Any one in the same boat??

[Wishing-and-hoping]

Hi all,

I guess I’m just writing this in hope that others in the same position may be experiencing some similar negative emotions as me. A bit of reassurance I guess that I’m not being totally unreasonable/cruel in my thinking.

I am 37, my partner & I have just finished our second failed IVF cycle. I have no fertility issues (at least that have been identified) but my partner has low sperm count & motility.

Obviously IVF is an incredibly difficult & emotional time in general for everyone, but what I’m finding particularly hard is feeling like I’m voluntarily waving my last fertile years goodbye. It feels like sitting back and watching my fertile years pass me by in slow motion & not doing anything about it (even though we are - IVF).

I love my partner dearly of course, but I’m just finding it so difficult because it feels like we’re experiencing very different emotions. I can’t talk to him too much about it because the last thing in the world I want is for him to feel guilt, but at the same time I can’t shift the nagging thought that I might some day live to regret the sacrifice that it feels like I’m making.

Is anyone else in a similar boat that can relate to how I’m feeling?

x x

[Albs171]

I can understand your feelings. It’s the toughest thing and there’s nothing you can do, pay for, etc that makes it easier or more likely. It’s the lack of guarantee that makes every decision and thought so hard.

Have you tried therapy at all? Either as an individual or couple?

We had loads of crap - slightly different in that neither of us have a ‘problem’ but my bf kept repeatedly losing his mind at hospital about ivf and this resulted in hospital actually pulling our treatment at one point! Halfway through Stims.

When we got back on track and had failure it was very hard not to resent him for the delays and think what could have been.

Therapy has helped - we found a really good lady who specialises in the unique stresses of ivf… and life! Tbh she’d seen it all. Pm if you’d like details.

37 (I’m 38 so feel you) doesn’t feel young in ivf. But my Drs always say it is… you do have some time to think and work through how you feel.

[Wishing-and-hoping in reply to Albs171]

Thank you so much for your response & for taking the time to share your experience with me. It makes you realise that despite all going through the same thing, everyone’s journey is different with its own individual challenges.

I think IVF can really make you feel quite isolated in your struggles, especially if you’re coming at it from a different place to your partner. For example, whilst my partner seems always strong & positive, saying things like, “even if IVF doesn’t work for us, we can still be happy”, whereas for me, each failed cycle is brutal & seems to hit me a lot harder.

Thank you for the advice, too. The clinic I’m with offer counselling so I made an appointment this morning, see her on Friday. If nothing else, I think it’ll be a relief to get some things off my chest & say them out loud. Thanks so much for the recommendation.

I hope you are doing well & are in a good place generally, no matter where you are in your own crazy journey xx

[HollyT7]

yup, I felt like this. wondering if I was with someone else maybe we wouldn't be dragged the the depths of hell for a baby. We now have a two year old and another on the way... sit tight lovely 💙

[Wishing-and-hoping in reply to HollyT7]

Thanks so much HollyT7. It helps to know others have had similar feelings - and also to hear a good news story of how it all works out in the end. Congratulations on both your little ones x x

[HollyT7 in reply to Wishing-and-hoping]

You will get there. Don't feel guilty for your feelings either, we are human and I think it's natural to think about the what ifs ❤️ keep us updated, I'll keep my eye out for that happy ending from you xxx

[Minniemouse88]

I hear you completely. I'm a little bit behind you in terms of treatment - we're on the waiting list for first try at ICSI due to husband's fertility, but can empathize as I've just found my AMH isn't the best so time is of the essence.

I think it's very natural to feel a longing and frustration about the situation. My husband isn't a 'talker' either and I sometimes feel on egg shells about expressing my feelings in case it hurts him, which I know it does.

We've talked a bit about sperm donation as an option. Everyone is different in terms of what they feel they can accept but I find having a back up plan helps me to feel in control. The other thing that has helped me has been digging a bit deeper into my feelings and asking myself what it is about becoming pregnant that means so much to me. I haven't found any answers, but I have asked myself some hard questions.

One thing's for sure, like you, I love my OH dearly and if I had another partner, yes, he may have helped me reach my goal of becoming a mother more efficiently but I question whether anyone could make me happier.

I'm sending all my very best wishes to you both as your journey continues and letting you know there are others in that rocky boat with you.

Take care ❤️

[Wishing-and-hoping]

@Minniemouse88. Thank you so much, I really appreciate your message and your honesty. Your message really prompted some soul searching and some thought about my relationship, including how loosing him would be a far worse blow than another failed IV cycle. It helped get my thoughts in order, so i'm really grateful for that.

Sending all the luck in the world for a successful first cycle! Keep us posted! I start #3 in a few weeks time 🤞 x x

[Midsummer_daydream]

Yes I felt like this sometimes. My 2nd round just failed as well. But don’t worry about watching your fertility years go by because my dr said as long as your egg reserve is at a good level you can always do more embryos. My DH and me don’t talk very much about fertility in general because I don’t want him to feel guilty, we are focus on what’s next. Hope you have got a new plan by now and it goes well for you x