I joined this group because my daughter is struggling with infertility and I was looking for ways to support her. My daughter was diagnosed with PCOS, she is on an ivf journey but has had 3 ectopic pregnancies conceived naturally. Her first FET was unsuccessful , this second FET was successful and got to 6 weeks but she miscarried yesterday after her first scan. She is broken and it feels so cruel.
I have come in this group many times to find hope and answers but today I am asking for advice from everyone on how best to support her through this journey. Any suggestions that you think can help is greatly appreciated.
Wishing you all the very best
From the mother of an IVF/infertility warrior
Written by
Ira1916
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hello just wanted to reach out to say that I am also mum to an ivf warrior and I didn’t realise how hard it us for us mums, we just want to see how children happy and for me it was the feeling of helplessness in the situation, which before she went though this journey I had no idea the struggles people so sadly go through . I found the best way to support her was just being there when she needed me and to help her focus on the next plan of action and not dwell too much on what had happened so far. X
Thank you so much for reaching out, I really appreciate it. I too had no idea that this journey would be so brutal. Just seeing the scan a few days ago made her so happy and than to just lose that hope in just a few short hours. I am feeling so helpless, I can give her everything but I can’t give her the beautiful experience that I have felt being her mum.
I have been researching and we been putting together an action plan. Thanks again for reaching out, it is such a lonely journey for us too. I am send love and positive energy to you and your daughter.
If she is able to afford to I would definitely recommend immune testing, my daughter had four losses and if she hadn’t had the test she would have been able to keep getting pregnant but not able to carry, and each time the heart ache gets harder. Thankfully with immune therapy my daughter is now pregnant with twins. Praying that your daughter can get a plan in place so she can focus on her next steps and so sorry for her loss and yours (when I say to people how heartbroken it was with my daughter lost between 4-6 weeks, they didn’t realise all the future plans not only she but the rest of the family had made ) x
Thanks so much. I will definitely pass this message unto her so they can look into immune testing. If you haven’t been through it you wouldn’t understand. 6 weeks of happiness, planning and anticipation just turn into heartbreak 💔 thanks so much I really needed this.
Hello - so lovely of you to reach out to try and help your daughter ❤️
From my experience the thing that really kept me going was to plan ahead for the next one. I did a lot of research and found things that I wanted testing for next time. This helped me focus and not dwell.
But also, it's fine to dwell and feel crappy. Its her prerogative - I would suggest a spa day or something pampery to just relax. You never really feel like you can forget but it does get easier with time for sure.
Thank so much, the only way is forward. Today she is up and fighting, she has her moments when she needs my reassurance and advice. I have been researching and so has she and her fiancée. They will have a weekend break away to recover a bit. I wanted to be able to support her best and hearing someone who has been through this is helpful. Thanks again
It’s lovely to see you on here being so supportive of your daughter ❤️.
From experience of not having a so supportive family (I’m not blaming them as they just can’t understand), it is to continue to support her in any next decision she makes. For example, if she was advised to do donor eggs but wants a last shot at her own, then 100% support her in that decision. Remind her that’s it’s her body and her decision, and she can’t live to regret not doing something 🥲.
I don’t have that support from my mum as she can’t understand why I’d want to do IVF after I had my miracle baby last year (and my partner also isn’t that encouraging), so I really do miss that person advocating for me x
Hi, I am so saddened by the thought of you not having the support for your family, ivf is such a tough journey . I love her so much I couldn’t imagine not being there for her. Hopefully when she is ready to move forward we can discuss how she want to proceed. Wishing you all the very best and thanks so much for you reaching out.
Hi Ira1916. Hope you’re as well as possible. So sorry to hear about your angel grand baby. The world is so cruel. I too have polycystic ovaries. It took me 2 years to get pregnant and I also lost my baby. I’ve been feeling so lost since. I’ll be praying for your daughter, partner and you for your healing and when your daughter is ready, I hope that she can have her little miracle. I think just being there for her is all you can do and that is enough ❤️
Thanks so much for your kind words. So sorry for your loss, keeping you in my prayers. I am standing by her and doing a lot of research too. I pray you will have your little miracle soon. Thanks again
Thank you. I joined a webinar for PCOS and it was with a nutritionist. There was a lot of helpful information shared about diet and supplements that can reduce inflammation and high androgens in women with PCOS. Following this, I had a blood test and my testosterone had reduced significantly and is now in the normal range. I thought a lot of it was a myth and wouldn’t work for me, but it has for my hormones. I’m hoping this can help me to conceive again. When your daughter is ready, maybe this is something she can try if she hasn’t already x
Hi Ira1916, so nice to see you on here - a totally different perspective but difficult for you too I imagine! I think the fact you are on here trying to figure out how to support her probably means you are doing enough if I'm honest. It means alot to have people on your side. In terms of practical support, if it was my mum on here I'd want someone to be saying just to react to her and to know things change on a day to day basis, so don't expect her to plan things in advance or to be in the same humour as she was yesterday. Organising things to do together which she can look forward to but can be cancelled last minute if needed without guilt is a good tip too. Also, it is natural to do this but I would try not to tell her it will all be OK - when I hear this all it makes me think is that the reality is that it might not work out for me. Hope that helps and good luck to you all xxx
Hi WillowPark, thanks so much, I really appreciate your advice. As her mum I feel so lost sometimes but just reading your message have helped me a lot. I tell her “it will be ok” a lot without even thinking, thanks for pointing this out. Thanks so much for responding.
