Just wanted to vent as i am going through a crappy time at the minute and i know many of you will know how it feels.
After trying for 7 years we are now at the beginning of the journey with our Group Session due in July. Aside from this i am getting married in October!
Whilst this is helping me take my mind of baby things it has also proven rather stressful. My closest friend who was meant to be MOH has now shown herself in a totally different light.
She is pregnant with her first child, which has been a battle for me itself. i have tried to be really upbeat around her accepting her endless baby photos, collages of scans, etc. When i mentioned anything wedding related she just wasn't bothered.
On my last visit to her after weeks of getting her to try the bridesmaid dress on, she said it was hard being pregnant i just wouldn't understand. That really was a kick in the stomach as she is one of the few people who knew about my struggles and this route. I didn't rise to this but it really upset me.
This morning after getting nothing back from her i said to her she didn;t have to be a bridesmaid if she didn't want to. i had previously asked her 3 times. She replied saying she wasn't up to it and didn;t want to come to the wedding as she didn't feel right for it. It has really been a rollercoaster.
It saddens me how someone can be so selfish, quite happy to let you know of all the good things happening for them but not want to be part of anyone's else happiness.
It's sad as well as i do feel quite alone in this ivf journey.
has anyone had any similar experiences from non supportive friends or family? x
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lauren3189
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Sorry to hear your having a crappy time, I've been ttc for a long too, and my sister fell pregnant with her 2nd during my wedding plan she was still my maid of honour just had to have a change of dress lol,
Sounds like your friend is very selfish specially knowing your journey, say my sister didn't know back then of my struggle I've only just confided in 4 people now,
Sounds like your better off without her in your life,
Good luck with your wedding plans the table plan drove me insane lol,
Hi there, unless people have been through the same it seems many find it difficult to empathise. I ended up falling out with my best friend a short time after our wedding. She cried off on my hen saying her 13 year old was sick when I know her mum would have babysat. She did a reading for us at the wedding but otherwise she didn't seem to want to be involved. I didn't have adult bridesmaids only nieces and nephews and god children including her son, being a bit older and to avoid awkwardness because she and one of my other friends weren't getting on. She's meant to be my bf but wouldn't help me when i asked her to gather people for photos etc. Then she started to let me down a lot after the wedding at short notice. I think she was upset maybe that I got married. I don't know. I used to do a lot for her and I felt quite used.
It's been a while since I decided to let the friendship go and whilst I do feel sad about it sometimes, it's made space for other friendships which are more two way and supportive. Sometimes friendships come to an end and it's painful but good comes out of it in the end. I know others who've experienced similar from their friends so it seems quite common. It's like getting married becomes a new start.
What a huge let down for you! Unfortunately it sounds like you're better off choosing someone else..
People, even friends and family, can be so insensitive at times. On taking me to the clinic during my fresh round last September my bff told me if she were me she wouldn't be able to go through with ivf. Thinking she meant she'd be too afraid I asked her why not? She replied that in her opinion she'd accept that it just wasn't meant to be. How the hell are you supposed to take that? And this coming from someone who literally picked a day to try, did the deed once and conceived that time! Easy for you to say I thought! Ok she's supportive now but I still think about what she said in the back of my mind.
I recently got engaged and two of my so called close friends didn't congratulate me. After all I've been through the last couple of years. It's like some people just can't bring themselves to be happy for you but we're supposed to be happy for them!
she knew about my struggles and on a down day i said 'what if i never have kids' to which she replied 'there is more to life'. When she had a miscarriage the first time round she said to me 'what if i keep having miscarriages' obviously i would never even say anything along them lines. I just couldn't believe it was good enough for her to say to me x
Weddings for some reason can really bring out the worst in people - some of my so called oldest mates and family were complete tossers to me some people who were just recent mates turned into the best people on the planet to have around. I ditched two long term mates in the process for good!
I was made redundant while planning a wedding too and TTC and then moved house and job so I sat on the front just crack on and go for it all don't put anything off just do it, as you are doing.
Now I'm having IVF some closest to me are the worst people and I've only told about 3 people, now my cow of a sister is preggers and my mum seems to think it's ok to tell me all about her and I'm sat here sometimes thinking to myself - Who th f**k are these people I'm supposed to be so close too! Cause they dam sure don't seem to have my feelings much at the forefront of their minds!
Any major event in your life really separates the wheat from the chaff! Stay strong and I just tell em straight now - I don't wanna f***ing hear it thanks!
