I know it was ridiculous to even think it would work first time for us but I did... and of course it didn’t.
I’m devastated. My husband is devastated and now I’m left wondering how long I’m going to be on this journey. What if the next two FETs don’t work? Then what?!
It already feels like it’s been too long. After a few horrible years (some family bereavements) I thought we were due some good luck. How delusional.
It was a good quality embryo. I had a good lining, We are under 35 using own eggs/sperm. I’ve had psychotherapy, reiki, Bowen, acupuncture, I meditate everyday, I stayed off work, I had a good diet, no caffeine, alcohol or stress. I feel like I did all I could and couldn’t do anymore but today I feel broken and that something is wrong with me.
I have four friends who have had multiple rounds of IVF and it’s never resulted in live births for them. One further friend was in the same boat but gave up. There just isn’t a lot of hope around me atm and I’m struggling to pick myself up.
What do you do to help yourself when you feel like this?
How do you keep going?!
Written by
BetsyBo
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I'm so sorry to hear you got a negative! It's so hard to keep going. I'm not sure if have any magic formula to keep going apart from the fact I'm just not ready to walk away yet. I do think my positivity & hope is disappearing these days so I dont think the hype before the disappointment is maybe as bad...hmmm not sure if that's just what I tell myself. I'm just pushing through until I get to the end of these embryos but whilst there is still a chance and I have the strength to keep going that's where we are!! It takes time in between to muster the energy back up to try again so be kind to yourselves meantime. Sending hugs.xxx
I’m so sorry lovely. I was exactly the same. I’ve heard a lot of others too who were in the “first round bubble” and were totally shocked when it didn’t work.
Firstly don’t blame yourself. Unfortunately it’s often a numbers game, no amount of high graded embryos, thick linings, good blood flow and excellent diets will help if the embryo wasn’t chromasomally normal and unfortunately about 50% aren’t.
So it’s quite possible that your next one will be 🤞🏼
It sounds naff but time is a great healer. You’ll pick yourself up and if you feel it’s right to try again you will. It’s difficult when you haven’t had many success stories around you but try not to focus on them, just focus on you. Take it one day at a time. Try to think of the nice things you can do between now and your next try.
I’m the opposite in that ALL my friends have got pregnant first time trying which brings its own challenges, but I try to remember that we’re all different and I have to accept that my journey is harder...
I’m sorry it didn’t work. It is incredibly hard - I know the clinics try and be realistic and honest when they give you what they think is the chance of success but you can’t help thinking you’ll be the lucky 40% etc And it’s devastating when you aren’t.
Everyone I cycled with had success first time too.
What you have to hold on to is that you still have some frozen which many people don’t end up with many spares per cycle so if IVF has a 30% success rate then over 3 transfers you’ve got a pretty good chance of being lucky on one of them
I’m currently 5 weeks following 5 cycles and 4 transfers. We did a 3 cycle package this time which took some of the pressure off and banked blastocysts. I then chose to work “backwards” leaving the best graded to transfer last. The ones I have on board currently mean I still have the “best” frozen and that has helped pyschologically as feel like if these don’t make it (I’ve had 5 miscarriages and 2 ectopics) that we’ve still got a good chance left
So sorry to hear this, it’s so so shit when it doesn’t work. I had some very dark days when I could just never see it working and wondered why we were bothering. As others have said, time is a healer and you will pick yourself up and try again.
To give you some hope, we had two failed FET’s (one embryo transferred followed by two - all ‘top quality’) before having a successful round - and I’m now 31 weeks pregnant. Took us five years to get to this point but we’re here.
Wishing you the best of luck with your next go, in the meantime be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve before jumping back in. Xx
So sorry lovely, it's awful news to get I felt exactly the same. Literally every stage of the way I thought I would be lucky and everything should be fine due to our health, age, etc. It really is like a punch to the gut when you have tried everything right.
