Hubby and I are getting there..and considering other options

Hey everyone, it's been 7 weeks since our 4th ivf cycle ended in a chemical pregnancy and we've took some time out..had some fun, done nice things together, quality time etc and just generally been ourselves the 'rollercoaster' that is fertility treatment. We have give one another space to get our individual heads together and made a pact not to talk about it too much, we figured it has taken over enough of our lives and minds and we just needed some normality.

This weekend though we have started to broach what we might do next, I've been so confused since our last cycle because I'm not sure if I can put us through it all again but while there is the tiniest shred of hope (we've previously had good quality blastocysts etc) it's hard to make a final decision. We can only afford to do one more cycle but can't help thinking what a waste of (much needed!) money it would be if it fails again. I'm being realistic and can't help wondering what would be the point, we've already tried pretty much everything (an endometriosis treatment, endometrial scratch, embryo glue etc) can we really expect the outcome to be different a 5th time?? I feel sure that my endometriosis is preventing an embryo implanting or being able to develop when it does implant but, short of having more surgery (which I'd rather not) or lots of other tests/treatment, I don't think we can expect a different outcome.

We have started discussing adoption and while we haven't made a final decision, we both feel it could be the thing for us and have agreed to do some research. I didn't think my hubby would feel this way because I used to work in child protection so he frequently heard about the negative side my job. There was also a lot of positive stories though..

There have been so many tears, and we're still grieving and devastated that ivf hasn't been the answer for us. But in time you do get stronger and start feeling able to look forward and tentatively make your next steps. We don't know of course if we would definitely be accepted for adoption but starting to make a plan feels positive right now.

I hope you're all ok and if anyone is having a bad day, please know they won't all be like that.

Lots of love to all you amazing warriors, if anyone has any advice on adoption, or is considering the same route, please get in touch! 😘 xx

26 Replies

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  • Aww glad you have taken that much needed time out to enjoy yourselves and feel normal again, whatever normal maybe.

    I think it's great your looking at adoption, we where looking into this and still may do in the future. I sent for loads of information packs from different agencies and local authorities etc, also a lot hold information evenings etc that you can go to and talk to professionals and other parents who have adopted.

    Wishing you well whatever you decide to do xx

  • Thanks so much button, yes I'm not really sure what normal is anymore but it's certainly been nice to not be waiting, wondering, stressing etc for a little while!

    Thanks for the advice, I think we'll definitely do those things that you did and take it from there. Hope you're feeling well xx

  • Aww sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking. As you know we re currently going through the adoption process at the moment we are working through our home study assessment with our social worker. I only had 1 round of icsi so some people might say we didn't try hard enough to havr our own but with donor eggs being our only option it didn't feel right for us. Adoption seems a more hopeful route you know that you will probably get a child at the end of it and the waiting seems more bearable. You can also go down the route of foster to adopt where u will get a baby that is placed with you with hope of adoption. We re not doing that as I couldn't cope with handing them back. Let me know how you get on but for us so far it's only been a positive experience xx

  • Yes we definitely have katya, we still have more to do, and lots more talking too but our gut feeling is positive about adoption.

    Glad things are going well for you guys, I don't think you didn't try hard enough and anyone that would say that has clearly never been through fertility treatment! It's so personal and you just know what's right for you. Thanks for your support, I will update as we go along xx

  • You're right it is very personal. For some having a biological child is all they want but adoption feels right for us. Yea def keep us posted. In England the process seems much quicker than in scotland. You may have to wait 6 months between ivf and applying. We didn't luckily but I know others who have x

  • As time (& treatments) have gone on, I've slowly come to realise that I just want us to be a family, and the pregnancy/biological side of things has become less important. I never thought I'd feel that way but you have to be open minded and let your thoughts develop as you go along.

    I think it's definitely 6 months here but we don't mind that, we're already almost 2 months since our last cycle ended and its such a huge thing, a little waiting isn't a problem!