• in reply to
This bloody predictive text - it's meant to read "so I sat on that front"
aww that is awful but definately rings true. It must be hard with your mum.
I think i am too caring, if someone has any kind of appointment i seem to remember it to the point of worrying about things for them!! oh what it would be like to be care free x
My mum means well I can see she's keeping a lid on most of her concerns with my sister but I'm at the point I don't care about others now or how what I say affects them and I just tell them straight do not speak to me about that - and people are either here for me now and bringing me support or they can quite frankly piss off! I've gotten very straight up about it - you have to really
Be very wary of people who take and take and take, all the while in the belief that their lives are somehow more important than your own, they will bleed you dry emotionally. Put yourself first. Surround yourself with people who by their actions, not just words, show their love, interest and support. Focus on YOUR happy day.
It hurts acutely when someone lets you down in such a spectacular way, but you deserve more, so expect more. Sending you hugs xx
I didn't speak to my best friend of 20yrs for 3mths after my wedding. She was chief bridesmaid but made me cry on the morning of my wedding as she wanted to suddenly invite a guy she'd only known two weeks! I said I didn't feel comfortable with that as it was a small intimate do, and I only wanted close family and friends. I was getting married 150 miles from home to get rid of the hangers on! Anyway needless to say he turned up as we arrived at the hotel from the church. I said he wasn't allowed in until after dinner...she promptly stayed for the dinner and speeches and legged it off with him after. I had to ask other people to help me tie up my wedding dress in the evening, had to sort the dj out myself and she didn't have a single dance with me. I think it was sour grapes as i was getting married before her. She's actually marrying this guy now, 3yrs on. We've put it behind us but I still can't help feeling a bit bitter about it!
aww no at least they stayed together i guess. Well she has let me down before twice, one being on my 21st.
I have honestly found the all experience rather stressful x
Sorry to say but sounds like you are better off without her. I didn't invite my best friend to our wedding as she couldn't even be happy when I told her we were engaged. We don't speak anymore and I actually feel better for it. I never realised how selfish she was until I stopped seeing her and how draining it was. She was going through ivf at the time and had been for a few years and I made a lot of allowances for that. Going through it now myself I realise she was just not being a very nice person and I have never behaved like she has. I also had a miscarriage at ten weeks and didn't feel I could speak to her about it so that put the icing on the cake.
It was really hard and it still makes me
Sad sometimes as we were friends for a long time but your friends should
Support you and be happy. I asked another friend to be my moh and she was amazing and couldn't do enough.
I also planned a wedding just after having a miscarriage and going to lots of appointments re fertility and it was great and took my mind of it all so enjoy your wedding as it's the best day of your life xx
thanks so much, i think the sad part is that you think they are a friend for such a long time when in actual fact they aren't very nice at all. The icing on the cake for me was today unfortunately x
It is sad and we had some really good times but a friendship needs to be two sided. I don't want to slag your friend off too much but she has been out of order a number of times and you need to concentrate on you xx
Hi Lauren3189, really sorry that you are going through this! It's truly a horrible feeling when all you really want is someone to just be there for you.
My bff went through a tough time last year and I was more than happy to be there for her - I wanted to be there for her.
But since she's got her life back on track, she hasn't made any effort with me and hasn't even asked how everything is going even though she knew we were due to start treatment.
It can be a very lonely process, but I feel sometimes you have to go through shit to really see who your true friends are!
I totally echo what SRS8 has just said. Sometimes you have to really go through it to find out. My bf of 15 years got pg at the drop of a hat whilst I was going through a horrendously stressful time: my dad had died, my mil was very very ill and to top it off we were still ttc after 3 years of marriage at that point. Her immediate reaction to being pg was to panic she couldn't have another one. We've ended up falling out which has made me sad but it got to the point where I just didn't want to be friends any more. This was especially so when she slagged me off to one of my other friends who wasn't even a mutual friend and suggested they meet up as they both had babies. This was a huge betrayal for me and the final straw.
My advice, be thankful for the friendship you used to have but also accepting that this is not a friendship that benefits you any more.
If I'm honest, none of my friends who now have children bother with me anymore. I've stopped buying birthday and Christmas gifts for their kids because the only time I see them is when I arrange to drop them off. That's not friendship unfortunately.
Thanks for your replies ladies. It's so sad to hear how people can be. I guess anyone who has been in this situation especially at the same time of the infertility issues knows how hard it can be.
