After our BFN in December, I was heartbroken, but after a big relax and returning to normal life over xmas I finally felt like I was getting my sparkle back and returning to my normal self. This week we went to our first open evening, hunting for a private clinic, and it has now all come rushing back, its consuming me again and at the forefront of my mind. It's the only thing we talk about it, we are worrying about money and finding it all really stressful.
I let myself forget a little for a whole month but now things are moving again, its affecting my mind already.
I am having trouble getting to sleep, and then I wake in the night with anxiety and cant get back to sleep as my mind and heart is racing thinking about all the what ifs all the questions I have...everything you can think of!!
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?
I do yoga, although I enjoy it, I dont relax in it. I cant afford acupuncture again, I've even taken up bloody knitting to stop me using my phone at night! I've come off all social media, I'm wondering whether to use the mindful IVF app again to help me sleep.
Any other ideas would be very welcome.
This is soooo crappy and unfair.
Thank you xx
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I know this feeling very well, so hard to dust yourself off and do it all again! For me therapy really, really helped. I see a psychotherapist and she’s helped a lot. She’s not a specialist in fertility but that doesn’t matter. I didn’t bother with acupuncture on my last round (which I got a BFP on and now 9 weeks 🤞). Lots of places do means tested therapy so will scale to your salary. Good luck with it all x
Thank you for your reply. I have considered counselling but I have never been, maybe I should give it a go. Many many congratulations on your BFP, wonderful news 💗 xx
Hi HPLondon! I just read back over your previous posts, noticed that your journey has been similar to mine - I ve had 2 Failed FETs and about so start my first fresh (hopefully) at a new private clinic. I saw you hadn’t done acupuncture this time and out of interest, did you do anything differently or try anything new with the new clinic? Embryo glue? Progesterone injections? X
I did have progesterone injections (still on them!) but also tried that on previous go. My husband had surgical sperm retrieval (he has retrograde ejaculation) this time though which may have made all the difference as his DNA frag was v high previously (most likely because the sperm was swimming in his urine!!). Found private to be much more tailored to our needs than NHS, but we did have quite a specialist issue! They also did egg collection after only a week of stimms to stop me overstimulating, whereas previous clinic waited two weeks - got more eggs but probably not as good quality and meant they had to freeze them all. This time I had my first fresh, but not sure if that made a difference! X
Hi sometimes anxiety is our way of telling us to stop. Do you think maybe it's too soon?.im only saying as I pushed ahead with my second round last summer, and just felt I was out my comfort zone. One of my friends tried to get me to delay but I didn't. It was an awful experience.
Hiya, I understand why you would say that, at this stage we are just looking for clinics and a fresh set of eyes on our situation to perhaps give us some more answers, I think that's what I am waiting for. I will take it all in my stride and see how I feel as things progress, the one think about self funding is that for once, we are in control of things and timings. It's going to be a few months yet before we would consider starting, I just wanted to nip it in the bud to try and train my mind to stay a bit calmer 🤞 xx
I really appreciate it ☺ writing things down is a good idea, hopefully it might help sort out all the thoughts that spin in my head before bed! Hope your 2ww is going ok, lots of luck to you 🤞🤞😘
Sorry about your BFN but great to hear you regained your sparkle!. It is such an emotional time and so very difficult to switch off from all the worries surrounding IVF. The calm app is meant to be great. I write things down either throughout the day or at night. Sometimes when you read your thoughts you can make sense of them or realise it is just an irrational thought fuelled by emotion!. If you do yoga some of the restorative poses are good to do just before bed 🧘🏻♀️.
Hi 😊 I had my second BFN in December and just planning to start again now too. I think the break did me good and I will have another break if this one is unsuccessful. It really takes a toll on my mental health.
I really like the Calm app it has sleep stories, meditation etc it's not ivf related just generally focused on relaxation.
Sorry about your BFN. You're right, the break did wonders for my mental health too, I'm just hoping we are at a bit of a stressful part in choosing the clinic, hoping I will feel better when we have a plan. In the meantime just need to find my way of keeping calm. Thanks for your reply xx
Yes I'm sure once you have chosen your clinic and have a plan in place it will get a lot easier. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and go with whatever feels most comfortable for you ❤️ Xx
I get waves of this too . Defo do the app again and really work on your breathing . Sometimes I do three of the sections and eventually I fall asleep. Have you tried counselling? Might be helpful to let your sub conscious out and learn how to calm etc. I would have taken Kalms ( herbal sleep aid things from boots and Now in other places like b and m etc) but I haven’t taken any recently with treatment etc. Even music playing with the timer set to turn it off or positive pod casts to bore ya to sleep. I find reading 📖 helps focus my head on a different story. Also mindfulness colouring and puzzles are good for letting your thoughts flow and not blocking the stress thoughts . Fresh air walks with positive music helps too. Do you draw or doodle? Hopefully some of these suggestions will help 💐 even a journal to write down your thoughts to ‘get it out’ then write a short list of things to do for the next day . Bless your heart, hoping your head calms soon. I’m off to try the mindfulness app myself just now, I’ll defo be using the anxiety and sleep sections tonight as I’m getting stress from work .
