I think I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I am 5 days post lap for endometriosis and endometrioma removal. The aim is to try naturally now for 6 months and see how we go. I’m just feeling so sad today and can’t stop crying. I can’t stop thinking about family life with children and the fear it won’t happen.
I’m really sorry if this makes anyone feel bad but I’m struggling. Very few people know what is going on. I’m trying to be brave but I just feel like I’ve had enough.
It doesn’t help that the recovery means I can’t drive anywhere at the moment and I can’t do much for a few hours before the pain kicks in. I guess I’m just being impatient and feeling frustrated.
Xxx
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kitscat
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Aww hun some days are so incredibly difficult it’s okay to not be okay. Tomorrow is another day.
You’re very early in terms of recovery post laparoscopy, can’t go expecting too much from yourself ( not that I am one to talk) Try to distract yourself as much as possible ( easier said than done) get into a gripping box set etc. Even tho the scars are small doesn’t mean the work they done inside was. That’s the problem with keyhole surgery we underestimate what our poor bodies have been through.
I have endometriosis & I hope I can offer you a story of hope. I conceived naturally twice after treating my endometriosis- first was a chemical pregnancy ( fell first cycle after first lap) & the second was my 7 week old daughter ( fell 2 cycles after 3rd lap) It was a long painful journey it took 7 years of TTC & 3 surgeries but we got our miracle baby & so can you. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever faced but you know what when I look at my daughter i know it was the best thing we ever did & im proud we kept going. At times it can feel bleak but it’s great you’ve had the surgery it gives you a much better chance of falling. What I did when I found myself feeling desperate & out of hope was made a back up plan- we planned to try with clomid for 6 months, I also planned some blood tests ( for thyroid antibodies as tsh was raised but consultant wouldn’t issue meds unless antibodies were out) & decided we got do 1/2 rounds of self funded ivf. By having a plan of action I felt a lot better about the situation I’m sure that helped me relax & played a part of me conceiving although I’d never tell anyone to “just relax!!!!” because that is crap advice & how can you “relax” when you so badly want a baby. Having a plan did ease the pressure a bit for us both. I also stopped denying myself treats & even allowed myself a glass of wine at the weekend on my last 2WW!! I felt stress was more harmful than a small glass of wine. Obviously I haven’t touch a drop since I got a BFP.
Good luck with the trying I hope the surgery has done magic for you like it did me & brings your BFP very soon ❤️xoxo
Thank you so much for your reply. Your story gives me hope! Your surgeries were so worth it now you have a beautiful daughter 🥰🥰🥰
Why did you need 3 surgeries?
Yes I’m trying to keep distracted but it’s so hard as there are babies EVERYWHERE and most of my friends either have babies or are pregnant. It’s a crap disease. 😫
It is a truly awful disease. It felt like everyone could have a baby easily except for us, there were times where it felt it would never happen. I’m not sure how we kept going this site helped I guess there has to be a glimmer of hope that miracles do happen! At least we here understand how difficult journey it really is. Rant away it’s not fair some of us have to fight so hard to get pregnant! 🤬
After I had my miscarriage in July 2017 my endometriosis became worse it was hard convincing medics it had returned they dismissed that notion luckily my fertility doctor took my symptoms seriously & referred me for a scan which showed uneven lining so referred to a general gynaecologist who did a second lap yep i was right it was back but more as it was all over my bowel I was referred to a endo specialist that my fertility doctor knew. Finally it was all removed the first 2 laps the gynaes couldn’t as it required a Endo specialist. I was very unlucky that my endometriosis regrows so rapidly - first lap June 2017, second lap March 2018 & third lap July 2018. I didn’t have a long gap to fall pregnant I was very lucky to fall 2 cycles later my daughter is nothing short of a complete miracle. I don’t know how we got so lucky.
Anyway all the best & hope you don’t have to wait too long to get good news of your own very soon xoxo
Gosh you poor thing!! I’m so glad that you pushed for the repeat tests though! Well done you.
I agree a plan of action is so so important. So we have booked some holidays and I have rejoined the gym so I can get fit! That will help distract me I hope. We are aiming for 6 months of trying then back to IVF in feb otherwise. Trying not to get too upset and not thinking about it to allow us to continue with normal life. My husband is amazing!
My biggest fear at the moment is getting another ectopic but we won’t know until we try and we have done everything we can to prevent it! Positive thoughts!
It had been really helpful talking to you!
You did well catching so quick and I really hope the same thing happens for us!! Wishing you lots of joy with your daughter xx
It feels like pushchairs and pregnant women pop up out of cracks in the pavement doesn't it just to upset you when you want the same for you so badly and it's so bloody unfair!
It's perfectly normal to feel sad about things and it's so bloody unfair that you are denied something supposedly easy and natural and you feel angry thinking why me why should others get this easy when I don't and you feel like its not fair as I have had lots of times myself when I have felt like that and it's right no it's not fair is it?
You are right! And the prams, babies and pregnant people are everywhere! I think the frustrating bit is how long everything takes when having fertility treatment or just waiting for my next period.
Oh to be one of those lucky ladies who just thinks - my period is late, does a preg test and it’s positive then 9 months later gives birth! Ahhhhh!!!
My mum says I just need to deal with the hand I’ve been dealt. And I know I’m so so lucky in many other ways so I am grateful and fortunate. But my god it is a frustrating and traumatising journey! It can feels so suffocating too. Like my whole life is on hold. There is always “something” niggling me.
I’m so for my rant. But it felt good!!
This site is so helpful though as it stops me feeling so lonely!
