So it has now been a month since we found out our little baby's heart had stopped beating. It's been 3 and a half weeks since we opted for medical management as I suffered a missed miscarriage. I guess part of my post is about hope and strength. I have been having therapy sessions to support me in managing my emotions which have really helped. I just want to say to everyone thats going through this that it does get better...... essay time!
I'll never forget the day we had a scan and were told those 4 devastating words... there is no heartbeat. That day I honestly felt like I would never be able to breathe again, I've heard people say that heartbreak is physical and I truly believe that... I felt my heart break into pieces, I felt pain like I've never felt, I felt hopelessness that I've never felt. That day I didn't think I would ever get out of bed again.... but I have. Life goes on but it's not easy. Each day is better than the day before, I search for something good in each day. There is hope and I'm starting to feel it, I'm still grieving our loss and will never forget the baby that we lost, the IVF process took all my might but I survived, this miscarriage took all my strength to get through but I'm surviving. We have been to hell and back in the longest, most traumatic month of our lives but you know what? We have come out fighting, we are stronger than we have ever been. I love my husband more now than ever and I didn't think that was possible. A month ago I was ready to let this defeat me.... to lie down and just let it overtake everything but I'm not. I'm going to fight through this as there is hope and light and we will get our happy ending.
My therapist asked me a really good question that I think is important for all of us TTC and going through crap.... how far would you go? When is enough enough? Currently I'm not at that point yet. But the one thing I'm not willing to lose is my husband and our relationship. He's been my best friend, my everything for 15 years and we have had a happy life. We yearn to be parents so so badly but I want him to father my children and if that's not in God's plan then I won't let it destroy us. I'll do almost anything for us to be parents but I won't lose us... that's my perspective.
Thanks for reading all.... sorry its sooo long.
Find strength from something or someone. You got this ladies! Don't lose yourself along the way! Xx
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Yes I have found times I have been heartbroken that I have felt physically unwell as well in myself.
Missed miscarriages are exceptionally cruel as you don't know anythings wrong until you go to the scan to be told that the baby has died whereas with miscarriage when you bleed you have some kind of idea somethings wrong but still it's a right blow when it happens either way as you are looking forward to having a baby and then its all snatched away from you like that and it hurts.
It's still early days for you yet a month out and you will know in yourself when you are ready to try again if that's what you want to do.
The physicality of all of it is a really tough thing to deal with alongside all your emotions isn't it? Wishing you lots of luck on this crazy journey too x
What I do my best to do is to live my life the best I can trying to pretend ivf isn't there and doing my best to take on board that it isn't some be all and end all of life but theres times when it's difficult to stay positive though.
I love your post! I can really identify. We did get to the point where enough was enough a couple of years ago. Our marriage was more important. I remembered our vows and that we chose to get married before starting a family. We chose each other without the knowledge of children being in our future and we hoped they would be. Like you I believe there is a plan. We’re now being guided towards adoption. We’re super excited to be heading down this path and I absolutely believe God is with us on this journey. I just wanted to say keep up your courage. I pray you will be successful but know there are other paths that can bring joy. xxx
I have chosen not to let this define me. I don't want to lose me and who I am. That's too bigger price to pay. And like you say... our vows were that we would be together no matter what. Some couples are put through situations that should tear them apart but it's how you get through it with your love, faith and strength in each other.
Undoubtedly this whole situation has changed us and shaped us in a different way and I feel like a piece of me is missing but I also feel like this will make me a better person, a stronger person too. Wishing you lots of luck on the next part of your journey. What's coming is more than you could have expected and will be so well deserved xx
Wow what an inspiration you are. I absolutely agree and resonate with your strong relationship with your husband and unwillingness to have the issue be the be all and end all. It’s so hard to concentrate on anything but during the ivf before during and after process. Amazing post keep strong I admire you xx
I think it's so easy to lose sight of why you started the journey and who you were before. I did lose sight and I did lose parts of me along the way. I don't think we truly give ourselves the credit we deserve for going through such a difficult process. IVF is hard but we are constantly just thinking about what next and not what we have just been through. There are so many of us who never look back and relfect on it all... we too busy looking forward and worrying about the future.
I'm glad that you may have found some inspiration from my post and I hope it gives you comfort for wherever you are in your journey. Feel free to message me if you want to talk. Good luck xx
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