Will this pain go away? I need a friend right now. Long post...

[LadyGem]

I'm on my 2nd cycle of ivf. I'm 35 next month. I had my fallopian tubes removed in August 2017. I had my first ever BFP in September on my husband's birthday. At the 7 week ultrasound we found out it was a missed miscarriage. How stupid of me, I'd never even heard of a missed miscarriage. I was ok for about 3 weeks- I think I was in complete shock. Then the darkness came (I've never been depressed before, I'm normally a positive happy person). I cried whenever I was on my own. I felt like I couldn't breathe- I think I actually howled at one point I was so low, exhausted and unbelievably sad and lonely. I've been having counselling and acupuncture, thrown myself into work, the gym, trying to be as healthy as I can be. That was about 5 weeks ago and I thought I was doing well. I felt strong, happy and myself again. Met with the fantastic clinic (nhs) tried to focus on the 2 eggs in the freezer (I have convinced myself they are worthless, so far as I don't even want to use them). I have one cycle left and I will do anything it takes to make sure I am 100% for it.

I have 2 best friends who I speak to every day and they have been amazing. 1 told me she was pregnant before my bfp. I had the usually jealousy cry, but as I was about to start my 2nd cycle i was ok. My other best friend, who swore she would never have another child, told me yesterday. I am so happy for her, I love her so much and she's been such a rock to me, but I am devastated. I feel so selfishly loney, left out, like I'm being laughed at, like all my friends have this clique that I'll never be part of. I feel like now I cant talk to them abiut how in feeling as i dont want to upswt them. I feel That ivf will never work and I'm being punished for making stupid mistakes in my life. That everything that is happening is what I deserve. The guilt I'm carrying is killing me. My parents are getting old and they don't have grandkids, my husband lost his parents at an early age, he doesn't really have any family. I hate this. I absolutely hate it. I feel stupid i was so uneduacated at the first cycle, then I threw myself at the second in the summer where I'd drank in the lovely summer night, ate what I want on holiday in Italy, I feel that has impacted in this 2nd cycle and that's why my eggs are poor. I'm sat in bed now having had about 4 hours sleep because I cried all night. Some times I don't even know what I'm crying for. My husband doesn't know what to do, I think he thought I'd gotten over it. I don't even know what what I'm trying to get over.

I'm sorry for the long post, I've never posted on anything like this before and even if no one reads it, I feel better for writing it down. I donr even know what I want, for someone to say they have felt like this before.

Thanks x x

[Aleelilook]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so low at the moment 😞 firstly it is definitely not your fault you had a mmc, drinking a bit of wine and eating nice food would not have buggered up your eggs, it’s a terrible thing that’s happened, and dreadfully sad, but not your fault. You’re doing all the right things, I’ve been in counselling for two years now, as this journey is shit. The pain of a miscarriage will definitely ease, it is still early days. After my first mmc I cried for about two months solid! Wrote in a journal everyday and painted, and slowly but surely I started to feel human again, the second one was a bit different. What I’m trying to say is it is normal to feel this sadness, and it is definitely normal to feel lonely when your best friends are going through what you desperately want. Obviously that doesn’t make it easier though, it’s just putting one foot in front of the other at the moment. We found doing nice things with each other helped, and I’m fortunate enough that not all my friends have done the baby thing (I’m 35), do you have a different group of friends that you could see when you’re feeling particularly fragile? Xxx

[LadyGem in reply to Aleelilook]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have two really good friends in work who haven't had ivf but have had similar experiencing with MMCs. But i feel so selfish talking to them when they too have been through it but they never moan. I feel like all I do is talk about myself.

The counselling is brilliant, at the last appointment I said I'd ring for another appointment rather than book there and then as I was feeling so much better and then the news yesterday has floored me. My husband was initially great and held me and talked about our future, but as the evening wore on and I couldn't shake myself out of it I get the feeling he was thinking "come on Gem, snap out of it". I don't even know what I'm so upset for. Fear I guess, feeling so lonely. I work myself up thinking who will be pregnant next. It's pathetic and I absolutely HATE feeling this way. I can't believe jealousy can do this to a person. I want the doctors to tell me what to do, but they have to be so neutral and I get it. I go so quiet in the hospital, with a stupid fake smile on my face as if to say "look at me, I'm perfect, this ivf is easy peasy, I've got it because I'm so happy and smiley" or I try to make everyone laugh because "I'm so ok woth all of this" where really I'm panicking like crazy inside and I forget to ask all my questions. I just want someone to tell me I'm normal and everything is ok with me.

I'm so sorry to rant again.

