To tell or not to tell? That is the question πŸ€”

Hi ladies, im just wondering what the general thing was for telling parents/family etc. How others find this... This is our first cycle of IVF and we've made the decision to not tell our parents yet (probably until after the treatment to see how its gone). We've told literally a couple of very close friends and do feel a little bad however, after weighing up what we would gain from it as opposed to not, i think the main thing is, we couldnt cope with the concerned questions, any sadness, dissapointment/sympathy and also them treading on egg shells around us when my DH has a 4month old niece and I have a SIL due to give birth in August... Are we the only ones in this boat or does anyone else feel the same?

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  • Hey. I completely understand how you are feeling. I told my sister and parents. My hubby says he hasn't told his mum but I know he has. I sometimes wish I never told my mum because she does ask some questions that come across as insensitive because I don't think she fully understands the whole process. Also I know she worries about it a lot which does bother me. However, whenever I am feeling down, she is the first person I call because she knows what is going on. We have chosen not to tell our friends though.

    I think as long as you have a shoulder to cry on because this process requires that at times then you will be fine.

    Best wishes. X

  • We've told both sets of parents and my sis and hubby's brother. There are a handful of close friends we have told too. Having said that the only people who know specific dates are my parents and sister. We don't want the pressure of "sympathetic faces" or everyone literally knowing the potential date of "conception"... so we're treating it like normal and if I ever get a BFP would wait until 3 months to tell most people xx

  • I think it's personal and what you feel you need. First time round we told parents and close friends which was a huge support, but equally exhausting when I had to update all the time. Saying that they were extremely kind and well meaning.

    I was very evasive about the date of ET as I was adamant I didn't want everyone texting me or waiting for a call at the end of the 2ww. That worked brilliantly as I knew the result a while before they thought I knew so I could adjust.

    Second time around I will tell one friend and that's it. In a bit more battered and cynical by it all, but equally I know what to expect roughly. I just want privacy and no fuss so will do it without the cheerleaders. I do hope they are not offended if there's a need they find out.

    Good luck with your cycle xx

  • Hello 1Boo, it is also my first round and like you we have decided not to tell family, as had done previously with pregnancies to then miscarry and although we asked family to keep the pregnancy news quiet out of excitment they all told someone which them resulted in them having to be told about my miscarriages. This really affected me as people I hardly knew had been told about something so personal and made comments when they saw me which is how I found out. This led to a few family rows and although they were deeply sorry and did it out of excitement it could not be taken back. They are aware that we will be having ivf but I have asked them all not to ask us any questions unless we tell them. After all, in a normal situation your family wouldn't be ringing you asking you in the equivalent of your 2ww after ovulation if you were pregnant. So we've told family we not saying anything as want to try and keep the whole process as normal as possible. Plus if it was successful i'd want to get to 12wks before telling people. Work and two close friends who I trust are the only people I have told xx

  • Hi there. We told close friends and family but family don't have too much info as I don't want them getting emotionally invested. Even though they will be. I wouldn't have been able to keep it all a secret with all the hospital appointments and the jabs etc but if depends on your own relationships. If you feel more comfortable keeping it to yourselves then do that but the added pressure of keeping a secret may be just as bad as telling them. Plus they could be a a amazing support system for you. Best of luck x x x

  • This is true. My boss could have had support on hand daily if only she'd been open with me. I found out by accident and it was so hard keeping it from her daughter (who I look after). Naturally my boss had no idea that I'd had ivf myself (egg donor), otherwise she may have confided. It is a very personal thing though xx

  • Hi 1boo ...tell or not to tell ...well is depend how much love and support u need from your friends and family. I had my IVF last year and we decided with hubby not to tell anyone ..not friends and family... Was hard in one way to keep that but when I look back I'm happy we didn't say because we end up with BPN . It was so hard when didn't work we was devastated I cry for days we felt like we both push each other away needed to deal with that my and his way. Take us few months till he was able to talk very open about it what should we do next. We done it ...there is no secrets feeling between we talk about anything and everything . Sometimes I think if we tell everyone then Healing process would may last bit longer ... Now we stronger and hopefully end of the June beginning July we gonna start ours second IVF cycle πŸ˜ƒ This is my story ...but think what is best for u and how much u need everyone around ...xx

  • Hi 1Boo Im also just starting my first round of IVF too and we decided not to tell our families because we didn't want them worrying and fretting about us which we felt would add to the pressure (especially OH's folks who are lovely but can sometimes be a bit full on!). We haven't told any local friends, just a couple of my mates who live far away so I have someone to contact if I feel I need to chat about it. I feel bad not telling our families and as its getting closer it would be easier if they knew what we were going through so we may change our minds. Ultimately it depends on whether you feel that it would help you if people knew or not. You need to do whatever's right for you and your OH as you need to look after yourselves emotionally. When there are others close to you having babies it might be good if they were aware generally what's happening with you so they can be sensitive but just do whatever feels right. Good luck with your journey, sprinkling baby dust for us all! ☘☘☘ x

  • Thankyou for your different perspective on things ladies... Its just reassuring to know and feel that we're not bad people for not telling our families. Luckily the good friends we have told are there for us every step of the way but dont ask too many questions, they just listen to us and go from there so we do have the emotional support there... Plus we are thankful that the NHS offer 6 free counselling sessions which we have had 1 so far and she was brilliant, my DH thought she was great and helped him too. Its easier for us I guess because we live quite far away from our parents, so its also something that we dont just want to drop into conversation on the phone.

    Thankyou again and good luck to us all for sure πŸ™πŸ» πŸ€πŸ€πŸ€ xxx

  • We are the same as you and have not told many people, certainly not my parents. They would only worry!

    I told my sisters and best friend and my boss but that's it


  • I think it's up to the individual couple to do what's right for them. We didn't tell anyone as we felt it would put too much pressure on us (as if it's not stressful enough) as people would naturally ask questions and how it was all going etc. I don't think on OTD I could have coped with having to tell people the outcome if it wasn't successful.

    Best of luck x

  • It really is nice to know that we're not alone... I have to say being able to ask questions and have the support of each other on here is also a massive help 😌 πŸ€Xx

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