Think we are finished..... How do we get through this

[AnnieMac123]

Yesterday I found out that my partner has confided in his ex about our personal life and my medical condition - endo & our ivf journey .. (she is the mother of his child who is totally against him having any more kids) she is the one person I have begged him not to speak with cos of the way she treats me, she is so demanding of his time - expecting him to jump at her every call. She is 54...i have just turned 40..he's 43!

This all came to light when he spoke in his sleep about having told her.. I got outta bed and read his texts. The first time I have ever had to doubt him ever.. Only to discover she's known about our battle for Mt's now n has been in his head this whole time discouraging him for trying ivf... He has lied to me for Mt's and even when I confronted him telling him I read his texts he still denied it...eventually have to tell the truth.. He couldn't even justify it said it simply slipped out over coffee one day... Ivf conversations don't just pop up!!

I just packed his bags and said enough.. And threw him out. No reply from him all day... My stomach is in bits n I don't know what I have left in me to fight at this stage! Am heart broken n all I can think is that he's played me for yrs just waiting to get back with her

I really don't think I have the strength to carry on with this journey on my own. I truly loved the bones of him but clearly he can't b trusted

[LizzieBW]

Hi AnnieMac

I'm so sorry you're going through emotional turmoil. That sounds really rough.

I bet you are still in a state of shock and processing what's happened or what you've found out. I would say don't make any final or firm decisions whilst you're in the peak of your emotions. It's great you're both taking some space apart, as difficult as that might feel and use this time to just let everything sink in.

A partner breaching trust feels absolutely earth-shattering. I've been there in a previous relationship. What I would say is, don't allow your mind to over-dramatise things from your imagination or deepest fears, only base things on the facts. I appreciate you wouldn't have shared all of the details in your post but what I mean is, nothing that you mentioned actually suggests he wants back with his ex. Instead, based on what you wrote he shared personal information with his ex and albeit you don't like or trust her, maybe he does? Does he have anyone else he can share his concerns with about his infertility journey? Definitely not justifying your partner hiding this from you but from experience, I'd say the only way forward was to try understand someone else's actions or decisions.

I hope you can choose someone that you're close to and talk everything through. Take care xx

[leah30]

Hi Annie

Absolutely agree with Lizzie comment . Don’t make any harsh decisions that you may regret . Take some time then talk to your partner it’s a tough time for both of you. Xx

[DC5867]

Oh my goodness I really feel for you here. I am 41, my husband is 52, and his ex wife (and mother of his two children) is 61. We have had some really difficult times over the years, but since our ivf babies arrived relations have been much better - I think babies help bring people together! That said, if my husband had done this, and confided in her I would have been devastated and found it very difficult to move on from. I think part of it is that you are trying to have a baby and this is the person who he was already able to do that with. You have to ask yourself if it’s something you can get over and find the trust again. He also needs to ask himself if he create a bit more distance while keeping that close relationship with his child. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s such a difficult situation even without ivf thrown into the mix. Xx

[leo1980]

Really sorry you are having an awful time. Like the girls said on here, it’s devastating to be betrayed about something that is so draining and personal. But maybe he has no one else to talk too? Don’t make rash decisions. Wait a bit to cool down and chat with him when he is back. Where do you think he went??

Sending you much 💓

[joey81]

Hi Annie, so sorry to hear about this. While i probably would have behaved just like you, being outside if the situation though, i can see that she may have just been his escape or therapy. Ivf is a tough journey and we all need someone to spk to. Us women have each other and are good at speaking about things, guys cant usually have the same level of conversation with their pals. So many he somehow slipped into opening up to her. He is with you because he chose you. If he wanted to be with her he probably could have (assuming she is single). He was wrong and you should let him know about it!! But also try to be his support, we women are strong, you can be his support and support yourself by atleast letting him be by yourside. Dont push him away into the wrong arms x

[AnnieMac123]

Am just heartbroken... He spoke to me a little yesterday n basically said he's so unsure about everything but is 100% sure he doesn't want another child... That he's too old n cos covid has pushed everything back so much he's gonna b another Yr older if ivf was successful.

His son with her has mild autiusm... And it is mild but she constantly exaggerates his condition claiming that he's profound and is special needs... She pulled him out of main street school n everything n stuck him in a special unit where he's bored silly (against schools advice) .. So yeah he's playing up at min cos he's back at school.

I know he is scared that perhaps another child could also have needs but all the things he is saying to me have come out of no where and its obviously all her words... She's put the doubt in his head and has been turning his taught for months.

He has totally let her control him for yrs and now we will loose any kinda future cos of her interfering but he can't even see she's the issue. One minute he is telling me he loves me n next saying he doesn't know how he feels but that he can't keep everyone happy... To me he is choosing her needs over us and I just can't accept that. Am sitting here ready to pack up the rest of his things n crying my eyes out at the taught of things being over yet he seems so unemotional. He's is like a totally different person