Hello I'm just having a bit of a vent as bored on tww. Please note that I'm always polite as my infertility is not their issue. The answers in brackets are what I'm thinking but didn't say, apart from last example. I usually just say thanks and change the subject.
1) Just relax and it will happen (I've been ttc for 5 years. Trust me I have a very active love life and seriously can't get more relaxed. Infertility is a medical condition & not a state of mind)
2) Maybe your just too old (I googled and the oldest woman to give birth without any medical help is 49. Women can naturally have children till the menopause)
3) Children are very expensive, just go on nice holidays (Seriously, do I tell you how to spend your money?)
4) Just get a dog (My infertility is not a joke plus my cat won't like that, see photo)
5) Why don't you just adopt? (Because you can't pursue adoption while going through ivf. Plus, we're not at that point and it might not be for us but I'm glad you think it's that easy)
6) Don't you feel guilty have children so old? (I'm going to be working till I'm 67 before I get my pension. I go running 3 times a week. Since when does age define good patenting skills?)
7) Can't you just accept it's not meant to be? (I was brought up with the saying, 'if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all'. Just a simple, 'I'm sorry to hear that will do just fine')
8) Why don't you hang out with pregnant women, that helps. This I had to respond to... honey that's an old wives tale. 'Is it', she told me, 'are you sure'? (Lol)
As I said just a little rant at this funny old world where infertility has a lower importance than toothache. Well, in my office anyway.
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Hampshiregal
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😂😂 I constantly get "I know this will work for you, you'll get your baby, it might just take a few goes, be patient"!!! Oh I'm sorry I just had to water my money tree that I will need for all the IVF and then all the bloody therapy I will need!!
You made me laugh and that's what I needed x Thank you and you lovely ladies who get my sense of humour. My OH said, if you don't like the responses, don't tell anyone about ivf. He says I should tell them I have leporsy instead lol. Xx
Thank you he's so sweet. I complained to my OH that there were too many baby photos on fb and he said it's almost as bad as crazy cat ladies posting their furbabies. I will make this my one and only pic.
Amen for kitties! I have always been known as the crazy cat lady amongst my friends,as have been cat obsessed since the age of 3! It is a title I wear with pride 😁
I recently had a conversation with my Grandad (he's more like a dad to me) who said 'all the advice I would give you is relax and enjoy 'it' while your trying for the baby. The key is to relax' I then replied 'there's not much point saying relax Grandad, you don't actually do 'it' during IVF' 😂 😳
Safe to say it was the most awkward but hilarious conversation I've had but the whole 'relax' comment is one that generally gets on my nerves xx
Urgh... when people say 'as soon as you stop trying and just relax it'll probably happen' 😡 Now I am a pretty patient person but that statement makes my blood boil and makes me want to punch that person in the face!
If it hasn't happened after seven years of both consciously trying and not really trying (i.e.: being pretty laid back about 'trying') and three rounds of IVF I'm not sure 'relaxing' is going to help!
Love your beautiful cat and your post. it's so frustrating when people think ivf is a miracle and you just wave a magic wand , my sil said " I know loads of people that have ivf and it's worked for all them"( great! Yet we are still trying).
I think I got away with suggestions/advice quite lightly.
"My friend was told she'd never have children, that she needed IVF and she got pregnant naturally." I did respond to this one with "That's great for her and can happen for people with unexplained infertility but not all of us are so lucky." I knew this woman wouldn't give up offering 'advice' on her return from maternity leave. She took the hint.
And from my mum "In my magazine there's a lady who had twins/triplets with donor eggs in Cyprus at 50 something." My mum was very understanding during our treatment but I didn't find it very helpful after another BFN (from 3rd and final but 1st round with DE) and deciding to cease treatment. "That's great but I'm not sure I'd want to have a multiple birth at 50 something."
'Are you having nasal ivf...not proper ivf?' When i explained i was taking nasal sprays
'Remember to put your legs up the wall after the procedure'
Back at the start of our little trip down fertility highway I used to be naively excited and giddily optimistic. After several miscarriages and the diagnosis of genetic condition I'm much more guarded who I tell! But even now I don't think people appreciate that it's like playing Russian roulette every attempt, that and the financial, physical and emotional impact it has on me, my relationship and loved ones (and they don't always get it right!).
'Well if it's meant to be it will happen'
'Things happen for a reason'
'IVF that's a sure thing you'll get your baby!'
'Just relax'. 'Just enjoy the trying'
'I've a good feeling this attempt' (Been trying for almost seven years how many times I've heard this I've lost count!)
'Stay positive and try not to overthink it' (Sure I'll try to do that whilst prepping all the IV drugs for the day and drinking the prescribed 2L of water per day!)
Oh god I could go on. Everything the other ladies gave mentioned and with bells on you tend to get pretty thick skinned! I've started to say when I'm not happy with comments now, particularly when I'm stimming (like now!) my tolerance level dips! Then my guilt level increases!!
