Today was my first day back at work following my miscarriage (I work term time so have been off on annual leave).
For the last week I have been telling myself it won't be easy but the longer I leave it the worst it will get, so just thought "you can do this".
Pretty much everyone at work knew about the IVF process and a good few knew when the transfer was. Ideally I wouldn't have told people but I work in a small team and I had a lot of appointments during the run up so I thought it was easier to tell people than them speculating.
Obviously when I got the positive I told the one who knew I had the transfer. Obviously we was so happy we wanted to share our amazing news... but then obviously I had to tell people about the miscarriage to. Which looking back I don't regret telling people about the transfer because I would still feel the same now and people would still notice a difference in me.
Anyway today was my first day it started off okay, but I was feeling very tearful and overwhelmed but telling myself I could do it. One colleague who knew could tell I was struggling and then that was it. I burst in to tears and could stop and just knew I couldn't do it. I feel like a massive failure for not being able to do it but I just can't I'm not ready and I'm frustrated with myself for not being ready. I feel like I should be because it has been a few weeks.
I think that I have not done myself any favours because since it happened I have not seen anyone really other than my family so now going back to the real world has been too hard.
Then I rang my partner when I was on my way home and he told me I should have just stuck it out because if not it won't get any easier so then that made me feel worse. I know he wouldn't meant to make me feel worse and I get his point but I just can't.
I have rang the drs just because I didn't know what else to do and I have counselling for the clinic on Friday. Everyone at work was really kind which helped.
Sorry just had to speak to people who know how this feels.
Thanks for listening x
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JadeH92
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I’m so sorry you found it tough. It’s hard being at work through all of this but remember everyone has got your back and wishing nothing but the best for you. It probably doesn’t make it easier but you shouldn’t feel stupid for feeling like this. It’s a ridiculously tough road you’re on and you should expect a few bumps - take the time you need to grieve your loss xxx
Ahhh Jade, dont beat yourself up! You've done what you can and it was too hard, its ok to not be ok....you're not ready and that's fine. We're all different and dont put pressure on yourself to be ok, it takes as long as it takes. I think seeing people for the first time afterwards is the worst bit and you have done that now. Im sure your OH didnt mean to upset you, men just think a bit differently....they tend to have a very practical approach to things. Hopefully your counsellor can give you some suggestions on how to cope with going back to work again. Could you even meet up with a good friend, then a small group.....take small steps to getting yourself back out there again before going back again? Big hugs.xx
Thank you Cinderella. Yeah I know he won't want to make me feel bad I think he isnt coping very well either and by him staying in work is how he feels he has to cope with it so he thinks it would be the best for me to. I think you a right I might reach out to my friends this week to see them, they have all respected my privacy and yeah hopefully the counsellor will be able to give me some tips. xxx
Don’t dare feel stupid ! You tried and it was tough but next time you go back you will find it a little easier I am sure . You have had a lot to deal with and might just need some counselling to help you feel better . Big hugs to you xxxxx
Aw jade I'm so sorry today didn't go well 😔 but don't be hard on yourself, this is bloody hard!
I'm in a similar situation to you. I'm back to work on Thursday and because of the nature of my job I had to tell everyone aswell so going to have to tell everyone who hasnt already heard the bad news when I go back aswell.
You're not a failure at all, your health and mental health is most important and if you're not ready that's OK.
I'm really struggling with this aswell, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through and plenty of days I'm still a total mess.
But it's OK not to be OK, I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will get through it, and it doesn't matter how long it takes, there's no set time frame for when to be OK again. I hope counselling helps and always here to talk since I know we're at a pretty similar stage.. Sending love xox
Aamiller thanks for replying. I really hope Thursday goes well for you. I hope that me writing this hasn't added to your anxieties about Thursday. I am sorry you are also struggling and even more sorry that you are experiencing this as well. Thank you for offering support in your time of need also. But the same to do if you need to talk I'll try and help! Take care 😘 xx
I had a miscarriage in March and I think it’s all the worse when you have been through IVF to get pregnant in the first place. It’s hugely disappointing and terribly painful. Allow yourself to be sad and talk about your feelings as much as you can. Counselling is a good step. X
Hi Jade, I’m so sorry for your loss and the fact that you’re having such a hard time right now. It can be extremely difficult putting on a brave face after what you’ve been through and everyone copes differently. It’s great that your team were so supportive, but it also becomes very much about the loss and in some ways you’re forced to re-live it. I think it’s important to not expect too much of yourself and to take your time in terms of recovering emotionally, physically and mentally. It’s important to know that each has its own process. Your husband, bless him, is trying to help but only you know what will make things easier for you in both the short and long term. However, I would encourage you to keep communicating with him, as you have been, because I’m sure he’ll want to do anything to help you to heal. Have you considered a phased return to work. x
Hi Tiddly, thank you for your reply. Yeah I think I've been putting it back of my mind for a brave face and today I just couldn't anymore because I was out of my comfort zone and you are right I was forced to re-live it. Thank you for your comforting words and yeah we will keep talking because he needs me as much as I need him. I haven't but that might be a good idea. Thanks again xxx
Good 😊. Take your time. Much is outside of our control but you get to control this phase of the journey so do whatever makes it easier for you...Hugs...x
Thank you all soo much for replying! I really appreciate it. I don't know if I feel worse for coming home now. I have spoken to my partner again he has said sorry for making me feel bad, but then he's still kinda staying I should have stayed in because it doesn't matter, if it's in a week or a month the reasons I am so down won't change. Which I get but I can't explain that i just couldn't do it today and I don't think I'll be able to tomorrow either. But I know keeping myself in my own little bubble won't help either.