Hello! This touched my heart. I have had multiple failed FETs too and, my mom was the best support system ever. And, I am so touched that you are there for your daughter. I cried, I laughed, I had fits, I had moods and my mom was with me through it all. She was also the first person we told after we crossed the 12 week marker after I got pregnant after multiple tries.
Just continue being there for her. And, let her go through all the emotions- that helps. I think you need to go through it to feel better. Cry if you want to cry, scream if you must, just go through it. And be there for it all. You are an amazing mom.
I wish her and you the best of luck. Lots and lots of baby dust your way. xxxx
Hi Christianbaby. I cried reading the message, your message gave me so much hope. Thank you so much for your kind words. I try to be the mum I wanted and never had. I really needed the read this at the very moment. She is in bit but I just hug and support her. My heart aches for her but these messages remind me that there is hope. All the very best to you and family
So lovely of you to join this group- from personal experience- make her dinners (something she can easily put in the oven), offer to clean for her and don't ask personal questions i.e status of her bleeding and probing into how she is feeling. Don't pressure her to talk about things until she is ready. Just being on hand to help practically would be a huge help to her. Let her sit on the sofa and not lift a finger x
Ira1916 I was going to respond to you but hoping_for_our_time said exactly what I was going to say. A little ashamed to say I sometimes snap at my mum when I’m not in a great place, and sometimes I just don’t engage in conversation, but as I’m sure you can relate to, she just sort of ignores it and carries on just being there. This week I had a bad day and just wanted a sausage roll (yes I know I sound nuts!) but there she was with sausage rolls! Sometimes it’s just the little things. Hope your daughter gets and you get your child/grandchild soon. Sending 👶🏼 ✨
I will bear these little tips in mind because as a mother I am so concerned that with all good intentions, we ask questions which might just hurt. I am so grateful to you all, I felt so lost and alone and thought I would seek answers for you amazing warriors who understands the most. Thanks again
Hi! I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. I completely agree with what others have said before - the fact that you're on here asking questions and desperate to help in any way you can will mean the world to your daughter.Sometimes I feel that my mum is hurting just as much as me on my journey to be a mother, and that hurts too. The first time I fell pregnant I told her early on that she was going to be a grandmother. I will never ever forgive myself for telling her that as we lost the baby a matter of weeks later. Since then it's been a roller-coaster of tests and uncertainty, now facing ivf in the new year.
At times I have felt like I'm going mad with the grief. My mum copes with floods of tears, tantrums, rage, a daughter who is an absolute shell of who she was before and quite frankly isn't interested in anything that she used to be interested in. But she is there through it all, she doesn't have the answers but she is there. Any time of day or night, just to listen. And I know she understands and feels the hurt that I do and that is something I can't say for many people in my life. So what I'm trying to say is, I think you are being everything you can be for your daughter right now by just supporting her and allowing her to feel what she needs to feel and not trying to "fix" what she's feeling. Wishing you both all the best, take care x
Hi Yuki33, I send love and all the positive energy I can muster. You said it perfectly, my darling baby girl is a shell of herself and it breaks my heart. This journey has been brutal. I am standing with her every day and just letting her know that I am here for her in any way possible. Thanks again
I found the best support from my mum is she is there to listen when I need to talk and she never asked how was the progress to stress me. She never gave me advices but she will tell me her thoughts when I ask her. We struggled for infertility and miscarriages for 5 years to have my son. She is the only person except my husband I wants to talk about this subject during these 5 years. My mum is my mental support. I don't like to talk to my friends or other relatives about this because it is a bit private and i am worried everyone will know and ask you to stress you. Most of time, good attention is hurting a lot! Now we are trying for sibling and I had a miscarriage again. She is here to help me to take care my son while we need to go to hospital. What I like her the most is she never gave us her advices but only supports us when we need in the way we need. I love her and she is really really my support during this hard journey!