Do you guys know any specialists who could test me privately for egg quality or any vitamin defincianys, or any tests you're aware of? I'm so desperate at the moment. I've had NK testing and I know take steroids after a transfer. And the 2 frosties (which I'm convinced are worthless) will be supported with progesterone next time. Ha, next time, I don't think I can mentally even go through another go anytime soon. Buy the fear and panic of all my friends being pregnant is making me desperate.

I think I just want someone to say this is normal

Thank you for reading my ramblings x x

[Aleelilook in reply to LadyGem]

The feelings you’re having are completely normal, I’m putting off my 7th round as I’ve just had enough, I’ve had enough of the tears, the jealousy, the all consuming fear and guilt, it’s too much! I’d definitely get yourself another counselling appointment, I wouldn’t get through the week without mine, sometimes I have two!!! I definitely feel like I’m crazy most of the time! Your friends from work will not think bad of you for leaning on them, I’m sure you wouldn’t if it were the other way around. There’s lots of podcasts out there which provides a feeling that you’re not alone, I often listen when I’m washing up! Test wise I had the receptivity test and NK and having a hysteroscopy in a couple of weeks 🤦🏼‍♀️ egg quality wise on our round 4 none of the 8 made it to day 5, so we were advised to use donor, as they can’t test egg quality until they fertilise. Our embryologist studied our previous rounds and how the embryos developed and came to the conclusion my eggs were a bit below par! Why do you think your frozen embryos are worthless? If they weren’t of good quality they couldn’t freeze them, so have the clinic said anything in particular? Xx

[HollieW]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. This process is so tough and if it doesn't work you beat yourself up about everything you did and whether that alcoholic drink three months ago or the cup of coffee two weeks ago made the difference. The answer is it didn't. It is completely understandable that you feel like this, I have had two ectopic pregnancies and I had one tube removed and the other is blocked. Therefore, like you, IVF is my only chance and I cannot even try to get pregnant naturally. This is also difficult to manage. It is such a tough time but you will try again. My first transfer failed 6 months ago and I've just had my second transfer (I'm on the 2ww). It took me that long to even feel remotely ready and you take the time you need to feel better. Share how you feel with others, especially your husband as bottling it up makes it worse. I really hope you feel better soon, if things don't improve perhaps speak to your GP. I would also highly recommend reflexology as it's relaxing and you can see it working. Always remember this is not your fault and you will get through it, its just some days are easier than others. Wishing you lots of luck xx

[LadyGem in reply to HollieW]

Thank you. Your lovely comments and advice making it so much easier to cope with knowing it's not just me who's feeling utterly lonely and desperate. I am wishing you lots of luck for the dreadful 2ww.

[HollieW in reply to LadyGem]

We all definitely feel like this during the process and you are not alone xx

[Babyblues1]

Hi

I just wanted to send a reply so you know we do read these posts. We can not always give the answers you need but one thing is for sure we can send our thoughts and support to you.

Do not EVER blame yourself, everyone’s body works in different ways.

Don’t feel like you are uneducated. This is something we all wouldn’t of had to know about until we have had to experience it.

It’s the most difficult time of our lives and you have every right to feel upset and hurting. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have these emotions.

You need to speak to friends, family, husband and support. You can’t deal with all this on your own, your body is going through enough.

Vent on here and also as you said it’s easier to express how you feel if you write it down/ type it out.

Getting it out helps.

Take some time for you, don’t feel guilty about everything you do. Try and do something you enjoy. Keep busy and your mind off everything there is nothing worse than your own mind thinking constantly.

Take care and sending you lots and lots of positive thoughts ... relax 😊xxx

[Tomorrow_1]

Didn’t want to read and run... I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, hun. A few nice holiday drinks won’t have had any negative effect, and, if anything, they may have had a positive one in the sense that they helped you feel relaxed and happy. Don’t feel guilty. NONE of this sh*t is your fault! Feel proud that you are tackling such an enormous challenge, and think how well you’ve managed so far. Be kind to yourself. It’s tough when friends get pregnant...everyone on here knows all about it! But you will pull through. Instead of convincing yourself that your Frosties are worthless, why not try to believe in them? One of them may be your future child. Right now, they deserve your best possible mood. Focus on them, and on the future, and don’t beat yourself up about the mmc. Hugs!

[Sweets1]

Oh I’m so sorry that you feel like this, if I could give you a huge hug, I would! It I’m definitely sending 1! It’s so normal to feel like this, and getting it out of writing it will help. It’s such a hard journey. I’m sorry I can’t offer advice, but sending big hugs xxx