❎ Rant warning ❎: Bit of a long post... - Fertility Network UK

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Bit of a long post but I need to get it out!

Not totally IVF related, but definitely having a huge impact on my state of mind. As some of you know my husband has children with his ex, which sometimes makes me feel like we are frauds and people feel as though we should be happy that we have these children in our lives. Obviously we are but it isn't all happiness and smiles and it certainly isn't a consolation prize for not having our own too.

Actually the step children for the most part great it's the ex situation that really isn't. It is becoming increasingly difficult to enjoy any time with my husband's children as their mum will always have plans for them during the time we have. If he refuses these plans (due to plans we have already made) he is told he is not thinking of the children and has been stopped from seeing them. Then in the same breathe told he doesn't spend enough time with them. We are not given notice on these plans she makes and are often told by one of the children the eve before, as she uses her as a go between. It has now come to the point that it is causing arguments between the husband and I. We often dont talk the day before he is due to pick them up. I almost dread it as there is always a battle with the ex and makes for a shit weekend.

We have been through solicitors and it was sorted for a while. we dont have the money to do that again. I am now so stressed that my transfer day will fall on the time we have them and we may end having to cancel or battle with the ex about it. We have had to keep so many secrets from the children inc the wedding, just in case she decided to interfere. We want to be able to share what is happening with his children too. I have simply had enough.

I don't know what to do and how we move forward. We cancelled IVF 3 years ago because of all this too :( Got sorted and its is just getting worse again. 😩

14 Replies

Oh gosh! How frustrating for you and your husband.

Of course your pleased you have step children but I can imagine the want for your own children is strong especially if you have always wanted children.

These battles and arguments are so unfair and must be so annoying, I've no idea why people behave like this. Some people are just bitter and jealous.

It must be so difficult to manage this situation, if possible and I know all things are easier said than done, you need to put her in the back of your mind, if she won't change and you can't go through a solicitor you just need to distance what you hear about her, maybe let your husband deal with her and not tell you what's been said etc so you can keep your mind clear as possible for your cycle.

I can imagine that you would normally share all of the goings on with your husband about his ex but if you can limit it I think that could help you.

I'm not in the same situation as you but I hope some things can change soon so you can do what you need to do in peace. Xxx

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Hidden in reply to genten

Thank you. It is so hard. I did stay out of it all and then the solicitors were involved, so it was a settled blended home for a while. I have a feeling she knows of the IVF and is just being difficult because of it. It is a shame because not only are we stressed but the children suffer for it too.

I really don't want to postpone or cancel as this cycle has been stopped and starting since January with one thing or another. But it seems to be at the peak of her interference.

Thanks for your comment and kind words xx

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genten in reply to Hidden

Oh so stressful. Maybe she does know somehow and is being extra difficult and if that's the case then you really need to ignore her.

This is your time now and you come first.

If you can I suggest continuing with your cycle as you have waited long enough and she will always crop up one way or another, I suppose it Could be a case of you finding a way to deal with her goings on by changing the way you think.

Don't let her come between you and your husband.

Bless you, you are welcome. Xxx

It’s the last thing you need isn’t it? I understand your frustration, I am also a step mum. Infertility is heart wrenching and difficult to cope with at the best of times, but I, like yourself, feel there is that added stress when a difficult ex wife is thrown into the mix. I hope you manage to find a happy medium. Like you I felt transfers and blood test days often fell on ‘handover day’ meaning I had to put a lot of effort into hiding what was happening and any tears after negative test results from my step son. After a year I told my parents about our ivf which took the pressure off as if we need some alone time to cry or whatever, they take my step son out for a fun activity. I can imagine that it is more difficult if you are only thrown a day here and there rather than 50/50 time. Not sure how to help but just wanted to let you know your not alone in your frustrations... I love my step son to bits but sometimes on the hardest days when it’s me looking after him, it does feel like rubbing salt in my wounds xx

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We typically get every other weekend, but most of that time is spent taxing them to arrangements she has made. If we refuse then she gets defensive and starts bringing the children into it and asking them what they would rather do. But then he has a text saying the eldest thought he didn't want to see them, it really is a lose/lose battle. We have considered moving away so that when they are with us, they are just that - with us. And we would be far enough away that any plans she has made could not happen, giving us our time back with them, I know it is a control thing and she admitted this when we took it to the solicitors. I just wish we had the funds to do it again or take her to court. We have had my mum and husbands family have the children appointments, but this means they can't do the activities she has decided they must do when we have them, so often ends in an argument and us not seeing at least one of them. I feel so bad that I dread their weekends now :(

