I feel like this is a pointless post as friends’ pregnancy announcements are unavoidable so there is no advice that will change the pain of them. However, if anyone has a magic formula for dealing with this, please do let me know!!
I’ve had three IVF cycles (2 fresh, 1 frozen), all of which have resulted in early miscarriages. Since starting my IVF journey, almost all my close friends have announced they are pregnant (2 of which were also going through IVF and had first time success). My last remaining close friend who has no children has just told me she is 10 weeks pregnant. I don’t know why this has knocked me for six as I was kind of anticipating it. I just hate the fact that I can no longer talk to any friend without having to ask them about their pregnancy.
My friend (who just told me) is super paranoid as she is a little older. All the info I’d told her about fertility throughout my journey clearly freaked her out. She has been asking me for months about egg quality and age etc. Now she’s pregnant and is sending me long messages saying how worried she is because ‘I’d know all about the things that could go wrong’. Yes I do because, for me, they did go wrong. I don’t want to now have to spend my energy propping her up. She’s 10 weeks pregnant, she conceived naturally, she eats unhealthily and smokes like a chimney (or did, I assume that’s now stopped)...yet her pregnancy is progressing and, no matter what I do, I can’t maintain a pregnancy beyond 5 weeks. I mentally cannot cope with having to reassure her but I also don’t want to be a bad friend. You can tell that I am obviously bitter but I do an excellent job of appearing genuinely happy for my friends when they tell me they’re pregnant. I don’t want them to know the true pain of what I’ve been through and how hard it is to muster up the energy to appear happy for them.
I’m angry at myself as I felt I’d turned a corner recently. I’d come to terms with many of the pregnancy announcements and even managed to Zoom a couple of close friends who are now heavily pregnant. I was doing really well but now feel like I’m back to square one.
Anyway, the rant has helped (sorry!). Trying to make people who have conceived with no problems understand the pain of IVF failure/pregnancy loss is just impossible. If they haven’t been through it, they’ll never need to understand. What makes me really angry is that I feel my miscarriages have caused some of my friends to ‘get a move on’ sooner; they genuinely freaked out as they all assumed they’d get pregnant easily (turns out, they were right) and couldn’t understand why things weren’t working for me. Meanwhile, I’m 3 miscarriages down and £35k out of pocket. But hey, at least my experience gave them some valuable fertility knowledge, eh? 🙄
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anz07
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This really resonated with me and I want you to know that you are truly not alone even if right now may feel like it.
You were right no one understands unless they have been on the end of a struggle. Funny thing for me was I only get truly upset by the people who found it easy. If I know the person struggled I never feel as sad because I know some of what they went through to get there.
Wont say it gets easier as it doesn’t I cried at a tv programme tonight because it had a baby that was left behind and I want a baby badly like all of us do. The one mantra I have is “I want my baby not theirs”(whoever is pregnant).
I have learnt to be honest though and am now upfront with ppl close to me. Someone announced a pregnancy at work recently and as yet I haven’t spoken to them but I have to people around me so that they understand why I dont stay for the long conversations when they are around etc. Whether they told her or not I don’t know or care I have to protect myself but I refuse to steal their joy because I am suffering and they don’t know because I haven’t shared my story. It is ok to protect yourself if needed and it is ok to tell them if you want to just as it is ok not to share with them.
I have lost friendships because of pregnancies I had an ugly situation with an old work colleague that turned a whole building against me because I chose to protect myself and she chose to believe the gossips.
It is hard. The hardest thing. I have never been pregnant in 4 1/2 years and it’s devastating knowing your body doesn’t do what it’s meant to and failing you every month. Getting older and knowing that things are only getting worse.
Without this group of people at the end of a phone I wouldn’t have got through. Knowing that the miracles do and can happen to those people and seeing them get them helps me know that I still have hope. I had a friend text me on Sunday because she knew the day would be hard for me. Their are ppl who understand. We are hear please feel free to reach out if you need to
Thank you Kelly, your reply has really helped. It's such a shame that other people's joy can have such an impact on our own wellbeing. A horrible feeling as it makes us feel guilty for being sad!
