69 days after starting my injections - our scan at 7 weeks and 2 days arrived today.
Nothing can prepare you for when you hear bad news in the world of IVF. But there was nothing there. The 'twembryos', as Mr Emu had named them, weren't there. Just last night he'd gasped that they were now the size of raspberries. This morning, in a tiny room with the lights dimmed I heard him from across the room gasp as our consultant told us the bad news.
I'd worried about this day nearly every day since my BFP. And today we were faced with either a chemical pregnancy or a missed miscarriage. I was right to worry.
Nothing prepares you for seeing your partner in crime, and rock, cry when his mum texts to tell us to 'look after each other'. I always want him to cry; because I worry he just bottles emotions up. But when he does I want it to stop. I want to take the pain away. It makes me cry more. I'm mad with my stupid body; but I know if any woman on here put that I'd beg them not to blame themselves.
Every time I think I've run out of tears; I've not. Every time I think I can't smile or laugh; I can. Tonight we'll hold each other tight. "Not more tears!" Mr Emu will tease as he checks my eyes for leaks. Tomorrow we'll go to work and face as much as we can before heading home and probably claim we'd wished we'd stayed at home.
Gin! Yey! No pessaries! Yey! No baby! Crap.
X
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emu2016
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So sorry to hear this. I had a missed miscarriage when we went for our 8 week scan and nothing can prepare you for those words. I've never felt pain like it. 😔
Give yourselves time to heal its such a heart breaking time xx
I'm so so sorry...... I'm absolutely gutted for you....... I thought about you when at seacroft this morning and was looking out for your post. I'm sending you so much love as I know that words can't really help. You are such a strong person.... thinking of you at this sad time xx
We arrived at about 10.20am so just missed you.... it was weird though I still wondered if it was you and mr emu when I saw couples and felt comforted. I'm so sorry it wasn't the outcome you deserve.... it's so cruel... I hope you can come through this fighting... look after yourself I'm always here if you need a chat xxxx
I am so so sorry. Just read your reply on my post. Remember we are strong and will find a way through this. It won't beat us. You're right, it's been a crap day. But it's not over. Sending virtual hugs. Take care of yourselves and each other xxx
You too. I didn't even tell you to take care. I was just struck by how right you were about carrying on. I can't imagine getting to 12 weeks and then hearing that news. I hope you too are snuggled up tight. Big hugs xxxx
Just broke down in tears reading this post, I am so sad for you both life is so unfair. Please don't blame yourself and look after each other at this difficult time, you have been amazing tower of strength to me the last few weeks 💔💔💔
I am not going to stop being your strength. You're up next lady and you'll have amazing strength to get there. And I'm going to be there for you like you've been there for me xxx
Oh no, I'm so so sorry to hear this - I know how I felt not making it to the end if the 2ww so can only imagine how you must be feeling just now. You are such a positive person from everything you have been posting on everybody's questions so take the time now to look after yourselves. Do you have to go to work tomorrow? Absolutely gutted for you xx
All I remember the day I got my bad news was you telling me to go home - & I did. You & Mr Emu are the most important people at the moment - your work will still be there another day. Take the time you need & don't feel you have to be brave - this whole process sucks.
And hey - what's wrong with drinking gin at 10am??!!
I'm so sorry to hear this. I loved reading you positive story. There is nothing worse than finding about bad news at the scan. You've already become attached to them by then and fallen in love. I can't believe you're contemplating work tomorrow. You're extremely brave. Sending lots of love xx
I'm so sorry to you and Mr Emu and the twembryos - this is tragic - I'm truly so saddened to read your post. For seven weeks you must have been elated and then what a shock - I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through - do you have to go to work? Life is so cruel and painful and testing at times but even now you are writing so well and with wit and I can tell just from these few words what an amazing relationship you two have with each other and this will keep you going. I keep telling myself that at least I am with the man that I love and want to spend my life with - we have each other - and you have all of us on here xxx
Jeeze I totally forgot to say love & hugs to you both!! I'm sitting here in tears with my hubby (I hope that's not insulting) & if we could send an ounce of better times then we would!!💔xx
Oh good god. You'll both set me off again! Not insulting at all. Your reply had lots of care in it. It's a rough road. I thought having to have donor eggs would be the hardest thing to deal with. But it's not. Keep those magical slippers on lady. xx
Well it is good to cry!! I didn't know I could care so much about people I didn't know, though realistically we know more about each other than our everyday friends do!! I'm trying to believe in those magical slippers, times like this you realise fairy tales are sh*te!!xx
I am so so so sorry! It sounds like you and your husband are rocks for each other. Keep on loving each other and making each other smile! Thoughts are with you! And don't go to work if you can't face it! x
Oh that is just the most awful news. I have no words that will comfort you enough. My heart is breaking for you. I cannot imagine how you both feel. I hope you can cling to each other. It certainly sounds like the strongest of relationships you have there. Sending you all my hugs xxx
I can't even .... first me, then Lou and now you. What a shit couple of weeks. I love you and am sending you love. It gets better, I know that doesn't help now, but it does. Xxx
When I read your post it was the first time I said to Mr Emu.... I'm panicking. It happens. Our consultant said it happens to 9% of people having this treatment. It didn't help. It didn't even make me feel special being in a small number! I know it gets better... I see you ladies moving on. I think that gives me strength xx
Dear lady, I won't lie to you, the hardest bit is yet to come, passing the product of pregnancy is unpleasant and emotionally challenging but after that the healing begins, if you need me I'm here and happy to help in any way I can xxxx
I was just beginning to wonder.... when will it happen.... if there's nothing there.... literally nothing on the scan... will anything pass? I don't understand. Will I just have abnormal period? More tears. x
Lovey there are no words, I hate that this has happened to you. You truly are a wonderful lady and your posts of comfort and support on here for the rest of us have ment so much and we are all feeling your pain.
