Failed FET šŸ˜¢: I know it was ridiculous... - Fertility Network UK

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Failed FET šŸ˜¢

BetsyBo profile image
BetsyBo
ā€¢19 Replies

I know it was ridiculous to even think it would work first time for us but I did... and of course it didnā€™t.

Iā€™m devastated. My husband is devastated and now Iā€™m left wondering how long Iā€™m going to be on this journey. What if the next two FETs donā€™t work? Then what?!

It already feels like itā€™s been too long. After a few horrible years (some family bereavements) I thought we were due some good luck. How delusional.

It was a good quality embryo. I had a good lining, We are under 35 using own eggs/sperm. Iā€™ve had psychotherapy, reiki, Bowen, acupuncture, I meditate everyday, I stayed off work, I had a good diet, no caffeine, alcohol or stress. I feel like I did all I could and couldnā€™t do anymore but today I feel broken and that something is wrong with me.

I have four friends who have had multiple rounds of IVF and itā€™s never resulted in live births for them. One further friend was in the same boat but gave up. There just isnā€™t a lot of hope around me atm and Iā€™m struggling to pick myself up.

What do you do to help yourself when you feel like this?

How do you keep going?!

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BetsyBo
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19 Replies
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Cinderella5 profile image
Cinderella5

I'm so sorry to hear you got a negative! It's so hard to keep going. I'm not sure if have any magic formula to keep going apart from the fact I'm just not ready to walk away yet. I do think my positivity & hope is disappearing these days so I dont think the hype before the disappointment is maybe as bad...hmmm not sure if that's just what I tell myself. I'm just pushing through until I get to the end of these embryos but whilst there is still a chance and I have the strength to keep going that's where we are!! It takes time in between to muster the energy back up to try again so be kind to yourselves meantime. Sending hugs.xxx

Millbanks profile image
Millbanks

Iā€™m so sorry lovely. I was exactly the same. Iā€™ve heard a lot of others too who were in the ā€œfirst round bubbleā€ and were totally shocked when it didnā€™t work.

Firstly donā€™t blame yourself. Unfortunately itā€™s often a numbers game, no amount of high graded embryos, thick linings, good blood flow and excellent diets will help if the embryo wasnā€™t chromasomally normal and unfortunately about 50% arenā€™t.

So itā€™s quite possible that your next one will be šŸ¤žšŸ¼

It sounds naff but time is a great healer. Youā€™ll pick yourself up and if you feel itā€™s right to try again you will. Itā€™s difficult when you havenā€™t had many success stories around you but try not to focus on them, just focus on you. Take it one day at a time. Try to think of the nice things you can do between now and your next try.

Iā€™m the opposite in that ALL my friends have got pregnant first time trying which brings its own challenges, but I try to remember that weā€™re all different and I have to accept that my journey is harder...

Sending lots of love to you xxx

Ivfgotadream profile image
Ivfgotadream

Iā€™m sorry it didnā€™t work. It is incredibly hard - I know the clinics try and be realistic and honest when they give you what they think is the chance of success but you canā€™t help thinking youā€™ll be the lucky 40% etc And itā€™s devastating when you arenā€™t.

Everyone I cycled with had success first time too.

What you have to hold on to is that you still have some frozen which many people donā€™t end up with many spares per cycle so if IVF has a 30% success rate then over 3 transfers youā€™ve got a pretty good chance of being lucky on one of them

Iā€™m currently 5 weeks following 5 cycles and 4 transfers. We did a 3 cycle package this time which took some of the pressure off and banked blastocysts. I then chose to work ā€œbackwardsā€ leaving the best graded to transfer last. The ones I have on board currently mean I still have the ā€œbestā€ frozen and that has helped pyschologically as feel like if these donā€™t make it (Iā€™ve had 5 miscarriages and 2 ectopics) that weā€™ve still got a good chance left

HPLondon profile image
HPLondon

So sorry to hear this, itā€™s so so shit when it doesnā€™t work. I had some very dark days when I could just never see it working and wondered why we were bothering. As others have said, time is a healer and you will pick yourself up and try again.

To give you some hope, we had two failed FETā€™s (one embryo transferred followed by two - all ā€˜top qualityā€™) before having a successful round - and Iā€™m now 31 weeks pregnant. Took us five years to get to this point but weā€™re here.

Wishing you the best of luck with your next go, in the meantime be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve before jumping back in. Xx

Chel91 profile image
Chel91

So sorry lovely, it's awful news to get :( I felt exactly the same. Literally every stage of the way I thought I would be lucky and everything should be fine due to our health, age, etc. It really is like a punch to the gut when you have tried everything right.

