Fertility Network UK
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Pondering

Hi guys, so it's been 2 and a half weeks since I had to have my left fallopian tube removed due to an ectopic pregnancy, they didn't know that it had ruptured until they operated as I was in no pain.

My stiches have finally dropped off but I'm devastated by the scars left behind because of what they mean. My OH doesn't understand at all, he had to have his gall bladder removed at the beginning of the year and jokes with me that we have "matching scars" now. I tell him I hate them because of what they represent but he just brushes it off.

I have an appointment next week with a consultant at a fertility clinic as previous to this ectopic pregnancy we had been trying for over 2 and a half years to conceive.

I'm really struggling to want to be intamte with my oh again, I've told him I'm scared incase it happens again to which he replies well if it does it does. Docs also recommend not to try again for a couple of months so that's also on my mind.

I just currently have no drive to be intimate atm and he doesn't understand that, thinking it's something to do with him and it's not, it's just me but he feels like I'm pushing him away but I'm not meaning to.

Just a bit stuck atm.

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Hi Hannahjas,

I'm new to this forum and haven't written anything on a forum before but I felt like I couldn't read and not respond to you! I don't have any words of wisdom unfortunately but hopefully it will help just knowing you are not alone. Apologies in advance for the long reply... bear with me!

I'm so sorry to hear about your ectopic pregnancy 😔. I know how upsetting and scary the whole experience is and how awful the feelings you are left with are - the grief from losing your much wanted pregnancy, having emergency surgery, losing your tube and the physical & emotional healing that follows. So please know that I'm thinking of you.

I am 3 months on from having emergency surgery for a ruptured ectopic and, like you, my husband & I had been ttc for a couple of years and this was our first pregnancy. We were on the waiting list for ICSI when we fell pregnant. In fact, today we attended our first 'top of the list' appointment! Like you, we were advised not to try again naturally for 3 months after the surgery so I know exactly how you feel and it is really frustrating! We were actually told to wait for our treatment rather than try on our own again as we were so close to the top of the list. The only advice I can give is when I think back to how I was a couple of months ago, I now know I actually wasn't ready to try again - physically or emotionally. Try to use the time to build your strength up and to allow yourself to work through your feelings. I actually find that hard to type as I know how annoyed I felt when my family said that to me, but now I know they were right and I'm glad I listened.

I completely understand what you mean about the intimacy with your OH. You have both been through such a scary and upsetting time and you are still so early in your recovery. It sounds like your OH is maybe using humour to try and deal with things - sounds familiar! Have you spoken really honestly with him about how you feel? What I remember really vividly from the days and weeks after my surgery was that my husband was just so relieved that I was ok and he admitted that was all he cared about at that point - he was worried about telling me that as he knew how devastated I was about the pregnancy. Maybe your OH is having similar feelings? Ultimately though, although your OH has gone through the experience with you, it was your body that lost the pregnancy and had the surgery so you should take the lead and take the time you need to recover in whichever way you need.

I know what you mean about your scars too. After my surgery I weirdly didn't want them to fade, it almost felt like the memory of my pregnancy was fading too. Now I am going through a phase of hating looking at them in the mirror and feeling like it's a constant reminder of what could have been! But... your experience is personal & unique to you, as are your feelings and there is no right or wrong way to feel.

Anyway, if there is anything I can do to help or if you have any questions please get in touch.

Look after yourself and take all the time you need - rest, talk, cry, eat, sleep, repeat - you get the idea! And remember, you are not alone. ❤️

Lou9 xx

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Hello,

Im sorry to hear whats happened, this exact situation happened to me i had my right tube removed in 2012 and mine had also ruptured.

Honestly don't be to sad and dont beat yourself up to much about it i know its difficult and hard but you couldn't have done anything to prevent it :( With the scars they fade and you cant even see mine any more :) but then i had to have another op on the other side so i now have new fresh looking scars on the left side!!

Try and rest and dont be so harsh on yourself! try and sit down with your partner and just explain to him how you feel, again thats sometimes harder than it sounds because they dont see it from your point of view me and my partner usually end up in a bit of an argument with these chats just because its hard for both sides.

Good luck with recovery xx

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Hi Hannahjas. So sorry to hear what you have had to go through, and the sad loss of a very early little one. I suppose your OH was trying to cheer you up with the matching scar thing, but I look at it as a mark of life, and you will have so much to tell a child in the future. They're right about waiting for a couple of months, as you have had surgery, and you need time to heal. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you, and I hope you are being looked after well. Diane

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