Try TheWorks for mindfulness puzzle books and colouring etc. They’ve loads of things like that and some focussed on calming and cheap too! . Also get yourself a diary for ivf only. Make a few lists and tick things off ( even start with a list that has your multi vitamin , a walk, breakfast etc and tick it off)
Plan when you are going to see your clinics or even give them a call and ask a few questions like waiting lists , price lists , counsellor provision etc so that at least you feel like you have forward motion in it all. I always find when I do something I feel better like making appointments etc etc
It’s a very stressful time , hope you can decide your clinic soon so your brain can calm.
You’re doing the best you can, it is a stressful time 💐💐💐💐💐
Thank you lovely. I've ordered some colouring books a journal and some mindful puzzles 😁 it is a stressful time whichever point of the process it is, I just want to try and manage it more.
Is it your transfer on Monday? How are you feeling? Xx
Yep, phone call from embryologist on Monday before ten then if embryo survives thaw, transfer after that. At times I feel panicky but trying to breathe and stay calm . I’m trying to put work stress out of my head so I can focus on ME but it’s hard today for some reason . I’ve cried twice already today 🙄🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 not sure I’ll sleep much on Sunday night but at least I’ll know early enough on Monday what will be happening 🤪🤯😫😔🤪
Sounds like you're doing all you can. Bless you. I can imagine it might be a couple of sleepless nights but at least you will know earlier on on monday. Will be thinking of you, wishing you all the best best 😘🤞🤞🤞🤞 xx
I wish i could be more helpful, only to say im exactly the same. I just try to remember this wont last forever. I feel better now i have a plan of action, do you know what your best options are? X
Hey, I think that's what it is. I think we are going through quite a stressful part of the process in choosing our clinic. I'm hoping once weve decided and got a plan of action I will feel a lot better. 2 more clinics to see. Hope you're doing ok xx
Yes thats the hard part, we still dont know if we are staying where we are but i do know what i want to do ivf wise. Which area are you in again? Is there lots of choice where you are? Its so hard, we have been round them all and theres not one that i thiught was amazing, but it has to be one that we can get too. Im ok hunny, im enjoying not being on an ivf cycle at the moment xx
We are shropshire, so looking at west Midlands, going to see 2 in Birmingham and the other was nottingham way. You have to take into account the journey but to be honest I think either way it's going to be a long journey. We were used to a 20 min journey!
Did you hear back from the nurse in the end? It sounds like you've been through a very confusing couple of days xx
Im from the west midlands but live an hour away from there now. Im thinking of looking birmingham way, if you find a good one would you mind pm’ing me? I dont feel like any round here are that amazing. I like where we are now, but after having to travel an hour and a half away each time and the ec fiasco i just dont know what to do. But at least i do have a plan, i want a totally natural cycle and if that doesnt work i want a donor. OH needs time to think. Nurse rang back whist i was on the school run so i missed the call and couldnt ring back after as i couldnt talk. I keep looking at the tests i took, the preg test line is practically none existant so how can the ov line be so strong if its the hsg. Im still having lower tummy cramps and nausea and ive got no appetite just eating small amounts. The only thing i havent had is lots of cm, i had that the day of egg collection. It really is confusing i guess theres nothing i can do about it either. I would need a scan to confirm and ive not had one so all i can do is discuss it on friday at our appointment. X
It all sounds confusing, I guess all you can do is wait for your appointment on friday. But I can imagine it is the worst waiting! Yes of course I will let you know how the 2 Birmingham ones go xx
Thankyou, i really hope you find the best clinic ever to settle your nerves and make you feel confident you are in the right place, its a bloody whirlwind isnt it, theres not one part of this that isnt stressful, and i think we have to actually be proud of ourselves for having the strength to go through it all. And who knows, we may end up at the same clinic!xxx
Totally understand how you feel lovely. We had our second negative in November and were thinking of going again in February but decided we weren’t ready. We might delay to march/April to feel better in ourselves.
The mindful IVF app really helped me as has some great coping techniques. Also sleep as much as you can and exercise to help switch your mind off!
Thank you lovely, sorry to hear about your BFN, I definitely need to up the exercise to make me more tired to help me sleep I think. Like you we are thinking april ish time, we went so quickly into our 2nd round, I've enjoyed the break, but the same emotions all start creeping in and that's only from looking at clinics. I'm hoping this is just a stressful part we are going through at the moment, once we have a plan I'm hoping will feel better. All the best to you too 😘 xx
Definitely believe in a plan! I’m a planner! When you have that you will feel better I’m sure. Exercise is fab for switching your mind off. ☺️ I’ll be rooting for you. Xxx
Hello, I am totally the same boat as you, started to feel normal and happy over Xmas but now I am back choosing a clinic and worrying about money, my anxiety is back! My GP referred me to an NHS psychotherapist who is helping. She’s not a fertility specialist but helps me manage my anxiety - it’s worth a try xx
Thank you for your reply. Sounds like we are feeling exactly the same! I think it might be worth it that's good youve gone through the nhs, did it take long for the referral to come through?
