Balancing anxiety and hope - how do you cope?

[CarlottaD27]

I've just had a negative test following my third round of a medicated cycle (before moving to IVF shortly)

Naturally I feel deflated, but i feel particularly sad this cycle as I allowed myself to feel hopeful. Following a chemical prgnancy last cycle, this cycle I was optimistic I may concieve and found my mood was generally better. The previous cycles TTC I was hopeless, depressed and anxious, convinced it would never happen and unable to engage propoerly in life.

I'm stuggling now as it seems both mindsets have their cons - when I expect the worst i'm depressed all the time, but when I get hopeful, the disappointment of a negative tests hits so much harder.

I know the "ideal" mindset would be to not ride these highs and lows so much and recognise there is a middle ground between the best and worst outcomes, but that's easier said than done!

How much hope do you let yourself have? How do you break away from these mindsets? I'm aware there are many people on here who have been on much longer and tougher journeys than me xxx

[Positive20]

Hi Carlotta I’m so sorry to hear about your failed attempt. I can definitely relate to your story - we had multiple failed attempts at IVF and a miscarriage in the middle of it.

I found for me it was better to just not get my hopes up, assume it’s going to fail every-time, this is just what worked for me. When it failed I wasn’t disappointed the same because I fully expected it.

Unfortunately it’s a case of finding the best way of coping for you, I use to buy myself something nice when it failed every-time like booking a holiday, or cheaper things like going out for a meal. That worked for me too. Xx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Positive20]

Thank you for sharing that - I do like that idea of a pick me up as i need to find enjoyment in something right now! It is tough living assuming disappoitment but it I get that it's a protective mechanism x

[Positive20 in reply to CarlottaD27]

Yes definitely, one time when we decided it was our last attempt (it wasn’t I did one final more that worked successfully) I went straight online and booked a holiday, another time we were going on holiday and I booked a more expensive hotel than we planned because I felt like I deserved it. Another time I bought myself some gym equipment at home (I workout at home so this was a treat for me). Another time I have planned a nice day out doing something with my husband to cheer us up. What ever makes you feel a little bit better just do as a pick me up. I remember another time we just had a movie night with drinks and snacks (as obviously I hadn’t been drinking) with some of my favourite sparkling beverage. Hope this helps you with some ideas for yourself and fingers crossed you may not even need any of these if your next attempt is successful! Xx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Positive20]

Oh a nice holiday to the Maldives would cheer me up right now, but not sure my Partner would appreciate the extra expense! I think I will order those earrings i've wanted for a while today... I'm please you got through it all and had a success I need to keep going!

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Carlotta. So sorry to hear your round of IUI failed, and hope you have plenty of support just now. I would reassure you that even though you are moving on to IVF much will have been learned about you during the IUI cycles. If not already had, enquire about a hysteroscopy and having your Fallopian tubes checked. My thoughts of course, but I feel they are important ones. I wish you well knowing the ladies here will support you fully. Diane

[CarlottaD27 in reply to DianeArnold]

hi Diane. Thank you very much for the reply!

I actually have had a chemical pregnancy before and the clinic told me that should mean I don’t need to have tubes checked, however i understand there could still be a problem with one ! Do you think it’s still worth pushing for? Thank you again for the advice

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK in reply to CarlottaD27]

Hi. Following any type of miscarriage, there is the possibility of blockage occurring from debris remaining. Should this happen it can prevent excess lubrication leaking naturally into the pelvic area to be broken down. Excess could only then leak into the womb, where it is widely believed it can prevent a developing embryo from implanting. Diane

[CarlottaD27 in reply to DianeArnold]

Thank you for explaining that. Wow I wasn’t aware of that after the chemical and it really is worrying. I will ask about this.

[Positive20]

Good luck Carlotta and thank you for the lovely well wishes regarding my pregnancy! Keep going! Xx

[Celet2]

Dear CarlottaI can totally relate to your post about highs and lows and balancing anxiety and hope. I think about this a lot so don't worry you're not alone. I think everyone is different and we just have to sort of do what comes naturally to us to a certain extent and then also react to what works and doesn't from previous cycles/rounds. I think it's quite draining and tiring to try and change how you're feeling all the time cos it's such an effort so I try and go with whatever mood I'm in and let myself feel those emotions that day. I completely agree with treating yourself like the others say, definitely some great tips there. We've just done our first round which ended in a freeze all due to OHSS so waiting for FET now. I found not thinking ahead too much really helpful so I didn't get disappointed and also like letting yourselves both feel that hope and excitement sometimes but also being realistic that whilst we have hope and we'll get there eventually it might take a while so we're in it for the long run.

Dno if any of that helps and sorry for the long post but sending you hugs and positive vibes. Take care X

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Celet2]

Thank you so much for the detailed reply!

You’re right that so much of this is beyond our control - it’s not like we can chose what will happen or totally control how we feel.

I like your approach of taking it day by day and I’m trying to find a few nice small things to do over the weekend each day. I also don’t want to give up hope so like you, I’d like to be hopeful we will get a baby one dau, but I’m now preparing myself for more treatments and being realistic is it might take a while.

I expect you weren’t fully expecting a freeze all so that in itself brings new situations and feeling to adjust to. I hope the upcoming frozen transfers go well - there’s lots of success stories so maybe all you need it a bit of luck! it’s so random and lots beyond our control x

[Celet2 in reply to CarlottaD27]

No worries at all. Yeah so much is out of our control which is so difficult to accept and it can be so frustrating at times. I think with time and trying to adopt good, healthy strategies to protect our mental health we can somehow manage to get used to/accept the situation we're in and try and move forwards. Like when I look back at when we found out we'd need ivf it was so so devastating and upsetting (and the whole thing still is at times) but we've had to get used to the fact that's just the way we'll have to have kids and that raw pain isn't there now. We have no idea what our fertility 'journeys' will be like, nothing ever seems straight forwards but I definitely think having hope and being excited can be positive cos ultimately that's why we're all doing what we're doing. Best of luck going forwards x

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Celet2]

Thank you. Best of luck to you too as you’re definitely getting closer and closer!

I am trying now to be hopeful - but in a long term way recognising I will need to be patient each cycle as it won’t necessarily be the outcome I want x