SCHNOW thanks so much and so sorry for your loss. I just listen to her, console her and be there whenever she needs me. So happy you have just mum’s support. Sending you baby dust
Hi Ira! I am really sorry about what you and your daughter are going through. IVF can be such a soul crushing experience! I have PCOS too and found reading a few books about it helped me make lifestyle and dietary changes that improved the condition. I read '8 Steps to Reverse your PCOS' and 'The PCOS Plan: Prevent and Reverse PCOS'. I also really benefited from 'It all starts with the egg' whilst undergoing IVF. Has your daughter done any thyroid testing? In addition to PCOS I also have hypothyroidism, which makes implantation harder and have come across suggestions that the two sometimes come together. Very best of luck to you and your daughter! Don't give up, there is hope along the journey. With lifestyle and dietary changes, I managed to conceive in our third round of IVF.
Hi Eloquentia. Thanks so, so much for giving some ideas on the books to read. I have bought 2 of the books you suggested and sent it to her ( 8 steps to reverse your PCOS and It all Start with the egg). She has asked me to join her on a lifestyle change journey as her support. We start today, so the holiday looks so much different. This gives her something to focus on, anyway I can help. No she has not don’t any thyroid tests but I will suggest this to her, as she is open to anything that can help. Thanks again and all the very best to you too.
Hi I am also supporting my daughter who is going solo on her IVF journey aged 40. She also has PCOS and takes Metformin. Just about to start her fourth ( and she says) final round having had 2 failed and 1 miscarriage. The change in her emotionally is quite stark and so my support has had to also change. I listen more, I make suggestions and try to subtlety prepare her for both possible outcomes. I had no idea of the trauma IVF can cause - its brutal on mind and body. Those of us who have blessed with natural fertility are very fortunate. All you can do is be her mum and help prepare her for whatever the outcome may be with gentle honesty and lots of love.
Beingamum23 so true the ivf journey is brutal. As a mum I have learned so much. I am standing with her with all my strength, fellow mum. I am love and positive energy towards you both with loads of baby dust
What a wonderful caring mummy you are!I was fortunate enough to have a very supportive mother during my IVF struggle. We spent 3 years before finally getting our miracle baby on our 3rd transfer.
I also suffered a miscarriage on my first and the utter delight and relief of that positve result but then followed by a loss is utterly heartbreaking. Like others have said... I coped by focusing on the next transfer. I also had a plan on what to do next ... for example considering donor sperm or even donor embryos if that didn't work. Thankfully our little boy came from our own embryos and is now a thriving 9 month old. There is hope for your daughter... and she needs to remember that despite it being a difficult journey , more couples do eventually get there in the end than does who sadly don't.
After our loss my husband and I went away for a spa weekend and to Alton Towers (enjoyed lots of things I couldn't have done if I was pregnant.)
I wish you and your daughter all the best. Christmas in particular is a hard time. It might help to have a social media break as I found that quite triggering seeing everyone's happy family posts. Good luck!!! Xxx
Sarascottxox thanks so much of your message and wishes. Your message gives me hope. My daughter and her fiancé have planned a little getaway for January, which will be so good. We has a family are just going to go at her pace for this holiday season and allow her time to grieve. After so much disappointment she have tried to stay away from social media as seeing some post have been very upsetting. Continue to enjoy your precious gift and enjoy the holidays. Thank again will your best wishes.
So sorry to hear your daughter’s going through this. Having just had a missed miscarriage a week ago I know and understand how cruel it is and how she might be feeling.
For the first two days I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I just needed to cry and accept my grief.
I am lucky to have a big support network of friends and family who sent me lovely messages, some sent flowers or care packages. It was enough to just know I am so loved and cared about.
My mum wanted so much to visit just to give me a big hug… but I wasn’t ready. We spoke on the phone and I let her know that my husband was looking after me well.
After those initial couple of days I made the choice that I did want to see close friends and family and try and resemble some kind of normality but on my terms.
I think having a break from ivf, especially over Christmas is needed. Though I know some people want to plan their next steps for me I just want to forget about it for a few weeks. Once I’ve had time to reflect and feel ready then we’ll see.
I know I’m not ready to give up on this journey just yet and just knowing I’ve got the support makes me feel like it’s still achievable. Just a slightly longer road than I’d wanted.
hello Ira. As a person who lost their mum a few months before a miscarriage and who wishes she was still here to have helped me through ivf - the fact you are there, giving her love and security is all you need to do. I know my mother would have cooked me dinners and gave me a big hug and helped me consider the next step after I grieved. And that would have meant the world. You are doing enough and I am so sorry your daughter and by extension, you, are going through this painful journey. I hope you’ll get your happy ending. ❤️
Clayhugs thanks so much and I am so sorry to hear you lost your mum. It breaks my heart to know you don’t have your her, especially at such a difficult time. I am sending you all the love and prayers for your happy ending
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