Ok, yeah, I can imagine how hard It is. And I say I can imagine because I HAVE NEVER BEEN PREGNANT, PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE, SAME AS I MIGHT NEVER DELIVER A BABY.
Sorry for this, I really listen to them and reply and try to confort them. But, come on, it seems that is the only conversation topic, that being pregnant, delivering a baby, and taking care of a newborn is a disgrace. But honestly the normal, natural and healthy stuff is to go through all that, and not what we are going through.
I'm sorry just needed to vent a little!
23 Replies
•
Oh lovely I’m sorry. It’s so difficult.
Do your friends know of your struggles?
If they don’t maybe tell them- if you are comfortable to.
I finally told my best friend after ttc 5 years of our struggles- it was such a relief to tell someone. I obviously trust this girl as I’ve known her since I was 7! Although she hasn’t been through infertility she really does her best to understand and is so positive and supportive - she’s had two babies in the space I’ve been trying for one! And she is tactful not to just talk about babies- she is always the one to ask me how it is going, and if I say fine she keeps on till I’ve been honest and told her what’s happening!
What I am trying to say is you shouldn’t have to isolate yourself from friends- if they know they can tone down the baby talk! Maybe it’ll be nice for them to have a different conversation to bring to the table- they’re not just mums they are people with their own identity! It might help both parties 🤗
At least we here understand 🤗🤗🤗 xoxo
in reply to
Hi Jess! Many thanks for your reply. Some of them know, some others don't... I understand them, it's also hard. It's just that sometimes I am shocked of how can they not realise! I would just like to say: hey, stop, you are lucky! But sometimes i just have to listen and shut up´and see myself conforting them.
xxx
in reply to
Oh hun I’m so sorry somenof friends know and carry on regardless. How insensitive. Some people! Now I’m angry on your behalf 😡
I think maybe wide birth them whist you are struggling and trying/having treatment. I think you must yourself first and self protect, going through this journey is difficult enough without having to deal with insensitivity of others.
I know people will say unless you have been through infertility you will never fully understand. Whilst that is true you can try to emphasis on someone’s situation without experiencing it. Why are some people so unable to feel compassion for one another? I get tried of getting excuses for people with their shitty behaviour.
My best friend hasn’t been through infertility but is able to try and understand what I’m going through and support me. And she does tone baby stuff down in front of me. So it can be done.
Anyway wishing you the best xoxo
in reply to
Totally agree... Yesterday I was talking to my husband and he was telling me that is just that people is overwhelmed. It's probably the case... But you know, you don't complain about putting on weight to somebody that doesn't have what to eat, right? Anyway, I can understand that they do sometimes, they also need to talk and venta as I do. But when my husband told me you would do the same if you were in their position... NO. He is wrong. Three years ago, before all this, maybe. But now... No way. If I finally have children I will never ask somebody when will they have kids, complain about them or anything. That's something I have learnt. Everybody needs more education on this...
Sorry your friends are being so unsupportive have you explained to them how tough things are for you. My SIL use to moan all the time so I ended up distancing myself from her for my own self protection. Unfortunately some people will never realise just how lucky they are xx
Hi dear! Some of them do and in general they are sensitive... but sometimes I guess they just don't realise. I hope at least, knowing with examples like mine that there is people wishing to have their problems, helps them appreciate what they have more. If at least it's useful for that...
