Feeling lost on my journey

[My_Miracle_Is_Here]

My husband had a failed vasectomy reversal. We had 4 vials of sperm frozen and embarked on the IVF/ICSI journey.

1st Fresh cycle I felt excited and confident as I had no known fertility issues. I responded well to the medication and ended up with 5 good quality blastocysts (1x5AA, 2x5AB, 2x6BB). I had the best one transferred which resulted in a Chemical Pregnancy.

1st Frozen cycle I was not excited. I felt numb. But each time I went for a hospital appointment I would end up in tears afterwards - for no reason, it was all good news. Test day was simple negative (BFN).

I'm currently in my 2nd Frozen cycle I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I can't get myself together. I'm grumpy and tearful. I've had an endometrial stimulation (the scratch) this time, so if anything I should be more positive.

Why do I feel this way? I hate feeling this way, I am normally a strong person with a half glass full attitude.

[KiraJean]

Oh Carrie! Sweetheart be kind to yourself! You have been through so much already and that is bound to make you feel anxious each time you try a new frozen cycle. Are you taking progesterone pessaries too? Just because the progesterone always made me feel crazy when I was on it and ever so sad.

Whatever happens, know that you are doing exceptionally well in very very difficult circumstances. This is a traumatic thing you are having to do and it is going to make you feel frustrated and upset. You are still that strong person 💪 and you still have a positive attitude. But you are just understandably upset by everything you have been through. Give yourself time.

I will be crossing my fingers and toes for you and wishing you all the luck in the world for this cycle. Xxxx

[My_Miracle_Is_Here in reply to KiraJean]

Thank you for replying KiraJean. It’s so nice to connect with someone else going through the same thing as me. And thank you for your kind words.

I’m only on Buseralin injections, almost 2 weeks into my cycle with my baseline scan on Friday.

I took the day off work today to think. I’m not happy with recent changes within my job so finding it stressful and then worrying about stress is making it worse. So decided to speak to my manager tomorrow about options. Nobody knows about my IVF treatment and will keep it that way too. xxx

[KiraJean in reply to My_Miracle_Is_Here]

Balancing work and IVF is really hard. And no one really understands what it is like unless they themselves have been through it. But rest assured we all know how you feel here and we are all sending you our support.

Take some days off if you need to and make sure you really prioritise and look after yourself. I'm thinking of you xx

[Oakey80]

You poor thing...I could have written this myself a few months ago (we were also having treatment due to male factor). I think it's only natural that ur feeling all these things, as ivf treatment and infertility in itself is so draining.

I'm lucky enough to be 20wks pregnant following an fet but im still struggling everyday with what I've been through. I was so intent on being strong and "hitting the target" I held it all back ...but now it's finding it's way out in other ways!

I don't really have any advice except u are normal in what ur feeling...and don't bottle it up if u can! (I've learnt the hard way!)

Good luck with ur fet!! Xxx

[My_Miracle_Is_Here in reply to Oakey80]

Congratulations! I do really like to hear when others have success - as it’s a reminder of hope.

You’ve been though so much. I hope things start to improve.

Thank you for replying, so pleased to have found this site as I don’t feel so alone now.

[Emily7]

Thinking of you Carrie. It's such a rollercoaster isn't it. I'm about to start my third cycle - this one being FET and the first two we're fresh cycles. I'm nervous of being on Buserlin which I'm starting next week. I hope I don't have any side affects... I am having an endo scratch next week so am hoping that will improve my chances of success as haven't had the scratch before. All the best for you cycle. Big fingers crossed it's third time lucky for us xxx

[My_Miracle_Is_Here in reply to Emily7]

Wishing you all the luck with your cycle! It’s funny how it really is a game of luck when we’re prepared to work so hard for it.

It was my first scratch too. My consultant isn’t convinced that it really works, but was happy for us to try it. We’ve got nothing to lose after all.

Did you suffer from Buserelin side effects before? The frozen cycle is so much easier physically. You don’t get the same bloating which is so much more comfortable.

Like you say - third time lucky (fingers crossed), hugs xx

[Emily7]

I know, it's such a game of luck. I'm trying to stay positive this cycle but finding it harder to stay positive than my last two cycles especially as the embroyo is only B+/B- but the doctor did say don't give up hope as it's also about the chromosomes. I didn't have to use Buserelin before as didn't do proper down regs last time. The first time I have to take Buserelin is the same day I'm a bridesmaid so hopefully any side effects I get don't start on the first day! Hugs to you too xx

[My_Miracle_Is_Here in reply to Emily7]

The Buserelin doesn’t always have side effects, I didn’t have any in my 1st and 2nd cycle. And this cycle I’ve had some headaches, but not sure if they are directly related to the Buserelin. Fingers crossed you don’t get any either. Don’t worry about starting it the day you are a bridesmaid, it takes a few days to get into your system. xx