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besgstan in reply to Hidden

Don’t feel bad, totally get why you dread the weekends as they don’t feel like your own when n** head is making arrangements not for the enjoyment of the children, but purely to put a spanner in things. She puts an awful lot of energy into being a psycho doesn’t she?? Hope you can stay strong and just try to rise above her efforts. She needs to get a grip and be respectful of the kids time with their dad rather than trying to micromanage everything. There have been times during ivf where I have taken a step back from ‘step mom duties’... purely because all the family related activities and sports and stuff just brings home I am not a mum yet. Although your situation is different maybe this may help have some me time to yourself instead of having to go along to these charade activities the ex creates? My husband has been honest that he prefers us to do things together, I guess he feels lonely and guilty for the reasons I don’t wanna go with sometimes. But he seems to get my argument that his child is not my responsibility and although I enjoy doing things together and want to, sometimes it hurts too much or just reminds me of my struggle. I try to treat myself to magazines, lunch out etc and it does help me distance myself from the step mum / psycho ex stuff xxx hope things settle for you and if you need a chat we are all here xx

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What about your husband swapping weekends or the time that they're with you when your have the transfer? You need to be relaxed and not have this stress, I'm sure your husband will understand? Also can't your husband go through court and get it written down by a court order when he has them so it's organised properly, so his ex can't interfere with the time they're with you, my husband did this with his daughter so we know exactly when she's with us and there's minimal contact with her as well as her not bothering when she's with us. It's worked out really well for us xxxxxx

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Hidden in reply to Hidden

Oh no, the swapping of weekends is a nightmare. We have tried, she makes it extremely difficult for future weekends if we ever have had to this. Court was discussed before the solicitors were involved but they were both happy with arrangements made with the solicitor. That cost us and now we don't have the funds to take her to court, or even to do it again once she breaks the agreement - which she 100% will. It should just be a simple collection at a certain time from a certain place, time with us (with whatever we arrange), drop off at set time and place and then contact in an emergency/changes need with enough notice - that is what was set. She was told not to use the children as messengers, but she does as she knows my husband will feel bad saying no to them.

Hopefully, we can take her court one day, but all our money went into IVF after we thought we had a grip on this. The other thing we have discussed is moving away, it is that bad!

Thank you and I am glad it was sorted for you both, I do hope we can be the same position one day xxx

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Hidden in reply to Hidden

God sounds so stressful! It was hard for my husband at the time but in the end what started to work was him was blocking the ex out and he didn't see his daughter for a few months, eventually she came around and doesn't bother us anymore! it's so complicated isn't it. I really hope it calms down for you both, I do get the moving away bit as you guys don't want any interference, we lived in another country and still had stress about it x

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Hidden in reply to Hidden

We had that too, we blocked her on all comms and she stopped access. That lasted 6 months and then she came around and went straight back to her old ways. What confuses me as she doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with her behaviour. Goodness, exes like a drama don't they! Thanks for your comments, it gives me hope xx

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Hidden in reply to Hidden

I think some exes think they have a right to act like an absolute idiot just because they've had the kids! Isn't it crazy how they still try to control when their ex has clearly moved on! Im sure it will get better, how old are the kids?

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Hidden in reply to Hidden

The craziest part is, she has too and even had a baby. So I am baffled as to why she needs to be like this. Egh, I wish she would get a grip.

They 14, 12 and 8. It must be hard for them in the middle too, being told one thing from their mum and then coming to our house still thinking she rules the roost. I think perhaps we have let her get away with it too, time to put the foot down! If it means we do not have access again, maybe it will have to be that way for a while until we get through it all again. It is hard to know what is best. How old is your SD? xx

For the sake of your IVF cycles, just write off the next couple of weeks, agree to everything she says and just play along, secure in the knowledge that when you have your baby her hold over your partner will be lost. Cruel I know, but bullies like this ex use their own kids as a means to punish partners. I think ( from a very similar situation my friend went through) when you start having your own kids, she will be terrified that he'll cut his losses and disappear with his new family. I know your partner wouldn't do that, but twisted people like his ex don't think like rational people.

For that reason, step away from all of this, de-stress, and concentrate on having your new baby. For the next few months its the only thing that matters, it may even be worth staying with parents or friends while you do your cycle - your partner will cope, besides you're doing the heavy lifting with ivf

Best of luck x

So sorry to hear everything you are going through..have you or your husband tried having it out with her and listing out all these horrendous events of her doing...or as a minimum just explain you've got to focus on your treatment. It's a medical treatment and you don't need to say it's fertility as such... Surely she can get behind just adjusting things for a short while even? I can't believe people are so beyond basic empathy...sorry not sure my response has helped. Please try and avoid being stressed protect yourself and work out ways to pretend that you are watching this as an EastEnders type drama....step back and view her as someone irritating on TV maybe? Xx

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