How do you get past the fear of IVF failure to find hope?

[Belangalo]

I just got my BFN and it feels like I've taken a huge step backwards. After a Chemical on my first fresh round and now a negative on my first FET...I am feeling a bit down. 😔

I know that nothing is guaranteed and that IVF is giving hubby and I a chance at parenthood...but IVF is the big guns, the biggest and most expensive solution, the end game ...and I'm feeling like I'm flunking it!

For me, getting a negative on a FET is NOTHING like getting a negative on a pregnancy test after trying to conceive naturally. It's horribly disheartening to know an embryo was in my womb and that nothing happened...that I can't seem to do what so many others have happen naturally.

I know I will keep going and that I'll find my spark again 😏 But right now I am scared. Scared of what the next FET brings or what the next egg collection will be. I had so much hope starting this process but that sort of hope means the disappointment and the fear of failure is that much sharper. How do you find a good balance? I don't want to be the mopey or sad wife that adds to the stress of IVF! 😅

[Hidden]

Hey lovely. Im so sorry for your difficult journey so far. I felt like this too after my last transfer. I dont think anything can help at the beginning if a failure. U will have 1000 doubts and insecurity BUT reading other positive stories here really helps. Some girls had many many transfers to get their baby. Some had luck first time around. Youtube also has some journeys in which couples share their difficult journeys. What im trying to say is take your time to grief and i am sure you will find the hope and confidence again to keep going. One foot in front the other. Small steps and hopefully we all get our rainbow babies xx

[Belangalo in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your kind words Mimisami! You're right! It is just one foot in front of the other! I want to do my best to get my rainbow baby so I have no choice but to keep going! 😅 I'm on the second day of my cycle and already gearing up for my last FET this month. Next month will hopeful result in a BFP! Otherwise it's an egg collection and I'll be throwing another new car at our fertility journey 😅

I tell you...these are the MOST EXPENSIVE lottery tickets I've ever bought in my life! 18k for a chance to win! 😅 And I'm going to keep doing it as long as I can 😆

[Hidden in reply to Belangalo]

Thats the spirit! You are an inspiration!!! Go girl go! Xxx

[Millbanks]

Hello lovely, I think most people on here can relate to your post! I went in to IVF thinking "why wouldn't it work" and now I have more days when I feel like "why would it work".... this journey tests you! Strangely I think the further down the IVF road you go, the easier it gets (although I'm not sure everyone would agree with me) but I've definitely learned to manage my expectations / deal better with delays / understand the processes and learn what tests can be done to help get to the end goal. Getting a BFN after you KNOW that you have an embryo inside your uterus is so hard - so many questions.... but there are a lot of answers, it just takes time.

As Hidden says, for some people it works first time and for others it takes rounds and rounds. I try to be open minded about it, accept that it may take time, and be as positive as possible. There are lots of little wins too - so try and take comfort from those too xx

[Belangalo in reply to Millbanks]

Thank you for reminding me of the small wins Millbanks. It's true, we keep getting closer! Hubby now actually has sperm instead of "blowing dust". The tests we did indicated we had a male rather than female fertility issue and our doctor told us that this was very positive for our journey since they could just make the embryos for us even if there was only a little bit of sperm. I think that my expectations going into IVF were that finally we actually had the ingredients for a baby, someone was going to make sure that egg and sperm actually met up and then an embryo was going to be placed into the safety of my womb... so it had to work! Now I'm having to realise that is not the case. That there is just so much more involved and that I can't do anything really except hope once that embryo gets where it is supposed to be. XXXX

[CharlieW1985]

Hi, just wanted to say that I totally get how you are feeling like this and I'm sure many women on here understand that feeling too.Being someone who's currently on her last cycle after a 3 cycle programme, I know what failing feels like. I honestly thought IVF would work for us on one or two goes but it clearly hasn't happened that way. It's equally frustrating knowing that there's an embryo or embryos in there and they aren't growing. I'm in my last 2WW and I'm scared stiff of it falling but I'm trying to keep busy with home schooling my step son and doing bits at home to stop me feeling like that.

I have more good days than bad but on bad days I just remind myself that I'm healthy, people love me for who I am and not whether I can fall pregnant or not. These positive thoughts keep me from going into downward spirals.

You will have your time, but you need to make sure you keep your lines of communication open between you and your hubby or partner. Bottling things up can cause downward spirals. Although they don't completely understand, talking to them when your down and having a big hug can make things feel just a little better. I do that with my hubby and he makes me feel better.

You most definitely are NOT a disappointment!

If you want to talk then feel free to message me

Xxx 🤗🤗xx

[Belangalo in reply to CharlieW1985]

Thanks Charlie and good luck to you! So so much babydust! xxxx I am talking to hubby and he is incredibly supportive. But I also know he is scared about how I will change if we eventually get the news that we are never, ever, going to have children. It terrifies him that I will become bitter and angry, and that our marriage will struggle. That worries me. I didn't think I was bitter about it. Scared that it may not happen and overwhelmed at the enormity of acknowledging that I may be too late to be a mommy - but not so bitter that I would forget him and all the good things that we have in our life together. So I think that I need to keep more upbeat about IVF, temper my expectations and perhaps find a counsellor to help me rather than unburdening my fears on my already worried husband! I need to be his support too! It can't be a one way street.