All I can say is that everything is on your side, there's no reason it won't work next time. The odds do go up with more cycles. It's great you have leftover frozen embryos and it's a good chance some of those will be healthy. Thinking of you šŸ’• xx

franathy profile image
franathy

My first time didn't work either, it's horrible. The second time did! Even if everything is perfect there is still an element of luck. Sounds like everything is in your favour though which means you have a great chance for next time so don't give up xx

Buisquits profile image
Buisquits

Please do not blame yourself. You have done more than more people would to get pregnant. You are going through a very difficult time and there is always a need to blame somebody/ something. The truth is some things cannot be helped. You will get their and your dreams will be fulfilled. Have faith šŸ’–šŸ’–šŸ’–

Im so sorry Betsy . Its just a horrible feeling and nothing we say can cheer u up. Im so happy to read you have frozen embryos left and i hope you heal from this and will have your strength back. Please take your time to grief and overcome this together. Sending all my prayers xx

KiboXX profile image
KiboXX

Oh lovely, Iā€™m so sorry it didnā€™t work and itā€™s completely ok to feel devastated. Just wanted to say that itā€™s shit luck it didnā€™t work this time but there is every chance it will next time! Iā€™m really sorry your friends havenā€™t had much luck either, I can only imagine how they can play on your mind but just wanted to say that isnā€™t always the case! Like you Iā€™m in the under 35 category and was going through IVF around the same time as two close friends and all three of us have got there in the end, first time for one, second time for the other and fourth time for me.

Donā€™t give up, donā€™t lose hope, it will happen. Sending a big hug your way xxxx

ttcemmie profile image
ttcemmie

Oh nooooo. So so sorry to hear this. The amount of work and hope and emotions that go in to a round... It's just not fair. This is devastating and a grief that I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Here for you; thinking of you. There is nothing wrong with you and just because this round didn't work, doesn't mean a future one won't. But, I know that doesn't help right now. You are definitely due some good luck, but the universe isn't always kind. It is really difficult to keep going down this road, but it is just the desire for a baby that keeps us going. Don't feel like you need to do anything right away and give yourself time to pick yourself up from this awful time. xxxx

Hartley1 profile image
Hartley1

Its totally natural to feel like this. I was devastatedafter my first round and cried so hard and especially on my mum (Not like me)! Give it time...you will be ok for round 2 and 3...we gave it 6 months between rounds but everyone's different! Carry on concentrating on all the things you're doing...it all helps! Keep going don't lose hope xx We were on this journey from 2012 to 2020 and on our fourth round we finally got our BFP, married since 2009. Doesn't matter how long your journey is...hardest thing is forgetting other close friends journeys... as long as you want to...and can do it...Keep Trying...i liked Rebecca Fett's book - It starts with the egg...after my 3rd round I had nothing left and this book helped me focus on improving quality...plus 2ww wasn't enough time off for me, I was also lucky enough and took off 2-3 months to prep my body...Good Luck xxx

hifer profile image
hifer

This could have been me in Jan of this year and my heart goes out to you completely. The thing is you werenā€™t ridiculous to think it could work first time, because it does, for some very lucky people. I like you, did everything I could possibly think of, and more, to make it work and it failed which hit me like a tonne of bricks. Unfortunately the older I get, I just think IVF is a lucky numbers game and whether the sun, moon and stars are all aligned for you in that particular month! Itā€™s a miracle anyone gets pregnant at all!

Unlike you I donā€™t have any close friends around me going through IVF but those friends, for me, are on this forum and PLENTY of people do get pregnant. You just need to read those stories to make you realise it does work. Maybe donā€™t seek those out just at the mo when youā€™re so raw but they are there. I canā€™t promise it will happen for you obviously but until youā€™re ready to give up then there is def hope. Donā€™t worry that right now you may want to jack it all in and crawl into a hole with a crate of wine, Iā€™ve had this after failed/ cancelled transfer and every miscarriage but I promise you that that feeling goes away with time and you get back the hope and spring in your step to go again if you are ready. Thereā€™s nothing wrong with you I promise. Youā€™re doing everything you can.