All I can say is that everything is on your side, there's no reason it won't work next time. The odds do go up with more cycles. It's great you have leftover frozen embryos and it's a good chance some of those will be healthy. Thinking of you 💕 xx
My first time didn't work either, it's horrible. The second time did! Even if everything is perfect there is still an element of luck. Sounds like everything is in your favour though which means you have a great chance for next time so don't give up xx
Please do not blame yourself. You have done more than more people would to get pregnant. You are going through a very difficult time and there is always a need to blame somebody/ something. The truth is some things cannot be helped. You will get their and your dreams will be fulfilled. Have faith 💖💖💖
Im so sorry Betsy . Its just a horrible feeling and nothing we say can cheer u up. Im so happy to read you have frozen embryos left and i hope you heal from this and will have your strength back. Please take your time to grief and overcome this together. Sending all my prayers xx
Oh lovely, I’m so sorry it didn’t work and it’s completely ok to feel devastated. Just wanted to say that it’s shit luck it didn’t work this time but there is every chance it will next time! I’m really sorry your friends haven’t had much luck either, I can only imagine how they can play on your mind but just wanted to say that isn’t always the case! Like you I’m in the under 35 category and was going through IVF around the same time as two close friends and all three of us have got there in the end, first time for one, second time for the other and fourth time for me.
Don’t give up, don’t lose hope, it will happen. Sending a big hug your way xxxx
Oh nooooo. So so sorry to hear this. The amount of work and hope and emotions that go in to a round... It's just not fair. This is devastating and a grief that I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Here for you; thinking of you. There is nothing wrong with you and just because this round didn't work, doesn't mean a future one won't. But, I know that doesn't help right now. You are definitely due some good luck, but the universe isn't always kind. It is really difficult to keep going down this road, but it is just the desire for a baby that keeps us going. Don't feel like you need to do anything right away and give yourself time to pick yourself up from this awful time. xxxx
Its totally natural to feel like this. I was devastatedafter my first round and cried so hard and especially on my mum (Not like me)! Give it time...you will be ok for round 2 and 3...we gave it 6 months between rounds but everyone's different! Carry on concentrating on all the things you're doing...it all helps! Keep going don't lose hope xx We were on this journey from 2012 to 2020 and on our fourth round we finally got our BFP, married since 2009. Doesn't matter how long your journey is...hardest thing is forgetting other close friends journeys... as long as you want to...and can do it...Keep Trying...i liked Rebecca Fett's book - It starts with the egg...after my 3rd round I had nothing left and this book helped me focus on improving quality...plus 2ww wasn't enough time off for me, I was also lucky enough and took off 2-3 months to prep my body...Good Luck xxx
This could have been me in Jan of this year and my heart goes out to you completely. The thing is you weren’t ridiculous to think it could work first time, because it does, for some very lucky people. I like you, did everything I could possibly think of, and more, to make it work and it failed which hit me like a tonne of bricks. Unfortunately the older I get, I just think IVF is a lucky numbers game and whether the sun, moon and stars are all aligned for you in that particular month! It’s a miracle anyone gets pregnant at all!
Unlike you I don’t have any close friends around me going through IVF but those friends, for me, are on this forum and PLENTY of people do get pregnant. You just need to read those stories to make you realise it does work. Maybe don’t seek those out just at the mo when you’re so raw but they are there. I can’t promise it will happen for you obviously but until you’re ready to give up then there is def hope. Don’t worry that right now you may want to jack it all in and crawl into a hole with a crate of wine, I’ve had this after failed/ cancelled transfer and every miscarriage but I promise you that that feeling goes away with time and you get back the hope and spring in your step to go again if you are ready. There’s nothing wrong with you I promise. You’re doing everything you can.
