Quite upset about how v close friends have such a nonchalant attitude/ not a big deal view on what I'm currently going through... Don't they just realise??!!
Whenever I've mentioned the treatment, the injections, the surgery I received a simple answer saying " good luck!" "You're brave" or worse "don't worry" !
They don't bother checking how I feel or how I am
Not asking for any updates...just sh*tty friends really.
Quite disappointed. I spent endless evenings listening to their relationship problems , pet dying, work issues etc..
Is it just me? Am I beeing too precious?
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Lapinblanc88
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I feel the same about my friends! I think is all stems down to they don’t understand whatsoever. Do you know anytime you can talk to in person going though the same thing? X
No not at all sometimes people just don’t get it! It’s really tough try to support yourselves and limit talking about it with those that do support but also don’t let it come between you as friends it’s not easy keep strong xx
I feel the same about mine too. They all have children and that’s all they talk about some times. I think because they have never had issues with fertility they just don’t understand plus sometimes they might not want to ask if they feel it may be insensitive to ask x hope your ok and I don’t think your being precious at all xx
It’s hard for people to understand when they’ve never struggled to conceive or had fertility treatment. Feel free to vent on here as we’re all in this together. My husband and I have hardly told anyone what we’ve been going through but we have close friends who had a really difficult journey and talking to them has really helped x
I would try not to take it too personally. Easier said than done I know! When I got pregnant last year after a month of trying I was so happy and even joked to friends how fertile we were as a couple. Now, when I look back, I didn't realise how lucky we'd been and its only because we lost two, and have struggled since, that I understand how much it hurts and how much it takes over your life... People who've never been through it just think Ivf has a 100% success rate and is guaranteed to end in a pregnancy. It's only when you have to live through it everyday that you realise how all consuming it is. I didn't think this time last year that we'd still be trying. It seems never ending! At least you know there are others in the same boat and understand how painful it can be x
This comment sums it up...people think ivf has a 100% success rate and I think people have this 'what are you making such a big deal for, you know it'll work' attitude because of that 😭 I don't think they mean to not care, they just don't understand it at all like you've said Xx
It’s easy for people to be blasé when they’re not the ones going through it. I found the same with friends and family. I don’t think they meant anything by it, they just genuinely don’t realise what’s involved and how scary and overwhelming it can all be xx
I have a similar problem. My closest lifelong friends haven't bothered to message me for months.
There's a pregnant girl on my team in work and I'm sick to death of hearing pregnancy talk all. day. long. when they know very well what I'm going through. She's now done her big gender reveal whilst I sat there gritting my teeth and fought back to the tears. Their sensitivity level is non existant. Said pregnant girl has now unfriended me on fb because I indirectly told her that she was really insensitive. I'm now expected to apologise by mutual friends. They have no idea the pain theyre causing
I posted this a while ago, but seemed to resonate... hope you don't mind me re-posting x
I saw something written (about something other than fertility) and realised that it was just as relevant to us and our fertility journey; so I thought that I would share it. I can't take the credit for crafting it, but it resonated with me, and hopefully with you too.
The only one who can really understand how much infertility has changed you, is someone else with infertility.
The grief you feel is not validated, accepted nor understood by those around you, even in the medical community, because it's often just as invisible as the infertility you live with.
Unless you have experienced infertility, its almost impossible to understand or relate to because after all, generally you 'look ok'.
You can get so caught up in needing people to understand how it feels, especially those closest to you and when they can't, it can feel like such a blow to the spirit and even, like a betrayal.
So let go of the need for them to understand.
They can't, not truly.
Focus instead on what is most important; that they respect the new boundaries that you now need to put in place, to protect your health and your energy.
Be as factual as you can, without needing to justify your choices. Do not apologise for the infertility because it is not your fault.
Instead, clearly explain what you can and cannot do.
If you get caught up in needing them to understand, it will end up damaging your relationships because you feel hurt, unloved and judged. Which will make you put even more emotional distance between you and make you feel even more alone.
You know how you feel.
You do not need to convince anyone else.
People who love you will be willing to respect the boundaries you set and any limitations you have when you communicate with them clearly and consistently.
You're not being precious at all. it's a question I've also asked myself when I've been frustrated and / or upset about how friends have been in the past. I think it's so difficult to get and they won't understand unless they've been through it. That's what I find so great about this site as it's nice to talk to people who get it without having to explain. Big hugs to you x x
Hey I hear you my boss knows we have started fertility treatment I called her into a room at work sat her down and told her she asked what she wanted to know (not really interested just being nosy) so I told her what was needed to be told then she said oh god I’m panicking now just in case Sofia( her daughter Inlaw who works with us )and another’s coleugue of ours is also trying that we will all catch at the same time then she said I’m sure sofia will be no time catching as her and my son Dave are so compatible (I felt like saying how can you be so bloody hurtful with only one mouth )she wasn’t interested in me clearly don’t think before she speaks and is so wrapped up in her own life she never even asked how I was when our first attempt failed so I get where your coming from .Maybe then I think I’m over sensitive I’m a sensitive soul anyways I take everything to heart I get wrapped up in others being happy and successful that I sometimes forget I matter too .Thats why I’m so glad I found this forum it’s been a god send and if I can help with similar stories or just to say al will be ok then I feel good in myself too .So darling hang in there we are all a team here wanting the best for everyone and our time will come just god hasn’t reached us in the very long line of us poor ladies battling fertility issues we will get there he will touch upon us all soon we got to believe something right ?? Well that’s my belief chin up we ain’t alone here I’m rooting for ya xx
Don't take it too personally. I think a lot of people are extremely naive about ivf. I was too before I had to go through it. They might not understand what it involves or they might not be at that stage in their own lives where they can relate to your urge to have children (yoy mentioned relationship issues, pets/work etc, so sounds like you are a younger group??).