I am angry and sad at what you have went through today. Take some time, hold each other and remember that everyone of us on here has your back.
I'm fully expecting hilarious messages from you to keep me smiling. You must not let my news worry you about your journey. Every journey is different. There are so many women here who have been a part of my journey. But less than a handful of you who are my strength each day. You are one of those xxx
Waited for your post all day and worried something wasn't right. I just can't begin to say how sorry I am. Even my other half always asks how Emu is. I just want to say that you have been so lovely and supportive to many women here and your presence has meant a lot to many. It is too soon to decide what to do next but one thing I can say is that if this process has brought you even closer then your little beans have brought something more to your life. Xxx
Nope. That's it. The tears are back. I don't think I do anything different than so many other women on here. It's so nice that your other half asks how I am too. Give him an extra squeeze tonight. This crap takes it out of us all at some point. Life is also unfair. So bloody unfair xx
Oh dear emu and mr emu. U two are d pillars of strength for all of us . Atleast i now look upto u two. I'm sorry but I can't help my tears. I know how much I try to control my emotions but with every passing day I expect more than ever for it to work. Honestly I'm now rethinking about everything I've been planning. I do too - want him to cry . But when I does I hate it d most I don't know why why why. I'm just praying god gives u strength. Bcoz honestly there isn't anything I've got to say to u which I think might help. Sending u so so so many tight hugs. Xx
I've been refreshing this page all day waiting to hear of your scan update today. I'm SO sorry and upset for you!
You've been such a source of strength and support to so many here and you've handled this with such grace.
Today really does seem like a shower of bad news - people getting bad news at every stage. BFP then bfn then 7 weeks scan or miscarriages in between.
I didn't even get onto the first step and now I'm so worried about every future step.
I so wish there was some happy news for everyone around the corner- I really hope you and Mr Emu get all the love and support and encouragement to try again or look forward to the future whatever it may brings.
I barely know you and yet I can't describe how sad I feel for you. You seem like a fantastic couple- and more importantly you realise how strong and close you are to each other - so I'm sure you will have plenty of joy ahead of you. Stay strong xxx
Some people can't help but leave an impression on others xx
And I totally understand how you feel seeing your OH cry.
I had a negative test result- I was fine- I told my husband- he was upset as expected- I was fine... But then I saw his expression change to disappointment- and it felt like he was disappointed in me- that broke me- I just broke down into tears! Never did I think it would feel like this to see your OH hurting.
But, like you, I am blessed with a wonderful husband- it makes us so much more appreciative of each other.
Sorry for my rambling- I'm honestly shocked! Sending love and prayers your way xx
I am so sorry. Life is so unfair and cruel sometimes, even to the best of us. And you and Mr Emu sound like you are some of the very best around. Sending lots of love during this horrible time.
I burst into tears reading this...my heart is breaking for you both!! Dearest Emu, I am so very sorry for this terrible loss! I had everything crossed for you...things were going so well... 😭...now this. When is enough enough?