My G.P was really nice and supportive. She told me not to be hard on myself and not to feel guilty for having time off or for not feeling ready (that was without me saying how I felt, which was kinda nice to know that it must be a usual way to feel). She had told me to take this week and self cert and she has booked an appointment for me to see her next week (Tuesday) and she told me if I need a sick note from then, she will back date it.
It is really hard for me to admit I feel like I'm failing even more for not being able to cope. I already feel betrayed by my body physically for the miscarriage happening in the first place but now I feel betrayed emotionally. I guess today is just a bad day.
Thank you all for your support though it means soo much to know I'm not alone ❤
I don't know what to say.. Just want to support you somehow. I understand what you mean so exactly that is why I'm trying not to tell anybody about this except my parents. I asked them not to tell anybody else as it is hard for me to go through this. And they understand me perfectly well as they remember how I had been trying to get rid of the depression after my first negative IVF. Be strong, dear. We can do this! You can do this!
SunnyDream thank you for the support. I am sorry you have also suffered loss this process is just so awful at times. I get why you have decided to keep it private one side of me wishes that too but then I think I'm always such a happy person and now I'm not and it would be so obvious. Thanks again and you are right we can do this ❤
SunnyDream thank you for the support. I am sorry you have also suffered loss this process is just so awful at times. I get why you have decided to keep it private one side of me wishes that too but then I think I'm always such a happy person and now I'm not and it would be so obvious. Thanks again and you are right we can do this ❤
Don't feel stupid its an emotional time and super hard dealing with it, take the time off if you need to, talk about how your feeling let it out, cry whatever you need to do. I still find it hard everyday nobody sees how I struggle its been 9 mths since my last mc I'm still emotional about the first one nearly 2 years ago.
Sorry to hear you are still struggling at but I can understand why it is something that will never leave just something you learn to live with. Thank you soo much for your reply. Look after yourself xx
Oh Jade,you are not stupid or a failure, it is still very recent all still raw no? Better getting it all out now, rather a delayed reaction later on, you are so brave going back to work and just because you had showed your grief it doesn't mean you are weak. Do everything you can to be gentle to yourself. I couldnt concentrate on the books I normally read and enjoy so I bought easy read thrillers after my MC because it was so removed from my own existence. TV didn't do anything to distract me. Focus on nurture if you can, combination of comfort food and nutrient rich foods to help your body. The grief is like a big balloon in a small box at the moment and the balloon will deflate over time... Take care XXX
Thank you soo much Laura for being soo kind. Yes I think I was being too hard on myself it was only 4 weeks yesterday that it was confirmed I think because I had been on work for 5 weeks anyway because of the school holidays I was putting pressure on myself about not having any more time off. That description of grief is soo good! I have been writing a poem over time to express how I have felt on this journey which seems to let off a bit of steam. Thanks again! x
You definitely shouldn’t feel stupid!! Miscarriage is very tough and everyone has to take their time until they are ready to go back to work. There is no set time because everyone is different and everyone’s experiences are different. I thought I would have a couple of days off work and then be fine!! I had 2 weeks off and then had to take it very steady for the few weeks after that. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s a tough time and you must look after yourself. Take care lovely xx
Thank you for your support and kind words. I think a lot of me being hard on myself comes with society's notion that before 12 weeks it doesn't matter, which i know is ridiculous but you can't help think what other people might be thinking. The Dr has signed me off for 3 weeks so and stated she would review me if needed but I hope to be more stable by the end of next week. Thanks again and take care xx
Hi Jade, not sure what the right words are at times like this but please don't feel silly. This journey is tough and we are all only human. We have to have time to grieve and time to heal. Take one step at a time and try not to feel bad or guilty. x
Hi Hope, thank you for your kind words, this site has truly been amazing. The support from all of you ladies has really helped. This journey is really tough and I think it makes you have an idea that you have to toughen up so when I've not been able to I have been even harder on myself. But all of your support I am learning it's okay to not be okay. Thanks again and take care xxx
