years of trying here. I get it. It feels like a crazy time warp you're caught in while waiting to progress to the next stage as others around you all have kids with no problem 😑 I had the waking up at 3am with panic attacks and then the crushing grief of getting older without having the bfp. It's so so hard and people who haven't experienced the journey...they really don't understand. They simply can't.
We did live in hope and made a lot if our big decisions with babies in mind. Bought the big house, went travelling (until covid hit) and drank coffee and the very occasional glass of wine. I fell pregnant naturally after our first IVF cycle which included 3 transfers failed. I was eating and drinking lots of comfort food because I was angry, upset and so so impatient to start the next cycle. I didn't even realise I was pregnant until 6 weeks and only took the test to rule it out as the reason for a delayed period and second IVF cycle! Imagine my shock and then the terror (rather than joy). Yep... trauma at its finest. I still can't enjoy it or believe that everything is ok. I'm 20 weeks today. 🤦♀️
So my advice is to get the counselling, accept that this journey is a brutal marathon that ALWAYS takes SO much longer than you want or expect...and try to find some little joys and things that make you happy. If you want to move house...move. If you want to travel...then travel...if you want to start making new friends then join meet up groups! Nothing says that you can't move forward in other ways while you are trying for the bfp! It only feels like you're stuck because that big area of life you really want is on pause. I understand.
What you're feeling is normal and ok. It is also ok to look forward and to have the sneaky cup of coffee or champers at a party. It took me 2 years to appreciate this so I get the deprivation you're putting yourself through. And yes...it does start up in earnest once you are in the thick of IVF treatments! So really try to enjoy the little moments in between. We had binge weekends when I had my period! I'd drink caffeine and have a cider with takeout! It made me forget for an evening. Please see if you can find small ways to break up the "waiting for the bfp" 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 Best wishes and good luck!! Xxx
Thank you for your message, that's really helpful xx
Hi CoralCats, I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s so unbelievable tough to go through and I’ve had moments even I’m like what is the point in this! I’ve worked hard in a corporate career for this Mat pay which might not even come etc too!
But you need to take some breaks. You can drink, have some caffeine and go in hot tubs! I understand you want to go everything to help yourself out as much as possible. Go on holiday or just take a break for a few weeks and allow yourself to live a little. It will help you out mentality & stress is such a major factor too.
It’s so hard but it sounds like you need a break. I’ve been trying for years and had failed ivf etc. But have a few weeks- months off “trying” you need to treat yourself and be kind to yourself again. Do what makes you happy for a bit. Xx
I feel like taking a break is wasting more time and a miracle could happen one of those months, but I've been told there's practically zero change of conceiving naturally so it's false hope anyway :( xx
I know I found it infuriating people telling me to take a break! But having some booze etc & a holiday doesn’t meet you’re still not trying. Are you going to try and go through IVF or have you already? Taking breaks is more for survival… otherwise it just takes a huge toll. Xx
I'm currently in a trial where I'm taking either Clomid or Letrozole with Metformin or a placebo. I don't think I have the mental strength to go through IVF as I'm struggling so much as it is xx
Hey, I'm also really struggling with infertility and how it just takes over everything. I've found the Instagram community really helpful during my really low points. Knowing you're not alone and having other women and men sharing their difficult moments is the best kind of support network. I'm @TTCPCD on there if you do join 💗
Thank you. I've taken a look at your instagram and can resonate with a lot of your posts. I keep off of social media as even with infertility tags there are pregnancy/baby pics that I just can't deal with. It's easier to shut off from the world otherwise I see friends and families enjoying their lives and moving forward when I'm stuck in the same place xx
Hey, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. The truth is I’m exactly the same, I think most people who are going through this will have been at some point. It’s so hard to stay positive and keep going, but you’re doing everything you can and that’s enough. I hope the counselling is helpful and hopefully you can feel a little better soon ❤️ Sending you lots of love xx
Thank you for posting this it really resonated with me, I felt like I was writing it. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in these feelings. I can feel myself totally withdrawing from life and friends becoming angry and cyclical and my entire life I’ve been so bubbly and positive. Life truly does feel on hold. I don’t have any words of wisdom as in the same space but just want you to know I understand, and we are more resilient than most to go through this roller coaster ride. Xx
Hi CoralCats. I’m really sorry that you’re feeling so bad & you are doing the right thing by going to counselling. I go through spells of feeling like this also and it’s hard to move your mind on to other things - so you’re not alone in how you feel. During those times I just want to crawl under my duvet and sleep but usually I force myself to stick on some music or a podcast and go off walking…seems to help me. Do you have any hobbies or interests etc? At times I feel like researching about infertility is my hobby & that’s when I know I have to take a break from it all and walk away from my screen!
I’m glad your job keeps you busy and it’s good you are open with friends and family. I’ve just started being a bit more open to a few friends. However, it doesn’t really click and people don’t really ‘get it’ and that’s okay but it’s also incredibly lonely.
Can I ask where you are just now on your fertility journey presently? I should be starting IVF in January. Whilst I’m hopeful for the IVF, I also try to be realistic, to protect my heart..
