Does anyone have a partner who smokes?

[hifer]

Hi,

I think I may have posted about this before. Does anyone have a partner who smokes? How do you deal with it? Mine has smoked on and off since I've known him (mainly on). It has caused sooooo many rows since we've been together I can't even tell you, all surrounding IVF. He seems to have super sperm so there is nothing obvious about its effects on him but clearly it's not good news for IVF. I said I would never have another egg collection whilst he was still smoking but I'm meant to be starting one next month. I'm thinking of going straight for a FET transfer instead (hence my last post). I resent him so much, given all I have given up and have to go through. He hates the fact that he is a smoker and definitely smokes less than he used to. He has a stressful job and simply can't seem to make it through the day. Sometimes he goes 5 days without and then caves and then starts again. I could do without the rollercoaster to be honest because, believe me, we have the mood swings too when he gives up!

Any thoughts about having an egg collection with a smoker? Not necessarily after advice about helping him give up. I've given up on that (excuse the pun). It's also exhausting.

Thanks wise people

xx

[Dogpark]

Hi Hifer,

I'm in a similar situation except that my partner has very poor sperm count and this is the primary reason why we're doing IVF - though I suspect my age didn't help. This situation is a problem for me even outside of IVF. He did make an effort to switch to vaping for the first time in his life (he came up with this idea) but he has bouts of smoking a cigarette from time to time and I have to remind him of our IVF efforts every time, for him to stop.

He did also reluctantly take fertility vitamins I asked him to take (I had to prepare them for him everyday), this made no difference to his sperm, I suspect because he kept on vaping all along. I, on the other hand, was very serious about vitamins and nutrition and saw an amazing impact in terms of my own results during stimms.

Our consultant also asked to completely stop drinking for the duration of the treatment but he would still occasionally go out for a beer with coworkers, and that's even though he's not much of a drinker (ironically, I haven't seen him have a drink since we've been in lockdown). He famously went out for a drink the night before I was about to start my first round of stimulation.

Honestly, I don't know what to do and am open to advice as well. I am told that such men are common in the fertility world. This problem will continue even if you become pregnant and have a child. If we are to be successful with this treatment, am I going to be the one constantly carrying the child everywhere so that no one smokes in their face, even though my partner is the tall and strong one?

[hifer in reply to Dogpark]

It's so hard isn't it when you're being so vigilant yourself. I'm the same with my supplements. I think there's a definite thing of not wanting to be told what to do (which clearly makes you want to do it all the more!) Then adding that to the stress of IVF. In our worst rows though I keep bringing up what I've had to go through during IVF and all I'm asking him to do is take one multivitamin every day and give up smoking (it's not like it's good for you anyway!!) I'm getting neurotic about it and it's nearly split us up in the past x

[alohalu in reply to Dogpark]

Are you sure that you are not married to my husband? because he is exactly the same...

[MissSaoPaulo in reply to Dogpark]

Yep. Low sperm numbers but will he give up smoking ?(apparently he doesn't class himself as a smoker!!). Also had to give him his vitamin every morning like a child. Soooooo frustrating - says he wants a baby but totally unwilling to make even the smallest effort to achieve that.

Happily, our IVF was successful but he didn't give up even when I was pregnant and hyper sensitive to smells and it really bothered me. He did finally stop when his mum died. I think that happening when he had his own child on the way brought home a lot. Very sad that's what it took for him to give up, but it's been over a year now.

Good luck with the next transfer, hope you have some good news to incentivise your OH to give up xxx

[hifer in reply to MissSaoPaulo]

I'm so sorry you've been through it too but it was a great end to the story with both your success and his giving up (although obviously not with the prompt of his Mum passing away).

To be honest he was quite good when I was pregnant recently but then went straight back to it when I miscarried. It's just a giant rollercoaster of giving up, going back to it, giving up etc. It's so tiring!

Thanks a lot for your message, it really helps x

[Hidden]

Same position. He did somewhat stop during our fresh cycle but lockdown doesnt help. I do most of the effort with vitamins and exercise (walks etc). Like Dogpark said am concerned when i do get pregnant or have baby i dont want any smoke around us. He thinks most of the unexplained bit is because of my irregular cycles. Even though doctor said his sperm is not perfect. He is self employed and usually blames the stress. I think the stress in general isnt ideal. I just made it very clear that i dont want to wait for him to catch up and will continue with my fet. X

[hifer in reply to Hidden]

Yep my husband says the same. It's always the stress with work. Always. When I'm feeling super low about it, I blame him (in my head) for not being able to be succesful in getting pregnant or keeping the baby. Such an awful thing to admit to but I feel like I can here! As I said, it's making me neurotic! I just wish he'd give up once and for all!!xx

[Twiglet2]

Hi Hifer, personally I would go for egg collection and have proceeded with IVF myself despite OH still smoking. Smokers need to want to give up themselves and no amount of nagging or ultimatums are gonna make it any sooner, in fact it might even cause them to find it harder to stop.

