A self-pity post!

[London7]

Forewarned is forearmed and all that. I'm just feeling sorry for myself and need to vent. We are doing IVF because of MF and so every time I vent to my husband he feels so guilty.

Before this process I was someone whose favourite things in life were nice meals out with my husband, spending time with friends, drinking wine, running and lifting weights at the gym, doing well at work, holidays. I feel like all those things have been taken away now. I could cope with the down regs (although horribly moody) and the stimms (although uncomfortable) knowing they were short-lived. But then as some of you may have see in an earlier post, since 5 days post ET I've been at best uncomfortable and at worst in pain, getting intermittent cramps that are worse when I move, eat, laugh etc. A scan showed fluid-filled very large swollen ovaries but my blood work was fine. I can't go into work and am trying to work from home which is sub-optimal. The gym is most definitely out (also told I'm at risk of ovarian torsion still) and generally leaving the house is just too hard. Eating often makes the cramps much worse so is best done at home anyway. The Dr said that if I'm pregnant this could last for the first 12 weeks and if I'm not pregnant it may still be "weeks" before it goes away. She gave me a "well, what do you expect - this is IVF, this can happen" lecture. Well, I didn't expect it. Perhaps I was naive. I thought after EC that the worst of it physically was over. And 2 days after EC I was fine. I knew about OHSS but also that that only happened to 1-2% of patients.

My OTD is 14dp5dt (originally told 11dp5dt but then the doctor told me that the nurse who told me that was wrong). I have no desire to even test early. If I'm pregnant all this will be worth it. But if it turns out all I'm not, and this is for nothing and if I still have to take the drugs to the bitter end I think I will be even more broken than I am. All the things that I love in life that I cheered myself thinking I could return to if this doesn't work will still be off bounds for "weeks". I will remain trapped at home feeling miserable. It is just all so unfair.

[7AVA]

I'm so sorry you're going through this xxx

[London7 in reply to 7AVA]

Thanks x

[Gueritarubia]

Sorry to hear you're feeling crap. I had the same. In my case, the OHSS came on because I was pregnant, so hopefully yours is for a good cause too!

I'd been advised to drink loads of water (3l per day), eat plenty of protein (incl that of dairy, check the labels of Greek yoghurt/cottage cheese/fit total as some are high!) and salt (crisps allowed!). And gentle frequent walks and plenty of rest. That all together helped relief it within a couple of weeks or so (up to the point where it could barely be called discomfort). Hope you feel better soon!

[London7 in reply to Gueritarubia]

Thank you! So glad to hear yours cleared up in two weeks - the way the doctor was talking it felt like there was no hope of any end in sight. X

[Gueritarubia in reply to London7]

Another thought: have you tried the Headspace app? Kept me sane throughout treatment! All the best

[_MrsC]

Oh Sweetie. How utterly miserable for you. No wonder you're feeling sorry for yourself. Who wouldn't? My life before ttc was similar and I wish I had that back but likewise know that making that choice means shutting the door on having children of our own. It's such a difficult dilemma because how long do you wait for?

I think your dr was somewhat insensitive and inaccurate. I knew about ohss but more so from my own research rather than information provided so in I was in your shoes, I'd feel exactly the same. Shocked and unsure. I think I would ask her if patients going through chemo get frustrated with the side effects and whether her response would be the same. I doubt it despite most of the population knowing that it can have awful side effects. Unfortunately knowing about something and experiencing it are two entirely different things. I think she needs to be more empathetic.

It is absolutely unfair. Shout it out loud on here. None of us will disagree. It is so unfair and I'm so sorry you are going through it.

When I am at my lowest, a little trick I use is to stop at moments during the day and find something to be glad about. Even the smallest thing. My first one this morning was that when I went downstairs, I realised my DH had done all of the washing up last night and EVEN wiped the sides down. I know it sounds trivial but that has made my life a little bit better today. I hope there are small things going on for you that are just making it a little more bearable.

Sending you the biggest hug.

Vic xxx

[London7 in reply to _MrsC]

Thank you! Your post has cheered me up. I'm so glad I found this forum. The Doctor was really awful - absolutely no bedside manner. All the other doctors at my clinic have been lovely by this one (who, by the way, is the same doctor who misdiagnosed me as having a polyp and wrongly told me I had to cancel the treatment at one point!).

