My wife and I just had our first failed attempt and there seems to be a lot of support for women but not for men. Are there any guys who's had this happen to?
I was really devastated and gutted it didn't happen, also it's a financial burden but we want it to happen. I'm looking after everyone else and keeping strong for them, but in turn I'm keeping it to myself. Half of people's advice is get over it and move on, the others are saying to keep optimistic, de-stress and enjoy Xmas. Work won't give me any more time off meaning I'd have to wait for the new financial holiday year ( Apr), but the wife wants to start again sooner in February. We have two frozen embryos. So in summary,
1) I want to start it with my wife but am restrained by lack of holiday
2) what's the success rate of thawing out frozen embryo transfer
3) any general advice really
Thank you all
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Dijon
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Hi, I felt exactly the same for my husband the majority of the support is all aimed towards me. We’ve had 4 cycles - 2 MMC and 2 unsuccessful and he like you has told me he’s felt he’s had to keep strong to support me. Have you considered talking to a councillor either on your own or with your wife?
I think often people that give that advice haven’t experienced this journey and don’t understand the emotional and physical strain it has on your life.
At my clinic, during a frozen cycle my husband didn’t have to come to as many appt just the initial one to sign the paperwork and the transfer which fell on a weekend. An FET is a lot let stress on the body and I was able to start again after 3 months, I’ve had 4/4 embryos successfully thaw. Sounds like your wife is very lucky to have your support but you need to look after yourself to x
Hi there Dijon. Good to hear from you. You're absolutely right, on the support forums I've been on it's mostly ladies. I think on 'fertility friends' there is a forum section for men, so that might be worth checking out. And you are very welcome here... but perhaps you or Fertility Network could consider starting 'Fertility Network; men's section'!
I am so sorry to hear about your failed cycle. I think you and your wife will just have to intermittently chat about it and decide what is right for you both re when to start again, pre-April or post-April, and if it's possible for your wife to go to appointments on her own etc if needed. And I'm sorry your work are not being understanding. I wonder if they would give you even one day so you could be there for embryo transfer if you decide to go ahead pre-April. I went to quite a lot of appointments on my own last cycle with hubby coming for embryo transfer. With a frozen cycle, you and the cliniic could probably try time things for a weekend transfer.
Re success rates of thawing. Without looking it up, I think it's really high. The theory is that if you've got a blastocyst it is pretty robust.. the success rate of thawing is more than 90%. And there is debate at the moment that ivf success rates may be better with a FET (frozen embryo transfer) than fresh. Some clinics are doing proper research into this at the moment. The idea is that the lady's hormone levels may be more normal as she won't have had all the egg stimming drugs in her system and the uterus more receptive. And if the blastocyst has survived thawing, it's a tough little chappie.
The other thing to know is that a frozen cycle is much less of a palava and not so bad drug wise on us ladies.
Do find people you can talk to, or check out how your wife is feeling about talking more... and it may be ok to share more how you are both feeling more often. It's such a joint enterprise, don't feel you have to be 'the strong one'. (but that's just my take of course) From me and my hubby's experience... sometimes one of us wants to talk, but it's too raw for the other person, so we just have a little chat and a hug... but then later we can both talk more fully how we are both feeling. My hubby also has a male friend he meets for a beer who he can really chat to and who is very supportive.
The other thing I would say, is that my hubby probably has stronger emotions than me, and finds the whole thing more of a rollercoaster than me, getting very upset at times. (Although I had a complete melt down last cycle!!) And that is ok. I think there can be a stereotype that it's the lady who feels one way, and the man who feels or acts another. Be who you are, and share how you are.
Anyhow, long epistle. Really hoping you and your wife have a good Christmas, and so glad you have two frosties in the freezer. Really good position to be in.
Sorry there are only a few men on this site but we're a good bunch here and will help if we can....not quite the same I know however you do get inside info form a women's perspective! I think some of the advice regarding having some down time is a good idea, let yourselves have Christmas to relax a little if you can. I did a cycle over xmas last year and its really crappy!
Regarding you wife wanting to crack on with treatment in Feb, can completely understand why she would want to get going again. My hubby couldnt always come to scan appointments for lining checks but I felt I could do that by myself. The drugs and treatment is so much less harsh than doing a full cycle with egg collections. I think my hubbys main concern was that he wouldnt feel very involved which of course might be the case with you. Could your wife manage to go to appointments and you just be there for transfer, I know its naughty but could you pull a sickie for one day? Or is a weekend transfer a possibility, the clinic may be able to help you work around this!
With regards to defrosting, the rates are really good as they only freeze good quality embryos as these have the best chance of survival however there is always the chance that defrosting may not go to plan no matter on how good the odds are. Again if you were having a day off you would be around for this.
As for other advice, just talk, talk and talk when you both feel that you can and have plenty of hugs in between! Sometimes Im the strong one and on other days hubby is the strong one, emotions hit you at different times. Just remember you dont have to be on the same page so long as you're in the same chapter!x
so sorry with what you are both going through it must be devastating. What you are saying with having to be strong for us ladies is exactly what my husband says to me. He feels extremely frustrated and i have seen a big change in him mentally. We just do our best to pull each other to the surface when times get tough, but i do think it would be helpful for a just male forum for our men to go to. I haven't come across one but if there is can someone point me in the right direction please? Thanks xx
An article from the guardian someone posted on here last week also said there is a Facebook group for men who are going through infertility- no women allowed!! You may find that helpful?
Hi Dijon) I haven't experienced infertility issues by myself, however my sister did. We are very close with her, so I supported her during the whole process. I have never thought about it before, but you are right, women get more emotional support while TTC. As far as I remember the same was with my sister. Family gave more support to her, because it was really difficult for her to handle this challenge. And her husband is a great man, he was light during those dark times, he wasn't a lot emotional, maybe he felt that at least one of them should be still. Maybe the same happens with you, although people know that it's not an easy task for both, they believe you can deal with it on your own. Really complicated situation here.
As for frozen embryos, I have heard that it depends on their quality. If they were good, they will get even better, if bad - worse. Have you done PGD?
Also, regarding to experience of my sister, it's good to work with clinics that provide garantee packeges. My sister found one in Kiev, if i'm not mistaken, they have programms where in case of unsuccessful IVF you can start surrogacy and it will be included in the price of the program. But it was year ago, not so sure about current situation.
Wish you all the best and hope your second transfer would be successful!
Yes try to find somewhere above to talk. I would feel better if my husband had someone to talk to. Its good for everyone. If you find one that's good do share! But we do try to help here too. X
If you have frozen embryos then technically you don’t need any more holiday, your wife would just need someone to be with her at the time of the ET. But if I were you, I would call in sick that day and just self cert. I’d say I had a stomach bug. Then you can start as soon as the clinic thinks it’s ok to do so. I can understand why your wife just wants to get on and try again- all the waiting around is one of the hardest things about IVF.
hey welcome on here..so brave of you to speak out and we are a fab helpful bunch even the few men on here. thaw rate is something like 90 % and as folk say it is so frozen transfer is much easier. from women's perspective once on this treadmill it is sometimes easier just to keep going. we went to counselling which my hubby found really useful and she talked about how men often stay strong for us but that it is so ok to say you are not ok...so sorry for ur loss and sending you both lots of love xx
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