I tried the nagging for 12 years and the ultimatums but all it was doing was causing arguments and stress at a time that was difficult enough for us both. We started treatment 4 years ago and my OHs dad passed away right at the beginning so was quite a tough start. I used to think (and say!) “I am putting my body through all this and you can’t even be bothered to give up smoking!” But I realised that I have to put my body through all this either way so that wasn’t fair and if they said to me ‘ I won’t move forward with IVF unless you stop having a Prosecco/crisps/dying your hair etc.“ I would be annoyed and it would probably make me do those things more! If we could conceive without IVF we wouldn’t be putting ultimatums on each other before trying so I don’t think we should now with IVF. This is a person a want a baby with, flaws and all ☺️ So if it isn’t effecting sperm I would say go for it.

I have stopped talking about it, they know my feelings on the subject and only smoke outside (this has been a condition since we moved in together over 12 years ago)So isn’t affecting my health in any way so it’s up to them now. That being said out of the blue on May 31st they stopped themselves and haven’t touched a cigarette since so here’s hoping this is it. I have obviously been encouraging on supportive but in no way instigated the stop or the date or how they are going about it and it’s the longest amount of smoke free time yet! It’s been ‘fun’ stuck in a house during lockdown with someone giving up smoking 🙈🤣 but We are due to have another FET in August with meds starting next week so will be good timing if it does last this time ☺️

That’s just my perspective and obviously you have to do what feels comfortable to you but hopefully something useful in my ramblings for you 😂

Ps it ain’t easy, none of this is, and this one is a tough one so completely get where you are coming from 🤗 xx

[hifer in reply to Twiglet2]

Thank you so much for that perspective, that was more helpful than you know. I agree with absolutely everything you said and it's actually really lightnened the load instantly. I will try and take a leaf out of your book as you are right, I think I'm making it worse and piling on the stress. Yes my husband wouldn't dream of smoking inside and never smokes around me when we are outside so it's not affecting my health either. I just resent him for doing it even though everyone knows that an addict can/ will give up only when they are ready.

I really hope your OH continues not to smoke for your FET. What a relief that will be for you. Fingers crossed. Well done for being so kind in your thoughts and feelings towards it all. Smoking withdrawals are the worst with the mood swings etc so well done for riding it out!

Thanks again for your very thought provoking message. It was much appreciated.

xx

[Twiglet2 in reply to hifer]

Aww glad it helped and you are very welcome 💖 and I totally agree since I stopped the nagging I think it’s actually been most beneficial for me as well as them and has defo taken at least one stress away ☺️ Good luck with everything will be watching your journey with fingers crossed for you 🤞🏽💫💖 xx

[hifer in reply to Twiglet2]

Thanks hun. You too xx

[Lots8788]

Hiya

Hubby used to smoke a lot then quit for fresh round 1. Then started again what with failed rounds, miscarrage, general life stress, etc.

He now has one here and there, so hasnt given up completely but smokes a lot less. I think i can just about live with that but it does frustrate me, especially like you say when youre going through it all physically, taking all the vits under the sun,standing on your head and rubbing your tummy (because it worked for your neighbours cousin twice removed) and he struggles to quit the fags and take a multivit.😬

But tbh it got to a point where it was causing more agro and stress to both of us in arguing about it and i agree that it has to come from him to want to give up, and we both know that deep down.

Our fertility issue is his sperm and i have DOR and our frozen just failed so will be doing another fresh this year.

I do just hope that if this all doesnt work out i wont resent him for not giving up completely, but hopefully we wont get there and if we do we will work through it like we do with everything else

Not sure how much that helps but you are not alone

good luck for next round xxx

[hifer in reply to Lots8788]

Well done for being so positive. I'm like you, if it doesn't work out, I don't want to resent him. It's so tough! At least he smokes less than he did. We'll take the small wins in this situation! You're right. It causes me so much stress. It's even affecting my sleep from worrying about it. Hopefully he'll come to his senses soon and sort himself out! xx

[Lots8788 in reply to hifer]

Ah its so difficult isnt it and so sorry its causing you so much stress and sleepness nights. Hope so lovely! Here if you ever want to rant x x

[DC5867]

Exact same thing in our house. It drove me insane and I really resented it and felt like he was choosing cigarettes over our potential family. He also already had two kids so it made me feel like he wasn’t that bothered cos he had kids already.

We now have two wonderful healthy boys and he is still smoking, still on and off, but still not able to properly give up and relies on it to relieve stress. It still annoys me now and I just try to ignore it.

I can assure you it feels worse than it really is because of your situation. If his sperm is testing ok I would try not to worry too much. Good luck!

[hifer in reply to DC5867]

Oh gosh that must have been so hard! Many congrats on your 2 boys- that’s an excellent part of the story. I agree I think the stress is not helping so I’m making it worse than it is! Thanks so much for your message. It is much appreciated xx

[Hidden]

Yes it pissed me off I had had a mc I wanted to do everything I could supplements eating healthy he had quit after I found out I was pregnant but with the mc it was a sad stressful time he started again we had another mc then we were pregnant again he had quit again using champix then we mc again. Since he stopped we have 2 had chemical pregnancies only being a few days late. He had a sperm test all was fine all was good with me too except I’ve a low amh. It was annoying and I’m pleased he stopped but has gained a lot of weight after. I’ve given up on having a baby I’m moving on.