Advice

[vic77]

So we had our first icsi cycle in September and got a bfn..devastated. Now a few months on i am reflecting on a few things and trying to think why maybe our first cycle was unsuccessful. We have unexplained infertility and have been ttc for two years. I have an extremely stressful job and in the last year my work and ttc has led me to experience anxiety and stress like never before. I can't help but wonder if my stress and anxiety is maybe what is preventing us from getting our long awaited bfp. Since our bfn I have started to look for other jobs in the hope that maybe a less stressful job may help us get our much wanted bfp. My slight worry now as I apply for new jobs is that our next and final nhs cycle would be end of January and if I were successful in getting a new job then I would be starting a new job at same time as 2nd cycle. Just don't know what is best..stay in stressful job for 2nd cycle or try to look for an out to hopefully reduce stress and who knows!!! I guess I am asking all you fab ladies out there if anyone else has a similar dilemma..I have seen people post after failed cycles about career changes and I guess after our bfp I feel so different and just wonder if now is the time to change jobs once and for all as been putting this change on hold for two years while ttc and still no baby😢any advice or similar experiences shared would be great. Thanks in advance xx

[katya38]

Was wondering how you were getting on? Reducing stress is meant to be a massive factor isn't it. I guess if you're planning this to be your last cycle you should do everything to try and get that bfp. Good luck xx

[vic77 in reply to katya38]

Thanks katya38 . I will try anything to be honest..how you getting on? Xx

[katya38 in reply to vic77]

I'm doing good thanks. We had our ivf review at Glasgow the beginning of November. Consultant confirmed our only chance was donor eggs and shockingly my amh had dropped even lower than I'd thought it was. We ve applied for adoption now it's all happened quite fast just waiting for our first social worker appointment xx

[vic77 in reply to katya38]

That's so exciting. How long will the whole adoption process take? Xx

[katya38 in reply to vic77]

Thank you. We are so excited but know it's a long process. I think prob about 18 months maybe a bit less. Been told the official 6 month assessment can't start until we ve done the preparation groups and they aren't until April. Xx

[vic77 in reply to katya38]

Wishing you all the luck in the world and so excited for you. Thanks for responding to my message xxxx

[katya38 in reply to vic77]

Thank you! Good luck to you too really hope you get your bfp.xxx

[CheshireKit]

I think it's only natural to wonder why it didn't work and what you can do to help it work next time, if anything. Our IVF cycle progressed really well and I felt I'd done everything I could to give us the best chance, as I knew the odds were against us, but it still ended in a BFN which was gutting. I don't think there are any things we can do to guarantee success, we can just do the best we can to look after ourselves. Have you spoken to the doctors to ask for their advice? If you're concerned about stress and anxiety it would be good to find ways to help reduce it if you can (I know that's easier said than done sometimes). Changing jobs at the time of treatment could be more stressful for you though, especially if you need to get time off for appointments. Is there anything you could do in your current job to reduce stress? If you're thinking of moving jobs soon could you cut back on what you're doing where you are, short of getting sacked! Or could you postpone your 2nd go by another month or so to give you time to settle into a new job before doing the treatment? It's hard not to analyse and worry whether we're doing the right things to help our chances. Maybe get some more advice from the medical experts and do what makes you comfortable. Best of luck whatever you decide xx

[vic77]

Thanks so much for your great advice CheshireKit . Xx

[bethany2]

even though changes might be stressful themselves but believe me the stress you are going to have from your current job will definitely reduce your chances to get pregnant. maybe you could just take some time off to be undergo the treatment in the calm state of mind?

ps but you know quitting a stressful job will probably be one of the best decisions you have made, I have changed a few jobs myself in the past, not that it has anything to do with the fertility treatment, but i knew when my job wasn't bringing me joy i had to quit it because my life was becoming miserable.

now i can have no work, because my husband works for both of us, as i am following every step of our surrogacy program. i consider this as my current job haha but even that i am a bit nervous it makes me happy to know that everything is going according to the plan. even though i am unable to be present at the clinic every time my surrogate mother is there for her us picture i know that she is fine because i am always in touch with my manager over there.