To be fair, my other pregnant friends have been pretty good. One in particular has been very sensitive to my situation. She didn't tell me she was pregnant until she was almost six months because she didn't want to upset me. She hasn't shown me any of her scans and she never talks about her pregnancy unless I directly ask her. You can't fault friends like that.
However, my friend who just told me she was 10 weeks pregnant yesterday said she hasn't told anyone else other than her parents. I don't know why the F she thinks disclosing it to me is a good idea - of all people! She is super anxious about miscarrying and was texting me all evening saying that 'she can't imagine what I've been through' as she is 'so worried about miscarrying'. She also said she's suffering from very bad nausea and that she feels her pregnancy experience so far has been 'so unfair'. Hearing comments like this really don't help my mental state. How am I meant to console a friend who is 'scared of miscarrying' but has not miscarried and, I hope, will not go on to miscarry. Why would she turn to me to help counsel her through the 'fear of the what if'? I think she genuinely believes that, because of my experience, I will be sympathetic to her anxiety. She can't see that I'm struggling to find any sympathy for her at all as her situation is so far removed from mine.
It also makes it difficult that my partner doesn't understand why I'm so upset. Sometimes my family don't either. They tell me that I need to 'focus on my own journey' and, of course, they are right. I just wish one of them would understand that my feelings are justified and it would be more helpful for them to say 'do you know what? This is really shit, I'm sorry that you're going through this' instead of 'don't start feeling upset again, focus on your own journey, not theirs'. The latter line really doesn't help me much.
Anyway, thank you so much for your response. I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost friendships because of this journey. I wish more people would understand the heartbreak of it all. I think I'm all out of non-pregnant friends now, yesterday was the last one! That said, there are some colleagues, alongside my little sister, who could also announce pregnancy so I'm sure I won't be getting any rest bite!! xxx
Do all your friends know each other? If so, it could be that you gently direct her to someone else to help yourself heal...
Some people are very aware of how others feel and sadly some are not and just don’t get it.
I had 3 ppl announce pregnancies at the same time but I reacted very different to all of them.
1 I was fine with she never rubbed it in my face. She would suffer with her symptoms but would still come to work. She powered through.
No2 I couldn’t be in the same room as she was very young and to stay with didn’t want the baby claimed it was ruining her life her parents weren’t pleased etc so you can hopefully understand my reactions.
No3, this one hurt the most as she was the person I was closest to. She believed the gossips. The same gossips who all bitched to me about her. She threw every symptom in my face. I knew she was pregnant before she announced it. I protected my self by not being around her and she claimed I was being antisocial and was not communicating with my team. She blamed me and says I forced her to announce her pregnancy early. She was so wrapped up in herself and thankfully I can see that now. As I definitely couldn’t then. She had long lung bouts of absence due to sickness and just pregnancy related stuff and as the next most qualified person I had to dii ok her share of the work as well as my own and supervise the apprentice. She turned everyone in the building against me even though they had all complained about her at some point.
Sadly there are just some ugly souled ppl in the world.
In my opinion you shouldn’t put yourself in a position that will make you hurt more. That is easy for me to say I have come out the other side and did lose friends to the point where I had none and can’t trust ppl anymore because of the fear of getting hurt or back stabbed. Slowly you understand that you need ppl and connection.
Don’t do something that is going to hurt you because of their feelings. If they are true true friends they will understand that you can’t do it and when your ready you will go back. I work with kids and part of my reason for leaving was I couldn’t want her more ppl have the one thing I can’t. I know work in a school and although still kids I’m not with toddlers like I was where I get too emotionally attached.
I have learnt though through my career that my caring is not a weakness but a strength as I know that so many kids don’t always have that at home.
I waffled again 🤦🏼♀️ sorry 😞
Sadly we will never be able to avoid it but over time you do get better at handling it. I normally hold it together until I’m by myself then I fall apart that’s just my coping mechanism.
I use my kids as therapy 😂
Always here if you want someone to vent to. I hope somewhere in here was something useful 🤦🏼♀️🙈
Not a pointless question at all! I think anyone who has been through the hurdles of trying to (and failing to) conceive have felt the exact same way as you. Pregnancy announcements trigger all kinds of emotions and yes, sometimes it hurts and sometimes it makes us angry. It sounds like you have had tough things to deal with. I had 1 miscarriage and struggled to come to terms with it - still haven’t really... But 3! I hope you don’t mind me saying this but have you considered changing clinics?
