When will I learn?

[NsKaz]

So I've had a good few days really. Been feeling positive with the house move and things in general. when 2 people asked me if I had kids this week and the worst "so are you going to have any more kids?" From someone I don't know well (more?!!! I haven't even fallen pregnant once so thanks for that - felt like an even harder kick in the teeth) I DIDN'T CRY!! So proud of myself. However, sitting tonight with a glass of wine (why the heck not - I've been "Gwyneth" for so long now and it's not helped) I went onto Instagram. I generally avoid it as well as Facebook & other types of social media as it starts me off down the whole comparing route, but I was feeling good so though why not. The first thing I saw was a picture of a friend wearing a top that said "preggers". Now whilst I am so happy for her and pleased that she's pregnant, of course it reminded me that I am not and made me feel rubbish. As i scrolled through I was met with more & more baby pics and 1st & 2nd birthday pics. (Stopped myself after a minute!) Now I feel awful. So so sad that I have been trying for so long that people are having their second babies and I haven't had one pregnancy.

I had my follow up appointment at the clinic on Tuesday which I know should be a positive thing and my second treatment with a new acupuncture lady today, but I just feel so fed up with it all.

My sister is getting married tomorrow and called me yesterday to ask if I would mind sitting on a table with a pregnant lady. I wanted to say that I would be fine, but I couldn't hand on heart say that it wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable. I ended up crying at the thought of it. Took me by surprise as I thought I was doing ok. Anyway, She was amazing and re-jigged things for me, but I hated that I had to cause a problem.

I'm sure I'll be fine and the wedding will be fab. I know this is just another one of those down moments and that I'll be fine in a few days, but I'm just so annoyed with myself that after all this time, knowing what my triggers are, I still put myself in this position. I know social media is bad for me whilst I'm going through all this. I am re-banning myself from all social media - for my sanity!!!

Only have to wait one more cycle before we can try for our FET so could be starting again by the end of sept / beginning of oct, so again I need to remind myself of the positives! My 5 little embryos are really good quality, so it might be our time next time. I have to keep the faith. 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Anyway thanks for taking the time to read my long and lamenting post! Tomorrow is another day.

Congratulations to everyone who has had their BFP! Enjoy every previous minute of your pregnancy. Sending love and baby dust to everyone who is still on this terrible journey.

Xxx

[Hidden]

I am really sorry... And I really, really wish it's your time next time.

It would be easier if people started seeing that not having children, struggling to conceive, etc is normal. At least that would help... And that is something they need to learn, not you.

All the best xxx

[E_05]

Don't blame yourself, I think we all forget how fragile we are. I've made the mistake many times of going on social medical and coming off a whole different person. My hubbys forever saying why don't you just delete your accounts but tbh out of stubbornness I won't, infertility has taken so much from me why should it take what can be used to share happiness etc to.

I think you were very brave saying to your sister about feeling uncomfortable sitting on a table with a pregnant lady, we have to look after ourselves to and you want to be able to relax and enjoy her day.

I hope you had a rested night and have an amazing time at the wedding today xx

[NsKaz in reply to E_05]

Thanks for your reply E_05 and for understanding. Excited for the wedding now. How are u feeling Hun? So sorry you're having a rough time of it. Thinking of u and keeping everything crossed xxx

[E_05 in reply to NsKaz]

Glad you're feeling excited for today 😊 I'm home now and feeling a lot better thanks, glad it's Friday! Lol xx

[Lamorna80]

These highs and lows are truly awful aren't they?

After my failed cycle and being so positive like everyone told me to be, the crash hit me hard. Now I'm terrified to put myself in that position again. I've always been such a strong person and was completely shocked by how I reacted to everything. I've had to distance myself from a number of friends with babies for my own sanity but feel down about having been such a social person in the past. I remind myself that I'll be that person again soon and keep contact with a couple of really close friends but this forum is the best place to talk to people that totally understand.