I had a miscarriage April 2018. It was a hard road getting back to work for me. I ended up changing jobs as I felt I needed a fresh start. Loosing my baby has changed me profoundly. I am not the same person anymore. Unfortunately, society as a whole doesn’t understand the huge effect it can have on people’s lives, and this forces us to try and cope, go back to work and carry on as normal. I still have bad days even a year and a half on. I still cry in my car. I still talk to my baby. But I also have easier days. I would just suggest for you to be kind to yourself, and don’t judge yourself. Everyone goes through this in a different way. This group has been a life saver, as this far on, I don’t want to keep crying on my fiancé’s shoulder, so sometimes I cry to the ladies here, and it makes me feel less alone. Reach out to this group whenever you need to. I’m so sorry that this has happened x
Hi Kathryn, I am so sorry! You have hit the nail on the head. Society act like its not a big deal but then from speaking to people since my miscarriage, most people I know have also been through it but it has taken me to share it for them to tell me. You are right the ladies in this group are amazing. I hope soon I am strong enough to give some advice if someone else is struggling. Take care and look after yourself xx
Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed of how you feel.
The point here is no one knows how you feel only you - if you are not ready then you are not ready - full stop.
I get that your husband is trying to cajole you into ‘stepping back in to real life’ but the unfortunate part of all of this is this- this happened to you and you alone.
I completely understand that your husband will have felt loss and disappointment - I am not diminishing this fact. But he didn’t have to go through the physical process of the lead up to transfer and ultimately what happened.
Take a breath. Go for a coffee. Scream at the sky. Do whatever it is that makes the pain lessen and take care of you xxxx
Thank you for replying Poppy. My partner is just worrying it will set off my anxiety and I will relate having a melt down with going back to work. I have since explained that work isn't my issue the fact we have lost our baby is. So he understands a bit more now. Thanks again xx
JadeH92 ... after trying for a baby for 2 years I finally fell pregnant in May ... heartbreaking I miscarried on July and was then off work for 6 weeks. I have been bad 2 weeks now and the 1st day I was the same as you ... I went back in the day after however and told myself every morning that I was strong and could get through it x Not a second goes by where I don't think about it all x You can and will be through this, it will never leave you lovely, but you will find the inner strength to live life daily x sending you love and positivity x
I remember going back to work after I had been seriously ill and I had been terrified but told myself how it was better for me to go and stick with it early rather than wait and it being more difficult to get back in and I had gone back and was terrified and I had to leave at 12 that day and had asked a colleague to come with me to my back to work interview as I was terrified and that had helped and I had offered her support when she needed an x ray in return but she said she was fine to go to that alone so I got some treats for her spoilt brown and white tabby called Percy who is the same age as our ginger tabby baby who is 15!
Try not to put pressure on yourself. This is a bloody hard thing to go through – grief takes as long as it takes, but it does become manageable in the end. I miscarried in Spring 2018, and although it will stay with me forever, I’ve finally started to find myself again. I found this a very helpful read when trying to make sense of my feelings: definingmum.com/2019/05/16/...
Thank you. I have started to accept that its okay I'm not feeling very strong now but still have days where I feel like I should be pushing myself. All you ladies sharing your experiences I am sorry you all have had to experience it also however, you have all reassured me that I am okay to take time. I am glad you have started to find yourself again. I wish you lots of luck in your journey and thank you for sharing that link also. Take care xx
Oh hun I’m so sorry. Sounds like you need a bit more time, and maybe pace yourself a bit by getting out of the house and in different settings (more than being around the comfort of your family and build up bit by bit). Everyone is different and cold turkey back to work can work for some but can be pretty overwhelming for others.
I’m so sorry for your loss and hope things get easier in time xxxx
Thank you for taking the time to reply. Yes it was very overwhelming for me which made me feel like a failure. I have started taking myself out of my safe haven (my house) and started visiting friends and things which is helping slowly. I realise I am getting there but maybe a bit slower than others. Thanks again and take care xx
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