Fertility Network UK
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Just a down day!

I'm becoming increasingly reliant on this great forum for support from people who truly understand each other and am so grateful to be a part of it.

I'm still only just over a week in to my first cycle of ICSI and have been feeling pretty positive trying to relax and eat more healthily, then I get the news yet another friend is expecting.

I was focussing my mind on my future and the possibility that just maybe it might happen for us and then this feels like another blow. To make it slightly more upsetting somehow, the friend who is expecting was about to have IVF herself (although she'd gone privately as found it too hard ttc for a year) but then because she had 'relaxed' it just happened! We all have been told those stories and hope maybe that might be us but now this just adds to my list of failures. The other friend who broke the news to me then went on to say that despite the odds of IVF/ICSI, everyone she knows who has been through it has had a successful first cycle, so now I almost feel like I'm set up to fail again!

My husband tries to be supportive but doesn't really understand and over time this has driven a huge wedge in our relationship. He tells me not to worry and not to dwell on the negatives but surely I'm allowed to cry sometimes? This whole horrible journey can be so very isolating sometimes.

Does anyone have any tips for getting your OH to appreciate the pain that news like this brings without having to justify my emotions all the time?

I've booked a counselling session at our clinic in a few weeks time so I'm hoping someone else might be able to reassure him that I'm not just crazy!!

Sorry this is just a complete moan, but I don't feel I can get it out anywhere else!

Sending you all love xx

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Sorry your feeling so down, it is hard when you get told pregnancy announcements but don't ever see yourself as a failure. Sounds like your friend had a hard time conceiving and maybe if you spoke to her about how your feeling she might be a little more sensitive? I personally hate the 'just relax' phrase, we all know that if it was that simple we'd all be pregnant!

I often thought my hubby didn't feel the same pain but it turns out he's just trying to be strong for me but it can come across to me like he doesn't care. It's a tough journey which emotionally takes a lot out of you individually and as couple, try to maybe go out for dinner or do something away from fertility treatment where you can just enjoy each other's company. I always tell my hubby I need to go the beach when I'm really struggling - he now knows that's my 'I need to get away from this' phrase which along our journey has really helped.

Good luck for your cycle, sounds like counselling will be beneficial for you both xx

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Sorry for the (very) late reply and thank you for your message. We all have such ups and downs don't we, it's just heartbreaking that this cruel situation has the added kick of dividing even the strongest couples.

It does sound familiar though when you say your hubby tries to be strong for you and you read it like he doesn't care, I'm sure that's the same as me. Men and women really do deal with things very differently.

How are you getting on at the moment? X

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Hi Franco81. Oh it's so hard when you continually hear all the "lucky" stories, that you hear over and over again. Unfortunately, there's not a lot we can do about this, but just be careful who you spend you time with for now. Hopefully the counselling session will help and also advise you how to support one another too, just now. It's good to hear also, that you are getting support here from the others "who know". You can access information about Support Groups too, in your area, by going to our website fertilitynetworkuk.org and click on “How can we help you” – “For those trying to become parents” – support – fertility groups – England – then select the area you are looking for. Just really wanted to wish you well as you go through this cycle, and of course for success. Thinking of you. Diane

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Thank you very much Diane, I'm thinking about looking for a local support group so will check that out.

I guess I just have to try and take comfort from the 'lucky' stories and know that it's possible things will work out for us too.

X

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Not sure if this will help but I came across an article that may explain or provide insight into how men and women process these emotions differently waitingforbabybird.com/2016...

I was hoping I'd be one of those lucky people that felt pregnant naturally just before the IVF cycle but those hopes were dashed this week. It's so tough.

Also for your hubby (and you), I'd recommend watching the documentary Vegas Baby (it's on Netflix). I think we naturally do so much research and read the forums that we know a lot more than our husbands. After watching the documentary my DH said he better understood the whole process and the emotions/the heartache. (Granted we havent cycled yet so it was really eye opening for him). I guess seeing other people's outcomes which were not all positive made him realize that it might not be okay and might not turn out for us...

My husband usually says to not dwell on the negatives and although sometimes it just feels good to give in and let your mind spiral out of control I do appreciate his reminders that I shouldnt focus on the negative. There is a lot to be positive for. And yes we can cry and feel sorry for ourselves, deal with the emotions and really feel them but we also need to feel the good emotions, think of the positives and give that just as much attention as the negatives.

Hope that helps

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Wow abcgirl, that article is brilliant! I had a few tears reading it as it's so true (and also I'm an emotional wreck at the moment!). That could have been written about us and I'm sure about most of us. It's interesting to understand how different we are and I now see that I need to be a bit more positive to my husband too, he seems to get all the worst bits and I've slowly forgotten to look on the bright side of life!

He's currently reading the book 'Get a Life, his and hers survival guide to IVF' and keeps asking me things or commenting so I do know he is interested really. I've just been sad that we have had to go through this at all, for me and for him, it's so tough but I think accepting it and looking forward is all we can do and the most positive way to get through it together.