Just focus on yourself. Keep your mind calm. If they're not interested, confide in someone else, your partner/mum/sibling. And this network of people. Ivf is hard enough, you don't need the stress of issues with friends.
Best of luck to you.
I’ve given up trying to expect any support to be honest. I know that sounds melodramatic but people always have ‘ a friend’ who has had ivf and ‘a friend’ who has had a MC but never seem to really understand the ins and outs and mental trauma of it all. My latest tactic is not to tell anyone as it wasn’t helping things in the slightest! x
I have had the same experience with telling friends...they don’t understand the gravity of it and I’ve realised, can’t really be expected to understand it. Ive found no one really gets it unless they’ve been through it. I don’t talk to anyone about it now except my partner and I keep a couple of close colleagues aware of things as I need some flexibility with my schedule when I’m attending apts and procedures, etc. I feel a bit distanced from people generally, but I know it’s temporary. I’m using this time to focus on myself and prioritise what I need. I’ve learned that if you don’t look after yourself first, no one else will. And once you are actually pregnant, all of this will be forgotten as your friends will come from everywhere to celebrate you.
I’ve been on both side of it and I’m ashamed to say that I was the one being dismissive when a close friend went through ivf a couple of years ago. I didn’t really understand what they were going through and just wished her good luck etc. Now I’m going through ivf and she’s been such a wonderful friend to me and so understanding - I don’t deserve her. But most of my other friends are super lovely but just don’t get it. I think it’s as simple as if you’ve not been through fertility issues, you just don’t understand xxx
I get it! I just knew my friends would be the same and so I chose not to tell them, which is really sad to be honest. When I’m in a position to tell them, I know they will feel upset that I felt I couldn’t go to them. Im the friend that everyone turns to and in my time of need I felt very lonely.
I was lucky enough to be able to speak to a friend who has been through IVF herself. Id gone through years of trying, 6 months of Clomid and was about to start IUI and I just needed to talk to someone and I chose her. She was amazing, the only person I knew would fully get it and know the right things to say.
She encouraged me to tell my Mum, as up to then only myself and my partner knew. She also encouraged me to tell a few friends at work, because she knew I would need their support. I told my manager and closest friends and as difficult as it was for me, they’ve been amazing!
I think its about choosing who you know will be most supportive and not giving energy to those who arent. Its our whole lives after all 💗✨
I would really encourage you to take advantage of the access to councselling that clinics apprar to offer. It took me a bit of time to bother accessing it but it was so helpful. A lot of people cannot handle the complexity of this so I thibk that it is important to make sure you have that safe space to talk to someone who wont make you feel worse.
Lately this exact issue has really got to me too. And it is true, if you haven’t experienced it you will never understand. I have kind of accepted that people won’t get IVF, but I have a few friends how have said some very ill informed or ignorant things. The one that sticks with me was one (who at the time only had one child but now has three, no fertility issues there - oh and the babies just flew out no problem during labour too!) told me I was lucky as I didn’t know what tiredness was. I really wanted to say that sleepless nights crying into your pillow was I am sure just as exhausting and perhaps more painful than being woken up by your longed for and much loved baby. But I held my tongue. We should never presume to know what another’s journey feels like.
I have mostly only told very close friends and when we recently lost our IVF pregnancy at 10 weeks then felt I needed to tell people about the loss, as i knew I wouldn’t by myself for a while and people should know that. I started to feel honesty was the best policy. Since that (three weeks ago) only 2 of my friends have even checked in on me. That part I really am struggling to understand. Whilst people may not get the fertility piece we all experience loss at some point. But it astounds me that most people don’t seem to treat losing an unborn child as loss. You are just ‘unlucky’. And the number of people that tell you they know someone who got pregnant straight after a loss - did you not listen to the infertility part of our journey?! Platitudes when they further demonstrate someone hasn’t listened to your struggles i find hard to accept.
Sorry not a helpful post, more a rant.
Good luck
X
You are not being too precious at all. I really believe that during difficult situations, you discover who your dependable friends are.
My friends are the same. I just don’t think anyone can comprehend the physical and emotional stress unless you are doing it...which is why we are here ❤️
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