What is wrong with us???

[Kari55]

DH and I had an honest chat today about our experience of infertility which has been going on for the past 3,5 years. Cutting long story short, the cause of our struggle is my DH autoimmune illness which affects quality of his sperm.

This is our last natural cycle of trying before starting our 2nd IVF. We are still both exhausted from the first one and my DH’s chronic illness. Once he was put on medication 6 months ago, we have really hoped that we will be able to conceive naturally. But still nothing. We don’t know what is still wrong with us?! Is it still him or is it my age?

DH has even said that even though IVF works he is not sure if he would be excited and that infertility has taken the whole magic out of making a baby and left us drained. I’m sure a lot of you know what I’m talking about and basically I just wanted to vent out. I think we don’t even believe anymore that we will have a child. After so many years, it feels like this possibility is finally sinking in. The next IVF might leave us even more drained and with an empty account too which is really scary.

[Hidden]

It's good to vent. DH and I had a similar discussion tonight. He feels like we are just going through the motions now and he doesn't want him or I to get our hopes up and have them shattered once again.

I keep secretly thinking that if the next cycle (our 5th) doesn't work we may be able to squeeze one more cycle out of what little savings we have left. The truth is I don't think either of us will cope through a 6th cycle. It's easier to keep thinking let's just try one more when the alternative is so difficult and upsetting. No matter how supportive DH is everyone has a different breaking point.

It's the constant questions of 'why us?' and 'what else can we do to help?' I find tiring. Our two sets of best friends are both due soon, one Sept and one Oct, and we just feel so tired about our whole journey. We have started talking about what will happen if it cycle 5 fails and the possibility that we may just have to accept it may never happen for us.

Please don't think that you are alone in sometimes feeling like it will not happen for you. This group has shown me just how many of us are in the same boat and not feeling alone is really important. X

[Kari55 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for replying. I’m so sorry that you have to go through so many cycles. This just proves how strong you are. ❤️

It is so hard to deal with all the emotions. There is this constant feeling about ourselves that there is something wrong with us which deeply impacts self-confidence. I’m trying to practice self-acceptance and compassion as much as I can but sometimes, like now, I feel exhausted.

We talked about adoption last night too and decided that for now this isn’t an option as we are just too worn out. From what I gather the adoption is also a very tough process.

It is great that we can always exchange experiences on this forum. For some reason it does help. Sending hugs xx

[Gabi80]

I'm so sorry to hear this. And can really relate to what you say. Unless someone has been through this they can't truly understand the stress and exhaustion involved, which can feel very isolating at times. You are not alone though, and this loss of hope and excitement can be normal after a while. But keep faith that it will happen for you.

After our second miscarriage following 2nd IVF, my partner said he no longer wanted kids enough to go through it all again.

I felt annoyed with him at first as it's the womans body that is bearing the brunt of all the physical and emotional stress. But i realise now he'd just lost the will because we put our lives almost on hold going through this journey and can be all consuming.

Sounds like you both need time to recuperate and rest.... and in time your energy and hope will come back. You will find the strength to keep going. This whole process makes us stronger even though it feels like it breaks you first. Xxx

[Kari55 in reply to Gabi80]

Thanks Gabi80 and I’m sorry to hear about your journey ❤️

I think I need to take time to rest but not sure how when our next IVF is approaching. I’m worried not only about the outcome and money but also about my husband as stress can trigger his next autoimmune flare up and make him ill again.

I can really see when your partner was coming from saying he didn’t want any more kids. I have lost an excitement too and I can really understand how girls who finally get pregnant after infertility feel stressed and worried and that it is so hard to enjoy it sometimes.

I will just let my feelings be for as long they need to be here and rebuild my strength again. All the best to you too xx

[Gabi80 in reply to Kari55]

Yes definitely and I think it's hard to explain the lack of excitement and positivity to people. As to someone who doesn't have to go through this they just think all will be fine and well. But for us ladies going through this journey we realise there are constant ups and downs, and so much uncertainty.

Its good we have this forum to share on, as we all get it, and are rooting for each other.

Letting your feelings be is a good idea.

I've been reading a lot recently about sitting with our emotions and just letting them flow as they come up. And knowing, as everything, they will pass. That sounds like the best way really. I wish you all the best for your upcoming round. Lots of love 💜Xxxx

[Kari55 in reply to Gabi80]

I read Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach - brilliant, life saver in times of infertility. Xx

[Gabi80 in reply to Kari55]

Looks good I'll have to give it a read xxx

[Shirazlover2013]

Hi kari55, I’m sorry to hear the natural approach hasn’t yet worked after your DHs new medication. I know you’d set a timeline before starting your next IVF but you could consider pushing it back another few months. It may give you both more time to re-energise and for his sperm to get up to full speed. Sounds like there’s a lot of pressure on this next round of IVF, perhaps best to attack it when you’re both ready to give it your best shot. There’s no right or wrong answer in these situations.

It’s lovely to hear you two are communicating really well, it’s so hard sometimes when one of us is on one page and the other is 10 pages behind!! And I’m sure when you do get that BFP and baby the excitement will be there regardless of how it happened in the end!!

As always wishing you the best of luck xx

[Kari55 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

We did speak about putting the IVF off and when I read your reply, I now think it might be a good idea. There is a lot of pressure and I’m really worried about my husband’s health and stress levels especially that he needs to change his job now too. Maybe we keep putting too much pressure on ourselves all the time which really doesn’t help. I think I need to sit still and listen to myself to find out what is best. Thank you so much. Lots of love xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Kari55]

I remember our doc talking about the 3mth cycle for sperm production. So if DHs medication takes a while to kick in properly and then another 3mths for the newly created sperm to be available for use then it may take just that bit longer to see the results. Sorry about the non technical wording 😆