    How's your home study going so far, what has it entailed till this point? Xx

  • Hi it seems to be going well but we ve only had 2 meetings so far. We ve had to book medicals, fill in disclose forms, provide all addresses since birth and write our life stories. For next time we ve to do our support network. Think they do a session on finances and a home Check . The order of it all is totally different in England xx

  • Hi Georgina78, sorry to know IVF wasn't successful. Only the ones who are going through similar experiences can understand you and feel you.

    it's great you are opting for adoption. My husband and I considered it but we gave up. We are too old to follow up with all the process. We will go for surrogacy instead.

    Wish you good luck and I hope you will meet your child soon :)

    Blessings x

  • Thank you Lilly, sorry to hear adoption wasn't something you could pursue but I really hope surrogacy is successful for you xx

  • Hi Georgina, you've had such a tough time of it and I'm so glad you've been able to take a bit of time to reflect on it all. I can't comment on what you should do next, but I can tell you about a good friend of mine who went through 10 years of hell trying IVF and failing due to her endometriosis. It was really really tough. She and her husband who is Chinese, decided to pursue adoption. This week she just posted on FB a picture of the twin baby girls they adopted from China 10 years ago, then and now. They are such a happy family and have a wonderful life with their two girls. It wasn't how they originally planned their family to be but it is wonderful and joyous nonetheless. If you do decide to go down that route there will be happiness ahead I am sure. Best of luck and take care xx

  • Thanks so much Hun, it's so nice to hear a lovely, positive story about it. It's early days but we're feeling fairly positive about this route. I hope your pregnancy is going ok? Xx

  • I actually know 4 families who have adopted in addition to them and they've all got very happy lives! Pregnancy going ok - I am now at the beached whale stage and we are expecting to be induced a week today. Nervous about the health complications our little one will face but very excited about finally meeting her, it hardly seems real xx

  • Aw that's lovely, thank you. I wish I knew someone who had adopted!

    Glad it's going well, it seems to have gone so fast! Although I haven't been on here consistently of course. Totally understandable that you're nervous but I really hope she will be ok, there will be challenges but I'm sure you will face them with courage & so much love. All the very best for the future with your little girl xx

  • Hey Georgina, lovely to hear from you. Wish you all the very best with whatever you guys decide, your inner strength has and will indoors many others on here. I wish you nothing but pure blessings, you guys have been through a massive storm yet your desire and strength has come through.

    Keep in touch and as always we'll be here to support you and continue this journey with you guys

  • Thanks so much sanj, that's really lovely of you. I will keep everyone posted and I hope your wife's pregnancy continues to go well x

  • It's such a difficult decision to make especially as the medical profession can't give reasons for failed treatment. I thought what's the point of trying again after 3 rounds of ICSI. We'd spent so much and got nothing except huge amounts of heartache. Even with DE no BFP or frosties.

    I hope that the adoption route works out for you & hubby.

  • It's so hard isn't it pm, there is always that thought that the next cycle could be 'the one' but I'm just not sure I have it in me again, the emotional side more than the physical..and we have to be realistic, if it hasn't worked 4 times is it likely to a 5th πŸ˜’

    Thank you for your support and I hope you're ok as time goes on xx

  • Sorry for your situation.

    But in the same time I`m glad about your rest after last attempt.

    Sometimes even healthy women have problems with their embryos.

    You can still try egg donation, 3 parents IVF, surrogacy.

    Or even try again. There some clinics, where you can use unlimited ivf attempts or get refund for it.

    P.S.: I`m on side of your husband. It could be devastating (adoption) in case of negative response.

    P.P.S.: in 99% of cases anyone would like to choose a child, but not to get a vacant one.

  • Thank you for your reply Alice but I don't understand what you mean by your last comment, a 'vacant one'??

    There is also, as far as I'm aware at this point, no need for us to use donor eggs because my eggs are not the issue. Surrogacy could be an option but as it would be much more expensive than just straightforward ivf, it isn't one for us unfortunately.

