Help please ladies. How do I cope?

[L400ynd]

Hi ladies.

Those of you who are aware of our story know we made the heartbreaking decision to stop trying. After 3 failed rounds my body and mind can’t take anymore.

However I’m struggling to come to terms with it. I know it’s the right decision but it’s so hard.

My best friend (since I was 10) was also going through ivf with his wife. They started a few weeks after me and they are pregnant. I’m absolutely delighted for them. They so deserve it and will be wonderful parents. However I burst out crying after I read it. Like proper sobbing 😭. I phoned my sister and she did help. I don’t want to feel like this. I’m not angry, I’m not jealous. It’s just so unfair. What did I do wrong? Why am I not allowed to be a mum? It’s horrendous.

My sister in law is due my niece next Friday as well and it’s so overwhelming.

Please help. Xxx

[muststayhopeful]

Oh I’m so so sorry. I really feel for you. Have you tried some counselling? Do you plan on exploring any other options to have a family?

I think it’s really important not to beat yourself up for feeling like this. Your reaction is COMPLETELY natural, you aren’t a horrible person. Allow yourself to feel these things then try and do something to distract yourself. I always try and do this when I’m feeling the same.

Go distract yourself with something you love. Sending you lots of hugs xxxxxx

[L400ynd in reply to muststayhopeful]

Thank you lovely. I actually had my first counselling session on Wednesday past and it did help. She validated my feelings, discussed adoption options and recommended Jody days book which I started last night. My sister brought my niece to see me and that helped as well. Her wee face brings me endless joy. Our wee miracle (she is ivf as well) I guess I just need to focus on the food in my life. Easier said than done at times when you are mid meltdown. So thankful for all you ladies. ❤️❤️ Xxx

[Hidden]

EURGH I hate that you are in this situation. You know I have had a few ups and downs along the way and no happy ending yet, and my younger sister has just had her second and I spent the morning buying nipple cream for her surrounded by mums and babies whilst on day one of my period knowing that I am still childless and likely to be forever so I TOTALLY get what you are feeling.

I can't remember if I shared this with you before or not but I read a really really good book called Living the Life Unexpected by Jody Day. I actually didnt finish it in the end but it really helped me realise that pregnancy/motherhood wasn't this elite club that I was the only one that wasn't part of it.. and actually there are loads of women probably loads you know but you havent thought about who don't have children and not all because 'they didnt want them, In fact I think its about 1 in 5 women now don't have children and over half of those is not because they didnt want them but because they couldn't (biologically or failed TTC or situational like no partner etc). I know its weird but even that tiny fact made me start feeling a bit better about things. And there are LOADS of facts like that in the book.

The other thing I did was sign up to NHS Talking Therapies. I thought I needed to grieve and I wasn't able to.. I am not sure it helped me grieve but it helped me reconcile my feelings and I realised I was feeling a lot of guilt about everything including feeling angry.. and actually that was a perfectly acceptable outcome in fact everything I was feeling was normal and it even had names for several of the scenarios I described.

I also sort of took control of my life more. So for example I never was hugely overweight but IVF put some weight on me.. so I started a diet and started couch to 5k and other exercise and it gave me something I could control for the first time in ages, and I started to feel better about myself and found exercise gave me an opportunity to whack loud upbeat music on and thrash out all my emotions of that day.. and then one day I realised I couldn't be as selfish I was being if I did have kids, and I would lose that me time to an extent and all of a sudden I had one 'positive' of not having children.. which sounds weird but in the beginning I didnt have any positives.

As you know we are stop starting with donor but not sure how long that will go on for. I am not going to lie its probably taken me about a year, but I am definitely getting more reconciled with not having children, and seeing some positives on the horizon - not there yet I am not sure I ever will be, but I think its a grieving process and then realising that it might not be the life you want, there is an alternative and it can be as good.

PM me if you want lovely, I am sure a lot of what you are feeling I have felt too so very happy for you to rant.

Huge hugs (sorry for essay!) xxxxxx

[L400ynd in reply to Hidden]

You have no idea how helpful that was. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ You’ve been such a help to me over the years and I pray that you get to realise your dream of being mum cos I know you would be bloody awesome at it. However if you don’t, it sounds like you are in a better place to cope with it and I’m hopeful I will be in that place in the time to come. I started reading that book yesterday. I ordered it that day you told me about it but hadn’t started it until my counsellor asked if I had heard of it and I said it’s in my drawer. 🙈. Thank you so much. Xxxxxx

[Millbanks]

Hi lovely, I'm sorry that you feel so sad about your decision. I can imagine how hard it must be to decide to stop. But I think you absolutely need to do what's right for your body and mind - as you say. I imagine we all have a cut off point where we just cannot take any more so I really do feel for you. Extra hard with your friend's wife being pregnant - I find that the hardest thing about going through all this.... Like you say - very happy for them but sad for you. I think that will get easier as time goes on though. I'm hoping you are in a happy relationship which will flourish as you get to spend more time together. My husband and I decided that if we decide to call it quits with IVF we'd book a big trip - something we've always wanted to do - so we have something to look forward to and then try to embrace our child free life...Have you considered other options or is this it for you? There is also a book called "Living the life unexpected" which I've heard others on here refer to when they've decided not to continue.

Sending lots of love to you - look after each other xxx

[L400ynd in reply to Millbanks]

Thank you sweetie. I appreciate your support. ❤️❤️ Yes we made the decision (with some heartbreak) that adoption wasn’t for us.

I’m so lucky that I have an amazing husband and I focus on that in the good days. It’s days like today that I just wish I could have given him a child cos he would have been such an amazing dad. My niece dotes on him and it’s so wonderful to see them together and I wonder what it would have been like if we had one.

We have booked an amazing holiday for later on in the year. Staying in a place we always wanted to but didn’t just incase we needed the money for mat leave. I also bought myself a brand new car that doesn’t have loads of boot space. 😂😂 kept holding off incase I needed a family sized car.

I’m very lucky and I do hold on to that. Thank you for reminding me to look at that on the down days as well. Xxx

[Millbanks in reply to L400ynd]

I can understand that - adoption is definitely not for everyone. You know, I'm sure your husband feels the same, it's not you alone that couldn't provide a child - and you've been through so so much to try. You should be so proud of yourselves as it's such a difficult journey.

Your holiday sounds perfect - and a sweet ass car too! I know it's easy to distract in the short term, and it's maybe further down the line that it may be hard - but you have each other and you'll fill your lives with other amazing things

xxx

[Endwarrior]

I totally relate to you .. I’m in 2WW with my 3rd try and i can feel already it didn’t work i have spent the last two days crying and asking myself why? Am i not worthy of being a mother and trying my very best to cope with the fact that i will never be .. just allow urself to feel , be angry , sad , hurt these are normal feelings we get and failing in little things hurt how come if we are failing in our fertility journey .. it’s ten times harder ... but time heals and we are strong and worthy of everything life has to offer us even if kids are not part of it .. sending you a big hug💕

[L400ynd in reply to Endwarrior]

Oh please don’t give up hope just yet sweetie. I know you know your body but it’s not over until test day. Sending you lots of love and hugs. Xxxx