I am just so gutted for you and send all my love xx
Don't you be crying. You need to take care of those embryos. Give them an extra pat tonight. Enough is enough for now. But we'll work our next route when we can xx
So wish there was something I could do for you but know I can't. 😖 You remain my Guru and I just want you to know how much I admire your sparkling humour, sound advice and warm personality. Many many hugs coming your way xx
I'm so sorry to hear that Hun. Thinking of you both. Make sure you take care of yourself. My friends said to me the other day it's all a journey just some of routes are a little different and longer to get to where we want to get too x
I am so so sorry to hear this. We all read your news about your pregnancy with such happiness and now feel your loss with so much sadness. Look after yourselves xxxx
Oh emu2016, I am so so sorry, this is devastating to read and my heart goes out to you both. I know that feeling of being told that at a scan and it is truly one of the worse feelings and situations a couple can experience. Please don't rush back to work it takes lots of time to heal from this. Thinking of you both xxx
O no, no, no, no, no. Emu, I haven't been on here for a while, dealing with my own grief.. but seeing the start of your message come to my email I feared the worst. There are no words!! I am so devastated for you.. I can't believe life can be so cruel sometimes.. that you thought, we ALL thought that you were doing really well... I am so so so so sorry. Huge hugs and will be thinking of you. Big big hugs xxxx
Having never got off first base, I can only imagine what this is like... and it is a devastating thought. Hang on in there, allow yourself to be however you need to be today.. and I am just trusting that there WILL BE happier days ahead. Much love to you and Mr Emu xxx
Oh my dear this has made me so sad to read this. Life is so unbearably cruel. I'd so hoped for you that everything would be ok. I genuinely am going to bed tonight with a heavier heart. I pray for peace for you both. In school on Monday, we were learning about desperate situations (context of Africa and lack of clean water etc) and a little girl aged 7 who is currently having her third round of chemotherapy to shrink a brain tumour which has already stolen her eyesight, said to me, well we just pray. When there's nothing else to do, we pray. Her wisdom and faith have been inspiring me this week. Sending you a big hug, Vic x
I think waking up to hundreds of people losing their home and possibly their life in London this morning made me realise life is cruel but could be worse. That little girls story confirms it even more. Please....put all your prayers with her. I am doing so right now. Thank you for sharing xx
It's so hard isn't it because infertility ends up ruling your life even when you try not to let it. Your pain though is no less important or significant than anyone else going through a difficult time. I find her story inspiring because she's actually doing very well. She has defied doctors expectations and so whilst they're using all the science knowledge and technology, maybe what's making the difference is hers and her parents' faith. I'm trying really hard to draw on this myself at the moment. x
There's so much happening in the world that's sad and painful and we can always find perspective as a result but nevertheless you have both suffered a huge loss on this painful journey. Thinking of you and prayers with you at this terribly sad time. Xxx 💕
I'm so sorry to hear this sending you both love, from your posts you both seem amazing people.
That's the spirit! It's the initial shock at getting the bad news that completely floors you. Once you're over that initial shock you begin to accept things xx
Oh emu I am so so sorry to be reading this, life can be so cruel.... This process has made me test my faith...but I am doing a little prayer for you and all the other lovely ladies and couples on here that we make it to the other side one day xxxx
I am so sorry to read your news. I can tell from all your lovely posts that you and your OH will get each other through this awful time. Look after each other x
No words just a big huge understanding hug.. hubby sounds like a rock xx
Oh Emu - I'm so, so sorry to read this. My heart is breaking - no one should have to go through all this to hear that news. I can't find words to make it better although I wish I could. Sending you a big hug lovely xxxxx
Awww I am.so sorry to hear this no amount of sorry or whatever I am going to say will really make much difference but I'm thinking of u and ur husband xxx
Oh no, Emu, that's so awful. I'm so sorry for you and you are right don't blame your body or yourself you have done all the right things. It's such a cruel and horrible journey. So painful. Do you have to go to work? I'd bunk off if I were you and have a duvet day. You certainly deserve it. Sending you and Mr Emu big hugs. Xxxx
I just broke down in tears after reading your post. Life is so unfair. To go through so much and get so far. Are they absolutely sure that it's not just an unclear ultrasound?
Absolutely heartbroken for you both. Please look after yourself and each other. Big hugs x
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you both. Your previous posts always made me smile and I really am gutted this post wasn't the same. Sending big hugs to you. xx
I can only write my poems when I'm happy... so no poem here. This whole process sucks and I've eaten 3 helpings of chocolate brownie to try and put the wrongs of this world right again. One piece was for me as I'm so sad as you are such a lovely girl who's made one helluva impact on this foum, one piece is for Mr Emu... u know ur in trouble when your other half's tears start to fall and the last piece (the biggest, gooiest one with the lions share of chocolate chunks & chocolate shavings on top) goes to you my love.