Think we are very strong women to come out of all this xxx
Thank you for your message. Sorry to hear of your experience. It certainly opens your eyes. It's so nice to be able to speak with like minded people who I can relate to xx
I am writing from the other side of the coin here; I look back now and I am very ashamed to admit that I was a pretty awful bridesmaid to my sister. Unenthusiastic about bridesmaid dress shopping, not that interested in her plans, let her organise her own hen-do and missed the first dance because I fell asleep upstairs. It is not an excuse but at the time I was doing my teaching training and working silly hours & fairly stressed. I put it down to this but also, I just wasn't that interested. I like to think I've made up for it since my nephew was born because I dote on him (he's 7 now). I've talked to her about it since and she agrees that I was rubbish but we are very close. I think perhaps why I'm telling you this is to say maybe she has her reasons. Equally, I've lost friends because of their insensitivity. Maybe keep the door of friendship open for now (or at least ajar!) and if she's a real friend she'll come back round and apologise in the future. In the meantime, find another bridesmaid who really wants to be involved and have some fun sorting out the final details! 👰🏻xxx
She sounds terribly selfish and self obsessed. I would say bugger her who needs friends like that. She has probably done you a favour by showing her true colours before you invest your time and money into her being part of your special day. Is she married or engaged sounds like a dose of jealousy to me xx
Hey sweet don't let anyone's else's Downess get to you, jealousy makes people vile she's probably not liking the fact your getting married! That's what it sounds like to me? I got married in October 2015 to my darling husband and was currently trying for a baby to, both my sisters and my best friend was bridesmaids and both my sisters was heavily pregnant ha and my best friend had a massive personality change just after the wedding and I haven't spoken to her since the January after the wedding! My whole wedding to be fair was ruined after that cause all I think about when I think of it is the fact she was my bridesmaid and my other two bridesmaids were in bed by 10! Honeymoon was catered around them to! I've had very minimal support either really from family other friends but you know what you have us and your husband that is all you need! keep your chin up concentrate on making your wedding day the best xx
thank you that's very kind. It's sad when they just change. I think the fact we have fallen out over something as big before makes me realise we won't be friends again. xx
Aw sometimes them people get taken out of your life for a reason hun, me and my bridesmaid have exchanged a few texts recently but to be honest I've realized life's actually a bit easier without her so things won't be the same again xx
Hello. So sorry for you. Last thing you need is a kick from a friend at the moment.
A really good friend of mine came to see me the weekend after my last failed transfer. She chose then to tell me she was pregnant. I know she didn't mean to be so insensitive and I'm over it but at that moment it felt horrible and I wished she hadn't visited.
Your friend is probably having a crap pregnancy and hormones making her not think, not that that's an excuse, but she may be the friend she was in time.
thank you, i wish that was true but unfortunately she has behaved this way before being pregnant. Sending lots of luck your way xx
Sorry to hear your story but I feel like it is all to common. Nobody understands how hard it is going through fertility accept those going through it.
My sister got pregnant at the same time we had a BFN. Shes 4months old now. It was very hard to deal with at the time and did push us apart but we had a big chat about it and I organised her baby shower.
When ever we get a BFN my sister doesnt know how to respond. I feel very angry and bitter the first couple of days and my sister tries to keep up beat for me but comes out with some very silly comments ie just brush it under the carpet and try again. We ve only had three iui in 18months so its not that easy to 'brush it under the carpet'. We are currently on our third iui and ive decided im going to keep myself to myself for a few days if we get a BFN. Id rather people didnt say anything at all or be angry with me until I can get some perspective. Its hard when you feel guilty for feeling the way you do.
Its so sad that peoples in ability to support us pulls people apart. I wish your friend could see it from your perspective but honestly I dont think she ever will.
I'm so sorry your friend has behaved so unkindly. But you know what if she's going to be like that maybe it's a blessing that she's not attending your special day. It is true nothing like a wedding to bring out the worst in people..
We got married before TTC and I guess in some ways I was lucky I didn't have that to deal with as well as planning a wedding- but I also think it's unhealthy to sit around thinking about babies 24/7. Us women are given a bad hand - unlike men we can't just switch off from it. I am currently complete my level 3 teaching assistant course as well as volunteering at a school ( to do my training) and I also do cleaning at another school to bring the pennies in! It's good to keep busy- Google is not my friend!!!