I went through 2 unsuccessful cycles at a clinic and had horrible side effects and produced poor quality eggs. The professor after the second negative test told me it had been a successful cycle! I stopped him half way his sentence and shut him off saying I couldn’t believe he would say that. This was the last time I set foot there. I changed clinics and was successful on the first round with very few side effects. It’s worth keeping that in mind.
As for your friend, I think it’s fine if you tell her that you have a lot to deal with as it is without having to take on her worries. If she is a good friend she’ll understand.
Big hugs and good luck for the rest of your journey to motherhood.
I’m so sorry to read this. Sending you a huge hug.
I am in a similar boat (6 failed cycles 3MC a number of chemicals from ivf and natural conception) and now been told I will never have children with my own eggs
It’s taken me six months of reading books, webinars, counselling etc to get myself in a slightly less messy space which is perfect timing as my sister is about to have her second
However a friend who miscarried at the same time as my last one in August had just ‘got pregnant by accident again’ and like your friend it all seems to be going swimmingly and she seems to want to analyse everything with me
I have distanced myself from her. Told her I need to. I think she thinks I am selfish but she was only thinking about herself and we have plenty of friends she can talk to who have had children
I said I would be back when in a better headspace. I figure it’s time to protect myself ... if she’s there when I come back great .. if she’s not then actually she wasn’t that great a friend after all
I’ve learnt recently you can’t be a martyr in this situation and keep going.. in the end you will collapse. Look after yourself because no one else is going to xx
Oh darling! Honestly I think everyone on here has been through the same thing (me included) it’s so difficult because you want to be happy for them and you are but just makes u realise it’s not working for you and you’ll wonder if it’ll ever happen and they’re happy so they want to talk about being pregnant but it’s like they forget the struggles you’re going through for what they have.
I’ve never even been pregnant so I understand you, we all do here.
I wish u all the best and if u need to rant do it on here. We’re all here to listen and help if we can.
This is the best place to rant about this so let it all out! I have not been in your exact situation but I got into a similar dark place last year when my friends with young kids were all struggling with having them at home during the pandemic, and every single conversation was about nothing but how annoying their kids were. All of our group chats were continual sympathy for each other about how hard having kids was and how much they loved wine right now (I am the only one without kids and have essentially given up alcohol). In the end I completely broke down talking to my best friend and once we had gone through all of my loopiness she promised not to talk about the kids unless it was something funny, which is a lot of the time as her kids are hilarious but it was then positive rather than negative.
It really helped to actually explain why it was so hard to hear people bitching about their kids - while it may seem obvious not to complain about something that someone else so desperately wants in front of them, I think in this instance it really needs to be spelled out. Maybe because fertile people just assume IVF will be successful eventually so it's a case of waiting rather than being fearful it may never work and seeing it as impatience rather than grief.
If you can talk candidly to your friends about why they need to be a little more considerate about the place you are in right now it might help. It would be a sad way to lose friends and we need support from trusted friends now more than ever in this wretched pandemic. xx
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! Thank you for being honest and vulnerable and sharing in this way. Your feelings resonate with me too. It's so hard! I sometimes wonder how we even manage to get out of bed in the mornings, it feels like a miracle! There are really strong responses here and I totally agree with the others - you must look after yourself in the first place! As women we c tend to be caring and nurturing and often take on other people's issues. But at this point with all those losses and experiences it's important to say no for the sake of actual self-preservation! I know it feels like it goes against our nature, but if we can't support ourselves we won't be able to support others. I don't have an amazing strategy for this, but I think honesty is your best bet. Saying congratulations and all the best but at the same time let them know you're having a really hard time now and need to look after yourself. It's strange how it can be so difficult to look out for ourselves, I find it very hard myself. My mum has recently discussed with me her family problems and I just had to say that I'm sorry about the issues, but I simply can't cope with any more stress at this point. Wishing you all the best - be strong and keep talking with us - we're here! xx
Its not a pointless question at all. Unfortunately friends who've never been through unsuccessful IVF will never understand however, I'm surprised those of your friends who have been successful still feel its okay to discuss certain things with you. I remember waking up one morning to seeing a message in a group chat flashing 'its a girl'. My heart began palpating and I froze because I knew one of them (already having 3 children) was trying for her 4th so every message she sent I freaked out. I opened the message expecting to see a scan pic and it was a pic of their new dog! Phew. She'd also make insensitive comments about giving up because 'it's just so hard isn't it? I just didn't have the energy to respomd. Don't get me wrong she's generally supportive but sometimes she misses the mark. I've had another friend joke that I can have her children, she immediately realised it was in bad taste and apologies. Most of them have supported me knowing I can't attend certain gatherings and my reasons for being withdrawn.