Thank you so much for your kindness. I will keep going and keep reminding myself that we are getting closer! xxxx

[CharlieW1985 in reply to Belangalo]

Your clinic may be able to help with finding an infertility counsellor. We have used one and it does help, they often give you so many free sessions before they start charging which is good. Hope this helps xx

[Hope_1234]

I can completely relate. Ive had 2 negative transfers and many cancelled cycles due to my uterus lining not being where it should be (I have my last frozen embryo waiting to be transferred next week and I am so nervous), about having to start everything again.. egg collection and the whole process ☹️

The only thing that gets me through is thinking each negative is a closer to a positive test ..and imagining the day I find out it's positive and how I'll be feeling

The whole process is scary 😥 and the unknown of whats going to happen next. But believe in your body and that you can do it..❤️❤️❤️

[Beatrix_K in reply to Hope_1234]

Well said Hope, your comment made me well up x

[XOXO13]

I hear you.

I’ve just had a second failed cycle (first FET after failed fresh) and the hope I once had is fading slightly.

I had my follow up consultation yesterday and my doctor said she’s confident it will work for us, it may just take us a few goes. I was honest and told her I’m losing hope but she told me to trust her when she says I’ll have a baby. And I have to, that’s all I have right now.

It is so exhausting, I find that with each of my failed rounds I’ve needed a few days for myself to heal - that includes eating what I want, having a drink and generally sleeping! And then I get a new plan in place for the next cycle and focus on that more than the past and what’s happened.

There’s so many hopeful stories on here, and I lean on them when I’m having a tough day.

Keep believing your journey will end with your baby in your arms, that’s what I tell myself 🤍💫 xx

[Belangalo in reply to XOXO13]

XOXO13, we're in the same sort of boat! LOL My doctor was so confident that it was going to happen for us soon. He said he would lay money on it since my levels and all my tests are coming back perfectly healthy. Everything in me is working exactly the way it should be and I have none of the issues that 90% of his clients have. Our embies had no fragmentation and we had a very low attrition rate. I had a chemical on my first fresh round and our only issue appeared to be hubby not producing enough sperm to make natural conception much of a possibility. So I guess I just have to keep going. Part of me wants more and more tests just to make sure that there isn't something that is being missed! But the doctor doesn't feel that any of it is necessary and that time and finding the right embie is all that we need to get pregnant. I suppose I have to trust that he knows exactly what should happen since he is the one with the experience! lol

Good luck and so much baby dust to you! I have had cancelled round too because transfer would have fallen on Christmas day and that is when they are closed! A month of not indulging in any of the Christmas spirits only to be told no transfer a few days before Christmas! lol Oh well, I did drink a lot of wine at that point until the next cycle started! xxxx

[Lots8788]

Sorry to hear you're feeling down and for your loss and its horrible when we lose our hope as often on this "journey" it is all we have. Kezia Okafor (a fertility counsellor) is doing a free live IG session at 4pm every day next week all about hope and trying to manage fear (e.g. the 'will it ever happen for me' horrible type fear) in case that helps. Big hugs to you and here if you want to chat xx

[Murielsmom]

Hi Belangalo, I'm sorry to read this, and while I have not had multiple rounds of IVF, I have had my fair share of disappointments and setbacks. The first thing I would say to you, is to be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way that you do, because what you are feeling is normal. It's so hard to stay upbeat in a process that is a true test of your resilience.

I spent 3 years trying to get pregnant (and 3 years prior trying to ensure that my womb wasn't butchered from multiple fibroid removal surgeries). I went through the dark days of miscarriages, constant BFNs, and trying every western, eastern, southern, northern medical treatment only to still be unsuccessful. It took a huge toll on my relationship, and I ended up breaking up with my partner last year. I honestly thought my journey was over. Thankfully he agreed to co-parent, as we still had frozen embryos and didn't want to destroy them.

After my breakup, I had a complete mental health breakdown. I found a therapist that I could work with, and I spent a lot of time talking things through with her. I was really angry and while my friends were supportive, unless you have gone through this journey, they can't understand what it feels like to have your body betray you over and over again. And they certainly can't understand what it feels like to question the very essence of your womanhood. Add a pandemic to the mix and well, the perfect storm. I found that therapy really helped me to get to a place of acceptance about my life, and the reality that at 41 years old, it may never happen for me. Facing that reality actually helped my mindset and I went into my last transfer cycle with gratitude that I was able to actually have it happen, but also accepting that it might not work. It's a very fine balance.

I share this because like many of the women on this forum, what you are feeling is understandable. Take a step back and give yourself a pat on the back for getting back up again, even after a setback. You fall 100 times, you get up 101 - that alone takes courage and is a victory in and of itself. Sending you lots of light and of course, if you want to talk please feel free to inbox me directly. This journey is a tough one, but you are stronger than you know. Just remember that you are not alone.