"You've still got time" is probably the one that irritates me the most. Really? Do I? What about the other parts of my life then? I have given up half a decade of my life trying to achieve this. Tell me, when would you give up trying to achieve something? It's such a cop out comment.
I have had plenty of others too. Not so much about IVF as we have kept that a closely guarded secret but definitely about infertility in general.
The other one that annoys me is "just adopt". Yeah cause that is in no way a challenging process emotionally and financially. What about if I would like to know my child from birth? Oh and don't even get me started on when they say "you miss all the sleepless nights etc". I've not slept properly for 5 years and I should imagine if I went down the adoption route I'd continue not to sleep due to worry about the child who has probably been party to some kind of abuse.
'At least you don't have to inject every day like a diabetic?!?!' MIL- yep I'm feeling really lucky right now!
'You've given me goose bumps. (hug) I'm so happy for you' when telling a work colleague we are starting IVF after having tube removed...great now if only I was happy with myself being in this infertile mess!
'Things happen for a reason. you will get pregnant one day when you're ready and in the future you'll be able to afford to give up work to look after the baby.' erm...1) I'm ready now. 2) I've already started IVF 3) what makes you think I can't afford to give up work 4) what makes you think I want to give up work?
I must have heard all the above over the last 5yrs...however I'd like to add, not so much a phrase, but the look of relief you get from said commenter when you say you'd be interested in adoption...finally a "positive" they can focus on (followed by all the adoption comments)
Oh and a comment from my own mother (who is actually a lovely lovely lady) "well at least you have your career...life's not all about having kids" (I have 5 full brothers and sisters) Er thanks mum...you certainly showed the world! 😂😂😂
Love this post! All the things the ladies have said are pretty much what I've heard too. Why is it so hard to just say 'that must be really tough, I hope it works for you' it's like the infertility/ivf turns people into idiots!
It's not about ivf but only yesterday my mum (talking about my sisters pregnancy for the first time and after I'd been honest about how it's a little difficult for us because we would have been around the same number of weeks had I not had a chemical pregnancy) said 'I'm just glad it's one of you first' meaning not one of my step dads children instead..I mean come on, that's her main concern?! I was baffled and still am to be honest. The things we have to put up with 😩 xx
"Just relax and it will happen" that's the one that gets to me the most for some reason!
"Your still young" (yeah that really helps, doesn't matter if I have to go through years of heartache with failed ivf's because I'm young?!)
What about getting a surrogate? (You ever thought that maybe I want to be pregnant? I want to carry my baby? I want to give birth? they say it like it's such an easy decision)
Well there's always adoption (really? I've never heard of adoption before. Thanks for that)
You had a chemical pregnancy? It's not a really pregnancy anyway though, is it? (This one did make my blood boil and came from my best friend after a few drinks. I calmly replied "it is a real pregnancy and a real loss. It's a very easy miscarriage." What I wanted to say was - Not a real pregnancy? How dare you say that to someone who's had 2 chemicals. Your sitting here with 2 healthy boys. Very easy for you to say it's not real. It's extremely real to all of us who suffer every day fighting the battle of infertility!)
This is so true people say the more stupid things like don't stress it will happen yes I've waited 5 years too how long can you wait I will be going through the menopause!!
Then people say well why didn't you freeze your eggs at 35? Yes that sounds perfect but I wasn't even thinking about kids at this age just enjoying my life.
At least we try and keep our sense of humour or we would just cry.
Ps when is the test date I will keep everything crossed for you xxx
My sister recently got together with a new man, they weren't using precautions & a month later she admitted she'd had to do a test as she was late & they'd been having sex up to 6 times a day... I told her she was completely irresponsible, she got very defensive & said she couldn't understand why I was upset. Err, 4 years of monthly pregnancy tests, 3 failed rounds of IVF, one ectopic pregnancy... of all the people who I thought would understand me... her response "if I am pregnant then you can have the baby!" Seriously?! I gave up talking then & haven't asked her if she's using protection now. People are stupid! Xxx
My personal favourite, on telling a friend that we'd been referred for IVF:
"How exciting!"
Really? You would be excited by the prospect of having drugs injected into you, a surgical operation and then a 2 week wait to see if you are one of the lucky ones who it works for?
Not to mention the devastation of being told by a fertility specialist that your body is unlikely to do what it should do naturally. Or the repeated monthly disappointment that has brought you to this point in the first place.
So, excited? Oh yeah - that's just how I feel, thanks.
Oh yes I particularly can relate to this one...every single person who's known our plight said this when we started ivf! Even with our bfp they can't understand why I am concerned rather than excited at 7wks...I leave the excitement to them!
Oh god so many unhelpful comments! The worst for me is always - "it will happen eventually for you" - you know, it actually might not and if it doesn't, I will be ok (eventually) because if you get nothing else from this fertility journey, you get mental strength and flexibility in bucketloads. Pffft. Know it's supposed to be reassuring but it annoys me so much!
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