Taking a break

[ICSIBaby86]

I've had some lovely messages off fellow TTC ladies over the last two days so rather than reply to them all I thought I'd write a new post to say thank you, it really does mean a lot. I tested again this morning at 12p5dt and as I expected another negative result... if I'm honest I've been in pieces.

I just want this pain and sadness to go away. I had only just managed to pick myself up after the last failure. How I can keep on going through this I have no idea. I constantly feel crushed and seeing my OH so upset it's just unbearable.

We have one more frostie waiting but I know it sounds terrible I have no faith. It's our 4bb and after the last two top quality blasts failed I can't see how the next one will be a success ?! I know that sounds awful and I should be grateful we have it but I feel like there's something wrong with me. Why won't my body just accept the pregnancy. My lining was perfect this time, i was relaxed everything went well. I feel so angry with myself right now. I feel like I've let me and my partner down. 😞

Congratulations to all those that had their BFPS ' I truly am so happy for you, if anyone deserves it it's the ladies in this community. Going to take a break for awhile and I wish you all the best 😘❤️

[Tw1986]

Aw I'm so sorry Hun big hugs to you and your OH ❤️❤️ xxx

[Tugsgirl]

I understand. Of course you are the only one who can decide not to continue on this journey.. my bfp was a 4ab, not quite as good quality as my first embryo, but it's the one that stuck around, at least for a little while... Good luck with whatever you decide xx

[Fredaflintstone]

So sorry to hear. I know at least some of pain you are going through. It's such a tough journey. People have got pregnant with embryos that weren't considered strong enough to freeze and yours was so don't give us hope. I know it's difficult to have any hope right but even a week on from our bfn I'm beginning to see a little glimmer out of the corner of my eye if I put my Rosie specs on. But so give yourself a rest. You didn't do anything wrong and mustn't be angry at yourself. You are hurting enough without piling the blame on yourself too. I know it's what happens because I did the same. Hopefully in a little while you'll begin to feel differently. Ask your OH for lots of hugs - though the temptation is to push everyone away. Look after yourself and each other. I wish I could give you a big hug. I'm going to see the clinics counsellor on Weds. I'm not sure it'll help but I figured it can't do any harm. Is that something you might also find helpful? I'll let you know how it goes. Going through this process is like mourning someone passing away. You will feel anger, blame, grief and then you'll come to acceptance. Not necessarily in that order. It's a huge thing to go through. Am here if you want to talk Hun xxx

[ICSIBaby86 in reply to Fredaflintstone]

Thank you so much... I just can't see through the pain at the minute... 2 weeks ago me and my partner went away for the night just after transfer full of hope, wonder and happiness. Now again we feel crushed back at square one. I feel so guilty because it's my body that's letting us down. He's got no children of his own and I can see how upset he is. Everyone seems to be having babies around me I can't escape it, my sister and my colleague in work. I'm suffocated. I've got my nephews first birthday party Sunday and I can't face sitting around all the babies but I know my sister in law will be really hurt if I don't go. I really do think il visit the clinic counsellor. I think maybe I feel different about our last embie in a few weeks time. I would almost feel better if things had gone wrong I'd have some answers then ! But when everything was so perfect I can't understand it! We have MFI but I'm starting to worry there's something wrong with me to, I just want Af to start now to get it all over with xxxx

[Fredaflintstone in reply to ICSIBaby86]

I had the same thing - it was apparently a perfect blastocyst and my lining was perfect too. We felt so optimistic after transfer and then I was getting what i thought were the right symptoms but it didn't work and I don't know why. Usually it's because of the embryo I think and not you and the grade isn't necessarily relevant. You will get there. The weekend is going to be tough on you. Can you talk to your sister in law and say that you are just not up to it at the moment? Does she know about the IVF? I'm sure she would understand. You have to look after your own needs first instead of putting other people first all the time. Perhaps you could arrange to do something just the two of you and your nephew when you're ready instead? I couldn't have gone through that so soon.

It will all be feeling very raw now but it will get easier. And then you can try again with your little Frostie who is already proving to be a fighter!

