Struggling a lot right now....

[aamiller405]

These past couple of days have probably, no deifnitely been among the toughest since I started this journey.

I was supposed to have my transfer on Wednesday but called it off on Saturday after a lot of doctors advice. I know it was the right decison for me..or rather my future baby but I have never felt so devastated.

I have cried pretty much continually since, I have screamed, I have shouted, I havent slept. And whats more because of self isolation I cant even get a hug or face to face conversation about it with my friends or family.

Instead I have had to continue to work in emergency services which at the minute you can imagine is quite a scary and uncertain job to be working.

Today was also mothers day.. the timing of that just the day after was a real kick in the teeth. Not to mention that by now I should be 8months pregnant with our little one we lost. And instead Im here with nothing and having to continue my meds for another two weeks as an extra cruel little twice a day reminder.

It just feels like too much at the minute! My heart is broken. Im sorry this just turned into a total moan but I needed to get it out somewhere... thank you all for allowing me this safe space to vent xox

[Simbaroma]

I can understand your pain, calling off something that you have been waiting for is awful, I was very lucky to be able to transfer here in Italy 10 days ago 2 x3 day fresh embryos, but having negative HPT isn’t helping the lockdown, I feel so alone and due to my age 43 I was hoping to go once more of this didn’t work, now with the IVF clinic closed for at least the next two months I will be hitting the mark of 44 by the time we are ready for another go and I really think that my time has pasted, so if I don’t have a positive on Tuesday (beta test) my hopes are completely finished. It’s so sad and I’m hurting, I do believe thou that it’s for the best not to transfer now, the 2WW on lockdown has been awful with nothing to take your mind off of it, stress levels are high and that’s not good, so take this time to rest (if you can with your job) and when it’s time at least it will be in a better and happier world.

[aamiller405 in reply to Simbaroma]

I'm so sorry to hear you've been having a crap time too.. I hope you are keeping safe! Yes I guess we need to try and keep things in perspective with everything else going on.. But at least we have a place where we can all express our upset too x

[Keepingfaith85]

My heart really goes out to you and all the sacrifices you are making right now and of course your heartbreaking decision not to go ahead with the transfer. I'm sorry for the pain it's caused you and I hope it won't be long before the world is in a better situation for your transfer to go ahead. You should be immensely proud that you are one of the people working to ensure that happens. Working in the emergency services must be difficult at the best of times and I can't imagine the strain you are under right now. Your own health is so important too, please look after yourself the best you can. It's okay not to be okay xxx

[aamiller405 in reply to Keepingfaith85]

Thank you so much for your kind and understanding message.. It really means such much ❤️❤️ xo

[Keepingfaith85 in reply to aamiller405]

You deserve so much kindness! Thank you for looking after others in such tough conditions xx

[AnLeh]

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling down. I am in a similar situation; we had our first successful ICSI round last August and my due date should have been in three weeks but we lost our baby shortly before 12 weeks 😔 we started another round just two weeks ago but also had to go for a freeze-all cycle because of Coronavirus. At least we both have something to freeze; so many poor women have nothing and had all their treatment/first/last round cancelled until further notice. I know it is so so hard but try and see the positive side of things-in this mad journey we are used to waiting/being scared/waiting/being disappointed/waiting....so this is just another test/bump in the road and we will get over it as well. Thinking of you and all of us; stay strong xx

[aamiller405 in reply to AnLeh]

Agh I'm sorry this has all affected you too and that you due dates approaching around this time is even worse. Yeah you are right.. This too shall pass.. Sending love xo

[Cinderella5]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad! Im well fed up too. Its so cruel that they havent let ladies continue onto transfer if they were already on meds, well the ones that wanted to anyway. My treatment will be delayed too. I feel so out of control, more than usual as I usually at least have a plan and I cant even do that with all the uncertainty around but I am coming to terms with the fact I will just need to get on with it.....doesnt make me any less pissed off but hey, what can we do! Hugs, there are so many of us in this situation on here that have been disappointed recently so we are all here for you!xx

[aamiller405 in reply to Cinderella5]

I actually made the call to stop in the end.. Which has surprised me but some of the facts and figures etc the doctor gave me coupled with my job left me with no choice.

You're always full of good advice and kind words even when you're having a hard time too.. I really appreciate that xoc

[Cinderella5 in reply to aamiller405]

Ahhh you're welcome! Its still ok to be mad even if you did make the call, it sounds like you didnt have a choice really. The impact that it has on our state of mind once we have decided to start again is hard!xx

[Hidden]

Aamiller you like so many others sound like terrific parents already with your sacrifice and selflessness and constant battle. I hope this blows over soon and those including me who have their treatment delayed will have another chance. I feel very hopeless at times and thoughts cross your mind what if i had started a month ago. What if i was private maybe i would hd my transfer. But these feelings doesnt help. Its hard to stay positive and offer others a shoulder to cry on but we have to. So please stay strong and i hope the universe sees your efforts and sacrifices and you get it back in a way you deserve ❤️

[aamiller405]

What an incredibly beautiful message.. Thank you so so much. Sending you so much love.. Stay safe xoc

[JadeH92]

Hi Aamiller, I am sorry you are finding it hard right now. It is totally understandable why you are feeling this way. We are in a very similar situation so I completely get it and I'm here if you ever want to private message me. Be kind to yourself, take care! Xxx