I am going to try and find some things to be glad about. My DH did bring me a weak cup of tea in bed this morning (oh how I miss a big cup of strong coffee!) which I was very glad about.

I hope you are doing okay.

A x

[_MrsC in reply to London7]

Oh bless you. Yes it sounds as though the Dr needs to do some reflecting. That's good of your DH. Bless them. They do try.

I'm ok thanks. On the train to go for embryo transfer. Hoping at least one of our triplets has made it to today. Will let you know later. xxx

[Fredaflintstone]

Sorry to hear you are feeling rubbish. Try not to get too worked up and to relax as much as possible. Are you able to safely take something for the pain? I know what you mean though - my everything is on hold too - career, holidays, normal socialising etc but hopefully it will all be worth it In the end at which point we'll have no social life because we'll have a little one! Try to get out for little walks if you can to keep the blood flowing nicely and perhaps buy yourself a big bunch of lovely flowers (since we can't have many other types of treat). Fingers crossed for you and sending you a big hug xxx

[London7 in reply to Fredaflintstone]

Thank you. I've been regularly taking paracetamol but that is it. Flowers is a great idea. I hope you are doing okay. I know you have had a really rough few days so hope you are also looking after yourself. A x

[Fredaflintstone in reply to London7]

Perhaps you could also make a voodoo doll in the shape of your doctor and stick pins in it to help you feel better? She sounds a bit lacking in bedside manner and empathy! Hope you feel better soon Hun. I'm ok back at work and arranged follow up and to see the counsellor and started acupuncture. Trying to look forward but still a bit fragile. Can you get some magazines too and enjoy the relaxation - and put on a crappy film - I watched an Audrey Hepburn one in my tww - just easy going stuff to take your mind off things. Don't use a hot water bottle though, they say (difficult that we have to avoid the things we usually do when in pain). Hugs to you Xxxx

[London7 in reply to Fredaflintstone]

Hah, the first line made me laugh! Great ideas, all of them!

Not surprised you are feeling fragile - sending you lots of hugs xx

[Fredaflintstone in reply to London7]

Thank you xxx

[Oakey80]

This sounds horrendous. Its bad enough surviving the 2ww emotionally but to deal with the physical crapness must be sending you mad.

I'm also doing ivf due to MF so I know what you mean about the oh guilt. I'm 6dp5dt at the moment and instead of love and hugs from my oh last night I got stropping and door slamming as he simply can't cope with the thought of another bfn (our last one failed in March)...he's a bit of a man child anyway so more often than not I'm the emotional support for both of us in our relationship 😩.

I get what you mean about life being on hold. For me, not just during treatment but the bits in between too as I have to watch my weight constantly. It took me a year of strict calorie counting and exercise just to lose 2 stone to start treatment so all joy (I. E. wine/chocolate) was out of my life then lol!

I'm currently sitting at my desk starting to feel af cramps which is exactly when it happened last time. I simply don't know how I'm going to get through the next 24hrs...and if it is another bfn how my oh is going to survive bless him.

I feel for ya x❤x

[London7 in reply to Oakey80]

Thanks.

I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling my life is on hold. It is just so unfair that no matter the cause it's us women who have to go through IVF. Although it does mean I forget the emotional toll it also takes on the men. Still, what you need now is hugs not door slamming!

2 stone is an amazing achievement and something to be proud of!

I admit to having obsessively googled symptoms (not good, I know) but have seen lots of women report strong AF cramps (I've had them too) and gone into BFP. So don't get down yet. Good luck coping with the horror of the 2WW. You'll get through it, we both will, even if just a minute at a time ... x

[Oakey80 in reply to London7]

Gosh my emotions are all over the place. Your lovely response nearly made me cry and my desk haha!

I've actually been pretty good with Google as I've realised it hasn't got the answers to this. It literally is just a waiting game! I'll admit I've been on it a couple of times but mainly checking stuff like what stage my embies should be at now and the very occasional bfp symptoms diaries.

With my weight the sad thing is I've put most of it back on. That's what 2 rounds of treatment in 3mths does to a girl! If this fails I'm definitely getting back on track to lose it again. But that itself is hard and a constant reminder that your life is different now.

