Friendship and loneliness in IVF: how do you stay connected?

[Minniemouse88]

Hello lovely ladies, I'm sure many of you will relate to the loneliness and disconnect that comes with IVF. I'm hoping you have some advice on how to rebuild connections and fight the feeling...

I'm realising I'm becoming quite a hermit these days. I don't reach out to friends anymore because they have young families and I'm afraid of hearing of another pregnancy. At the same time, I want to feel as though I belong; as though I'm part of something bigger than this IVF treatment.

I wonder, has anyone found a way to meet up with people or even make new friends?

I'm naturally an introvert and meeting new people (or even people I know well) drains me of energy - energy I don't have a lot of right now. I was thinking about joining a group or something (yoga?) so it's less about the talking and more doing.

Any tips or stories you have would be great.

Sending lots of love, good vibes and digital friendship 😘xxx

[Ranchu90]

I can totally relate to that but my question is, if you don't reach out to them are they reaching out to you to ask at least what happened that you are not meeting them as often as before?!?! Good friends will do that, so all the others you don't need them anymore as they don't really care about you! Regarding meeting new friends cannot really say anything about that. Make new friends but keep the old 😂😃. Stay positive my dear, IVF is indeed a lonliness journey but please remember you are not alone. ♥️🥰

[Minniemouse88 in reply to Ranchu90]

I see what you are saying about them not reaching out to me. I guess I was always the one who organised us meeting up. Thank you for responding. It has reminded me that I am not alone ❤️🙂

[Eggfreezer2015]

IVF is a hard and lonely journey within itself but the people in your life are still around. May be start with a call to one of them and see how you feel? If you’re up for meeting up suggest it and if not that’s ok. I think if you want social interaction without engaging too much as you suggested then doing something you enjoy like an activity could be a good idea and perhaps those more natural interactions will feel less draining or like hard work. You also have this forum where you can interact with others, so you’re never completely alone. Xx

[Minniemouse88 in reply to Eggfreezer2015]

Thank you, yes, little steps I think will work best for me. You are right, this forum is a great source of support and a different kind of friendship. Take care and thank you x

[Skittles11]

I so feel this! And it is no wonder our energy supplies are so low as we're facing a fertility battle and trying to maintain other aspects of our lives at the same time - work, relationships etc. It leaves me feeling totally wiped every day. Do any of your friends know about your treatment? Do you feel "safe" discussing things with any of them?

I remember sending a text to my closest friends (individually) after my miscarriage. I found writing it down enabled me to say what I wanted to say and also gave them time to take in the message and think about their reply. And over time I have felt more able to share more with these close friends about what I'm going through. But getting the conversation started can be tricky which is why I ask whether you feel able to share with one or two?

Xx

[Minniemouse88 in reply to Skittles11]

Thanks Skittles, yes texts feel a bit easier and I'll give this a go. Thank you - your replies always give me a little strength 🙂

[Skittles11 in reply to Minniemouse88]

That's a lovely thing to say and you're so welcome. Xx

[Rainbowretrieval]

Hey Minnie 👋 I can relate. I don’t speak to anyone other than my partner (and we don’t speak enough) about ivf. Only 2 friends know about an ectopic pregnancy I had recently but I don’t want them to know about future transfers as I feel it will put added pressure on me. This forum is the only place I speak honestly and openly about anything so I hope you don’t bottle up like I do x

[Minniemouse88 in reply to Rainbowretrieval]

I can relate to bottling up although when I'm on a progesterone mood swing I think I just tell people as it is! Take care and thank you x

[Tarasunny]

I absolutely relate to this. About 3 months ago I was going through a really tough time I said to my oldest friends that I had to take a step back as seeing them with their kids heart my heart (one of them is also pregnant). We don't see each other that often however since then not one of them has checked in to see if I'm ok . They don't know I've had 2 failed transfers since I last saw them. I know I could reach out and it was me who withdrew and that everyone has their own lives but if things were the other way round I would want to send a wee message just to see how they were getting on. I guess you find out who your real friends are at a time like this. It is a very lonely journey. Pm me if you ever want to chat.