Xx

Nikkinikkit profile image
Nikkinikkit

I am so sorry to hear this you must be feeling awful. It is very hard to keep going but in time you will want to try again, the thought of the positives having that little bundle far outweighs the negatives. We had been trying for 6 years, 3 full icsi cycles, first 2 bfn with nothing to freeze, the 3rd full cycle we got a bfp and 2 Frosties in October last year but ended in miscarriage due to blighted ovum just before Christmas so was absolutely heartbreaking and we decided we wouldnā€™t go back for the 2 Frosties and we were going straight for adoption because I couldnā€™t do it again. But after some time I just knew I had to get my last 2 Frosties in for closure I really didnā€™t think itā€™d work, we got both transferred and got bfp then not long after yet again another miscarriage (or so I thought) had a scan at the fertility clinic in Glasgow and there was one healthy baby measuring just over 8 weeks! Iā€™m now nearly 20 weeks pregnant and I still canā€™t believe it, still a long way to go but miracles do happen and youā€™ll have the strength to try again like I did and like a lot of other women going through this. Itā€™ll feel like the end but trust me it can happen at the right time šŸ„°šŸŒˆ just take time to recover from this and youā€™ll be strong to try again xxx

Seb1900 profile image
Seb1900

Hi

I am sorry your are going through this.I am in the same situation as you are. Our stories are exactly the same. I did everything right.

I had high hopes for first round. It was good quality, but it didnā€™t work I read some people success story on their first attempt and I was like 100% sure not only That it would be successful but would also be multiple pregnancy. How foolish of me.

When it came out negative I was devastated. I said no more . This was in March this year. Now I canā€™t wait for September to come as I will start my second round. It is natural for us to lose faith.

The struggles seems too much and the end seems far. But we will get there.

Please donā€™t beat yourself and donā€™t lose faith.

Better luck next time.

Corchi profile image
Corchi

So sorry your feeling so broken. I know the self doubt feeling and the Iā€™m not worth it or Iā€™m a failure but please try and shut out these noises and know you did everything you can. My only advice is maybe to do pgs on other embryos? I did from beginning and was one of the lucky ones first time doing IVF (mind your after 6 miscarriages) and am now 18 weeks pregnant. I just feel like pgs testing avoids so much heartache and ??? Marks.

Sending love and light and a big hug

Xxx

Anasimoes profile image
Anasimoes

Hi Betsy, same story here. My first transfer failed. We were super positive about it feels that life slapped us big time. We learned not to be so positive again about this as going for our second transfer tomorrow.

We are trying to chill about it. I actually had a couple of wine glasses this weekend as on the first transfer I became kind of ā€œfundamentalistā€ about all restrictions. I think, at least for me, this didnā€™t work because it is building in your mind that your chances of getting pregnant are much higher and unfortunately , at the end, it is really not depending on it. Obviously I will not have a zip of alcohol from now on but I will drink my morning coffee at least and relax.

We also started seriously thinking about adoption. It doesnā€™t mean we will stop trying but we always wanted more than 1 and since Iā€™m almost 37 this might make sense. My partner is a bit more skeptical but Im totally sure about it.

I still have faith. But if it doesnā€™t happen we will need to set up new goals, make a plan B. Donā€™t forget, life is precious and no matter what, it is important that you live happy. Sometimes you need to rethink your plans but this will make you stronger and wiser.

Sending you love and strength . You will get through this :)

InfertilityTeam profile image
InfertilityTeam

Hi there, this feels so familiar, we were in a very similar position a few years ago. Despite knowing our chances I was so hopeful it would work first time and I was utterly broken when it didnā€™t. Our embryos werenā€™t great quality, I had bad OHSS but I remember thinking at the time how it ā€œhad to workā€ because I was doing everything right. Unfortunately we had no embryos to freeze so the cycle was completely over and it felt so utterly final at the time.

It really knocked my confidence and took me a long time to pick myself up. I had counselling and that really helped me process my feelings as did a holiday with my partner it sounds crazy but it really helped us to get off the IVF merry go round for a week and to relax (current situation right now it may be a little harder to do that) Take time to grieve, only you will know if and when you are ready to go again.

I wish had more advice, you will feel stronger in time. Iā€™m so sorry it didnā€™t work.

BetsyBo profile image
BetsyBo

Hi everyone,

Iā€™ve been completely blown away by this community yet again. What a group of utterly beautiful souls you all are.

Iā€™m sorry itā€™s taken so long for me to reply but Iā€™ve been so so overwhelmed by everything. Your words, condolences, advice and empathy has helped me so much these past few days. I just want to say how very thankful I am to you all šŸ’›šŸ’›šŸ’›

Iā€™ve been told that my next FET may or may not go ahead with my next cycle due to capacity issues (great) so that just made me more determined to keep going.

Thanks again to you all.

Superstars šŸŒŸ

JustStarting1 profile image
JustStarting1

I'm so sorry to hear. I know how you feel.

My first FET has just failed aswell and the thought of having to start all those drugs again is difficult.

I do try to look at the positive and that I have 9 embryos in the freezer so I know I am so lucky compared to many...still makes it difficult though.

My doctor said each time it doesn't work the next one has a 5% extra chance itll work so I hope that's true. X

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