So today my boss told me that she had received an application I’d filled out to work towards a higher band in work and then said that due to my ‘fertility issues’ and ‘upcoming IVF’ she felt that it was best I withdrew it. She didn’t ask how I felt or ask if I can manage the studying etc. She is not saying given everything I have going on I can do x,y and z to support study and increased opportunities. She said she didn’t want to stress me out further with study and then followed it up with ‘it must be awful not being able to have children when you want them so badly’. I then cried in front of her. I’m so embarrassed and it just completely took me aback. It’s made me angry too. It didn’t feel supportive it felt off to me. I even know how to describe it, just left a bad taste in my mouth. I’m on a waiting list for IVF so I’ve not even got a start date. Sorry to rant, I just don’t know what to do with it really.
Boss not accepting an application for... - Fertility Network UK
Boss not accepting an application for career advancement because of ‘upcoming IVF’
Appeal the decision, just because you have fertility issues does not mean you can’t do your job or apply for a higher position. Girl wipe them tears away and appeal the decision and show her how capable you are.
I agree going for ivf is extremely emotional but as you have not even started yet i would grab the opportunity at work and you could always step down if it gets too much for you.
Explain to her that you have thought about what she had said and the reason you got so upset is because she didn’t give you a chance to show off how capable you are. Not being able to have children makes you stronger not weaker. This forum is absolutely amazing so more ladies will be able to help you. Sorry im not much help just reading your post made me upset about the attitude your manager has. Xxxx
Oh no!! This is not acceptable at all!! It's not her decision to make.
IVF is a long drawn out process or can be and she doesn't know your time lines for treatment.
I'd make a formal complaint as that is discrimination!
I'd be angry too.
Xx
If you think you’re capable of doing the work, I’d put the application back in again and speak to your boss to let her know what you’ve done and why.
Although it’s great if she’s trying to be considerate and helpful, its not really her place to decide how much stress you can or can’t manage.
I have a physically and mentally challenging specialist job in healthcare and I actually found that my work helped me get through my IVF as it took things off my mind and helped me channel my energy into helping other people rather than worrying too much about what was going on with me. I completed all my annual development objectives and did an additional leadership qualification during my IVF and subsequent pregnancy and wouldn’t change that if I had my time again.
By all means if you feel you need to ease back on your career to focus on your treatment then you should do so but if not, go for it. If you find you’re not being treated fairly, seek advice from HR or whoever is most appropriate to support you. Good luck xxx
Hi, I couldn’t read this and run. I haven’t experienced this but have experienced trouble at work with lack of support. I work for the NHS as well! That is discrimination and illegal if you look at employment law. Don’t let the get away with that. Are you with a union? X
Yes I am with a union. My husband is raging over it too. Just thought I was being stupid for feeling angry over it
I’d go straight to your union. X
Definitely go to your union - I don’t think what she did is legal, or at the very least puts your employer on incredibly shaky ground.
Completely agree - consult your union, that is what they are there for. I’m sure she doesn’t realise or intend it but this is at best ignorance and at worst straight up discrimination xx
That such a shame that you have had a lack of support. I work for the NHS and everyone who knew about my treatment and pregnancy were fantastic. Couldn’t have done it without the support I got from work.
The staff I work with on the ward that I’ve told have been fantastic just my manager. She has been supportive in that she has said about it not being a problem to swap shifts about for apt’s etc. I don’t know if I’m making a mountain out of a molehill
You’re not.
Unfortunately that is discrimination. If you work for the NHS then i am sure it is laid down quite clearly under discrimination as you are being treated differently to others. However, I would not necessarily go straight to your union. I would as another poster suggests put your application straight back in. And tell your manager that you appreciate her concern however, you are confident that you are able to complete the study whilst undergoing the treatment. Explain that unfortunately IVF is a long drawn out procedure in the Uk and that you have no dates as yet and do not wish to put your life on hold. Explain to her the reason you cried last time was disappointment in what she had said and her following it by saying it must be awful not being able to have children. Tell her it is awful and unfortunately their is a big club of women who are challenged by this and therefore have to undergo ART but it does not mean we are handicapped and life must go. And you need to get on with earning a living and progression.
I understand how her behaviour has left a aftertaste but the realities are you need to work with her. You do not not need a long drawn out tribunal dispute, you need to progress at work if not only for yourself but the money and you need to concentrate on being in the right space to conceive.
I wish you all the best.