I am so sorry to hear this you must be feeling awful. It is very hard to keep going but in time you will want to try again, the thought of the positives having that little bundle far outweighs the negatives. We had been trying for 6 years, 3 full icsi cycles, first 2 bfn with nothing to freeze, the 3rd full cycle we got a bfp and 2 Frosties in October last year but ended in miscarriage due to blighted ovum just before Christmas so was absolutely heartbreaking and we decided we wouldn’t go back for the 2 Frosties and we were going straight for adoption because I couldn’t do it again. But after some time I just knew I had to get my last 2 Frosties in for closure I really didn’t think it’d work, we got both transferred and got bfp then not long after yet again another miscarriage (or so I thought) had a scan at the fertility clinic in Glasgow and there was one healthy baby measuring just over 8 weeks! I’m now nearly 20 weeks pregnant and I still can’t believe it, still a long way to go but miracles do happen and you’ll have the strength to try again like I did and like a lot of other women going through this. It’ll feel like the end but trust me it can happen at the right time 🥰🌈 just take time to recover from this and you’ll be strong to try again xxx
I am sorry your are going through this.I am in the same situation as you are. Our stories are exactly the same. I did everything right.
I had high hopes for first round. It was good quality, but it didn’t work I read some people success story on their first attempt and I was like 100% sure not only That it would be successful but would also be multiple pregnancy. How foolish of me.
When it came out negative I was devastated. I said no more . This was in March this year. Now I can’t wait for September to come as I will start my second round. It is natural for us to lose faith.
The struggles seems too much and the end seems far. But we will get there.
So sorry your feeling so broken. I know the self doubt feeling and the I’m not worth it or I’m a failure but please try and shut out these noises and know you did everything you can. My only advice is maybe to do pgs on other embryos? I did from beginning and was one of the lucky ones first time doing IVF (mind your after 6 miscarriages) and am now 18 weeks pregnant. I just feel like pgs testing avoids so much heartache and ??? Marks.
Hi Betsy, same story here. My first transfer failed. We were super positive about it feels that life slapped us big time. We learned not to be so positive again about this as going for our second transfer tomorrow.
We are trying to chill about it. I actually had a couple of wine glasses this weekend as on the first transfer I became kind of “fundamentalist” about all restrictions. I think, at least for me, this didn’t work because it is building in your mind that your chances of getting pregnant are much higher and unfortunately , at the end, it is really not depending on it. Obviously I will not have a zip of alcohol from now on but I will drink my morning coffee at least and relax.
We also started seriously thinking about adoption. It doesn’t mean we will stop trying but we always wanted more than 1 and since I’m almost 37 this might make sense. My partner is a bit more skeptical but Im totally sure about it.
I still have faith. But if it doesn’t happen we will need to set up new goals, make a plan B. Don’t forget, life is precious and no matter what, it is important that you live happy. Sometimes you need to rethink your plans but this will make you stronger and wiser.
Sending you love and strength . You will get through this
Hi there, this feels so familiar, we were in a very similar position a few years ago. Despite knowing our chances I was so hopeful it would work first time and I was utterly broken when it didn’t. Our embryos weren’t great quality, I had bad OHSS but I remember thinking at the time how it “had to work” because I was doing everything right. Unfortunately we had no embryos to freeze so the cycle was completely over and it felt so utterly final at the time.
It really knocked my confidence and took me a long time to pick myself up. I had counselling and that really helped me process my feelings as did a holiday with my partner it sounds crazy but it really helped us to get off the IVF merry go round for a week and to relax (current situation right now it may be a little harder to do that) Take time to grieve, only you will know if and when you are ready to go again.
I wish had more advice, you will feel stronger in time. I’m so sorry it didn’t work.
I’ve been completely blown away by this community yet again. What a group of utterly beautiful souls you all are.
I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to reply but I’ve been so so overwhelmed by everything. Your words, condolences, advice and empathy has helped me so much these past few days. I just want to say how very thankful I am to you all 💛💛💛
I’ve been told that my next FET may or may not go ahead with my next cycle due to capacity issues (great) so that just made me more determined to keep going.
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I felt exactly the same. Literally every stage of the way I thought I would be lucky and everything should be fine due to our health, age, etc. It really is like a punch to the gut when you have tried everything right.
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