An odd evening

A small rant but I need it .....

Tonight I sat around a table with five of my oldest and dearest friends and listened and two simultaneously announced they were expecting whilst the other three who already have kids began to give advice. Now once I congratulated them and gave them a hug I sat in silence for the remainder of the meal just nodding and smiling whilst holding back the flood of tears that was inside. This was their moment and I love them.

When I got home I shut the door and cried for what felt like an eternity. They've all messaged individually as I rushed off claiming a migraine starting but is this the start of a downward decline in my friendship?? I have nothing to contribute to these discussion from here in and I don't want them to tiptoe around me it's not their fault I'm miserable and they can just fall pregnant. My other half told me I should have told them how upset I was - I disagree. They know my situation which is why they chose to tell me to my face but all the same. Sorry for the essay but sometimes I feel better once I've written it down. Does that make any sense?!

Xx

13 Replies

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  • I honestly know how you feel, it's awful and you feel so alone but you're not.

    I certainly had these moments with my dearest friends, our worlds are falling apart and everyone else's lives continue. They won't mean to upset you, I know I have recently been really over sensitive with my friends. Just take some time to process how you feel and go from there. X

  • Thank you. I feel that I need to be less sensitive to everything they are saying or not saying in my case. I don't want to lose them I'm keeping a little distance for a couple weeks claiming work too busy which will hopefully give me chance to clear my head a bit.

    Xx

  • You can't help how you feel, Its the most emotional journey unless you have experienced no one will understand. I hope you are ok and feeling better soon x

  • Yup totally! I was once at a jewellery party with a group of friends when they simultaneously each discussed the births of their children, it went on for what felt like an eternity. One of my very close friends was fully aware of my situation and I too felt she could have steered the conversation elsewhere. I do the same for my friends if a conversation becomes uncomfortable for whatever reason. It went from birthing stories to toddlers and beyond so I left sharpish too, cried my heart out when I got home. I've been in the baby pursuit for almost 10 years now and I find the best way is to actually tell people to change the subject as they are boring me! If they feel it's rude then so be it, if they are true friends they should realise how it makes you feel. Sending hugs! Know exactly how you feel right now xxx

  • Thank you - my husband says I need to grow balls and stop worrying about upsetting them so much! Bless him! Xx

  • It's hard but he's right! But like I say it's taken me a long time to be strong enough to speak up. If I'm ever lucky enough to get my baby I'm so not turning into a birthing story kind of a friend!!! Xxx

  • I totally understand, and it is hard and it could have been easy to change the conversation. I'm due to get married in a few months, and people keep saying to me - baby next!!! I just want to shout 'well maybe it's not that easy'. Maybe just taking a step back and having some time will help. Hope you feel better soon xx

  • I went to an infertility group where I shocked them cos I was the only one without kids! They all sat and discussed their birth experiences so I left early. Only one of them realised I felt awkward. Unfortunately the impact of infertility on relationships with family and friends with kids is another cruel part of this whole process. X

  • I know exactly how you feel. Whenever I get together with my closest friends the subject is always children and everyone giving advice to whoever has someone going through something. Beit potty training, becoming a big brother/sister etc. One night I sat there when one of my friends announced she was pregnant for the second time. She said "if you'd asked me first time round how to get pregnant then I would have just said have sex loads. But this time I realise it's not as straightforward as that. The first couple of months we tried nothing happened and I was getting frustrated then I realised it was down to timing. So now my advice would be have sex loads, but make sure you time it right." Well at that point I just had to excuse myself. I so wanted to say, actually it isn't as simple as that but I knew if I did then I'd have burst into tears on them all and ruined the night and I didn't want that. To be fair to my friend she didn't know what I was going through, but one of my other friends did and I would have hoped that she would have steered the situation away but she didn't. If your friends know about your situation could you maybe ask them to change the subject? Or change the subject yourself? Or if you feel comfortable listening to it for a small while then maybe ask them to just discuss it for a small time. I think people who haven't been there truly don't get how hard it is and don't realise that they're being insensitive and if they are true friends they would respect your wishes not to make it all about baby talk.

  • I totally get what you're going through. The isolation you feel is awful and to me it was unexpected. I had to go to a baby shower and I've never felt like such a lemon. I was the only one without children, I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. They didn't know my situation and I brushed off the 'no kids' with not wanting them just yet (I'm 37 and they looked at me as to say I can't afford to wait much longer!). It felt like I was pitied by all or misunderstood. I couldn't wait to leave.

    For my own sanity I had to take a back seat and temporarily separate myself from such friendships. I figured that it wouldn't be forever and true friends would still be there when I needed them. It's terrible that we have to go to such lengths but I cope much better by not putting myself in those situations anymore.

  • Hi

    I know it's hard but I find it easier to distance myself emotionally (not physically) from what is going on in my friends lives. My best friend is pregnant for the second time and I am really happy for her, she hasn't told anyone else yet, just me. It's not her fault that I am not pregnant. She hoped that we would be pregnant together from my first round of ivf. Another one of our friends went through ivf a couple of years ago and when my friends were pregnant through that, we hardly saw each other and didn't speak about the pregnancy because my friends felt guilty and bad for her and I would hate people to feel that way about me. I still meet up with friends, eve though I am the only one without kids. if they do just talk about kids when we are out then I just talk about my horse or cats!!

    You need your friends around you, unfortunately it feels like I have been going through this for the last 10 years, so perhaps I have hardened myself to it!

  • I can really sympathise with you, it's been one pregnancy announcement after the other for me. Either sisters, close friends or neighbours. Doesn't get any easier.

    I'm sure it was hard for your friends, I have found myself distancing myself from close pregnant friends, maybe I'm wrong but it's heart breaking to see their bump grow and wish I knew how it felt. As for my sisters I can't really distance myself but they know exactly how I feel, and if I cry I cry and they just comfort me .

    I meet with them now and Again and I prepare myself for seeing them, but keep in close contact with them by text of phone call.

    Take care of yourself and don't hold back those tears, such a difficult journey we are all on, I find these group a great help.

  • Sometimes I think my friends just get caught up in the conversation. They all have kids & one of my best friends is pregnant again. Their children are their world so I understand they want to talk about them but sometimes it goes on all night & kinda ruins our catch up for me. One time they kept talking about birth stories for what felt like forever I got a bit upset but didn't want to say anything to upset them as I know they didn't mean to exclude me. Instead when one said about there's no dignity in childbirth I blurted out more women have seen my lady parts then men due to fertility treatment! I then started telling them the uncomfortable parts of treatment & what happens in detail. My friends were shocked as I'd never told them the ins & outs as such. But I felt a lot better & although the conversations still go to children & birth it now also goes to my treatment more. A few friends have said it's made them feel more lucky.

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