You really should speak with hr as they wouldn’t say that of you were pregnant that’s so awful! Your manager is so in the wrong! Please take it further! X
Thing is she didn’t say ‘I’m not accepting it’ she said I would strongly advise you against it. She said this week she was going to go through the applications and write to those that were successful and those that weren’t. She basically intimated that I wouldn’t get it anyway regardless of whether I withdrew or didn’t. She said to me ‘if you didn’t have all this going on, you’d be at the top of the list’ and told me I was ‘valued’ told me I was a bit ‘off’ before my annual leave it was noticeable to her because usually I’m ‘on fire’ and when she’d asked me to do some mundane admin task before I went on AL she had to remind twice which isn’t like me apparently.🙄🙄. The more I think about the things she said to me the more pissed off I get. She said next year when it opens again I’ll get a guaranteed spot if I’m ‘in a good place.’ Shes very careful to make it seem like it’s my idea and that she’s being supportive. I’m worried I’m reading too much into it
Now you’ve explained further, this sounds even worse! So if you weren’t having IVF you’d be the best person for the role but as you are, you shouldn’t even apply?! 😱 She’s completely set herself up there as if you keep your application in and don’t get a place when she’s said you’d otherwise be at the top of the list, it’s clearly discrimination.
Totally up to you about whether you want to apply but next year you might be a) pregnant (hopefully!) or b) having more IVF so I’m not sure how she feels things will be different or better then...?
I think she means if I wasn’t so emotionally affected by IVF I’d be the best person for the role and she didn’t want to put any ‘extra stress on me.’ She then said about how she could refer me to occ health if I felt I needed counselling etc when I start IVF so I’m totally confused with her intentions. After today, part of me just thinks screw it. I can’t be bothered with the hassle but another part of me is angry. I’ve got an appointment with fertility consultant on Thursday and I don’t need her backhanded compliments or mind games this week! It’s rubbish. 😢 x
I think my issue with this is that she’s decided you’re emotionally affected enough to affect your work. If you’d gone to her previously and said you were struggling emotionally then it’d be really good of her to offer to refer for counselling and I could understand why she might suggest it’s maybe not a good time (still your choice though).
Equally if she’d noticed that your work performance is affected she should have met with you already to address this and offer support rather than wait for you to submit this application. Even if it’s coming from a place of genuine concern it’s not up to her to decide how much ‘stress’ you can manage. Hope you feel able to do what genuinely feels best for you whatever that is xx
I don’t think I’ve let it effect my work to be honest, she has said that i just seemed ‘a little off’ on a shift. She says I will be emotional during IVF and she doesn’t want to put pressure of study on me. I’m off tomorrow so I’m going to sleep on it I think and decide what I want to do tomorrow. xx
No one knows how they’ll feel until they go through IVF. Some have problems with the drugs, some don’t. Personally I don’t think I was that much different and could of probably handled most things. During the 2ww you get protected by law as they have to treat you as pregnant until proved otherwise (my manager had me fill out the form for Occ Health for pregnant women as he didn’t want me doing anything to jeopardise things although I do work with chemicals and heavy loads, luckily most of the chemicals I use don’t impact babies). Luckily for me I didn’t have to contend with a failed cycle as my first worked so I can’t comment on how that would feel but if you really want a promotion then go for it, IVF is no guarantee and life can’t be put on hold per say (although it does feel like that at times when TTC!) Wishing you all the best whatever you decide and happens x
Omg, this is sexual discrimination and as others have said, illegal! If you took legal action and won, I believe compensation is uncapped (applies to gender, race, sexual orientation, disability) so it might be worth taking advice or at least presenting her with that info! She probably doesn’t realise what trouble she has set herself up for. I’d say meet with her, prep all the info you need for stating your case, and calmly explain that she is discriminating against you, and why you feel you should be considered for it.
I’m livid on your behalf!xxx
What an awful attitude your boss has! I don’t have any experience to give you advice but hope you still put that application in and get the promotion you’re looking for! Good luck! X
This is awful! I can’t believe this is ok- if you’re in a union then I would contact them, otherwise maybe talk to ACAS?
What an absolutely awful person...please do not let her get away with this... tell her that you will not withdraw and speak to your union... good luck my lovely xxz
Hi Charleexn 2, I agree with most of the posters on here - I am an employment lawyer and this is definitely out of order. I’d raise a formal grievance (the comments are insensitive - the loss of a chance simply because your going through IVF, I suspect it may be indirect sex discrimination too. Definitely do something if you feel you can do the job xx
Pretty sure that is illegal. You should make sure the conversation is documented as best as possible asap while its still fresh in your mind. And appeal the decision/seek advice from union.