[Skittles11 in reply to Tarasunny]

This is so sad to hear, I'm sorry your friends haven't been there for you 😢

[Minniemouse88 in reply to Tarasunny]

I'm also sorry you've not had support from friends. I think it is just so far removed from what some people experience it is hard for them to truly understand. I try to remember what I knew about IVF before all this started. It reminds me that it may just be that people don't know what to say or how to be. Hope you feel less lonely knowing we're all going through it xx

[CarlottaD27]

Hi

I don’t have any great advice but just wanted to say i feel COMPLETELY the same! You are not alone. I’m naturally introverted. Now with all my worries and energy focused on fertility treatment, i just don’t have it in me to reach out to others. And when i do talk with friends, it’s hard to truly connect because what’s really on my mind is fertility treatment and the small talk just feels pointless. I also realise it's not healthy as i'm becoming lonelier and lonelier and stuck with my negative thoughts.

I’m finding forums like this comforting. If anything, the relationships with the few people i speak to about this (mum, husband, sister, best friend) have got stronger, so that’s a comfort. I think in time i will let in more friends so that i feel less alone, but I don’t feel too comfortable sharing with friends with babies yet x

[Minniemouse88 in reply to CarlottaD27]

It's just nice to hear it's a normal feeling, so thank you. Yes, I hear you about the difficulty focusing on anything except IVF. I think we all become mini experts on the subject. I tested my husband the other day and he knows all the female hormones and what they do in the cycle 😆 That's how I've realised we really are deep in it!

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Minniemouse88]

That’s so true! As a default when I’m worried (which is pretty much all the time), I end up coming to this site or looking up statistics and scientific research. I definitely feel like an expert, I wish my husband took such an interest in it but he seems very detached! X

[Minniemouse88]

Just wanted to say thank you for all your kind replies and I'm glad it's opened a bit of discussion. I hope everyone is okay and hopefully feeling a little less alone xx

[Heichi26]

thanks so much for posting this; it’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. Reading your message and the replies has really helped .I’m on my third failed ICSI cycle and heart broken by recent BFN after fresh transfer of sole embryo. Being around other people is so tough, I’ve retreated into a bubble. My partner and dog are my world. I worry it’s not healthy but I don’t feel massively motivated to change it. Am feeling consumed by fertility journey but I don’t have energy for anything else. Am also an introvert so it plays to my natural leanings to hide on the sofa. Anyway, thanks for reminding me that I’m not the only one struggling with this, and actually maybe it’s ok to hermit, providing it’s what we need… it’s just hard to know what is self care and what is hiding from I teractions that could lift our spirits, isn’t it? That’s the struggle . Take care x

[Floraandfauna]

hey, I also turned into a bit of a hermit when we fist started ivf, to the point where I found lockdown a relief because at least I had a good excuse not to see friends with their babies! Then I made the decision to see more of the friends who weren’t having children, either because they’re single or just not wanting them, and temporarily cut out those that did. I knew this was a bit selfish but it was the right thing for me at the time. Over the years I’ve found it easier to see young families and brush off their complaints about ‘how hard it is to be a mother’ 🤨😂 but that came with time.

Also I don’t know how many times I’ve feigned illness and stayed at home just because I can’t be bothered to come up with an excuse as to why I wasn’t drinking!

Hope this helps x

[hoping2021]

This is an important thread. I emailed fertility network U.K. requesting supporting me setting up a local "walk and talk" for women with infertility local to my area, but this was not supported. I find this strange as tackling the social isolation that comes with infertility is really important. Just meeting others that understand would really be helpful surely? I’ve been on this journey for nearly decade and although I manage well now, in my younger years when everyone around me was pregnant a meet up/ walk and talk would have helped relieve my loneliness and isolation. Dianearnold1 are you able to raise this issue with the team?

[SVW86 in reply to hoping2021]

Love this idea, I am in!

[Elmo13 in reply to hoping2021]

I think this is a great idea.

[CarlottaD27 in reply to hoping2021]

Great idea re walk and talks!

[SVW86]

I feel so seen right now! I literally just joined this network today to see if anyone else had the same feelings!

My two best friends called me separately this weekend to let me know they are both pregnant, one didn’t know about my recent failed IVF round, and had it worked I would be due at the same as hers (the exact date in fact!) It is so hard to put on the brave face, and smile through your own pain. I realised this morning that the feeling is not jealousy at all, it’s the absolute heartache you experience during this process.

My instant reaction recently has been to retreat, as it feels too hard to relate or explain what I’m going through, but I have already felt like a hermit since starting our IVF journey a year ago, so it all just makes me feel like I have no one to talk to.

Sending so much love, and I hope this journey gets easier! I would love to join “walk and talk” too - I think this would be amazing for days like this! ❤️