Look after yourself - do something nice for yourself if you can. I made OH but me a new top - I'm always buying him things. Sending you some virtual flowers and more hugs xxxxx

[ICSIBaby86 in reply to Fredaflintstone]

She does know about the IVF but I don't think they quite understand the emotional toll it's taking on me, i think they'll think I'm being petty if I don't turn up for the party, I'm going to see how I am over the weekend I might fake a stomach bug ... I just feel so frightened at the minute ' that il never be able to give my partner a baby, perhaps he'l want to leave me ( which I know is irrational because he does love me ) but I just have so much fear for the future... my son is nealry 8 and on numerous occasions has asked me why can't he have a baby brother or sister... especially as my sister is having a baby and her son is 9... my little boy got so upset and said

" Mammy your older than aunty so why is she having another baby and you're not?" That broke my heart ! Sometimes I dont know whether I'm better off explaining to him that we are trying and we have to go down a special route to have a baby... or will I be adding un-necessary stress on him at the age of 8 !? It's so difficult isn't it trying to do the right thing. We've booked a family holiday for July so I'm focusing on enjoying our time away. I'm going to see a counsellor to talk about all my worries. Thank you so much for your time ! The ladies on here really have helped through a difficult time... my friends and family don't seem to understand the pain and almost brush it off. But I know the comments and advice on here are sincere and people care because they understand, I'm going to have a shower now , drag myself off the settee of self pity and take my dog for a walk :). Step by step il feel better ' I did it last time and il do it again ❤️

[Fredaflintstone in reply to ICSIBaby86]

Don't worry - children nag their parents for a brother or sister all the time and many don't get one because the parents simply don't want another and the children cope. Prob best to say nothing and just let him know when you have the news he would like hear?

Your OH loves you and is there for you. Please don't think otherwise or worry about things that aren't going to happen like that. The things we worry about mostly don't come true and so we torture ourselves for no reason. I know it's easier said than done.

Focus on your holiday and on having some fun together. Well done for getting off the sofa - that's a major step forward already xxxx

[Hidden in reply to ICSIBaby86]

its always the way isn't it when you have lost out on something you feel its all around you and in your face all the time. I felt that buggies and pregnant women popped up out of cracks in the pavement to deliberately upset me which is irrational but I was hypersensitive about it after I had sadly lost out.

[E_05]

So sorry to you and your OH but please don't in any way blame yourself, you definitely haven't let anyone down.

I totally understand how your feeling though, after my last cycle was unsuccessful, I like you wasn't sure how I'd put myself through another cycle however I spoke to the clinic counsellor for the first time which really helped. Don't know if you've already done that or are open to but maybe it will help you to. Take the time you need to, you both need to process this awful loss xx

[Hidden]

So sorry that your treatment hasn't worked. I had 4 rounds of clomid fail - I can't imagine how much harder IVF would be. I have endometriosis which was undiagnosed for nearly 6 years ( but has been treated now). you don't have to make any hard or fast decisions. I agree time out can be really beneficial-do nice things for yourselves you deserve it. As for the babies party-ser how you feel-if you really can't face it can't you fake a tummy bug? Right now put you first. Good luck in the future with whatever you may decide to do next-door hope it brings you happiness.xoxo p.s you haven't let anyone else down- infertility is a complex medical condition and it is no one's fault when it isn't successful. xoxo

[Hope_4_2017x]

So sorry to hear this, sending love xx

[Hidden]

Sending big hugs at this difficult time xxx

[Sprinkles86]

It's so raw for you right now, I think you're doing the right thing by taking some time away. Allow yourself to feel all those crappy things and process them.

I know it won't help much but just know that you have done nothing wrong. You did everything right.

Our last frostie is also a 4bb so I'm not exactly confident it will work but if it was strong enough to freeze..... fingers crossed for both of us when we are ready.

If I were you I would definitely give the kids party a miss... but be honest about why you're not there. If they have a problem with it or can't understand how you are feeling then it's their problem and not yours. Sounds harsh I know but you have really been through a lot and need to put yourself first. Take yourself off for a spa day - I did that after the last mc and it was bliss xxxx

[Kattalex1]

Take a break but please don't give up... am not! No way... no how... 😉

[kelsbels88]

Oh Hun I'm so sorry 😢

It must be so hard. I can't begin to imagine how your feeling. You need to do what's best for you and take all the time you need.

The weekend will be difficult. I'd like to think they would be happy you turned up, even if you don't stay too long the fact that you're there and made an effort should hopefully be something. It may not be good for you to put yourself in a situation where you end up more upset than you need to be.

Thinking of you

Take care of you xx