I've given up with my oh for now. He slept in the spare room last night and I thought good! I'm hot at night anyway and I need to protect my embies and my stress levels. I'll sort him out after the result. To be fair to him he has a major family stress going on at the mo. Like a really really bad one so I can't expect too much from him.

I don't know about you but if I were honest I'd say it's timeslike this I do feel a bit of resentment that he's the reason we're following this path. I know it's not him personally though so I manage to bite my tongue!

When's your otd? Mines Monday but that would be 16 days post ovulation in th normal world. I'm testing sat as Google has told me that's fine lol! xxx

[London7 in reply to Oakey80]

No - Google definitely doesn't have the answers. I need to stop looking at it but I'm hopeless. I feel so out of control at the moment I think part of my Google obsession is I think maybe if I have more information I will have more control? But I know it doesn't work that way! As you say, it is a waiting game.

2 rounds in 3 months? You are made of really tough stuff to do that! That's amazing. And if you have lost the weight once you can do it again. I think it is amazing to have done that.

Sorry to hear about the OH. Sounds like he is going through a lot but you do need to look after yourself and put yourself first right now. And yes - I have felt of resentment! I know it isn't his fault. When we first found out it was MF and needed IVF that is when the resentment was the worst - I had spent about 2.5 years watching what I ate, limiting drinking etc and yet blaming myself every month when AF came along. He wouldn't make any changes at all during that period (despite me asking him to) and yet it turned out that he was the one who really should have done! I was really angry about that for a while.

OTD is a HPT on Sunday when I will be 14dp5dt! I think I will do a FR test Friday or Saturday which should be accurate and will give me some time to process if it is negative. But I'm sort of dreading the test in case it is negative...

Xx

[Oakey80 in reply to London7]

Ooh good luck with that! I know what you mean...we get the rough end of the deal. In my case it's MF but he didn't change a thing except take a couple of supplements and he was overweight too. I had to struggle to lose weight and struggle through treatment and be the main wage earner whilst looking after the house, with a moody ar*e husband dragging his heels behind me lol! We're made of strong stuff us girlie's! 👊

[Hidden]

I'm at at earlier stage but feeling exactly the same as you about my life and the affect of IVF and honestly am thinking about walking away from it and accepting the consequences of that! I'm so pissed off today and I'm sick of this process being such a feature day to day it's sucking the life out of me as a person!

[London7 in reply to Hidden]

Before seeing this I just responded to your other post. I'm not surprised you feel fed up with it all, especially after being told you have to stick with the DR for even longer. I found all the waiting around at the start and being totally out of control really hard. People warned me it would be hard but I never realised how hard. And I feel guilty taking time off work or even complaining because this is something I've done voluntarily ... it's rough and I wish I had some great words of wisdom for being a bit further down the line in the process than you. But I don't. The only thing I would say is you have suffered a disappointment being told to continue with the DR so make sure any decision you do make is not one made in the heat of that disappointment. Good luck xx

[Hidden in reply to London7]

Good advice thanks I'm just struggling to find the motivation to do this process full stop x

[Cinderella5]

Sorry to hear that you're having a crap time! It is hard when you feel like you've had to give up all the good things in life and things still dont go your way and there's no knowing when normality will return! Its not nice having zero control over your own life, I completely understand but perhaps a gentle walk in the fresh air might do you some good if you're normally quite active! Just wanted to send you a big hug!xx

[lejones93]

I know exactly what you mean. I'm in a similar situation. I hate having to go through this but feel ungrateful for moaning about it xx

[Loopielu]

Just sending a hug. This made me feel less guilty about all the things that have pissed me off during this journey (gym, wine, work). It's so hard to adapt your life to a new 'normal' and my DH just carried on his lifestyle as though nothing was changed which didn't help me much. Sadly, our cycle failed so I am now left feeling fluffy at best, with all my lovely gym strength and muscle gone and nothing to show for it... hard not to have a pity party about it all and then as others have said, you feel guilty for doing so. Everything crossed you get a positive result and it will all have been worth it! xx

[Tugsgirl]

I hear you! I hope you feel better soon xx