[vic77 in reply to bethany2]

That is a very important job bethany2 and so exciting for you.😀😀😀yeah my job just makes me miserable like you said and brings me no joy. I have been putting a change on hold while ttc but don't know how much longer I can stick it. I guess I had hoped for a bfp and then would have made myself stick it out but now..I just don't know. I want a bfp so much but also want to feel less stressed..the two are so linked though..thanks for your message xx

[bethany2 in reply to vic77]

oh yeah, I know how hard it is to wait for and believe in bfp, so stressful, but you have to admit stress reduces chances of getting pregnant and you really need to consider finding a new job because it is not going to work if you constantly are subjected to the stress. I wish you the best but really hun take care of yourself

lots of love!!

[vic77 in reply to bethany2]

Thanks so much bethany2 xx

[bethany2 in reply to vic77]

xo's good luck with whatever you decide to do!!

[Skybid]

Hi Vic, I also had a BFN last month and it was my third and final cycle, it has been put down to egg quality so my consultant suggested that we go the route of embryo donation. It is frustrating as there are three girls From my year at school that are now pregnant...really frustrating as if we could try naturally I am sure it would work eventually. I was looking at a tandem cycle abroad where u use some of ur own eggs, some of donors and they put the best ones back....it's pretty expensive tho. Also my husband suffers from depression and every cycle we do, brings him lower and lower. Really don't know what to do for the best? At the moment my emphasis is on getting my husband better, I really don't know how couples can afford both financially or physically and emotionally to do this process over and over again. Xx

[vic77]

I know what you mean. I have only had one cycle and feel it changed me so much. It was physically and emotionally draining as you say Skybid and on,y a month since bfn but still feel exhausted and sad sometimes a bit up and down. My husband is sooooo optimistic which is lovely but I can see how this whole thing can affect your mental health. I really hope your husband feels better and with you looking after him I am sure he will..yeah it sure helps you get your priorities in check this whole thing and I feel so grateful for what I have. Thanks for your message xx

[Sarahmanc]

I found myself in a similar situation to you for our first cycle - I started a brand new job and IVF within 2 months of each other! To be honest, I wouldn't recommend it - I was terrified of not passing my probation so I told nobody about it. It meant I had to sneak around and also couldn't explain my low mood to anyone when it failed. This time round I've been completely honest with my boss and told her everything. She has been totally lovely about it, has let me drop a day at work and will let me work from home in the 2ww. Do you have a good relationship with your boss and could you explain what you're going through? Could you drop some hours even temporarily? Even the 1 day I have dropped has made a big difference to my stress levels and it hasn't impacted us too much financially. Ultimately, your health and your dreams are the most important thing. Good luck! Xxx

[vic77 in reply to Sarahmanc]

Thanks so much for this advice Sarahmanc . I have known for a long time I need to get out of my job just kept putting it on hold cause of ivf and now I fear the job is what has landed me here doing ivf and I resent it even more now. I am worried like you say that a new job and 2nd round Ivf at same time could be stressful too but I wonder if even that may be a little less stressful than my current situation..who knows...I think if nothing comes from these jobs I have applied for then dropping hours temporarily is the answer. Thanks again xxx

[skatty]

Having stayed in stressful jobs too long (though not while TTC) I'd say quit. Hopefully you can postpone your 2nd cycle by a month or two to allow settling in time. I'm now working as a supply teacher so income is sporadic but it means that I have almost zero stress while going through IVF and feel no guilt (a big one for me).

My only proviso is are you sure that the new job would be less stressful? If you are 95/100% sure then I'd say go for it. Baby aside, you'll feel so relieved to have moved on.

