How to feel at peace with decisions and next stage of journey

[Skittles11]

Hi all

Hope everyone is doing okay

I wondered if anyone else has been in this turmoil and if anyone has any tips on what to do about it.

I have been struggling for months with what to do next in terms of where to have DE treatment - UK or abroad.

My husband and I have been to town and back on it so many times, I've spoken to a counsellor and I've joined DCN. Also some lovely folk on here have DMd me to share experiences.

But I continue to struggle with decision making. I struggle to decide what to eat off a menu so how can I possibly decide this. It just feels like too much of a major decision. And I feel like a broken record.

I can't decide if I want an anonymous donor or not. Can't decide what I think is most important when I look at different clinic's offerings - I know there is no perfect scenario but I am paralysed in making a decision. Every time I think I've decided I think "yeah but that other clinic is offering this" and then I reconsider.

Did anyone else go through this? I feel like others seem to have more of a "gut" instinct. I thought maybe I just needed more time and maybe that is the case - but I did start exploring donor eggs a while back.

I am really worried about picking a clinic and then feeling unsupported like I did my first clinic.

Has anyone got any advice for me on how to move forward? And how to make this decision?

Or maybe the reality is I can do nothing more. Thank you

[Mari55a]

Hi Skittles I hope you are doing ok… it’s a difficult process to be going through that’s for sure… Am sending you big hugs xx After another failed transfer a few weeks ago we decided to forgo transferring our last two remaining untested embryos and go straight to donor eggs. I just couldn’t take doing the same thing and each time being dealt with more heartache. Something needed to change. We are based in Australia and my specialist mentioned a few places off the cuff- including one in Spain and we just decided to go for it - all I did was check it was a reputable and established place with a large egg bank and then I called them up and booked us in. They also offer guarantees which I found appealing- not because I’m naive enough to think it’s guaranteed to work for me but because I feel that if they can offer that - they are backing themselves and their technology. We are learning that there is so much to this process that is out of our control and there are so many options and choices it can be paralysing… So it wasn’t gut instinct or thorough research for us - we just took a recommendation and ran with it because it was one less decision I had to make and we wanted the quickest route possible to starting our little family. So we are just going to close our eyes, jump in and see where it takes us. I don’t know if this helps but just wanted to let you know that is how we are doing it and as I wrote on another post - I’m a bit terrified, a bit apprehensive but most importantly- a tiny bit hopeful now too. I hope you’re ok and I hope at some point you feel comfortable picking a place that works for you x

[BenjitheG in reply to Mari55a]

I really connect with this Mari55a. I feel a bit apprehensive and nervous about starting down the DE route to but like you needed to do something different after the heart ache and disappointment with my OE. Wishing you best of luck on your spanish and fertility journey. X

[BenjitheG]

Making decisions on this journey is sooo hard Skittles11, as there is so much at steak but yet so much that is unknown. Sounds like your already taken some really positive steps having counselling and also joining the donor conception network. You won’t be alone with this nervousness in making a decision but lots of people that can help.

We have kind of gone down a hybrid UK/overseas option as I’ve changed to a different UK clinic that has a link to a European egg bank as I know egg supply in the UK can be a challenge. For us it needs to be from a kind stranger rather than a known personal donor. We like having some basic donor information as the basis when we start choosing our donor. I also find it helpful to think that any personal qualities vary hugely even between siblings so those traits in egg donors are no guarantee it passes on.

Try and break things down into smaller decisions were you can, like thinking about your capacity to travel etc and how you feel at any introductory appointments with new clinics as that can really help you identify someone that can help you on your journey.

Best of luck on this, wishing you baby dust 💕

[CyclingAddict]

Hi Skittles, it's an absolute minefield this IVF! Me and my DH contemplated going down the sperm donor route and sought some help from a fertility counsellor about a two years ago. She explained the pros and cons of using sperm from someone we know versus someone we don't. What resonated with me is when she said it's often easier when the sperm/eggs are from a stranger as many people who use the sperm/eggs of a person they know didn't always anticipate how awkward/confronting it can be having a child that is biologically connected to someone you have to interact with day-2-day.

The good thing about using donor eggs/sperm today is that loads of research has been done into how to best talk to a child that was conceived using a donor egg/sperm. For instance, it's considered good practice to raise a child knowing from day dot that they were conceived via donor sperm/egg, but using language like 'mummy couldn't use her own eggs, so a kind lady helped' - and stay away from terms like 'biological mum/dad/parent' as it's confusing and they aren't the 'mum/dad/parent' - you are. It's also considered good practice for the child to have some information about the donor, so many clinics have donors write letters talking about their interests and hobbies. And, in the UK atleast, donors can no longer chose to remain anonymous. This is because studies found that people born through donor eggs/sperm often struggled not having the option to contact them, even if they chose not to.