Thank you all for your support. I totally questioned myself over it and all of your input has made me feel that I’m not making a mountain out of a molehill. I agree that she is in the wrong but I don’t think I’m emotionally robust enough just now to fight it. 😢. It upsets me that she knows that too! In the meantime I will make sure that if she wants to have a ‘catch up’ with me again I take someone in with me! Thank you so much all xxxx
Bless you, I understand that it’s extra stress you don’t need now. But please don’t be bullied by her. It really annoys me when women don’t support each other at work. Do what’s right for you sweets xx
The key part is her phrase "if you didn’t have all this going on, you’d be at the top of the list". Absolute discrimination already, even if your application is not rejected this is not supportive language at all. Write everything down that you've said here, send to your HR team and copy your union. Better to do it now before she decides on the results. Everyone has something going on in their personal lives - you didn't have to share this information at work when you haven't even started the process yet, but because you have chosen to share it then she is considering your application differently, which is totally wrong. If you can face her, just politely tell her that you'd still like your application to be considered. When you have your ivf, you will get counselling offered with that. Her only concern should be whether you are capable of doing the job, and as she's made it clear already that she thinks you are, if she rejects your application she is on extremely dodgy, probably illegal ground. It will take some strength to raise this - get some union advice and do it all in writing if you can't manage face to face at the moment, and definitely have someone with you for any meetings xx
Unbelievable! I would speak to her and say that her reasons behind her advice/decision are unacceptable and you do not feel supported by her at all. I'd explain the process is very personal and individual and peoples opinions on how they think you should be dealing with it or how they imagine you are feeling are not helpful. If she doesn't give you the support you need I'd go to HR. I'm so angry for you, it's unacceptable for your manager to have a conversation with you like that.
Oh my goodness, can’t believe what I read! This is definitely discrimination hun, definitely go to your union or speak to HR or even a lawyer about this! Just because you are on a list for IVF does not mean you cannot do a job properly involving more training. Some people breeze through IVF and it doesn’t affect them at all, she cannot assume it will make you less able to do a job properly. It’s the same as if you were pregnant, they cannot do that! Her saying “if you didn’t have all this going on you’d be top of the list” is blatant discrimination and I am pretty sure you have a case for grievance on your hands. She cannot say that! Imagine if she didn’t know about your fertility issues, you kept if completely from her - you’d be getting the new position! Crazy.
I understand why you feel upset and angry hun. Hope you can get some advice on this xxx
What??? That is terrible. There is no reason whatsoever that she can attribute any career advancement or otherwise to fertility, you are either good at your job or not. What a creep she is.
I can’t believe this has happened to you. If you are confident that you can cope with the work load then do not withdraw your application. You need to tell your boss how she’s made you feel. Her approach to this is not appropriate at all. An appropriate dialogue should have been focused on how she could support you to pursue this advancement.
However, if you have any doubts that this could cause you extra stress then do take time to reflect and seriously consider if this is what you want to take on right now. It is easy to throw ourselves into a new challenge when life is challenging. This can be a great way to deal with stuff but be sure it is right for you at this moment. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. I’m talking from my own experience but you maybe more resilient than me! 😊
Good luck Xx
This decision cries of someone who has very little understanding of the ivf process.
I am now 3 years down the line from my first ivf appointment and at many points have found that I’ve been putting my life on hold ‘just in case’ I get pregnant. I really regret it now and think back on what I could have achieved in that time.
It’s true that IVF takes over your life to a certain degree but that’s why it’s even more important that (if you have the opportunity), you can do other things to make yourself feel you’re achieving something!
I really hope it works out for you first time. Don’t let ivf stop you from pursuing other dreams xx
I can’t believe what I’ve just read! I would definitely take the advice of all of the ladies above - speak to HR and your union. If you hadn’t been open and honest about your IVF journey she would be none the wiser and so it shouldn’t effect her decision making. It sounds like she is being quite manipulative and trying to make it sound like it’s in your best interests.
Good luck. You’ve got this. X
raging for you..this is one of the many things I hate anout ivf...you wouldn't tell her if you were trying for a baby naturally 😡 I agree with folk above..seek further advice and at the very least find a way of letting her know calmly abd assertively that what she did is wrong and discriminatory so she knows and maybe reflects on this if she finds herself in this situation again..I find now I assert myself when something isn't right in this ivf world so nobody else has to go through whatever it was I went through and in some small way that makes me feel like I might be making thus journey a little easier and more compassionate for those that follow me xxx
Pretty sure this is classed as discrimination... does your boss screen every female who potentially is going to get pregnant during the new job? Just because you're having to have ivf to have a baby doesn't mean you should be on a back footer. People like this make me so angry. Please go to your HR department and speak to them. Good luck x
What?!? This is not acceptable. I hope you take this further! x
This is discrimination and your employer would not be saying this to a man! You can take this further. I'm shocked in this day and age employers still behave in this way! Good luck when you so start IVF xxx
Omg gggggrrrrrrrr. How do people like this make it to management positions when they clearly don’t know how to manage? There are so many things wrong with this.