Your next try is coming soon, it is a game of chance but all the recent positive stories on here do give me hope. Good luck! X

[NsKaz in reply to Lamorna80]

Thanks for your reply. So sorry to hear about your failed cycle. You are right, u will be that person again but we have to do what we can to protect ourselves during this battle. Best of luck with your journey too! Xxx

[7AVA]

I generally stay off Facebook. When I lapse and have a sneaky peak it has the same effect on me and I don't know why I looked. So sorry you were feeling like this last night and I hope you've woken up feeling a bit better. It's a beautiful day where I am, hope it is for you too and you can go and enjoy your sister's wedding. Xxx

[NsKaz in reply to 7AVA]

Thanks 7AVA. Xxx fingers crossed the weather stays fab - woken up feeling excited about the wedding so sure we'll have an amazing time. Take care xx

[NsKaz]

Thanks so much for your replies ladies. Always makes me feel better to vent and chat to people on here - don't know where I'd be without this forum! Xx

[Gem1982]

I know exactly how you feel about Facebook, I am normally on it every day but I'm not going back as just end up making myself miserable comparing myself to everyone else and see friends going on trips with their kids and all I can think of is I want that to be me! X x glad you are back on the positive road! X x

[C_L_A_I_R_E]

I haven't been on Facebook or instagram for 6 months. I don't miss it anymore. I actually feel so much more happier and positive about life! People only show the happy parts of their lives on fb. I always think no ones life is perfect and everyone has their struggles, they just hide it on Facebook.

Keep the faith and good luck on your second cycle 🍀🤞🏻❤️

[Fredaflintstone in reply to C_L_A_I_R_E]

Totally agree- I find it makes me feel unhappy so I'm banning it again xx

[Fredaflintstone]

Good luck for your next try! And well done for sayknghow you felt about sitting on the table with a pregnant woman. It's important to look after ourselves. I did the same yesterday - I've not been going on Facebook but have slowly been sneaking back on. I stopped because it always seemed to be bad news or horrid stories and it was getting to me. Things seemed to have calmed down. Thought I'd have a peek last night - boom, someone who as far as I know doesn't have a boyfriend announces she's having a baby in March - which is when I would have been if our last ET had worked. I thought I was ok but it was a kick in the teeth. I guess I'll be scaling back again. Enjoy your sisters wedding today. Wishing you lots of luck with your next steps xxx

[ShellyC]

I think we have all had similar feelings to this, they are totally normal! Social media can be so awful, I know I need to go on FB less but it is hard to get out of habits. Well done for being honest with your sister. She clearly loves you and understands otherwise she wouldn't have asked. So don't worry, and make sure you have a wonderful (non Gwyneth!) day xx

[Leesara]

Meant to reply to your post before but forgot..., hope the wedding went ok and hope you're feeling ok oxo

[Rainbowbright1]

I know exactly what you are talking about with regards to social media!!! I have been 'free' for over a year now & honestly don't miss it & find I'm becoming my 'old' self again. Although I also avoid pregnant friends etc... Can't be super strong all of the time! It must be heartwarming to know your family are understanding about your situation and I'm sure your sister will not think you were causing hassle - if she did she wouldn't have asked in the first place! I Hooe you had a fantastic dayat the wedding!! Xx

[NsKaz]

Thanks lovely ladies for your replies! The wedding was brilliant. I'm so glad I did say something though and was sat on a really fun table in the end. Thinking I'm not ready to start my FET this cycle so might wait another month. I've only started to feel properly fit and well again in the last couple of weeks after my OHSS, but we'll see when AF comes - I might change my mind! Xxx wishing you all love and luck where ever u are on your journey xx

[Hormomalmess]

Good luck with your FET and I hope you enjoy the wedding xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

Bless your sister for caring enough to ask. The wedding we were at in August was so insensitive. Table plan done by someone who knows most of our story sat us at "the baby table"... us, a younger couple and then three couples our age each with a baby under one at the table. It was pretty sad for us, especially when one of the couples assumed we didn't have kids because I'm a teacher and so I probably feel like I get enough of kids at work. In the end I told them our story and had some lovely baby cuddles, but it did just remind me how much I want to join them in the sleepless nights etc! We all have low times, don't beat yourself up about it, it's natural xx

[NsKaz in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Ah I'm so sorry to hear that Lizzie. People just don't think sometimes. Thanks for your message. Hope you're ok xxx