Do you think the grief ever passes?

It's been a while since I've been here, we stopped our treatment after failed IVF this last summer and we've been trying to move on since then. I had a miscarriage in March and admittedly this hasn't helped with the process, just reminded me that I can't make it past 12 weeks. I have been doing okay the last few months but today the grief is overwhelming; like a body blow. A friend is due any time soon and we were doing well with this not affecting me but today another friend has announced she is pregnant with her second. All the summer holiday and back to school photos shared just seem to compound the fact most friends have had 2 or 3 children in less time than that in which I have failed to have one. I feel so sad today I can barely concentrate on anything, I am back where I was at the end of our treatment journey. Does the grief ever pass or does it cripple you forever?

14 Replies

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  • Hi Mandy

    I'm so sorry you are feeling like this and for what you've been through. Sending you a big hug.

    I am still undergoing treatment (preparing for a FET) which will be our final try. We have down 4 fresh ivf cycles previously which have all ended in bfn. I don't hold out much hope for this try so I have been trying to get my head around not having my own children. I'm really struggling. I'm depressed and can barely get up in the morning. Lots of people around me have got small children or are pregnant and I feel it's suffocating me. I can't even look at Facebook because of all the holiday / back to school photos.

    I totally understand all that you are saying about how you feel. I'm sorry that I can't tell you whether it ever gets easier but I hope it does! Id like to know the answer to your question too. I want to know whether I'll ever feel happy again.

    I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

    Hope you have a better day tomorrow x

  • Hey

    Can I be brutally honest, i sit quietly in the background most days but can't help reply to those that I feel similar too....

    The grief never goes but if gets easier to deal with l, the feelings of anger, jealousy, hurt, pain and then everything else comes and goes but nothing helps the empty hole in your heart.

    We lost our boy after 4 private funded rounds and our first bfp at 18 weeks and everyday holds a new pain and dulls another pain.

    Do something for your little babies that you lost a flower a teddy bear something to remind you not of the loss but of the joy you had even for s short moment.

    Each day will bring something new it's ok to have setbacks we learn to get by 1 minute at s time because we can all do that.

    Big hugs

  • Hi it's so very difficult isn't it when all you want is a baby. I would be happy with just 1.!! Every time I see a pregnancy scan on facebook your heart jumps threw your chest and I dread another pregnancy announcement at work. Have you been for counselling? We are going at end of September xx

  • For us we were st s stage where counselling brought the pain toonthebsurave and we felt it wasn't for us. However I did speak to a stranger on the phone and that helped but survived mostly with my journal

  • I've done counselling and found it helpful but did it at a time that was right for me and not when expected. I never thought it would be at all useful but think it depends the head space you are in when you start and the person you go to. I might well go back to mine now we are at an end of our journey , if the grief doesn't ease

  • I think a degree of sadness is always there from speaking to others but it just doesn't hurt as much over time. There will always be occasions that just set you off and thats ok.

    I'm still early days following our miscarriage and some days I'm fine and then the next day I want to cry in the supermarket for no reason.


  • I feel the same as you Hun. Suffered a miscarriage back In June. Bumped into an old friend last week who was pregnant again, later found out she's due 2 days after what I would of been. That threw me off for a good few days!

    The grief seems to come in waves, also feel good for a few days and then boom out of nowhere the sadness hits again.

    The thing that's helped me I think is, try and put this into something positive. Before my miscarriage I didn't even think I could ever get pregnant, and I did even though it was short lived.

    Take care of yourself, and treat yourself to some little things like taking a nice bubble bath, painting your nails etc. Sounds silly but it's important that you look after yourself and the rest will follow.

    Here if you ever need a chat xx

  • Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. It was lovely to wake up this morning and hear from people who feel the same. Sometimes I think the isolation is the worst as people you know move on with their lives in ways you can only dream of. The grief does come and in waves, overwhelming at times, and just a gentle swell at others. Today I am going to do some gardening to help ease the day by as it is my day off. I think it is just riding this storm out. Thank you so much once again for helping me feel less alone with the emptiness. May you all also have a gentle day with a little blessing in after you have taken the time to help me xx

  • Mandy you are far from alone, many people on her know exactly how you feel, me included. I've miscarried 5 times now, and when I get a bfp I now only feel happy for a brief moment and then the dread and anxiety kicks in. Maybe i've become a bit numb to it all now which i'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing, or maybe i'm slowly coming to terms that it will never happen for me. However, I will continue till my funding stops and then we've already decided we'll adopt if all else fails. So maybe knowing we'll be parents either way is what gets me through and a small glimmer of hope, which is what we are have to try and think xxx

  • Thanks for replying, I hope to eventually find contentment whatever shape our family takes. My husband is more content as just 2 and I hope in time to have less of an ache for my own little ones. We are considering fostering (I don't feel adoption is right for us) but we shall see how right this feels.

  • Hi Mandy - I'm sorry about your loss and your journey so far, it's such a cruel journey for many of us. I think that what you're feeling is completely natural and understandable given everything you have just said.

    I wish I could offer some words of wisdom or reassurance that everything will be ok and one day it won't hurt so much but I think the truth is that every now and again the sadness will hit us like a thunderbolt and take our breath away. It hurts so much because we love them so much even though we never got to meet them.

    Just know that when you're having a bad day there are always women who understand and will support you. Sending lots of love to you, I hope today has been a better day x x x

  • Hi Mandy ..

    I completely get how you feel, the thing is this journey can always be so cruel for us! It's really difficult to be happy for people achieving their dreams of being parents when that is all you have ever yearned for.

    I think it's just about being kind to yourself through this journey me and my partner decided on a cut off point a maximum of three rounds two self-funded and one on nhs, I think it helps me to know there is an end in sight for us either way and IVF isnt gong to have a hold on our lives forever! I hope you find it easier in time honey and wish you the very best of luck what ever you decide to do take care of yourself xxxxxxxxx

  • Hi there, thanks for replying. If it helps at all I have been in a better place since we decided to stop treatment. I admire you going for more than one round! Its been a year since our last round and I feel my body is slowly recovering from its 3 years of battering (although another miscarriage didn't help.) Now treatment has stopped I feel my body is more my own and that intensity of focus on it has lightened my outlook and given me hope we can move on. We have moved house and are trying for a new start; hence my disappointment at the strength of my recent grief. I think maybe a hope for the future with still moments of intense grief is as much as we can hope for when we are denied be able to have the families we want. I very much hope your next round of treatment brings you your hearts desire and you find the strength to get through it with a much grace as you can muster.

  • Hi Mandy,

    A new house sounds great hope you are settling in ok! Yes its a lot of emotional and financial pressure and a lot of pressure on our bodies as well! I am now waiting to go and have yet another polyp removed off my womb then hopefully having FET i am glad you are in a happier place at moment and wish you all the best for future xxxxxxxxxx

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