It's such a stressful part isn't it choosing a clinic, it's so stressful, especially now that theres money involved which is just the biggest stress! Hoping that once weve decided and have a plan of action i might feel a lot better, hopefully the same will happen for you too 😘 xx
It does and it’s really not easy! Like you say, now there is money involved I really feel the pressure and I’m almost scared to start again for that reason!
The referral didn’t take long at all and I have already had about 6 sessions so it’s worth looking into!
Thats really good! I know exactly what you mean about the money 😫 weve still got 2 more to see over the next week then we can start making a decision, what about you? X
I actually only went to 1 open evening but it was a clinic I had been aware of since the start! I happened to see the founder during my first NHS gynae appointment and I know she’s well rated in the industry. It’s close to home which for me is important and I felt happy with it when I went! I have a treatment plan just need to get going now, once I feel ready xx
Sorry to hear you feel like this, I feel exactly the same. I came across this website and I’m doing their complimentary fertility session, it’s a 25 mins session so not too bad. You can just download it for free. Most days it helps, although yesterday I really couldn’t focus! There are lots of success story on the website, worth giving a try!
Sorry to hear that the anxiety is creeping back in after feeling better during your break. I can really relate as have had very similar feelings. It sounds like you are at a stressful point, choosing a new clinic. For me some of the most difficult points along our journey so far have been when we’ve had a big decision to make and everything feels a bit uncertain. Hoping you start to feel a bit better once you have chosen one and you can have a bit of a plan. I have found seeing psychotherapist really helpful, so I’d definitely speak to your go to see what might be available to you. Also lots of long walks or swimming to tire myself out so I tend to sleep better. The mindful IVF has been a godsend I’d defo recommend getting back into using that. Or if you’d rather something non-IVF related to not bring your focus back to it unnecessarily then the ‘headspace’ app is great too. Sending you big hugs and understanding, you are certainly not alone xxx
Thanks you for your reply, you are right its definitely he decision making and waiting which is the worst. Fingers crossed it will help having a new plan and a bit more of a focus as everything is very uncertain with added pressure of money. Going to definitely get back into my app. Hope its all going well with this cycle? We are thinking of the 2 cycle package with access fertility as our option xx
Yes I always feel better with a bit of a plan! Hope it helps when things are a bit clearer with regards to your next steps. It sounds like you’ve got lots of ideas to try in terms of managing the anxiety so lots of luck with those too. It’s great that you are being proactive and looking for things that can help. And thank you, we had our first scan (day 6 of stimms) this morning and all looks ok so that’s a relief. Got another scan on Monday xxx
Sorry to hear you are going through this. I would second what Keepingfaith85 said about the Calm.com app. It is a ten minute daily meditation - first 7 minutes are breathing & relaxation and the last 3 minutes are a “thought for the day” (self-care). A friend I recommended it to said it completely changed her mindset and really helped her with anxiety. It has sleep stories too to get you to sleep.
DH and I went for fertility counselling together (and separately) also. We only went every 3-4 weeks (over two years) but it really helped us get on the same page with things. xx
You are so welcome! Would also recommend watching all seven seasons of Modern Family on Amazon Prime 😂 (you need to pay for this but it’s been worth it to us).
DH and I no longer go to therapy since we watch this every night! It’s very well-written and the storyline about the adopted child from Vietnam has at times been a comfort as we are using donor sperm (not everyone’s family comes in same package!) xx
That's just it isn't it, whatever path you choose it's what will be for you. Thanks for the recommendation. I have just bought the book 'meant to be' by lisa Faulkner. Only a few chapters in, but it's her journey to motherhood, I am already finding it very comforting xx
Absolutely! Thanks for recommending the book - I’m going to check that out. Thinking of everyone struggling this month. January is a tough month to get through. xx
I feel like that about my private clinic already! Going for less eggs this time as had 27 last time and suffered OHSS and perhaps the eggs as good a quality as they could have been! Hopefully the fresh will make a difference combined with progesterone injections and blood thinners 🙏
It's so hard, isn't it? If I wake at night and really can't sleep, I get up, make hot drink and read a novel for an hour. I think the knitting is a great idea. My husband and I often play scrabble or dominoes in the evening which helps. X
It is very hard, and I can see we all suffer from this! Its finding ways of managing it, scrabble is a good idea sometimes it's good to not always have TV on too xx
I have a cafe... and today it was filled with ladies going through the same thing... one thing was agreed... we can be angry... we can be happy.... we can be sad.... we can be strong...
We can be what we want to be...
Talk to people... keep talking... I’ve got to stop reading medical publications until 2am ... I simply need to be educated, as it’s my body... and I have lost trust in the system
Thank you for the lovely reply, that's very true 💗
I'd like to think I'm quite an open person I try and talk as much as possible unfortunately not many of my closest people understand apart from my husband.
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💔💔💔💔 I want our baby back 
Time to change clinics? 
Feeling like I can't cope with infertility anymore
I'm back, anxious is an understatement 😫