You're made of strong stuff, you do exactly what you both damn well feel is right today. Sod work, it doesn't matter, just be together and take comfort from what you have between you as I promise not many people have it, it's often only through such hard times as this can you often see what an incredible person you're with (or not sometimes!) you've got your man and the little uns will come when they're ready! The tougher the times the more you see how strong or weak the glue is which binds you and you two are without doubt stuck fast!! You are one and you will both get through this and get what you deserve as I am not prepared to think the world could be so cruel to deny one of its stars the happy ending she so evidently deserves. I'm 10,000 miles on the other side of the world and my thoughts go out to you (as do my 2 pieces of virtual chocolate brownie). You will pick yourself up when ready and fight once more and we will continue to marvel at your strength. Lots of love and hugs Sxx
As soon as I saw you'd posted I thought "well if that's a poem; I'm done for...there'll be more tears!"
Sounds weird but being in work helped a bit. This morning I didn't want to be alone and I didn't want to talk about it. Work was a helpful distraction for 4 hours. Back home and Mr Emu and me are asleep on the sofa. Well I'm clearly awake now!
I know we'll pick ourselves up. And you know what? It could have been worse...I'm so blessed not to have got further down the journey. I really do consider those losses which are further along complete torture. Our ending is just sad. As ever you comments make me smile. This time though; I want brownie xx
I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you have a supportive partner and family around you, I hope you are able to get through this together and on to whatever you choose to do next. XX
Emu2016 I am so desperately sad about this. I joined this group the day I had a m/c looking for some support & strength and you gave that to me. I read all of you're posts and do indeed feel like I know you. From only the posts you write, we can all tell what a wonderful woman you are. I wish I can take all the pain of you lovely ladies, only trying to get something that comes so bloody easy to others. The injustice is infuriating. I can say no more... 😢 x x x
Oh Emu.... I'm sitting here feeling like someone has knocked the wind right out of me... I'm just so sorry you're going through this, this whole process makes me want to scream sometimes!
Your posts and your attitude are so inspiring to so many of us on here. You really are amazing. Please remember that. Sending you and Mr Emu a massive squeeze xxxx
Screaming is exactly where I was this morning. I don't feel very inspirational. But my goodness it's so lovely to read xx
I am completely shocked at this. I am so so sorry Mrs Emu and for Mr Emu.. IVF takes a very strong stomach heart and mind. Take time to recover from this.
I know this is probably too early to say this, but I do have a few friends who had had to go through quite a few rounds and miscarriages but they are parents now. Not sure if that helps at this stage.. but there is always hope amongst these dark days. The dark days won't last, it will pass and you will start to recover and build strength to try again.
I know you have given so much support to so many people on here.
Big hugs to you both. I wish there was something I could do. xxxxxxxxx
You keep that positivity. It will happen for you xx
Emu just wanted to saying I'm thinking of you and Mr emu I'm shocked and saddened to read your post. I'm sure you will be taking care of each other through this horrible time. Good that you have work as a distraction during the day sometimes routine is the best thing to get you through. Sending my love to you both xxx
I'm so sorry to read this; it's such an injustice. If ever there was a group of people who understand even a fraction of what the two of you must be feeling, it's this one.x
Emu I'm so sorry.. having not long seen this or I would have posted sooner.
I can't begin to imagine how your feeling having not got very far down my own journey..
I joined this forum for some support and strength when I was having a really low time and have got to learn a little of everyone through their posts, so it really saddened me to see this today, having been keeping an eye out and missing it.
I hope you and Mr Emu stay strong and take the time for yourselves.
Oh honey I am so sorry and know exactly how you are feeling. We had a positive six week scan and saw the heart beat and then I just knew something was wrong. We immediately went to the early pregnancy unit and I should have twigged when a second nurse came in. Our little one had failed to thrive.
We just looked in disbelief and horror.
My thoughts are with you. It is so devastating and it is so easy to think 'what did I do;, 'should I have not done x and y' and you will hear - it is just one of those things (a phrase I hate). You think why me. Why can my body not do the basic things. Why does X seem to shell babies out like peas - all totally normal.
Take time to grieve. Take time for yourself. Just take your time.
Hi emu2016. You have given so much love and thought to all the ladies here, so don't forget, if you need to PM me or email me in confidence at any time, please do. Sending you endless love, and thank you for being "you". Diane xxxxx
So sorry to hear your news, Emu! Anything I say is going to sound flippant: there just aren't words for a thing like this. We were all hoping that it would be your turn. Sending a lot of love (and comfort and gin) your way. xoxo
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so so sorry xxxx sending love to you both xx
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