Feeling...empty, flat and tired.

[NsKaz]

Hi lovely ladies. Firstly let me say I'm so thankful for this site! You are all so supportive and it feels great to have somewhere where I can write my thoughts and feelings with people who understand.

It's now 10 days since our BFN and I've been feeling such a variety of things. The first couple of days I was devastated, then I just picked myself up and carried on and was (for the first time) able to talk about what had happened quite 'matter of factly' and only get a bit fearful. On Friday I was furious. I mean so so angry and I don't even know at what. I was horrible to be around (my poor family and husband!) Then more tears came, along with the guilt. Guilt of putting my husband through so much, guilt of not being there for my pregnant friends and the damage it has done to our relationships, guilt that after being together 9 years and married 5 I haven't yet been able to give my husband a baby. (He laughs when I say this and says he's not Henry the 8th!) So lucky that he loves me for me and that there is no pressure there from him.

Anyway, I guess I'm just struggling. Struggling to be positive, struggling to see the point in anything other than IVF and TTC. Struggling to see how I'm going to get through the next 3 months before we can try again (FET). Struggling with the thought of how I'm going to go back to school and be surrounded by children day in day out again but not be pregnant (I really thought IVF was going to work and had imagined myself back at work pregnant- I teach 5&6 year olds and there's always so many pregnant mums/new babies at school).

My best friend is being induced today. This whole situation (me going through IVF and her being pregnant) has put such a strain on our relationship. She just doesn't understand (why would she?!) I'm happy, nervous and excited for her but also so sad for me. I'm seeing another friend today and meeting her new baby boy for the first time. I just don't know how I'm going to react / feel. (She doesn't know what I've been going through). I've woken up this morning wanting to cancel but I'm just at that age where everyone around me is pregnant or has a young baby & know I can't avoid everyone forever.

I just feel tired - it's been such a long journey and now the light at the end of the tunnel has moved further away. I hope I can keep it together today and just enjoy being around my friend and her new baby but I just don't know.

Love and hugs to everybody going through this horrible journey xxx

[Tugsgirl]

It's so tough. I can see today will be very difficult for you. We all know how you feel, sadly. However you decide to handle today; don't be too hard on yourself. Good luck xx

[NsKaz in reply to Tugsgirl]

Thanks lovely. It was actually ok in the end. I did get a little tearful but opened up to my friend and she was great. So supportive and understanding. I feel so much better and like I can handle things again! Xx

[Tugsgirl in reply to NsKaz]

I'm glad to hear it xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

I teach the same age. I know how hard it is. I find it helps to hold on to the fact that it's a privilege to be able to spend every day with children. Oh, and when parents ask me if I have children, I tell them that I haven't been able to. It stops me worrying that they think a child free teacher is a witch! And they've all been super sympathetic. (Not that it happens a lot, but there's always at least one nosey parent who asks at the start of a new school year).

[NsKaz in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Yes they can be a bit nosey can't they! Thanks x you are totally right, it's the best job in the world and a privilege. My class this year were the only thing that got me through the tough times x need to hold on to that. Thanks again and good luck in your journey. Enjoy the summer hols! Xx

[7AVA]

Sorry for your bfn. I teach Y3/4 and last year I felt overwhelmed at times with feeling I was spending my life caring for other people's children. But I am currently surrounded by cards, flowers and chocolates thanking me for teaching them this year. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it feels ok. You are much braver than me going to meet your friend with a new baby, I have two friends who I haven't seen since their babies were born. As someone on here said to me, keep in mind that you want your baby not hers. I keep trying to use this thought and it does help a bit xxx

[NsKaz in reply to 7AVA]

Ah thanks for your kind words. I've been very lucky this year with a wonderful class and some great parents so should be grateful for that. They are always so generous at this time of year too aren't they?

I'm glad I went in the end. I opened up to my friend and she was so supportive. Her little boy was lovely and though I got tearful when I first held him, it was no where near as bad as I thought it would be. I am strong and I feel like I can do this. Bring on the next 3 months and FET. I still have hope that IVF will work for us and need to hold on to that.

Good luck in your journey xxx

[7AVA in reply to NsKaz]

Well done NsKaz, you are a very good friend and I'm glad it didn't make you too upset - I'm inspired by you and will try to meet with my friends with babies this holiday if I feel able to. Good luck with your FET, I hope everything goes well for you xxx

[NsKaz in reply to 7AVA]

Thanks 7Ava xx and you. Take care of yourself and do what feels right - don't pressure yourself, but let me know how it goes if you do xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to NsKaz]

7ava I thoroughly recommend it. Babies are just so lovely and they aren't babies for long... you'll miss out on seeing them if you don't go, and your friends probably need the support- I hear that early motherhood is very lonely. It might not be the same for everyone, but I've always felt better once I've met the baby (and had a cuddle).

[NsKaz]

Thanks Helen - good advice. I feel much better today just for getting out and about in the sunshine. It was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be and I opened up to my friend who was very supportive.

I know there are other options out there for when I'm ready to explore them, but for now, I'm just going to focus on myself and getting ready for the next step in IVF. I'm feeling much more positive and know I can get through this. Thanks for listening and good luck with your journey xx

[Lou9]

As a fellow teacher, I'm with you! It can be hard watching the love and pride parents have for their children and just hoping and wishing to be able to feel that one day. Although I would agree that it is the best job and is a saviour in many ways throughout this horrible journey. I returned to work after my ectopic pregnancy just before we broke up for summer and it was very difficult pretending I'd just been 'unwell'. I too am asked regularly when I will have children and have been advised 'not to wait too long' or 'not to put my career first' 🙄. If only they all knew.

Well done for today, that was a big step. Remember not to put pressure on yourself to meet up with people if it is making you stressed - this process is stressful enough without adding to your upset. Put yourself first, be honest with people about how you are feeling and those who care about you will understand. Take care. Xx

[NsKaz in reply to Lou9]

Hi Lou9, thanks for your message. Ah if only they knew!! So sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you are ok and wish u all the best for the future. Xx enjoy your summer holidays xx take care of yourself too

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to NsKaz]

I just tell them! I find it makes my life easier. I know it's not for everyone, but, for me being open about infertility is definitely a positive thing.

[NsKaz in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

Hi Lizzie, yes I agree, being open about it all has definitely helped me over the last few months. I kept it secret for so long and wish that I hadn't suffered alone.

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to NsKaz]

Obviously not telling your class/parents about an ectopic (same for my miscarriage) but telling colleagues has been helpful for me xx

[Lou9]

Thank you - you too. ❤️

[Leesara]

Sounds like you have had good fellow teacher replies!

Sounds like you have been through a lot and especially with pregnant friends.,, yet I have to admire your positivity and strength x

[NsKaz in reply to Leesara]

Thank you my lovely. Ha yes, seems I'm not the only one!