Petrified of another failure

[Violet1987]

Hello everyone,

I am so anxious about starting round 3 after our miscarriage and failed attempts. I don’t know how I would cope if it happened again.

I’ve been thinking and discussing adoption a lot with my husband. Did anyone just forget the heartache of trying to get pregnant and go ahead with adoption? We are NHS funded and we are entitled to our third and final round. I will take it but I am scared I am just delaying the entire process of becoming a mum! Does that make sense?

I read that the likelihood of ICSI success after failed attempts at IVF is low.

Am I setting myself up for more heartache?

[Solly-44]

Hey,

I think it’s completely understandable that you feel like this but of course that doesn’t help with how anxious you feel. My first failed cycle hit me hard and I was so worried about whether I could handle another one.

The 2nd also failed but I took it better than I expected. I know the fear though, it came to otd and I just didn’t want to test at all. I think I’ll be the same next time too.

Adoptions a difficult one for us. I’m completely up for it, and if I’m honest it would have probably been my first choice. But my partner wasn’t as in to the idea as me so here we are, and of course you get fully sucked in when you start! I read a lovely story by a woman who adopted after several unsuccessful cycles though, and she said all of a sudden the ‘failures’ all made sense - that child had been waiting for her, and she had been waiting for him. This still resonates with me. Wishing you all the luck whichever you decide xx

[Violet1987 in reply to Solly-44]

That’s so nice. It does make me think. Good luck to you x

[SharlyWarly]

Sorry that you've had a hard time with IVF, it's just the nature of the beast though. I would say you would have been super lucky for it to be successful on the first attempt (though annoyingly this happened for two of my former colleagues!!) so unless you really prefer adoption I would say just go for the 3rd round. You are very lucky to have 3 rounds on the NHS, this is a gift so welcome it with open arms!

It is understandable that you are anxious about it but be brave, it might just work

[Violet1987 in reply to SharlyWarly]

Thank you. I am very lucky to get three rounds off the NHS x

[Violet1987 in reply to SharlyWarly]

Thank you. I am very lucky to have 3 rounds. Good luck SharlyWarly x

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Violet. I can fully understand the heartache you have been through up to now. I do hope you have had plenty of support along the way, and some counselling. Your third attempt is fast approaching, so I wish you both huge success this time. Keep the adoption thoughts tucked away for now, and concentrate on now. I have had many couples been successful after several failed attempts - it can happen. Let’s hope it will be your time now. Thinking of you. Diane

[Violet1987 in reply to DianeArnold]

Thank you so much! X

[Lavender96]

Hi Violet. I completely understand where you are coming from. My last miscarriage was devastating and has made me incredibly anxious about trying again. However, strangely at the same time, focusing on my next transfer is also helping me through it. It’s such a mixed bag of emotions!

I’m hoping to be going in for my next transfer in Nov and it can’t come round quick enough for me, yet I know I’ll be a nervous wreck once it’s here! I suppose we just have to try and stay strong and positive and get the support we need, from our partners or councillors or this forum. Wishing you success in your next cycle!! x

[Violet1987 in reply to Lavender96]

I wish you lots of success too. I started this process very positive, it’s just very hard to get back to that positivity x

[Bistbee]

Totally get these fears - we’ve had 2 unsuccessful cycles so far and have one embryo in the freezer, so we’re going ahead with a FET next month. The fear of failure is so tough, it’s really has not to let your past experiences taint your decisions, however we felt that as the general advice is most couple will be pregnant after 3 go’s and we’ve only got one embryo left, then we really should give it a chance. I think we’d be forever thinking ‘what if’ if we didn’t. Although we’re obviously hoping for 3rd time lucky, we have to be realistic that this might not work for us. I genuinely don’t know how hard that’s going to hit me, i’ve realised you just can’t anticipate those kind of feelings, but what i do know is that we’ve been through it twice already and we’ve survived and so if it happens again, yes it will be totally shit and unfair but we will survive. We have a vague idea of what our plan would be if this doesn’t work, but again it can’t become concrete until we know the outcome for sure so am trying not to project too far ahead.

I’ve found the uncertainty over making decisions in this whole process so hard, you never quite know whether you’re making the ‘right’ choice and then when you don’t get the outcome you expect it really makes you start to doubt your judgment!

I’m sure whatever you decide will be the right thing for you and good luck x

[Violet1987 in reply to Bistbee]

Good advice, you sound very brave and speak a lot of sense. Good luck to you! Thanks x