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Fertility Network UK
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I’ve got the fear......when to go ahead with next FET

My hubby and I have had both a fresh and frozen transfer in the last 9 months. Our FET gave us a BFP and then a week 6 loss in december. I struggled with terrible mood swings and cramps with the meds.

I’m terrified of feeling so unhinged with the meds again and of having another loss.

My hubby and I talk often about how to proceed and when. Some days I think we could be the best Aunt and Uncle ever and not have babies because of the fear. Other days I want to be able to do this and have family. My head and my heart are at constant battle and I feel like I’m going a bit daft!

Am I daft? Does/has anyone else felt this emotional struggle? I’d love to hear from you....

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Not daft at all, I’m having a hysteroscopt today and am then able to start my next FET. Part of me is absolutely terrified that I’m putting myself out for potentially more heartache but the other part of me thinks I can’t be left with ‘what ifs’. This is a tough journey in every way and I think the way your feeling is totally ‘normal’, I hope you decide to do what’s right for you xx

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You are so normal. Everyone on this journey feels this way so you’re not draft at all. I have days that I feel so low that I can’t get out of bed. Other days our better and I vow to keep fighting for my family whatever it takes! Sometimes I try to find reasons for why this is happening to me and that makes me really go crazy. At the end of the day all we can do is accept that we have these ups and downs and somehow ride them. Keep fighting and moving forward whatever it takes

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Absolutely totally understand how you are feeling. Your are not being daft and I think these are totally normal emotions and what we go through to protect ourselves from disappointment etc. Scared to try again and scared not to.

I too had a miscarriage at 6 weeks after 7 rounds of ICSI (6 with our own and 1 with DE). I have done two more DE FETs and about to move into my 3rd attempt with our FEs mid March.

How do I feel. Well meehhhh I am just going with the flow and seeing where it takes us and if it happens it happens and crap what do I do if this happens again do I want to face all the meds and emotions. It is so hard to keep putting yourself out there and wondering if you can handle the disappointment yet again but you know flip it the other way. We are brave and strong women who dare to put ourselves out there to achieve their goal and be prepared to take some significant knocks along the way.

The 'what ifs' are normal and we can have down days. Its ok to have a down day. Try not to beat yourself up. As my consultant says if you got pregnant once then you can again.

You will decide to do things when the time is right for you. I went immediately in for a FET after my miscarriage as the consultant said if you are strong enough go for it. Was I in a good place - probably not. Do I regret it - No.

But after that failed FET I took some time out. In fact the whole summer to do the things I wanted to do and would not have been able to do if I was pregnant e.g. mountain biking, road biking sportive, running competitions - whatever I AS A PERSON wanted to do.

So be kind to yourselves. Its a tough old journey.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

xx

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Thank you,

We are looking to maybe do a bit of decorating and have one of our infamous boozy weekends, then a detox, obviously! Probably think about it again in July some time. Which will have been 6 months off, do us good we think. It’s just the internal struggle, some times it makes me feel crazy!

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Dear Mrs Shaker1

In my experience with fertility clients, it is very common to fear the next step in your treatment and to have mixed feelings about when and if to go ahead with further treatment. You have just been through a very challenging time, both physically and emotionally and it is understandable that your mind wants to protect you from the possibility of any further stress or disappointment.

It is good that you and your husband are talking – keeping those channels of communication open through times of uncertainty and fear is very important.

Perhaps talking to someone at your clinic about your concerns regarding the medication will be helpful and reassuring. Very often, patients find it helpful to talk through their feelings with a counsellor who understands the process of fertility treatment. A counsellor won’t tell you what you should do but he or she will help to unravel and explore some of the more confusing thoughts and feelings you’re having at the moment.

Whatever you decide, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid. You are navigating your way through a challenging process and how you respond is unique to you. There is no ‘standard’ way to cope. Self-care and self-understanding are key whilst you go through this.

Do be in touch again, should you need any further help.

Warm regards

Deborah

Volunteer Counsellor FNUK

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Thank you.

I always thought walking into the clinic the most important thing to me was that we wanted children. But now, with the experiences I’ve had so far, I feel that the most important thing walking into the clinic is to what extent am I prepared to go to have children? I know the answer to that having seen so many fractured couples, is that I am not prepared to have a child at the expense of my husband. Sounds clinical, but it’s honest. But my lovely and supportive husband aside, the question still stands how much am we prepared to go through? It’s tough.

We are seeing our clinics counsellor next week, hopefully that will help with our thinking.

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Thanks for updating. I hope the counselling session will help and I wish you well.

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Definitely not daft as I battle with exactly the same struggles! It’s always a thought on my mind as to whether I’m strong enough to keep going and also whether I want to continue to put pressure on my relationship... But then I think of being a parent and want to go head in and do whatever it takes!

As always, I think it’s the not knowing whether we will or won’t that makes us question it as if we all had a definite date of when we would conceive, the wait would be much easier!

Its a tough ride and you’ve done amazingly to get this far.. I’m sure you’ll know what to do when the time is right.. Xxx

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Well I very much sympathize with those doubts and questions... in my case it's my husband who wants a child most, so I am finding it particularly hard to find the motivation to keep going give that we have had unpredictable set-backs and I had unpleasant side effects from the medications (still unable to get to embryo transfer stage, sigh). I think it is important that you are being honest and reflecting about your motivations and commitment. I hope your husband understands you and you can keep an open and rewarding conversation. Good luck!! xx

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