Several friends kept asking how it was going and it was difficult having to explain every nuance of the treatment so o just told them of there's any news I'll let you know but please stop asking as I find it stressful.
I think with your friends boundaries need to be established, everyone is at different stages of trying for a family and if they're true friends they'll understand of you needs to distance yourself from certain discussion topics or gatherings.
I've had to distance myself from friends and my younger sister who got pregnant.
You need to for your own sanity because it's important now more than every, if someone or somethings is affecting you be vocal about it.
Please know that were all here to support you, please don't feel you're ever alone in this xxx
Aww Anz. I feel you ! It just breaks my heart how insensitive people are. I went through this last year with many pregnancies around me and we like u didnt go further than 6.5 weeks.
My way out was to be ‘extra busy’ so i didnt have to be involved in every twinge although there were days i couldnt excape from it. Those babies are born now and i dont have any jealousy or anything towards them. I dont want them to be my baby or anything. The HARDEST PART was the actual pregnancy. Concentrate on your relationship lovely. We will get out if the pandemic and we will be able to do nice things again. Focus on your own path and journey. You are your own best friend ❤️ you got this !
I feel like I can relate so well to your post. So sorry first of all for everything you’ve experienced.
I’m due to start my first cycle of IVF in May and it’s been a long 3 years getting to this point with no sniff of a BFP in that time. I’m the only one of all my friends to not get pregnant, even though I was probably one of the first to start trying. That has been so painful, and as others have said I want so desperately to be happy with them and share in their joy but my heart breaks for me and my husband. One of my closest friends got pregnant naturally within a couple of months, sadly the baby was poorly and did not make it and that has been extremely hard for her. I have been there for her since, nightly telephone calls and texts. I wouldn’t change that but I feel absolutely exhausted. I feel like a terrible friend even saying that but for months now all she can talk about is trying again and is very upset that it hasn’t worked again straight away. I know I can’t relate to losing a baby, I can’t imagine that pain. But I have no strength left to hold myself up at this point let alone anyone else. That guilt weighs on you more than you can imagine.
Sorry for the rambling, I guess what I wanted to get at is that you are not alone. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️ xx
Thank you for your reply! I'm so sorry to hear of everything you have been through. The situation with your friend sounds like a nightmare. I can completely understand your frustration and pain in having to deal with it.
One of my 'close friends' who told me she was pregnant a couple of months back said that she conceived 'really easily' and that her sister-in-law (who miscarried) is jealous of that fact. Why she would say that to me with all my struggles, I have no idea!! People say some very strange things and it's clear that there is a complete insensitivity to those struggling with infertility. The worst part is, I feel that if I say something, even in the nicest possible way, friends can easily turn and suddenly I'm labelled as the 'insensitive' one. Absolutely ridiculous (and highly irritating!) but it seems to be the way it is.
The best thing I've found to help me is distance. Easier said than done (although lockdown has certainly helped!). I try to leave extra time between texting pregnant friends back now as this gives me a bit of breathing space. I also try to text during the week when I'm more easily distracted with work instead of the weekend when I'm trying to relax and spend time with my partner.
Please do look after yourself. The little emotional energy you have (and I have) should not be spent on friends; particularly when they are not experiencing the same journey as us. I hope things get better for you soon - I'm with you in the struggle xxxx
You’re totally right, with every last thing that you’ve said. I couldn’t relate to it more if I tried. Same to you, I wish you all the luck in the world for your journey and definitely put yourself and your feelings first, they are totally valid. Lots of love xxx
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*sensitive* breaking the news to friends also struggling with infertility
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