Of course you are thankful for the things you have but it doesn't mean you can't be sad for the things you don't have and it's not very helpful when people say about accepting the hand you have been dealt when you are upset and any little thing will set you off as yes it's all so bloody unfair and frustrating and once I threw a file across the sitting room at home after I found I wasn't pregnant that month out of pure frustration so it's not just you who feels like that.
Sometimes I have visions of punching a pillow when I’m frustrated but can’t express this due to being in work, for example.
I’m thinking of taking up boxing. I’m watching a series at the moment where a woman has been cheated on by her husband and she has taken up kick boxing to help with her frustration! 😂 it looks effective 😂
Omg I have the violent fantasies too!! I want to smash a load of crockery on the floor really dramatically like in the movies, the only thing holding me back is the fact that I’d have to clean it up again 😆 yeah maybe I need to find an outlet.
Ha!!! This would put me off too. I think exercise would help. I’m going to start running when I’ve recovered from my laparoscopy.i think if I run as fast as I can and get really breathless it would help. I have screamed into a pillow before. That helped!!
Gosh I could have written the post just above!! Yep pregnant people everywhere. My mum also can’t quite understand and says things I consider inappropriate although I know she means well bless her. And this journey is traumatic for sure. I’m having a really low point the last few weeks, one night after being awake until 3am I was full of rage and desperation. I spent an hour on this site and made a hot chocolate and finally managed to fall asleep. This community is a life saver. Whilst a lot of our friends and family don’t understand what we’re going through the people here sure do. Love to all of us 😘
This community is definitely a lifesaver and I feel like I have a whole new support network.
I think my problem is not confiding in enough people. But the problem is I don’t want to be asked about it all the time. People probably just think I’m being moody. But I’m a very private person. I can feel myself growing away from my friends that are pregnant or have children. I just don’t want to be reminded of it all the time. I am happy for them and I maybe would feel more supported if I just confided in them. I don’t know.
It’s funny isn’t it how you can be ok for weeks and then all of a sudden the prospect of not having children hits like a wrecking ball and seems insurmountable.
I’m sure the pain and being stuck at home isn’t helping. I hope you have some weekend plans to distract yourself.
Endometriosis is such a horrible disease which doesn't seem to be understood by so many healthcare professionals.
We had unexplained infertility with all tests fine including HSG and several scans. We were on the waiting list for IVF but the last 18 months my periods had become horrendous needing time off work and very strong painkillers to get through. The fertility doctors seemed quite uninterested with this just saying all their tests looked fine but after reporting some rectal bleeding to my GP they referred me back to gynae. I'm so grateful that my case was picked up by the BSGE centre and one of the leading consultants. We met with him in January and he told us he would like to do a diagnostic laparoscopy as I had many symptoms but this would mean postponing our upcoming IVF so we decided with him to wait and to try one IVF round first as we were so close and already had waited for so long.
We started our IVF in April but during an internal ultrasound the doctor noticed what was thought to be fluid in one of my tubes. IVF was then postponed while I had another appointment with consultant, an in depth internal scan with the sonographer and then we were told there was definitely a problem with my left tube and they would need to refer me back for a laparoscopy before any further fertility treatment.
I had a laparoscopy at the BSGE centre at the start of July and when I woke up was told it was far worse than they expected from my symptoms. I have been diagnosed with stage 4 endo, its extensive on my bowel, bladder and a large area on the outside of my womb. I have had my left falopian tube removed, it was filled with toxic fluid and was actually being pulled behind my womb by the endo tissue. My right tube is partially blocked and not looking great for any natural conception. They have been brilliant and the fertility team have now put together a plan for me to go onto the prostap injection from August instead of just before IVF and hopefully this will give us the best chance of no more endo damage between now and starting another round in November.
Since the surgery I have recovered quite well, after the two weeks I was able to drive and am starting to get out and about a little more now. But I totally agree with what others have said - rest and take the time your body needs to heal throughout. I've had 2 new babies come to visit, been taken out for lunch by a friend and her 10 week old and been to a christening this month - each time I've come home and had a cry, same with when friends have put photos on social media of their first family holiday etc. It's shit. No other way of describing it. But just got to keep remembering 'that baby isn't mine, and that baby being here and things being so easy for so many other people isn't what is holding us back just now'.
As far as pain goes - take the painkillers! I loaded up on codeine, naproxen for a week and the pain specialist nurse at hospital recommended Fybogel sachets, fresh orange juice and oranges to help with the codeine constipation and that has really helped.
The positive of having the endometriosis has been it has been much easier to tell people and start that conversation about our plans for treatment (with the people we want to share with) and telling those who we aren't telling about the IVF has shut them up a bit, I no longer feel like if I don't drink I'll get the looks or questions - small silver lining to the very big cloud but it's something.
It's the waiting that is worse for me, every set back means months of waiting for an appointment etc etc but I really do believe the endometriosis is what has been stopping us conceiving naturally and hope this treatment will give me (and you) the best chances of conceiving, naturally or not, in the not so distant future! Before my operation the endo team were very hopeful for natural conception and said that the process of laparoscopy does help with natural conception so fingers crossed for you!!!!!
Sorry for the waffle! Think writing that down actually got it off my chest! 🥰 Wishing you all the best for a speedy recovery and lots of baby dust for the future xxxxx
I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling. Please remember it’s ok not to be ok! We have so much pressure to be positive and always alright but we al have days when it is too much. You’re dealing with so a lot. Feel how you need to, take comfort it that you’re going through the stages and the movements of improving your chances and you’re getting the treatment you need. Big hugs X xx
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