Yes, my friend has done the same thing, she knew we are struggling to conceive and later went through IVF, yet she was moaning about her child all the time. I really don’t understand people sometimes but came to the conclusion that not many will have the adequate level of empathy to be aware of how their behaviour can make others feel. I had to tell my friend that unfortunately I’m unable to share this experience with her as I don’t have a baby even though I would really like to. It helped s bit but I also had to distance myself. I realised that I’m not part of mommy tribe so I’m not trying to participate in one anymore. Thanks to infertility I have become more sensitive to other people’s crisis but also accepted that some people won’t have the ability to understand. I keep my distance from these and open up to those who are able to see more in life than just themselves. Sending hugs x
Hi Kari! Thanks so much for responding. True... some mums are fine, but some others can only speak about that and sometimes are such moaners! And I totally agree that this makes us better people in how we judge and see others. I try and take it with perspective: is fun when I see myself conforting them and giving advice on how to be more patient
We are here trying for kids. When people complain about their kids, it’s hard to control. Especially as the struggle, the emotion and the pain is hard to understand. But I do appreciate having children is a full time job too. It’s hard, the mornings, the nights, the time off work. Your career, your health. Have to learn to understand both sides of the coin. With the bad comes the good and vice versa. Our friends are the people we moan to. Afterwards we feel better. You should do the same. And I hope they give you some support back. Have those conversations. Wishing you the best xx
Hi Angnome. So sorry to hear this. Time to choose who you spend your time with I think, Maybe you have one special,close friend who will support you as well as the lovely ladies on here, who DO understand, and it is good to have a good rant.. Thinking of you. Diane
Thanks a lot Diane. It's true I also have people to talk to, and is specially those going through the same that can understand all that this implies. It's just that you don't want to exclude yourself from some friendships because of this... but sometimes as you say, you have to choose the people to spend time with.
I totally hear you. I swear everyone I know is having babies right now. Yes you might be waddling like a penguin and be more tired than usual but shut the f**k up, 🤣 your away to have a beautiful baby I'd trade places with the waddling sore pregnant lady any day. Xxx
in reply to
Hahaha, thanks Clairet! I absolutely need to take it with humor now... They are everywhere, it's a plague!! But I am gonna have a glass of wine, and ride my bicycle, and make weekend plans with my DH instead
OH’s Brother visited on Saturday and went out into the garden for a smoke. He’s always quitting and starting up again. I said “Back on the smoking again then?” He said he needed it for the stress, I looked at him as if to say “Whys that?” And he said “Stress of three kids” to which I replied “Try the stress of having none.” He went very quiet and then changed the subject. You can tell people until you are blue in the face how hard it is but they just won’t ever understand because they haven’t been through it xx
Exactly... and for some reason some people think that having had several kids makes them experts of fertility and... also infertility! Really??!! Oh come on!
Of course it might be stressing having three kids but NO, they don't know and will never know what it is struggling to have one...
One of my pet peeves is when people have to deal with their children in some way while they’re talking to you, maybe they’re fighting with each other, and then they turn back to you and say “are you sure you want kids?”. So patronising. Now that we have been lucky enough to have one it’s “are you sure you want more?”. I know people mean well but it seems so unfair to have to fight tooth and nail for something that others seem to take for granted and complain about. Nothing about parenting even comes close to the emotional struggle and pain of infertility. One thing’s for sure, we’re definitely stronger for it xxx
Oh thanks! The fact that somebody that knows what infertility and parenting is says that nothing compares to the pain of infertility... Yeah! I Hope I can have children sometime and say It in first person to all of them
Yes, people always say to me “are you sure you want to go down that route?” and they put that smug smile on their faces because they have 2 or 3 kids. One of my colleagues who had his daughter through IVF told me that at least if we have children after infertility we would never even think of making silly comments like these.
Hey there! It is okay to vent out sometimes. It helps you stay calm. Otherwise, all the frustration bubbles up inside you and you end up getting anxious yourself. You mentioned that you can't get pregnant while others complain about all the things related to having children. See obviously it is very disturbing when people complain about these things. To some people this is all that they want; to hold a baby and raise him or her.While they should be thankful for experiencing parenthood, it can become frustrating sometimes for them as well. It was proved by a study that mothers do feel frustration towards their newborns.It is because of all the exhaustion and pain they went through. But again we crave for blessings we don't have. My advice to you would be to not feel bad about all these things.Consider options which can get you a fair chance to join the same club as your friends. You can get a baby via so many options. There are friends of mine, who went for surrogacy and there are some who chose IVF to get a baby. You can also consider your options.
I understand... I really hope you finally find your way, you deserve it. Xxx
Thanks, Jossy. And I really hope your pregnancy goes well. There are many ways of being a parent. Naturally, with help, surrogacy, adoption... but at the end you are that person to your kid, doesn't matter how It happened.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
My boss keeps talking about her pregnancy
Advice on how to cope with 2 best friends being pregnant and maintain a friendship 
Got my 4th transfer yesterday not sure how am feeling about it 
Ivf after csection/stillborn
How do I explain why I don't want to go to see my friends new baby?
