He’s left me emotionally

My OH has totally shut me out, he refuses to talk about the last sperm sample where they found no live ones, he’s drinking heavily and I’m going mad as I know the drink will effect the sperm and when I tell him that he just laughs, I don’t think he cares anymore. What can I do? I’m so alone and desperate all I ever wanted was my own family but I can’t carry on like this, I’m starting to see my hair is falling out with the stress of it all, I juts wanted a baby and to be happy and be a mum and be normal like everyone else why can’t this happen for me I’m so lost and feel so alone I’m not even sure if I still love him,

I can’t talk to my family because I already feel a failure that I can’t have kids and now it’s looking like I won’t be able to keep my OH either, when did life get so hard.

[Autumnmoon]

Bless your heart please Don't think in terms of failure these things are not within your control I hope that family / friends will support you and help you see that. Could you manage to get away together for a little break and try to talk hard though it may be perhaps you can salvage your relationship but if there is a problem with drinking then your hubby might need help to deal with it sending all my best wishes to you x

[Hidden]

Hi Hun, I'm sorry to read your having such a hard time. First of all your not a failure in the slightest just because its proving difficult for you to become a mum. I'm fairly certain people who have kids easily have other problems in other areas of their lives. I'm not defending your OH in the slightest but I can relate to him in a way as my Endometriosis is the reason it's so difficult for me to give my husband a baby. If you both want something so much & feel your the problem it's an awful feeling. I can't explain why but sometimes you act in stupid ways that you know are wrong but you want to push your partner away. My husband had issues producing his sperm sample on egg collection day & I was vile to him. I'm so ashamed of some of the things I said & my actions certainly didn't get the sample. I just felt like the World was gonna end. I don't know how old you are Hun & I know we all only think of having a baby right now but if time is on your side I would maybe ease of the baby talk ( just in the short term ) so maybe your OH feels less pressure & has calmed down, hopefully then he will talk & you can be on the same page again moving forward. Infertility is awful & nearly destroyed my relationship. I just got so caught up in wanting a baby that I forgot how much I love my husband & how lucky I was to have him, please don't put yourself in the same situation. Sending best wishes for the future xx

I had hair loss too which was due to very low iron levels. Maybe see if you can get a blood test xx

[Saya85]

Hi,

I’m so sorry to hear that, but it doesn’t surprise me.

As difficult as it is for us women to have fertility issues, it is widely known that women can have many issues.

Male infertility is hardly ever talked about and is incredibly emasculating for a man. They also don’t tend to have a support circle they feel comfortable talking to.

I can understand why he would drink knowing the effects/ it’s a form of self sabotage/rebelling against the injustice of it. ‘Doing the right things didn’t improve his sperm sample so why not drink !’ A bit like people comfort eat when they’re trying to lose weight.

He may not want to talk about it- but maybe you could just reassure him- that it’s not his fault - u don’t blame him- it’s not uncommon and that you can withstand anything as long as you guys face it together? Sometimes a man needs to be needed .... but most of all he may need some space for a little while.

Don’t give up hope... let it process and the dust to settle. The worse thing you can do is argue at this time xxx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

Hey

I’m so sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I just wanted to say that, if I were your husband, I would probably be drinking a fair bit right now too. I would feel like there was no point making the little tweaks to diet and lifestyle in an attempt to improve a sperm count if that sperm count was zero. It must have been a really horrible shock for him and it’s a big blow to guys and their sense of manhood to find out they aren’t producing good sperm samples. He’s probably a bit traumatised by it. Give him a bit of time and space to get used to what has happened- the last thing he needs right now is reminders of his failings and you asking him to stop drinking will be a reminder of that. Maybe you could agree together that you’re going to have a certain number of weeks “off” thinking about and talking about fertility issues. I know you will still be thinking about it but if you give him some space to deal with it in his own way, you might find he opens up of his own accord. I do hope so.

[Mifkipi]

I'm sorry to hear that. It's definitely hard to deal with infertility issues whether you are a man or a woman. Also different people deal with it differently, so maybe this is the way your OH has chosen. It's not easy on you I know but don't give up.

This IVF journey is bumpy but don't lose hope. Just remember there are a lot of women out there going through the same things. If they can do it, we can too.

[Flimzee]

I am so sorry to hear this, for both of you. I think the advice of time and space are good suggestions. It is hard and I know I have had to take a step back from the infertility at times and put our relationship first. Have you had an appointment with an andrologist? If not that may help your husband to know there are options and may encourage him to curb his drinking, but I can totally understand his actions. I also totally understand your reaction. I am sure that deep down you both want the and thing, but are just dealing with it differently. Perhaps once the dust has settled you could try counselling together? My partner and I have found this really helpful in the past but they often need a strong steer to go along. Hang on in there and try to remember all the things you love about him through this difficult time. Sending love and strength xxx

[Elynn]

So sorry to hear you are both in so much pain. He's anaesthatising his pain by drinking and you are left out in the cold. Such a rotten but common condition. Can you call your clinic n request some counselling? Don't despair ..you will find your way back to each other.

[Hidden]

I’m so sorry you both are going through this, the amount of stress and upset must be unreal. Sending hugs xxx

[DanniJones]

Okay so I'm following you and just reading your posts! I feel like you are in the same boat as me with regards to the OH. I'm alone with it all too I feel like I'm handling myself and him and just got to shut up be quiet and get on with it

[Hidden in reply to DanniJones]

Hey, well I think this journey tears relationships apart I’m just hoping mine can survive it but I’m not sure, message me anytime if u want a chat especially if u are feeling alone as I always feel like I’m battling away on my own with the odds always against me x

[MrsTM13]

So sorry to hear what you're going through. My DH had a vasectomy many years ago, had it successfully reversed for the tubes to scar over within weeks. They were able to retrieve sperm via PESA procedure and got 10 straws which apparently is good. Prior to that I researched a host of vitamins that he took for about 3 months and I believe made a huge difference. It could mean you'd require ICSI if a pesa was an option for you and your husband. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't lose all hope just yet. Your DH is licking his wounds right now but when you think the time is right try to talk to him about what other options you have. Good luck x