Things kinda worked out differently for me and we managed to get pregnant using my DH's sperm. But there's no doubt that, if that didn't work, we would've used donor sperm. Like my fertility counsellor said to my DH when he was confronted with the reality that we might not be able to use his sperm, having a child via a donor is a different experience/feeling, and there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that. But I suppose different doesn't always mean worse, and nuture is far more powerful and influential than nature. Good luck x

[Backagain987]

Hey lovely, I notice in your post you mention feeling unsupported - you may already have don't this but I think if you could zoom in on what support you think you will need you might then be able to identify if one of your clinic options is good for that? I only say that because the clinic we did DE with in London was so big you were just one of a number, but by the time we got to DE (as you know round 7) I didn't feel like I needed any emotional support as I had been there done that, and tbh by that time I was so disengaged with it all and so convinced it wouldn't work that it kind of helped me to be removed from it! Although the relentless optimism of my consultant did definitely give me a small ray of hope! xx

[Gempuddleduck]

Hello lovely. I would make a list of everything that’s important to you. For example, success rates, donor looking like you, support from clinic, ease of logistics (travel etc), waiting list, costs etc

I would then put them in order of importance to you and your hubby.

Perhaps in your gut, the most important thing is success rates so maybe go for the clinic which has that. Or maybe you’re keen for the baby to look as much like you as possible.

For me, a short waiting list in the uk was the most important as I didn’t want to travel abroad and we had been on the journey for so long.

Our donor is not anonymous as we wanted our baby to have the choice to find her if they wanted to. He might not want to, but at least the option is there.

If we had decided to keep him in the dark about being a donor egg baby then we would probably have gone with anonymous.

Hope that helps a little bit. Just remember that whatever choice you make will be the right one for you. Trust your gut and have confident in your instinct.

Thinking of you xx

[Kitkat10]

hi, similar to Gempuddleduck , for us it was logistics of the clinic in terms of travelling time as I knew I could only take limited time off work.

We also wanted an open donor so that the child could seek more information if they wanted to. Some egg banks had a longer waiting list. We went with CARE and after about 4 weeks I had made my donor choice. I wanted to start treatment ASAP.

That being said, I took around 3 months for all the options swirling round in my head, to finally settle on the path I chose. I found it useful to write everything down and I made a table with each factor for each clinic so I could compare them. It consumed my every thought for a while and I lay awake at night trying to decide what to do.

I didn’t find my clinic very supportive after I had chosen my donor and paid the money, but by that time it was my 7th transfer and in some ways I found it less pressure since it was not my eggs any more.

It’s still a huge decision and just got to take your time until you feel what’s right for you. Xx

[Doodlebug23]

I know you’ve been going round in circles with this decision, and you’ve done lots of research and has lots of advice and experiences off us lovely lot on here, so I say now do your shortlist and just take a punt and go for it!! Sooner you jump in the sooner this long awaited baby will be on the way!

I’m great at procrastination, and on deciding a hotel room I have a spreadsheet and and list of good/bad points 😂🙈 Sometimes you just have to say fuck it and just go for it!

[Natcal]

Hi skittles11. These decisions can seem so daunting and based on shallow choices like eye color or hair color. My mother-in- law said something brilliant to me while I'm making these decisions too. She said "sounds like you're in the boat with the rest of us. Just looking for a cute guy that wears garments ( she is LDS), then you find one have kids and realize he's crazy!" I believe we have some choices in life but ultimately it's all a roll of the dice so take a deep breath, make your best guess, and take a chance. Know that you can handle whatever comes up when the time comes and don't worry about things that haven't happened yet. Let love ne your motivator and guide, not fear. Best of luck to you and the rest of us in this boat. Big hugs.

[katiehopeful81]

hi Skittles11 I’ve just seen this post. I am also struggling with the exact same decision, although I’ve had a clinic in mind for a while… but not in actually talking to them im starting to have doubts

I want to have as much control over choosing the donor as possible and wanted to see adult photos… this in itself narrowed it down to only a couple of clinics.

I’d be grateful if anyone could dm me the names of any clinics where you can see adult photos of egg donors pls? I only know of two.