    My hubby is now positive about adoption so I think you misunderstood that comment, he had more reservations initially but has since changed his mind.

    You seem to be very passionate about carrying on ivf but that isn't for everyone, 4 cycles is very gruelling and there is only so much we can all take x

  • Misunderstood, sorry, my bad.

    But this argument: "We have started discussing adoption and while we haven't made a final decision..."

    "I didn't think my hubby would feel this way". was strength enough for it.

    In case of adoption I think that parents literally fights for "best" (most popular) children, so there are only "vacant one`s" for the most cases (easiest way to adopt).

    About "very passionate about carrying on ivf".

    Yes, I agree with that statement. I also agree that if you "in need of something" you should fight for it.

    But when I saw this: "I'm not sure if I can put us through it all again but while there is the tiniest shred of hope" I thought that you still have power and hope to continue. At least to try, as I wrote "You can", but not "You must".

    So if adoption is your only way - try to choose between Eastern Europe countries. It should be relatively fast and easy for you, in comparison to US and UK.

  • Adoption is much faster in the UK now esp in England I know of people who complete and have a baby within 9 months. I believe children are much better being adopted within their own country. There are many children who are adopted who go on to lead healthy and fulfilling lives some can have needs as can birth children.

  • You sound like an amazing warrior Georgina I'm sure you don't feel that way yourself but I think it's takes so much courage and strength in a relationship to go through with ivf and the problem is knowing when to stop and I think this is the answer a lot of us are searching for and when do we accept to stop treatment and explore other options. I so wish I could answer for you and tell you the right path to follow I really do. I'm glad to hear you've take some time out for yourselves and I'm sure it's still pretty tough to deal with everything that has happened so far.

    Just want to wish you all the very best I'm sure there will be lots of advise and support every step of the way if adoption is an option for you both xxx

  • Aw thanks so much nmill, I certainly don't feel that way but people are always telling me how strong I am and I am proud of how far we've come and that it has made us stronger. That's hasn't been without a LOT of tears and bloomin awful days but us ladies are the strongest I reckon!

    Knowing when to stop is so hard, I think it would be even harder if we had more money to keep going, but sometimes that decision is made for you and maybe that's not always a bad thing, I don't know 😏

    Thank you for your wishes, hope you're ok too xx

  • Good for you taking time out for some fun...this process sure is anything but. Funny you mention adoption as we spoke about it only yesterday. I had been dead against it as I work in this field too and just didn't want to do it although totally supportive of others looking to do this I just didn't feel it was for me. However like you we cant afford emotionally or financially to keep going thru this and failing and while I am optimistic about our 3rd cycle I am also realistic given my age and Amh. I thought yesterday at least with adoption if you get through all the panels you are guaranteed a baby unlike numerous ivf attempts..oh I don't know really only first time we spoke about it but definitely worth considering. A plan always helps. Take care xxx

  • Thanks for your reply vic, I really hope your 3rd cycle works but I think it's positive to be considering other options just in case. I hoped we wouldn't have to be where we are and certainly before we started ivf we didn't think we would be but as we know this is a process with absolutely no guarantees so you have to be flexible and let your feelings develop as things go on.

    I think all you can do is keep talking and keep an open mind, we're just going to do more research, we ordered some recommended books last night and we're going to do a few DIY jobs around the house (so we feel better about it!) then look into the first steps. It's scary and unknown but so is ivf!

    If ivf was cheaper and guaranteed to work eventually we would probably keep going but it's just so hard and we unfortunately just don't have the resources to keep doing it.

    Loads of luck with your 3rd cycle Hun, hopefully it'll result in your happy ending πŸ™πŸ» xx

  • I'm definite that adoption is on the cards for us if a final attempt at icsi with pgd doesn't work (and it probably won't). I've always been certain, hubbie less so but is coming around to it now he realises it might be the only way to have a family. For me, it's about being a family, not about having a baby. Scary, but as someone who adopted said to me, "you know you're making a difference". Let's hope it works out for all of us!

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