I have also learned to cut people out of my life. My sister in law is a complete mare( she's had 2 children taken off her due to abuse/ neglect) and in 2015 announced she was pregnant! We had at point been TTC 4 years 3 months- it felt the biggest slap in my face which was made all the worse by her openly and proudly smoking despite being pregnant- that was it for me- I refused to be near either of her or my brother in law. I was deeply hurt that I would've done anything for our baby and there she was smoking not at all ashamed! She knew how hard we'd been ttc cow bag! I was made out to be "Jess the bad guy" so for my hubby sake I messaged her and Tom to apologize- neither of them bothered replying. I also brought them a photo shoot experience- one done preggers the other done with her and the baby- again not acknowledged by either of them. Still Jess the bad guy! When our nephew was born we went to build a Bear and brought him a teddy from us both. Again no acknowledgement. I was apparently supposed to read their minds and met him when they came home- when she was pregnant they told me to stay away and never see Leo! I met Leo one afternoon when my mother in law had him and they weren't there. I waited to be invited to see him with them but they ignored me. I had 6 months of chronic pain which turned out to be endometriosis-for nearly 6 years I was told it was unexplained. Despite my poor health at that time according to them I didn't make enough effort. The point of crunch came to on Leo birthday- they decided wasn't allowed to attend but my husband could. My hubby was angry and told them if I wasn't invited he wouldn't go. I again tried to be the better person and messaged both- only to be insulted and swore at. Hubby tried once more to resolve it ( for Leo and my mother in law's sake). Pointless. So neither of us went. Lots of relatives and friends questioned where we were. Haha my brother in law didn't want to discuss it. The long and short of this my husband has walked away from his brother and his partner and nephew for the way they have treated me. When my mother in law tried to defend me she was told she wouldn't see leo if she did. We are without a doubt better off without these vile people in our lives- as my husband wisely said " us having our baby is the most important thing in his life. And fuck anyone else!". Believe going through this you do not need negative people around you. And even if I get pregnant we both do not want them anywhere us or our child- and with her history I every reason to not want her near our child. Remove the dead wood from your life. Its you and your fiance against the world.
Good luck with your wedding plans- don't let her spoil your big day. And all the best with trying or treatment.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. it sounds like you have had to put up with a lot. I have the same feelings on you about certain people easily conceiving when they treat their children awfully. I have found myself in this same situation, my sister (a drug addict) gave her 2 daughters up for adoption, Well in fact she just left them at social services one day. Here i am, someone who would do anything for a child.
Walking away is hard to do but as you have learnt sometimes it really is the better option in the long run.
You must feel better in many ways now without the added negativity.
Thank you for your best wishes. i hope you also have lots of success on this journey xx
It's awful when those closest to you are not supportive.
I'm lucky to have a fantastic support network except from 1 person - my mother.
Initially she was good, I could phone her up and have a cry when yet another person had announced their pregnancy, but since then I've had virtually nothing.
She was supposed to visit me (I live in a different city) back in May then asked to move it to later on that month. I couldn't do that date and also told her that's when we're likely to start our treatment. She messaged back only acknowledging the visit and didn't mention the treatment. Since then I've had once cancelled round of you (may) and have just had my first cycle but she's completely unaware as she's never called to see how it's going or check up on me. Her argument would be that I never told her what was happening but surely, as my mum, she should be the one approaching me.
My cousin's 18 year old daughter fell pregnant and mum knew this had upset me (she'd aborted a baby 3 months prior) yet she texted me to say "just to let you know, x has had her baby" oh ok, thanks for that!
I'm so sorry, I've completely gone off on one! Sometimes those closest to us let us down and there is nothing we can do about it. I would keep your distance for now as you don't need that in your life xx
I'm sorry you're having a crappy time. She doesn't sound like she is worth the title of bridesmaid! In fact she sounds like a cow!
Unfortunately people just don't understand. Last year, when we'd been ttc for 10 years and had just been told we weren't likely to ever conceive, I found out (accidentally) that my sister just had a termination. I was devastated and it didn't help that my mom firstly blamed me by saying she had done it because she was worried I'd be upset by her having another baby. Then my mom said I was selfish and should stop and think long and hard about how difficult it would be to have 3 children under 3.
It's a bit more difficult when it is family, but if people are not being supportive and are causing stress then you're better off without them and at least you save the cost of a bridesmaid dress!
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Telling my friend about pregnancy - advice
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