If you’re feeling up for it definitely take this up with her. And escalate above her if you don’t think she resolves it sufficiently. Good luck xx
What a b@&?£ do you have a HR department as I would report her. That is blatant discrimination. Fertility may not be a protected characteristic but it is one step away from pregnancy which is protected. Don’t withdraw your application. Go for it! Xx
Whoa, this is a HR matter, NO WAY should your manager say this, its the same as saying, you plan to have a kid, so you can't apply for promotion. Pull them up on this!!!! The law, your Union is on your side, this is totally wrong
Er...nope! This is discrimination. What if she said you should withdraw the application because you needed surgery for a different medical condition or because you were pregnant and might go on maternity leave or because you had a disability? See, it would be discrimination then and it is the same with this too. Maybe she was trying to be supportive and empathetic and she really is worried about how you will cope, but she has totally addressed it in the wrong way! I would not withdraw your application if you want to advance your career. You go for it! Do what you need to do Charlee and fight for your right to be treated fairly regardless of your reproductive situation! Good luck my dear. xx
This is simply disgraceful and it is discrimination. Are you able to speak to HR about it? It is very disappointing that it is coming from another female when we are trying to fight for gender parity. She is very insensitive. I have only had male bosses at my current job and they are hugely supportive. Even those who have kids are always trying to show me a different perspective and assure me that life without kids is different but certainly not worse. I feel quite upset that you have to go through this and I hope HR could offer you some support. Xxx
Hi Charlee,
Firstly this is disappointing behaviour from your employer. From what I read she only advised you to withdraw from the process.
I’m assuming the conversation between you an your boss was on a 1-2-1 basis (no one else present) so there is no other witnesses to the conversation? IE if this went into a formal HR process she could claim she never said that to you!
My best advise would be that if you feel passionately about this opportunity you should not withdraw from the process but rather take your bosses concerns and prepare robust answers when them come up in the selection interview.
You should try and resolve this as amicablely as possible before you go down the discrimation route. Even in a union this can cause you more problems at work.
BTW, I’m sat with my husband who is a HR Manager and this is his best advice with the information given.
Good luck with the job and IVF treatment.
KR,
Tone
That is outrageous!! Personal circumstances should have nothing to do with your job at all! It would leave a bad taste in my mouth too. I wonder if it's because they are worried for the business that you may get pregnant and then be off work? But that could be the case with anyone ivf or not!
Is there anyone higher up at work you can discuss this with? Xxx
Oh no! This is not acceptable at all, It's not her decision to make as to you being capable to go for the higher position. You should ask her if pregnant women don't work too. Ivf have nothing to do with your availability to work an do it well too. Tell that woman she is wrong for interfering in your personal life. Let her know u want the higher position. Best of luck.
Spoke to her today. She apologised and said that she’d gone home and reflected on the conversation and it hadn’t sat well with her. Application has not been withdrawn. Thankyou for all the replies. I was so upset over it yesterday and all of your reply’s have really helped me through. Thankyou so much all xxxx
I am really pleased she has the honesty to say that she has reflected and it did not sit well with her. Good luck with your progression at work and your ongoing treatment. Chin up!
Awh i am pleased. She was probably under pressure herself and didn't properly plan for the discussion with you. I'm glad she has done the right thing. Best of luck with everything.
Really pleased to hear this! Good luck with work and your treatment xxx
This is sex discrimination xx
Utterly shocking. Please make a complaint to HR and go to your union. This is outrageous that such discrimination goes on. Not to mention the hideous insensitivity of your boss' comments. Unbelievable. I'm so sorry you've been through this xx
It’s discrimination and patronising. I’m really disappointed for you that you’ve been treated so poorly. I would perhaps ask if a) she would treat a man like that b) if she would treat another woman of childbearing age like that. It shows absolute ignorance of the process of IVF. Yes it is hard and you shouldn’t be prevented from progressing professionally because it might work. Maybe go in and give her the statistics. Then share the statistics of a woman conceiving naturally. Sending you a big hug. xxx
Hi Charleen, you do realise this is illegal. You can sue.
TSH of 2.90 - is this ok for IVF? 
My GP says they won't be signing me off :( 
14dp5dt BETA HCG result..... 1175 ( I think that’s what she said)
Bad friend?