[vic77]

Thanks skatty for such good advice... xxx

[Fingerscrossed4]

I had a bfn last Christmas and then a bfp with our second icsi attempt (im now 40 weeks and 3 days and waiting to meet our little one!) There is so much you read about what factors affect the outcome and although my job isn't physically demanding it is mentally and I was stressed with work and both cycles. In my experience unfortunately you can do everything by the book and if the embryo sticks it sticks, if it doesn't it doesn't, I wish there was something we could all do to guarantee it. Possibly the stress of a new job wouldn't be advantageous either? Good luck and I hope whatever you do your next cycle is a positive xx

[vic77 in reply to Fingerscrossed4]

Hey Fingerscrossed4 that is such great news huge congratulations😀I know what you mean I read so many times about all the things you can do that may help but can't feel it is kind of down to luck...I just so hope it is our turn for some luck soon. Do you think anything was different for your 2nd cycle? Were you given any reasons for first bfn? The hospital told us that often 2nd attempts are more successful as they can make any necessary changes to your treatment plan but we have never been given any reasons as to what may have gone wrong so are clueless to any changes we may need to make. Our bfn was October and we do not have an appointment with the consultant till January. i have toiled with prospect of new job being more stressful and I just don't know what to do.i just want a baby😢really not a new job but also want to feel less stressed. People always say to me that women who are stressed have babies all the time so I shouldn't worry that that is what is preventing us t I can't help thinking it won't be helping..thanks so much for your message and yes fingers crossed we are as lucky as you were 2nd time around xx

[Fingerscrossed4 in reply to vic77]

Hi sorry for late reply I gave birth to a little boy 2 days after your reply!! They didn't give us any reason for first fail which is frustrating but just shows unfortunately we can't control it to the end! Our second attempt was a frozen embryo transfer that's the only difference. January is 2/3 weeks away so not long to go now and I personally wouldn't worry about the job making so much difference. although I did take more time off second time round and relaxed at home, where as first time round I went straight from embryo transfer to my mums (who didn't know we were doing ivf) an played with my niece like nothing had happened. good luck xx

[vic77 in reply to Fingerscrossed4]

that is the best news ever Fingerscrossed4 - congratulations and hope it is all going well. Yes I plan to take more time off 2nd time around and was quite stressed first time trying to juggle everything - I was a bit full on after ET last time too - all lessons learnt - thanks for message and have a lovely first xmas with your wee baby xx

[Soapsuds86]

Hiya Vic77,

The way I have tried to look at my 4 ivf's are that i don't want to be able to look back with any regrets. knowing I have done everything I could possibly do to make them stick.

I took time off using all my holiday time and then had sickness leave when i was going through the treatment. the hormones do affect me massively so i had to tell work. Do you have holiday time you could use?

I went back to work too soon too and thats how i ended up getting sacked ( that and the fact they're a bunch of w*****s). However, since I've been gone i feel sooo chilled out and free to heal from my grieving.

Could you either take some holiday or time away for "projects", if your work does anything like that? My ex job did a time away for personal things.

If not, I wouldsay you are best off to leave your job if it's making you so miserable. i know how that feels and it's just rubbish. Don't end up being pushed out like me! However i understand it depends on the individual's financial situation too. xx

[mannamay]

Hello vic 77! Sorry for your problems, I know it's a hard decision and it's even more like ultimatum. I think it's only your decision, coz we are all different here. I met women who said that their clininc is awful, because their doctors didn't smile to them...and heard women describing their poor tx like the best in the world. Tastes differ and what os good for one is nothin' for another. You must count all risks and predict the consequences. If you change your job, how this can impact your fertility? and what if you stay? i guess you just have to choose a 'lesser evil'...

I went through 3 ivf cycles, all self-funded, I left my job to provide safety and peace to myself and my future baby. it wasn't a problem for me though, my job was more like hobby and our financial position left stable even after i quit. You should make a decision and feel relived and happy after this.

Good luck to you!!x