So do you know when you will be starting your first cycle? X

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We read that same IVF book as well and really opened our eyes to the whole process as well. I know he knows what's coming and cares and is sad he just expresses it differently I guess.

I feel the same - just a sadness that the joy that comes with falling pregnant is somewhat stained with all this. The spontaneity is gone. People say infertility changes you and remains with you even if you are successful. It's definitely a tough thing to go through as a couple and we can only hope it makes us stronger rather than break us apart. In the end I'd hate to loose a husband in the quest for a baby.

I'll be starting next month - baseline scan on Oct 9. My protocol came in the mail yesterday and I'll be on the short antagonist protocol so no down regulating for me. Egg retrieval is expected to be 3rd week of October. I thought I'd be sadder now that I've come to the inevitable but I'm actually quite excited and after almost a year of knowing this would likely be our fate I'm excited

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Hugs to you! You are not crazy, as having negative reaction or irritation to the news about someone who got pregnant while you're not IS NORMAL. You're not a robot, after all. Unfortunately, I've stopped any contacts with those of my friends who got pregnant naturally, while I was having another IVF cycle. Cause it's just painful :(

And please don't think that the first cycle must be successful. I've been on many forums and can assure you that most ladies were getting pregnant only after 2 or 3 cycles. So don't be hard on yourself if it will fail, because it's also normal.

Nevertheless, I really hope that you will win this battle! And I know that counselling session will help you and your husband to better understand and support each other! Loads of baby dust to you!

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Thank you Hannah, talking to all you lovely ladies does give me the reassurance that this is a normal way to feel. I really just need me and my husband to be ok, infertility is such a test for any relationship but we're not going to let it beat us! I keep thinking if we get through this (on top of all that has already happened to us since getting married) the rest of our life will be a breeze and we can get through anything!

Where are you in your journey? Sending you lots of luck too xx

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Thank you! I'm going to need this luck soon. But now I'm putting myself back together after the news that my chances to get pregnant are very very low :( I am miserable and try to throw myself into my work. Right now I don't really want anything, but my husband made me promise to consider surrogacy, and I really wanted to kill him for this idea! But our fertility doc confirmed yesterday that surrogacy might be the only option to have a child of my own. This thought makes me a little bit more optimistic, but I'm not in that place right now...

I know I shouldn't ask, but maybe you have some advice for me?

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Oh hunni

Ii can be so hard when we hear of others good news, can feel like a stab in the heart. But remember YOU ARE NOT a failure, none of this is your fault. I hate it when people say just relax, when you stop trying it will happen. I don't think they think before they speak sometimes it drives me mad. I don't think the men in our lives fully understand the pain infertility brings us. My husband isn't very good at showing his emotions so doesn't always know how to handle mine. I think counselling is a good idea and hopefully it will draw you closer together. Good luck with your journey xxx

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Thank you so much for your lovely message. It's so hard not to feel like a failure sometimes though isn't it. And I do feel for my hubby though, sometimes I'm coping ok then the next minute I'm not coping at all! He doesn't know what he's gonna come home to most of the time.

I'm trying to be gentle with him and with myself though and hopefully this counselling will help us to understand each other better. One way or another we will come through this together.

I hope things are going well for you, and good luck xx

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Hi there - I was on a real downer this week too. A friend of friend announced her second (effortless) pregnancy, and I've tied myself in to going to my friend's little girl's party, which I'm now dreading because it'll be a party full of mums and their kids and the questions will inevitably flow. I really do feel the kick in the stomach that comes with another pregnancy announcement. I'm trying to deal with it by reminding myself that another pregnancy doesn't mean less of a chance for me - there aren't a certain number of pregnancies given out every month. Believe me, when I'm stuck down the rabbit hole, that rational line of thought stays a long way out of reach, and the resentment towards all the fertile ones really flows. My supportive other half doesn't really understand the complex and deeply troubling emotions that this all brings out, but I've really found that this forum and speaking to people who truly understand these awful lows really helps. Hang on in there, and give yourself time to let the clouds lift, and when you're ready, get out there and fight another day. Sending lots of love and positivity xxx

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Hi Franco,

Im so sorry that you have to go through all that but you are not alone. I and hubby are also going through ivf icsi and microtese because hubby is azoospermic. It is a very tough journey, i try to be positive most days but sometimes i just break down. I have a few days of injections remaining and after my trigger my hubby will go into surgery. The most challenging part is that we will not be accepting donor sperm so incase there is no sperm found we have to cancel the cycle. The thought of it alone is draining and it is sometimes not easy to even relate to each other but still we try to be hopeful and pray that all works out well.

Good luck to you my dear. Do things that make you happy and days will pass by smoothly.

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You know, with my oh he really didn't take our problems that seriously until he saw the state of me after a laparoscopy, after 25 months of trying. We then had a mc within 8 wks, and after that he really changed his tune and realised that it actually was a serious problem. I've felt much more supported since then but it was a shame it had to get so bad. I don't know if, as a couple, you ever both reach the same place at exactly the same time in terms of how you feel about something. We've just tried hard to keep in mind that each other's feelings are real and important. Sorry not to be able to be more help.

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