We didn’t ask for this bulls***! And it isn’t how it should be! Sending you love, hugs and reminding you are not alone xxxx
I used to have hobbies, I used to read, go for hikes, go on bike rides, play puzzles etc. but I can't bring myself to do any activities or exercise which I know would make me feel better. It's a vicious circle. All I want to do is laze and mope around.
I feel the same. Even though I've told family they don't get it. They also don't try to understand i.e. by doing research so they do and say the right thing. Every time I see them they say so & so is pregnant/has had a baby, baby this baby that! They don't think of our feelings before they say and do things. I also don't like pulling them up on it as I avoid confrontation.
I'm currently in a clinical trial for PCOS where I'm taking Clomid or Letrozole with Metformin or a placebo. I'm not sure I have the mental capacity to go through IVF but I'm taking one step at a time xx
I hear you about family as I get the same! So & so is pregnant etc - it really hurts. My parents don’t understand but they are of another generation. I also think they are in denial about the whole situation too and they think IVF will be the magic pill that’ll sort everything…I second the people who have said to you to keep busy, keeping making plans, goals etc. Keep going! Take care xxxx
Haha yes my family are the same. They're in denial about everything and won't accept that fertility treatment might not work and we'll never have kids, even when I give them the stats xx
I pray that one day in the near future you will hold your baby and also have more as you wish.
The depression is real. After the death of my 2 year old it took a while. Years. It's good that you are expressing your hurt. These feelings are normal.
What treatment have they done and if you do t mind what is the confirmed diagnosis?
I'm so sorry about the death of your baby. I can't imagine what you've gone through. Struggling to conceive is awful but I can't imagine losing a baby, it's heartbreaking.
I have PCOS and low AMH for my age. I'm currently in a clinical trial for PCOS where I'm taking Clomid or Letrozole with Metformin or a placebo. I don't have high hopes as I sometimes ovulate anyway so I'm not sure how these medications will help. I just don't think it'll ever work for us and part of me wants to go back on the pill, take antidepressants and try to move on with my life. Everyone tells me not to give up and if I really want a baby I won't. I want a baby more than anything in the world but mentally I can't cope with this torture xx
You are not alone CoralCats, despite what social media would have us all believe... It hurts like hell and I can tell you're feeling really low. But remember the way you're feeling now is temporary. Our 'temporary' might be years of on and off treatments but there will be an end point and hopefully a happy ending. So hang in there and take all of the great advice so many people have given you in the meantime. It's so brilliant and brave of you to start counselling, it means you're taking control and that you have the will to get out of this dark place you're in. Good luck at your first appointment. Keep in touch with us all on here xx
You have found your "tribe" here. We all understand that longing to be a mother. I'm sure we have all found ourselves avoiding social media, friends and even family members at one point or another in order to avoid hearing of another pregnancy or birth.
I know I have found myself looking at future plans and thinking "well I might be pregnant by then" and then it comes around and still no pregnancy. It is hard and it hurts and it is really crappy.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, hopefully the counselling will help and you are able to find enjoyment again. Take care x
Thank you. Yes, I do the same thing and plan my life around having kids by a certain date and then it doesn't happen and I've missed so much in the meantime. It's so tough xx
I can really relate to your post. I’ve withdrawn myself from several situations where I just can’t cope. My SIL recently had her 3rd & unplanned child. I have to keep my distance as my anxiety has gone stratospheric with her situation way too close for comfort. I feel trapped and bound by my own emotions as I now can’t go to any family functions as she’ll be there.I’ve stayed away from friends with little ones and gravitated more towards my single friends, or friends with older children.
With regards to exercise, I find that for me it is generally it is a baby free safe space. The grps I run with have plenty of blokes in so the topic of fertility is left far behind and for a few hours a week I get to be ‘normal’ and part of the pack.
Don’t forget you are still you. You are coping with loss and trying to maintain composure month after month of disappointment. It’s tough. I have found a fertility counsellor really helpful to guide me through. As we all know there is no quick fix but you need to be able to live your life and find a way to smile again. Wishing you some light relief from this darkness xx
I feel exactly the same way, my sister fell pregnant and she was the first out of the 4 of us, so my parents were having their first grandchild. It was so hard going to gender reveals and at Christmas. I've tried to continue seeing them as much as possible but some days it's too hard xx
It is so overwhelming and noone else seems to understand. Every decision I make in life is about having a baby but yet I havent got one. I wont leave my job for fear of losing maternity leave, I have delayed treatment on medical conditions (as every month I hope to be pregnant), in the past Ibhave been unable to fly to favourite holiday destination for fear of Zika virus, the list goes on.
I am exhausted by it all. I just had an unsuccessful embryo transfer in May and have been trying to get my body into the best shape to try again. I have also started CBT as my emotions have been severely affected, I havebt noticed a difference yet, but I am only on session 2.
So sorry about your unsuccessful transfer. I hope CBT helps you cope xx
I feel the same, every decision I make is impacted by having a baby. Zika virus was something I thought of recently which will prevent us going to a number of countries, when we can fly again that is! Also the Covid vaccine, I decided to have the vaccine even though I was still TTC. I thought the chance of conceiving is pretty much zero, but I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity of having the vaccine, fall pregnant and then have the anxiety of catching it! Even though they're not clear on how long the vaccine lasts and if boosters are needed! xx
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